Why do parents seem more overwhelmed / anxious / struggling with parenting these days?

[Gagamama2]

Looking for help really as I feel so overwhelmed by life as a parent and from speaking to other mums about it they then open up and say they feel the same. I know quite a few people on anti depressants because of the stress of general everyday life - no big traumatic event or anything you can really pin down as being the cause of it.

Have parents always felt like this? Did the previous generations hide it better or has something changed to make it harder these days?

particularly interested in hearing from grandparents who can compare their parenting years with how their children are bringing up their kids today.

I’m doing my absolute best to cope, am a (I think) strong and intelligent person who isn’t using anxiety as a pass for benefits or help with anything. It is a genuine situation for me that I want to get to the bottom of and try to solve as it’s ruining the best years of bringing up my kids.

Too many rules of dos and donts, too high expectations, not enough time, not enough family support.

My DD's were born before social media, before the internet. You had books or your midwife or health visitor. Everyone was very much more relaxed over feeding, sleeping, entertaining. It was fine to put your baby outside in the pram, to let older kids just be. Being bored was a good thing. Entertainments and holidays were more basic, and not seen as the be all and end all. Less angst about healthy eating!

When l was little we had hot dinners ( proper dinner) at school and sandwiches for tea.

No batch cooking crap.

Similar situation here

No village really

Both work full time

Both sets of in-laws barely involved (we do live abroad though)

It just in general seems like we're doing it all on our own really

Others have pretty much nailed it I think but my own summary would be:

• the huge amount of online advice and published literature on how to parent - often conflicting, often drawing on contrasting philosophies, all warning of dire consequences if we don't follow it properly, all seemingly demanding a huge amount of our time and attention to be dedicated to actively engaging with our kids on their own terms in a way that previous generations' (probably equally prescriptive and doom-laiden) parenting advice did not.
• harsh judgement from other parents about whether we are following said parenting advice / trends. For those who care about maintaining a certain image on social media, this pressure must be greater still, although I struggle to sympathise too much with those who enter this particular rat race.
• the fact that both parents often have to work, or want to work, or both, but that the nature of the job market means that many jobs lack security and this creates a lot of tension and stress. Personally I think I would always have wanted to return to work soon after becoming a mum through choice, as I've always got a lot from working and it's part of my identity. At the same time, I suspect there are fewer jobs than there used to be where turning up and doing what you're told / the essentials of what you need to do is seen as ok. Seems like a lot of jobs expect you to go the extra mile, be ambitious, go on extra training, show willing to do extra things... which is all stuff I was up for and excited about until I had a kid and no longer wanted to spend my 'free time' working on extra projects for extra career credit.
• fear about our kids' futures (the shape of the job market, plus longer term trends like an ageing population, makes it hard for me to be optimistic about my own DD's future in terms of job satisfaction and earning potential. I also worry about misogyny, online grooming and influences, and pressure to film herself doing stuff boys want her to do. Managing the emotional impact and the misinformation / distraction power of technology is an unprecedented challenge for parents now, and the online world makes the kind of stuff that would once have been a mistake or regret that can fade into the past a potentially viral and immortal record of your actions. This creates a pressure for us to ensure our kids don't put a foot wrong, which is ludicrous when childhood and adolescence require self-discovery and learning from mistakes.
• much less support from wider family and other women in particular than a lot of parents used to have (because we move away from our families, or they move from us, or our parents still have to work when we have kids so can't spare time to help even if they want to, etc etc).

I find it hard too OP and I know you're far from alone. I guess we have to accept the bits we can't control. With the bits that we can, we have to decide what to prioritise and what standards / trends set by others we are not prepared to sweat over. Easier said than done of course.

I also wouldn't underestimate how challenging parenting has been in the past for pretty much every generation ever. The parents just didn't have spaces like this one to share their struggles. For most of human history, for example, the child mortality rate has been really high and many parents have struggled to feed their children.

We think that if our kids are bored they’ll be “traumatised” so set up endless activities for them and have them entertained every second. Summer clubs every school holiday. Constant supervision.

I read that cults do this too to make their cultees(?) more malleable. Are we inadvertently making our kids malleable to external influences instead of having their own identity?

A lot of my parenting involves doing nothing! I allow DC the luxury of being bored and arranging their own entertainment (even though it takes them a while and lots of whining to work out). Of course a lot is due to 2 parents working and i am lucky enough and have specifically prioritised time at home instead of relying on holiday clubs. But i think this is beneficial , no essential, for DC mental health

Combination of work / life balance being much more intense given most people have to work and also there are a lot of single parents too now, so work, household chores and parenting are a constant juggle.

That aside I do think the approach to parenting has changed so kids have more options and wants these days to accommodate.

