Why do parents seem more overwhelmed / anxious / struggling with parenting these days?

[Gagamama2]

Looking for help really as I feel so overwhelmed by life as a parent and from speaking to other mums about it they then open up and say they feel the same. I know quite a few people on anti depressants because of the stress of general everyday life - no big traumatic event or anything you can really pin down as being the cause of it.

Have parents always felt like this? Did the previous generations hide it better or has something changed to make it harder these days?

particularly interested in hearing from grandparents who can compare their parenting years with how their children are bringing up their kids today.

I’m doing my absolute best to cope, am a (I think) strong and intelligent person who isn’t using anxiety as a pass for benefits or help with anything. It is a genuine situation for me that I want to get to the bottom of and try to solve as it’s ruining the best years of bringing up my kids.

Because so many people no longer live in tight-knit communities and/or near their families.
They are literally trying to raise children on their own.

I don’t have grandkids but I do have early twenties children.

cost of living is higher. Housing is much trickier.

having said that I had twins and frankly that was pretty stressful. I don’t remember most of the first year it’s just a blur of feeding and sleeping.

I'd have thought two major reasons would be both parents working full time due to cost of living and also loss of a 'village' around us.

Because it’s OK say so nowadays.
Because the “my little family” mindset means that a) lots of people haven’t had much to do with children until they have their own and b) people don’t help each other as much as they used to.

I read a study somewhere that said today we spend more hours intensely parenting our kids than ever before, AND more hours working. And the house still had to be cleaned and food has to be cooked etc… While the pressure is piled on on social media to be fun and educational and perfect! It’s basically impossible to do what we’ve been told we have to do. Something always has to give. So you can’t berate yourself but it’s hard to get to that point of letting go a bit and accepting what you can’t do. That and if you don’t have parents or family nearby, or endless riches for Nannies, there just isn’t enough community support!

I think people in the past weren't expected to parent so intensively. When my DP were kids in the 60s they went out by themselves and their parents didn't even know where they were. Also if their parents lost their temper and shouted or smacked them no one was going to make them feel bad about it.

Also, both parents now work often both full time. When I was young (80s), my mum didn't work & neither did any of my friends mums. And those that my mum knew who did work it was generally a part time job in school hours to fit around the kids. You could buy a decent house in a good area on one salary, afford a car, have occasional treats etc - now most people struggle to do that on 2 full time salaries.

Now you have 2 parents working 37 hours a week each trying to do everything between them & there is not enough time to do it all.

Plus all the other stuff already mentioned (limited to no family near by or can't provide any help whatsoever, juggling elderly parents, kids extra curricular activities, cost of living etc). Everything is just so much harder & that i clues parenting.

Modern day life is so different. More work, more of an always on culture, social media that sub consciously tells us we should be better, richer, fitter, more successful. Less common to live close do family for support. A lack of security today and for tomorrow with the removal of DB pensions. Millennials are the first generation to not be economically more secure than their parents and this inevitably translates into stress. Life can be hard, really important to find joy in the small stuff and try and give yourself some space to enjoy it. But you’re right, it’s hard!

I think it is more stressful nowadays as in most families both parents have to work now. Grandparents are also working later too so are unable to help. I also think parents now put pressure on themselves as they seem to think their kids are missing out if they are not doing multiple clubs from a very young age.
Parents now also seem to be going here there and everywhere to entertain their children. We mostly were at home or at at park or on walks.
In the 90s I was a SAHM to 4 kids 5 and under. I wasn't anxious or struggling I had my mum to help as she didn't work and lived nearby. When at school they might have done one after school club but didn't do anything else outside school.

Yep, many families have two parents that work FT now to maintain a standard of living.
Plus dashing around to all the after school activities/birthday parties/play dates etc that are now considered the norm.
Many parents live away from their own families so no help from GPs. I think it’s easy to see why so many are struggling, however, every time there is a thread on here about working PT, the poster is told that they shouldn’t because of their pension & independence which I totally get, yet the harsh reality is that very few of us can actually have it all. Burn out/marriage breakdown seems to be the price we (women!) pay!

Agree with PP’s. Most don’t have a village or their own parents are working still.

In addition, I saw a reel on Instagram once that compared the parameters of parenting my generation (34) and my childrens generation. My parents age for example may of said things like ‘my child is fed and has a roof over their head’ where as we have a lot of pressure around how much screen time, wake windows, multiple different weaning methods, which is the right type of formula, can we breastfeed, when can we potty train, can we afford to feed them only organic none processed food, is it safe to let older children play out, how much MAT leave can I afford to take because we can’t survive on one salary etc etc.

Not saying some of the older generation weren’t thinking the same things, but I would say as a majority there is more pressure and outside influence to consider nowadays.

I think so much is expected of both parents these days.

Both me and my husband have high pressure but well paid careers. The cost of living (and nursery fees) is so high that we cannot afford any further help like nannies, house keepers etc. So we have to run around using every scrap of time and available opportunity to cook healthy meals and do laundry etc in the time that we’re not working. We are both completely burnt out and there’s no end in sight.

We also do a lot of child centric activities at the weekend. I remember being very bored as a child whilst my parents did loads of DIY and gardening.

The grandparents are now in their seventies and honestly not capable of looking after young kids. I guess that was our fault for not having kids earlier but we couldn’t have afforded it. I’ve been quite disappointed in the help offered by grandparents too. When they come to stay they don’t even cook.

