Standing on ceremony for the would-be Granny

[Concerningmum]

Name changed for privacy.

I've recently moved in with my partner, along with my 8-year-old DS. My partner isn’t DS’s father, but they've known each other for a long time, and we’ve now moved into his home - a large country house with land, it's lovely! DS is happy about the move, but…

My partner’s mother lives on the property too, in a separate house. She comes over to our house to use the washing machine, which I don’t mind in principle at all - but each time she does, she pops her head into DS's bedroom and comments on whatever DS is doing (e.g., if he's watching TV or gaming).

She also comes into the kitchen for a long chat whenever she sees us there - even when I’m doing an activity or spending quality time with my son. DS said to me yesterday, “Will there always be other people in the house?” He’s used to it being just the two of us, with privacy and our own space. Now he seems unsure whether he can just relax without being “on.”

I completely understand that adjusting to sharing space takes time, and I get that she might be lonely or just looking for a chat. I also don’t want to be rude. But I’m struggling to find the balance... I want this to feel like DS’s home too, where he can switch off and just be himself without feeling like he has to entertain or answer to others. She isn't his grandmother.

How can I navigate this dynamic gently but firmly, so that DS feels comfortable and we can have our space respected? I need advice!

If you tell your DP what you've told us can he not agree some reasonable boundaries for his mum?

A 'Do not disturb' sign on your DS's door would give him a place he can call his own.

You can encourage him to feel relaxed and not that he has to perform without telling the woman she is no longer welcome somewhere she is used to being welcome. As long as he's polite he doesn't need to stand on ceremony or stop doing whatever activity he is doing.

Getting used to being in varied company and comfortable with it is a great skill.

Asking her not to interrupt him if he's in his bedroom and keeping that as a private space is fine though.

Hmm, tricky one. I'm like you op and value my space and privacy. I wouldn't be happy even with my own extended family wandering into my home without warning.

If she has always had free access to the house she might feel pushed out if it suddenly stops. What does your partner say? He would be the one to broach it with her.

Sounds like your DS isn't keen on sharing with your new partner either. I'd call it a day and go back to your old property.

Maybe she would like a better relationship with your ds?
And with you.
Have specific times she is invited. She may take the hint not to pop in at other times...

@bluecurtains14 for clarity, by 'us' my DS's means him, my partner, and myself. He is very close to my partner, that's a non issue.

@Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet I believe she does. She is lovely with him, just a bit much sometimes ...

Perhaps it's all new to her OP and she's excited to have company. Hopefully the novelty will wear off for her and you'll all be able to relax a bit more.

I’m guessing she also lived there at one point?

I would teach your son to cope with different ways of doing things and accept her as an important part of your partner’s life, in the same way your partner accepted your son.

But a ‘please knock’ or a ‘do not disturb’ on the bedroom door is reasonable.

It sounds more like an attempt to be welcoming as extended family, rather than anything else.

Well then naswet to his question is no, she's never going to change her habits. So can you move elsewhere, with or without the partner? Unless he is standing up to his mum this isn't going t end well.

She is lonely. Ask her to stay for dinner once or twice a week and when she comes over at other times encourage your DS to come into the communal space to chat to her, tell her about his day, then excuse himself to withdraw to his room.

I think you should have considered the arrangement more before moving into something that is already established.

This isn't the place to live if you want your own space.

It might suit some, it wouldn't suit me living so close to family members.

Im not sure I’ve ever read a mumsnet thread where someone is complaining that a step-grandparent is making too much effort before!

I think you can be clear about not going into your son's room but have to endure her wandering around the "communal" parts of the house. I'd hate this and prefer to live somewhere much smaller and cheaper rather than have anyone except my husband and children wandering in and out of my home freely like this BUT that's unfortunately the price of moving into someone else's established home with established expectations from their own parents/ extended family.

Focus on your son's privacy - this is essential as it will only become more of a problem as he approaches adolescence - but pick the room as your only hill to die on unless you want to end up in a tense and acrimonious atmosphere with your partner feeling stuck in the middle. He needs to stand up for ypur son's privacy in his own bedroom too though and be the first to broach this with her, followed by a polite but clear united front on this one issue.

Christmas is coming, sounds like Granny needs her own washing machine!

Would your DS feel better if there was some set activity/time for him to spend with her - today we're going for a walk with her, Saturday we're helping her in the garden etc?

She's extending a welcome to you and your son and sees you as part of her family, which is lovely. It could so easily have gone the other way. Don't forget, you are the newcomers to this arrangement, so I wouldn't start complaining about his mother lightly if I was you. I also find it rather odd that an 8 year old is so disturbed by the presence of this older lady. I understand the bedroom issue, but otherwise children don't normally take that much notice of such things. You should be helping your son to adapt to his new living environment and to accept different social situations. The three of you can't live in a bubble. Surely you knew his mum lived there too? Did you expect her to pretend she didn't exist. Frankly, I think you sound self absorbed and you're projecting a lot of this onto your son.

I remember reading about Emma Thompson's living arrangements. Her mother lived with the family in another part of the house. They had an interconnecting door that her mother would use once a day at 6pm. They'd all get together for a G&T and then go their separate ways again. Sounds lovely.

I do agree with those pointing out her good intentions. For those querying why this wasn't thought out beforehand - his mother lives in another property and her entering our house is not usual or routine. Her washing machine broke last month and she hasn't replaced it, she has been using my partner's and thus started making regular appearances in the house, precisely as we have moved in.

Before this, I've never seen her in the house unless my partner invited her for a family dinner.

Its only become a common occurrence since we've moved in, therefore was unforseen.

This is not a shared living arrangement - she has her own house.

@ginasevern she doesn't need to extend me a welcome in mine and my partner's home which isn't hers though?

She's never lived here - she has her own house separately.

I would be tempted to buy her a new washing machine lol. I'm introverted and would hate someone just popping in at any time. It's either yours and your sons home or it's not, if it's not so you can't put any boundaries in place about knocking then I'd move out.

People are allowed to leave their own houses you know! Her son has just moved a partner and her child into his life and she wants to get to know you. She's probably particularly excited about getting to know your son. Anyway, her regular visits sound temporary - so buy her a new washing machine! But for the love of god don't start moaning about her in the meantime because I think you'll make a big mistake.

You’ve moved into a house she has shared for ages-give her a break!
But do give your son a Do Not Disturb sign for his door, and tell her that you are all now going to respect his privacy. Nobody should go into a child’s room without an invitation, whoever they are. Including parents.

She's your MIL and she's been in your partners life a hell of a lot longer than you have. She wants to get to know you and your son and she's obviously well intentioned about it. But go and blow it up and see how well it ends OP.

Start walking round the house in your underwear - likely to scare her off from just waltzing in!