Plus let’s face it sometimes parenting just isn’t easy, I know for sure my parents struggled sometimes and definitely weren’t enjoying every minute!

Social media and the differing opinions offered on every aspect of parenting seem to make parenting a minefield. Information on child rearing was book based or passed on from relatives and friends if you were lucky. I clearly remember standing in WH Smiths searching for a book about sleepless babies!
I had my son in the mid 80's and being a stay at home Mum was my only option. Nurseries and childcare on the level available now just didn't exist for many women of my generation. It is a bit of a myth that woman stayed at home as a choice. Most people were struggling to pay mortgages with an interest rate in double figures. Many people fell into negative equity and lost homes. I know many women who took a low paid evening job (myself included) and could only return to full time work when children were at secondary school.

I think demands are much higher.

I'm only 30 but I don't remember having a car seat (and there were no seatbelts in the back), help with homework or involvement with school, clubs, any activities at home like baking or crafts... they would drink drive and leave us in hotel rooms to get dinner abroad. I'd probably be charged with neglect if I did that, and I intend to parent very differently, but it will be more work for me.

Loads of excellent points.

There was never the drama over school when I grew up. Mum or dad helped with homework when needed, but we were expected to come in & do it ourselves. Both were big on reading, though, & we were read to all the time. We went to the local schools & all 5 of us were very different , & that was okay- no drama about not achieving, just try your best. I went to university, the only one, & that was okay.

My DC too went to the local schools. We were similar to our parents - supervise homework & read to them constantly. No drama about which secondary or hot-housing, just local school (inner-city comp). No tutors, just an atmosphere of 'work hard, we're here if you need us'. Both older DC are at university. DC1 is particularly academic, but it's just the way he's built, no drama & pushing, it's just the way his brain is.

There's SO much pressure in evety aspect now

A very few high profile cases (think Madeline McCann, Jamie Bulger etc) have altered the cultural landscape in terms of parenting. Add to that more cars on the roads and the internet and social media in particular, it’s just a different time and likely impossible to turn back the clock completely.

Some of it is for the better, a lot of it is for the worse.

People talk about a village but you read posts on here about not wanting parents in law anywhere near their babies, going to gatherings and not wanting anyone to hold their children or touch them.

SM I'm sure plays a huge part in it and having to be perfect. I brought ds up miles away from family and with a husband who worked crazy long hours, it was hard but had to get on with it and always made an effort with play dates and getting to know other parents. People seem very insular these days and obsessed with their babies catching cold sores from someone who vaguely smiles in their direction!

Not sure of the answer...My children are late twenties now and I did not have family close by to help raise my children. I gave up my career more or less until both they were in school, ( close together in age ) we managed because we cut our cloth accordingly.
I did a lot of supply work, used a childminder, all of them domestic work at home fell to me including the cooking.
I know I felt quite isolated being away from friends and family when they were small. Other than that including as they grew up I never felt stressed or overwhelmed. Perhaps I never really thought about it and just got on with things.

We are two working parents but that's not the full story - my grandparents were also two working parents. My mum and stepdad were two working parents for chunks of my childhood. The main differences that I can see is that while all the generations in my family have been skint, I'm the first one without family help. I always mention how much my mum relied on her parents and her sister but in actual fact she also relied heavily on me when it came to my siblings. We however have had no family help at all and it's difficult not to have any support. Even though both parents are working, I think our children are with us more often.

Social Media influencers, the inability to say “no”, the “need” to sort everything out for children and smooth their path. Too much talk about feelings, (there wasn’t enough when I was a child but now the pendulum has swung the other way!). Allowing children to make too many decisions for themselves when they’ve neither the maturity or experience to do so. The inability of some parents to teach their children that respect works both ways; it’s no good letting them treat you/talk to you with utter contempt whilst smiling and saying “that’s not nice”. Honestly, I could go on and on.

Nail on head. Children NEED to be bored in order to learn how to entertain themselves. I was a very present mum; I work in a primary school, so was always around for the holidays, but beyond Beavers/Cubs/Scouts/Explorers, and occasionally having friends and their children to visit, I deliberately didn't timetable loads of 'stuff' without the boys taking the initiative themselves.

So many reasons:
cost of living
influencers wanging on social media about how hard it is have broken taboos
fractured extended families
and this is a big one:
all the mums are at work all the time. So the parenting gets squished in around jobs that barely earn enough to cover ludicrously expensive childcare

children are more complex these days too - pressured by school, social media, screen time, lack of independent time out playing in the street

parents also feel a huge pressure to give their kids the best days out and take them to megabucks classes in the evenings and weekends it’s all just too much.