In summary, too much to do, too little time, too much pressure and guilt to do child centric activities, no real village to share the load in terms of cooking etc. It’s hard

This. I read somewhere (can’t remember where) that on average today’s FT working mums spend more time doing ‘parenting stuff’ than SAHMs did in the 1970s.

I’m finding parenting very stressful. For me I think it’s the lack of community / village support as we don’t live near family and get very little help with childcare. This puts a lot of stress on my relationship and has also meant that I’ve had to take a step back career wise as childcare has been so expensive and a juggle.

I think maybe some of it is down to the age at which we have our children these days. Younger parents seem to me to be much more relaxed and just go with the chaos. And don’t seek parenting perfection

I think because..

we’ve lost our communities

both parents working long hours

much higher expectations of parenting

much higher expectations of ourselves

a general anxiety in the world

a very strong anxiety about the future

possibly also if you have worked till your 30s and they you’re suddenly stuck an home with a crying baby on no sleep, you are bound to be thinking ‘wtf have I done’

I am sorry it’s tough. I hope you get some more support

•Parenting standards are higher. Not always a bad thing mind you.
•Less family around to help. I grew up with one set of hands on grandparents in the 80's. My dc's have no one as everyone moved away.
•Longer working hours.
•More cars so kids can't play out safely.

Love how the majority of posters are saying things like "lack of community" or "lack of a village". Yet if anyone, God forbid a stranger, were to show the slightest interest in, or attempt to chastise their child, they would be hell to pay.

Accusations of "abuse" or "child molester" would be thrown around. If a middle aged white man were to be involved, the police would be called.

I think it's a combination of things -

Juggling work and childcare is often stressful. Parents feel the pressure to be successful at work, present and involved parents, have a perfect home and take their children to various extra curricular activities.

I grew up in the 70s and 80s and I think parents were generally much less hands on - they didn't feel the need to entertain us, we often played out for much of the day and we didn't have a load of after school activities. Maybe brownies or girl guides once a week and I used to do ballet on a Saturday morning - my mum would drop me off and I would walk home. Parents just didn't supervise their children all the time and didn't know where we were half the time playing out!

When my children were younger, I was probably more hands on when it came to knowing where they were and helping with homework etc than my parents were. I worked part time and even then found juggling work and kids stressful at times.

Parents today have to contend with social media and the effects this has on children - it's a minefield and I'm glad that I had my children before the advent of social media. I think it creates a lot of anxiety for parents. We are all bombarded with information 24/7 and it often leads to comparison and dissatisfaction 😕

This is so random. I think generally people mean close friends and family when they say village, not random strangers. Loads of randoms engage and chat with my kids though, they love it. Doesn’t mean I am going to let them babysit though.. and why would a stranger need to chastise my child? Unless you meant chat

I had my DC in the early 90s and worked FT throughout, no family help at all. It was certainly very stressful, especially the broken nights, but I think what was different then was the expectation about what ‘parenting’ meant. I understood it as giving them a secure home, a good all-round education and lots of love. I didn’t get any pressure for them to be clean, well-dressed, well-holidayed, constantly busy with clubs and soft play etc. I made sure they were bored quite often! And I didn’t help with homework after primary school age. I do wonder if it’s the ever-available comparison with what other parents are (often pretending) to do that adds to the stress? Social media has so much to answer for …

Kids used to play out. Even the tots would be out with the older ones

My MIL’s life:-
Had 3 kids with large age gaps (through biology not choice)
Stopped work after 1st child
Both sets of parents lived within 5 miles and helped out with kids
Siblings lived within 5 miles and had kids of similar age

My life:-
Two kids - smaller age gap - would have liked a 3rd but out of energy!
Maternity leave then back to work. Main earner despite working part time.
No family within 100 miles

It is just a completely different world. In laws came to visit one time and looked after the kids so dh and I could go to B&Q. We came back giggling with the freedom and ease of it. They were very confused as that was just a normal thing to them.

Parents today seem to take far more responsibility for their children, not just in supplying them with (apparently endless) activities and ‘opportunities’ but for the children’s achievements and even basic character. Yes, of course, the well being of children is down to parents, but their characters are not necessarily. Once children used to be called ‘naughty’ or ‘ lazy’ or ‘selfish’ ( or , of course, Kind or considerate etc), that was seen as their own responsibility to some extent . It wasn’t somehow the parent’s job to fix the child’s character , just to make sure they met the basic requirements of politeness, co operation and obedience. I haven’t expressed that very well but I hope to have made it reasonably clear.

And when does it stop? I read on here some women filling in job applications for their graduate DC, do they go to the office for them as well?

@Endofyear
I grew up in the 70s and 80s and I think parents were generally much less hands on - they didn't feel the need to entertain us, we often played out for much of the day and we didn't have a load of after school activities. Maybe brownies or girl guides once a week and I used to do ballet on a Saturday morning - my mum would drop me off and I would walk home. Parents just didn't supervise their children all the time and didn't know where we were half the time playing out!

This. Children were told to 'go and play' (outside, in the garden, or indoors) from a very young age, about 3 or 4 years old - there was no expectation that the mother (it was nearly always the mother) had to entertain or play with the child unless she felt like doing so.
Children were left to be bored, and if they complained, were given some housework to do.

"Activities" like days out, trips to entertaining places, etc. were very rare treats, not a monthly, let alone weekly, event.

Mothers may have judged each other on how clean the children's clothes were, but generally did not judge each other on parenting skills - it was more or less acceptable to shout at the children, send them away, tell them off, or say "because I said so" with no negotiations or explanations. Children were taught to obey without having their feelings considered in minor matters.