Can I force my toddler to get dressed/get out of the bath?

[Milliemoons]

My 3 year old refused to get out of the bath today. I told her a firm “would you like to get out of the bath or would you like mummy to help you?”. Then a count down. Then she refused so I started helping her and she exploded into a wet, splashy, flailing tantrum. Saying she wanted to do it. But did she? No. Carried on playing. So I started again with asking if she wanted to do it or wanted help. Cycle repeated about 10 times before I had enough of her running the show. I calmly got her writhing body out of the bath and “forced” her clothes on. I then brushed her teeth. She was obviously hysterical by this point.

How could I have handled this better? I didn’t get angry, didn’t shout, but it didn’t feel right “manhandling” her. But at the same time time when she said she would do it herself she clearly saw that as an opportunity to just not do as asked. And it really did feel like she was just giving me the run around. In general I allow her to make choices for herself but some things, like getting dressed and doing your teeth and non-negotiable.

Any advice welcome.

Till they go wrinkly 🤣

We had this tonight. Plug thing doesn't work as its one you press so he just pressed it back in. He had been lobbing loads of water over the side and had been warned twice that if he carried on he would have to get out. I followed through and took him out. Major tantrum but didn't last long. Then after I explained "you're sad because you had to get out. But we told you no more throwing water, so you chose for yourself." He agreed. Cuddles and over with. Sometimes you don't have the time to give them endless chances or choices and they need to see you will follow through. Usually I will try a game or distraction.

This.

OP you are asking what she wants not telling her.

At 3 giving choices isn’t going to give you good outcomes.

You need to tell her what is happening next to give her some warning and then do it.

”Would you like me to help you or do it yourself ?” makes you sound like a bloody ladies maid to an adult aristocrat of yesteryear.

You are making a rod for your own back if you set an expectation that she gets to decide next steps at that age.

Edit for typo

You are half way there. You don’t ask her what she would like to do, you tell her but give the two options. “You can get yourself out of the bath now or I will get you out.” (Assuming you have already done ‘you have 5 mins left to play, you have 1 min left to play. I like to set a phone alarm that plays a little tune when the time is up.) If DC is particularly tired and irritable or hyper then pulling out the plug is a very useful last resort. ‘You can get out now or I will pull out the plug.’ The fear of draining bath water is almost universal and they will get out like a shot.

Don’t worry, it’s not just a you thing. I have to use this technique to get DD to wash her face. Eventually it becomes an accepted routine. Children thrive on routine.

This approach (I am giving you two options but I’m not asking 😆) works for most things. So ‘you can put on your clothes or I will put them on.’

Also remember that younger children need longer to process demands. So ask the question then wait at least 6 seconds for a response before repeating yourself. Double if suspected ADHD.

Stop faffing and being the adult! If you countdown and nothing happens, all she learns is that countdowns means nothing. Don't give "choices" that she can answer no to both - "would you like" is not helpful at all. Be direct, "it is time to get out, are you going to get out by yourself, or is mummy getting you out? It is time to get out now, so if you do not get up by yourself now, I will get you out. Pause Right, you want mummy to get you out." Then do so!

Kids need firm boundaries! She is too young to make good choices for herself - you need to make them for her quickly and clearly. Too much choice at this age just makes them feel unsafe and unsure because they simply do not know what to do.

Never not follow through with what you say is going to happen.

Pull the plug.

I feel you we have similar issues. Generally she’s overtired and trying to exert some control. My best advice would be to try to distract with something that’ll catch her attention. Eg. Ooo we’ve got a new story for bedtime / do you think you can get out and help me do x (ie find something / get something), / x sent me a photo to show you when you get out bath. And if that doesn’t work I’d suggest just give her a bit more time and try again with distraction don’t make getting out bath a battleground. In my experience it isn’t a habit and they quickly forget unlike us so whatever you do it doesn’t mean you’ve got to now do this going forward

This. She's 3, you need to take control

Touché, toddler 😂 I'd have taken her out, let her throw her tantrum and then got her dressed when she calmed down. You might need to block the bathroom door to stop her getting back in

pull plug on second ask, on third ask pick them up. You need to be the parent in these circumstances. I’d recommend starting the conversation with a decisive “it’s time to get out of the bath”

Don’t give a choice so a firm ‘time to get out of the bath’ and then pull the plug out.