I’m 48. We used to play outside round our estate all the time, watch tv after school & weekend mornings. Maybe one activity after school a week. Weekends, mum would clean house, dad clean car and we’d go food shopping. We rode BMXs without helmets, went into town/park alone, birthday parties were jelly, ice cream, cake etc at someone’s house, not £100 soft play & food.
We were allowed to tag along to our parents’ workplaces if they were working outside school hours.
Summer holidays were a week in a caravan in this country or staying with relatives who lived in another county, not thousands spent on going abroad multiple times a year.
For me looking back, life felt simpler, kids freer, and in the way of having to spend loads to keep kids entertained 24/7 and not allow too much screen time etc, there was less pressure on parents.
We also grew up near the beach, went to huge bonfires built by everyone on the estate, not mega expensive displays where fireworks weren’t allowed to ‘bang’! Things like McDonald’s and cinema were a treat or for birthdays - not weekly occurrences.

I do actually strive to keep some of this for my daughter (sadly I think some things have disappeared forever though) as I’d love her to look back on her childhood with the love I feel for mine.

I don't think we set up activities because we think our kids will be traumatised if we don't, I think we do it because the message is pushed that children need to be doing x,y and z to become well rounded and successful in life. It's pressure. Let's face it if kids need x amount of physical activity, it can be vastly easier to put them into a regulated club with people who know what they're doing and that enables you as a parent/human to be doing something else at the same time.

I think your comment about cutting [your] cloth accordingly is very insightful, actually. My and DH's parents live hundreds of miles from us. I was at home until my youngest was three, they work a part time job to fit in with his nursery school hours and another as a school lunchtime supervisor until they were in secondary school. I then returned to full-time work. We cut our cloth, as you say, too.

And also they can’t play out in a lot of areas around the country any more. Thankfully where we live kids still do play out on their own, but not as young as they did when I was growing up. Everything is so adult chaperoned these days and it’s so unhealthy for their development

Omg this. I am grateful I had mine (as babies and young children anyway) before social media really kicked in but even then, as a generation of parents we have done our kids no favours with this level of responsibility and support. I grew up in the 70s and 80s before parenting was a verb, and it was ( to put it kindly) benign neglect, and you screw your life up, that’s on you, but we have gone WAY too far the other way.
I know parents of 22/23 year olds who talk about their ( still at home) kids as though they were 15 or 16. Too invested, too enmeshed and utterly smothering.
I include myself in that to an extent and I’m trying to back right off, but it’s not easy when your adult children don’t want you to!

We think that if our kids are bored they’ll be “traumatised”

Who thinks that? I'm genuinely interested - as no parent I've ever met has said that, and pretty much all of them talk about "down time" regularly.

I'm a parent of children in their late 20's/early 30's and I have to say, parenting seems much more stressful than it was when I was growing up in the 70's.

My childhood was a very happy one but I can't remember my parents taking time to play games, take us on day trips. We just got on with it and entertained ourselves. We became very imaginative and resourceful. We were fed, had clean clothes and basically left to do our own thing. We saw Grandparents regularly as we all lived close.

Now, the stress and expectations of my children as they are parents is massive. Play dates, classes, screen time, the rights food, sleep etc makes my head spin! I feel there's too much information on child rearing out there and they feel they have to do it all. They both work full time but on their down time feel they have to entertain their children with days out, meaningful play every weekend etc.

My children know they're very fortunate as they have both sets of grandparents giving childcare but oth sets of grandparents don't feel we have to fill every minute with meaningful activities - our DGC love being with us and exploring the garden, baking, sorting the box of buttons, painting and the basic stuff we did as children. When we ask if they want to go out to softplay etc they always say no!

Imo, parenting needs to scale back a bit - children do not need entertaining 24/7, they need to become independent and resilient and learn life skills through play and being around family if possible.

Please be easy on yourselves.

This is why I love my DS being an explorer (scouts). They are given an area with oversight rather than constant close supervision on camp and can do their own thing as long as it's legal, within acceptable risk limits and not causing nuisance to others. They set up the tents, cook their own meals (quickly work out that washing up is going to have to be done if you want to eat again so sort it), go for walks, play games etc. They do badges and bigger cross group camps too but the chill out weekends are just about taking time away from school, exams, pressure etc and relaxing. It's a really nice small group and other than the odd squabble which is probably unavoidable they all get on and plan things together. A bit like the old days playing out I guess. They seem like more "traditional" kids of their age without all the anxiety and highly strungness that some others have (though I will add the obvious disclaimer that I don't know everything about them). I think being allowed to go off and spend time away with their mates just being is really good for them. I guess some people would argue that it's either not productive - no qualification or Oxford application worthy status, or not safe - hot things, sharp things, germs etc and not allow it but that level of expectation and hypervigilance is what creates unreasonable levels of anxiety (disclaimer 2 I know some parents and kids have very good reasons for being anxious and I do not include those here).

This sums it up, imo.