Standing on ceremony for the would-be Granny

[Concerningmum]

Name changed for privacy.

I've recently moved in with my partner, along with my 8-year-old DS. My partner isn’t DS’s father, but they've known each other for a long time, and we’ve now moved into his home - a large country house with land, it's lovely! DS is happy about the move, but…

My partner’s mother lives on the property too, in a separate house. She comes over to our house to use the washing machine, which I don’t mind in principle at all - but each time she does, she pops her head into DS's bedroom and comments on whatever DS is doing (e.g., if he's watching TV or gaming).

She also comes into the kitchen for a long chat whenever she sees us there - even when I’m doing an activity or spending quality time with my son. DS said to me yesterday, “Will there always be other people in the house?” He’s used to it being just the two of us, with privacy and our own space. Now he seems unsure whether he can just relax without being “on.”

I completely understand that adjusting to sharing space takes time, and I get that she might be lonely or just looking for a chat. I also don’t want to be rude. But I’m struggling to find the balance... I want this to feel like DS’s home too, where he can switch off and just be himself without feeling like he has to entertain or answer to others. She isn't his grandmother.

How can I navigate this dynamic gently but firmly, so that DS feels comfortable and we can have our space respected? I need advice!

Buy her a washing machine and dryer and get it installed on her property.

Let your son be more assertive and ask her to leave his space in a polite way,

She’s probably bored while waiting for the washing to be done - agree with other posters to make sure she gets a new one asap, and think about what would be a good balance between no contact and too much contact that works for everyone.

Its not, unless she marries her partner or he adds her to the Deeds

Perhaps assuming money isn’t an issue, you dp should offer to gift a new machine, also as she obviously is wanting to get to know you better etc invite her at set convenient times rather than her dictating, all can be sorted by a bit of gentle guidance by your dp

Sounds like you’ve wasted no time in getting your feet under the table! His mum has been welcome there, doing what she does, long before you moved in. Maybe she’s just trying to make you feel welcome, and doesn’t realise you don’t want her around? If it bothers you, you need to run it by your dp, because it’s his house and presumably he’s been happy with his mum being around. He can then discuss with his mum about just giving you a wide berth, and whilst she’s welcome to call at the house, just to try to ignore your existence.

Good god the absolute contempt mumsnetters have for women without property is positively Andrew Tatian.

The witches are out today on this post ! Dear god can nobody read. The MIL has her own adjacent property so actually it isn’t her space to begin with. I think a gentle word maybe in order from DH to his mum

I’d hate this too. Completely understand her intentions are good and she’s probably trying to bond but I need to feel like my space is private and not be on edge waiting for someone to come in.
it would feel like being in a b&b almost.
no advice just wanted to let you know you aren’t rubbish for feeling that way (unless you’ve outed yourself in later comments 😆)

An 8 year old with a TV/games console in their bedroom..? 😳

Yep. Disaster waiting to happen.

The absolute concern women have for other women putting themselves in vulnerable positions is I think what you meant.

Buy her a new washing machine ........

The Mum was there before you and, keep up this behaviour, will be there long after you as well.

if you see future for this relationship why aren’t you encouraging a relationship with her?

What do you mean? No woman needs to own property. And no woman should be dependent on anyone for her or her child’s housing security.

But she needs security for her and her son. She could live with dp in his home for the next decade, and if he gets fed up with her, or her with him, then she leaves with nothing. It’s important that she has a place of her own, even if just a one up one down little property she can just rent out. Then if the worst happens, she has somewhere to go. Just putting all your eggs in one basket means that you’re leaving yourself in a very vulnerable position.

I don't think any other adult should be going to a child's bedroom. It doesn't happen at my house, luckily no one has ever took it on themselves to do it but when people have asked I have said no. Their bedroom is their private space. I think explaining that to partners mum would be a good place to start, it sets a fair boundary and gives your DS an opportunity to feel that he has a private space that people won't be entering unannounced which should enable him to feel more relaxed and like he doesn't have to entertain.

@Superscientist @Becs51 @godmum56 @DecoratingDiva really appreciate your posts.

I have a lovely relationship with her myself and think she is lovely. We get on very well and I have no issues with her beyond this.

A little update - this morning my partner was really quiet, and when I asked him about it he told me he's really frustrated at how much his mother is appearing in the house! He literally said she never does this and suddenly since I've moved in is constantly letting herself in! I told him I'd also noticed this.

So, it's not just me who's finding it invasive.. 😂

I think she just wants to feel a part of it, and I do ha e empathy for that, but I there needs to be boundaries.

Anyway, DP said he's going to have a word with her!

For those asking, we are not married, but planning on marrying in early 2026.

That is an intersting update OP!! A nice one but intersting

@Concerningmum simple answer. buy her a washing machine and just make sure you keep the doors locked. also, tell her she is not allowed to go into any of the bedrooms!! either she obeys those rules or she does not get in at all.

No contempt from me, just a statement of fact along with a warning that OP may be in a precarious position

That I agree with as, like most here, I am pro marriage where assets and living arrangements are concerned. But as lots of mumsnetters will rush to tell you women sometimes have assets too and want to protect them for theimselves or their childre. We don’t know that she doesn’t. At any rate while living in the house if her partner she is entitled to expect the same courtesy with respect to outsiders that any other full household member does. The house is not, in fact, his mother’s and as his resident gf she does have an expectation of privacy.

So she accepts her son is building a life with you and is making an attempt to get to know you. Good. Ask her to knock on the door when she pops her head around your sons bedroom.

He needs to be able to talk to a range of people in life, so i thi lnk it will do him good to widen his family circle a bit and you should encourage him in that.
Sounds like the washing machine thing is temporary - or you can easily make it so - so I think you're overreacting when it otherwise sounds like a pretty damn good set up you have there!

no sorry. parents for a good reason aside, kids (and adults) should have a say about who comes into their bedroom and when. Its not enough to ask her to knock before she puts her head round the door. Actually I think under the circs, even knocking is pressure because he can't say "not now" or "go away" She should just not be disturbing him in his private space.

I’m with you,OP. Some people have no sense, emotional intelligence and they can’t read the room. Sensible MILs know that boundaries are important and you can’t just turn up when you feel like it.
People do this in other areas of life, too,like bringing another friend along to a get together or a pre-planned meal. They don’t get that the group dynamics change.
Buying her a new washing machine would be my first action.
Difficult to advise. No matter what you do, she’ll be offended on some level. Your partner needs to make the first move.