Take the plug out and lift her out. My boys constantly don’t want to get dressed or out the bath, I ask them nicely but if the refuse or tantrum I just continue lifting them out and wrestling clothes onto them. Things like hygiene/nappy changes/wearing clothes r non negotiable. I’m not being mean to them these things r necessary whereas other things I might not be as firm with

If you are firm and mean what you say now, in the short term you will have tantrums but in the long term you will make your life a million times easier.

I have an 8 year old that I cannot lift or 'manhandle' anywhere, but she knows that I mean what I say/what I say goes.

I have a 15 year old who is about a foot taller than me, can you imagine how much authority I would have now if I had always asked 10 times and waited and negotiated?

i used to make my kids into sausage rolls 😁 (ironically food related 😂)

This. You are the parent.

I often catch myself offering choices when really there's no choice and in those instances it's actually better to just be direct.

"It's time to get out of the bath now, stand up please and mummy will help you get out" if they start to give off, " were you enjoying playing with x in the bath? Would you like to play with it in the next bath too? What a great idea, we can do that next time. Right out you pop" and then lift them out.

I give ds (same age) a warning 'it's going to be time to get out soon' so he knows it's coming. Then I'll pull the plug "oh can you hear that, the bath is telling you it's time to get out" and we have a game we play with his towel where we pretend to be grannies when he's wrapped up in it. So even if he starts to cry I start being silly and just distract him.

Usually he only gets really upset about it when he's really tired and at that point, it's just about trying to get through it and get him settled down for a story so he can settle himself and get to sleep.

I fully believe in trying to promote ds autonomy and giving him choice where I can, but some things aren't choices. And then it's just a matter of being simple and clear in your explanation while you enforce a boundary. "Mummy is going to help you get out now because otherwise your body is going to get cold and it won't feel very nice" etc.

My girl used to be all slippery when wet and if she didn't want to get out the bath she would have been flaying her arms around all over the place.
It wasn't easy to just lift her out the bath.
It was like trying to wrestle with a slimy octopus.
But like the OPs child she would have been perfectly happy to sit in the empty bath with toys and flannels etc to play with.
That's why I said to remove everything.
Then she would want to get out.

Zoom zoom zoom going to the moon in (then a count down) and out the bath.
Also.second water out the bath.

And also highly abusive but ya know, don’t let that stop you 🤨…

DD is 3.5 and went through a phase in the last year of very long baths and not wanting to get out, currently she is on the worlds quickest showers 🤷‍♀️
I used to give her a 5 min warning and then a 2 min warning as I know generally warnings to transitions work well for her. Tell her it was time to get out and ask if she was climbing or I was lifting her. If she didn’t choose then I decided and lifted her. If she chose to climb but didn’t do it then a quick countdown from 5 and if she hadn’t started I did it.
I also find around all bedtime stuff that we use her books as the consequence. She has 4 stories at bedtime, if she messes around she gets a warning, if she carries on then she looses a story.

Yes. You don't negotiate like this.
Ask them once, and if they don't do what they're told, you pull out the plug and take them out yourself.

You're in charge, not your toddler.

😂 so take the toys out too....?

Just tell her to get out, and lift her out if needed.

My son (4) is very annoying like this also but he responds well to “do I have to count?” Still doing whatever, “1….. 2…… 2 and a half… 2 and three quarters…….. 3!” I try to catch his eye while counting and give a sort of race the number cheeky glint to my eye as if it’s a game and he needs to win. Then I really cheer and clap if he does it sooner than 3. If not I just grab him lol! I do some threatening as well like “do you want mummy to start getting cross with you?” “Do you want mummy to shout at you?” And he doesn’t like the idea of those either so it usually gets thru. It’s a constant battle tho. Very tiring sometimes especially if you’re not in a ‘let’s be patient and make it fun mood’ . Good luck! Xx

10 times. Wow!

I agree with plug out and stop giving chances!

use a visual timer or something so she can see how long she has, tell her when the timers done bath has finished, when timers done say “it’s finished now” and remove the plug.

And absolutely if she doesn’t move start tidying up and be totally unbothered!

Don't say would you like to get out.