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Original poster

Standing on ceremony for the would-be Granny

78 replies

Concerningmum · 19/07/2025 14:55

Name changed for privacy.

I've recently moved in with my partner, along with my 8-year-old DS. My partner isn’t DS’s father, but they've known each other for a long time, and we’ve now moved into his home - a large country house with land, it's lovely! DS is happy about the move, but…

My partner’s mother lives on the property too, in a separate house. She comes over to our house to use the washing machine, which I don’t mind in principle at all - but each time she does, she pops her head into DS's bedroom and comments on whatever DS is doing (e.g., if he's watching TV or gaming).

She also comes into the kitchen for a long chat whenever she sees us there - even when I’m doing an activity or spending quality time with my son. DS said to me yesterday, “Will there always be other people in the house?” He’s used to it being just the two of us, with privacy and our own space. Now he seems unsure whether he can just relax without being “on.”

I completely understand that adjusting to sharing space takes time, and I get that she might be lonely or just looking for a chat. I also don’t want to be rude. But I’m struggling to find the balance... I want this to feel like DS’s home too, where he can switch off and just be himself without feeling like he has to entertain or answer to others. She isn't his grandmother.

How can I navigate this dynamic gently but firmly, so that DS feels comfortable and we can have our space respected? I need advice!

OP posts:

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Paperthin · 19/07/2025 16:19

I really have heard it all - ‘MIL trying to be friendly ‘ shocker!
Apart from her looking in on your son in his room which i can see will be strange for him ( but easily solved ) I cannot see what the issue is.

Superscientist · 19/07/2025 20:14

My family have all had an open door policy and people just walk in. I hate it so have always had my doors locked so they always have to knock and been let into the house. I'd start locking the doors so you have to let them in. Also mirror the behaviour you want to see. My parents with my sisters just turn up and they hate it but they do the same to my parents. I make sure I always call and see if they are available to have visitors and ask for the same. Rarely do we say a flat no but occasionally it's a can you come this afternoon instead of this morning as we are doing X. I'd ask for her to call before coming over and would start getting busy when she arrives.

Boundaries re your son's room isn't unreasonable and it's good practice to give children autonomy over boundaries. A do not disturb sign sounds a good idea. I'd ask her to give him some space too.

I'd also find some routine where you can spend time with her, get to know her better and make her feel like she is part of the family and allow your son to start to find her less of a stranger. I know when I haven't seen my mum for a while she is then less accommodating for my needs and will not consider what I might be doing when trying to come over or to phone. I try to see them one afternoon a week and for a meal at the weekend.

MrsRaspberry · 20/07/2025 12:10

ginasevern · 19/07/2025 15:47

She's extending a welcome to you and your son and sees you as part of her family, which is lovely. It could so easily have gone the other way. Don't forget, you are the newcomers to this arrangement, so I wouldn't start complaining about his mother lightly if I was you. I also find it rather odd that an 8 year old is so disturbed by the presence of this older lady. I understand the bedroom issue, but otherwise children don't normally take that much notice of such things. You should be helping your son to adapt to his new living environment and to accept different social situations. The three of you can't live in a bubble. Surely you knew his mum lived there too? Did you expect her to pretend she didn't exist. Frankly, I think you sound self absorbed and you're projecting a lot of this onto your son.

She doesn't need mummy's welcome or approval into the home the partners mum doesn't live under their roof. Sounds like mummy dearest needs to accept her son is a grown-up and not feel the need to waltz into his home that he has chosen to now share with his partner and her child

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MrsSkylerWhite · 20/07/2025 12:13

AcrobaticCardigan · 19/07/2025 15:40

Im not sure I’ve ever read a mumsnet thread where someone is complaining that a step-grandparent is making too much effort before!

This. I think she’s being welcoming and gracious. She isn’t to know that you don’t appreciate it.

Hoppinggreen · 20/07/2025 12:17

Concerningmum · 19/07/2025 15:54

@ginasevern she doesn't need to extend me a welcome in mine and my partner's home which isn't hers though?

She's never lived here - she has her own house separately.

Edited

Its not your house though, its her sons so if her son doesn't like the current arrangement then HE needs to tackle it.

Becs51 · 20/07/2025 12:21

Does she have other grandchildren? It sounds like maybe not so she may be excited at this new role in her life? Perhaps she thinks you’re welcoming the company being in a new environment etc. Maybe try doing some specific invites such as “ I’ve got a busy week this week but not much on Tuesday, maybe you’d like to bring your washing and we can catch up over some lunch” for example. It’s a subtle way of controlling the time without causing any upset. I would also ensure your sons bedroom is his space but encourage him to be a part of any get together when possible.

Ezzee · 20/07/2025 12:32

Hoppinggreen · 20/07/2025 12:17

Its not your house though, its her sons so if her son doesn't like the current arrangement then HE needs to tackle it.

Show quote history

This.
Did she help him buy the property ie. she downsized, gave him early inheritance etc.

Poonu · 20/07/2025 12:33

It was her living space, you moved in.

ChristOlive · 20/07/2025 12:38

Buy her a new washing machine and invite her to come round whichever days she likes at 11am for a cup of tea, and dinner once a week.

Teach your eight year old some basic manners and that a five minute chat with his elderly grandparent figure is not a chore.

Poonu · 20/07/2025 12:39

How long have you known your DP?
Are you married?
How long has he lived there? Has his DM always lived there?
Has he ever lived with any one before?
Dripfeed time

HiRen · 20/07/2025 12:41

Hang on - you have moved into your boyfriend’s house, which is on land that he and his mother already lived on. You moved into an established set up. You didn’t set this life up together with your boyfriend. That doesn’t mean you have no rights; but it does mean that the starting point is that you make all the adjustments. You’re not entitled to things a certain way. They are. It’s their home.

That being said, it’s not unreasonable to ask her not to walk into your son’s bedroom. It is totally unreasonable to expect your son to take your boyfriend’s mum as part of the package, because you have to as well - you’ve inflicted this on your son. He had a quiet private life before you chose to bring him into this household.

In reality, maybe you can be nice to her and have a conversation about timings and being busy and needing privacy and quiet. She’s not doing anything wrong. You just don’t like what she’s doing. But save a drip feed, this isn’t (yet) as much your house/land as your boyfriend’s, and clearly he’s happy with his mum being part of the deal - just like your son is part of the deal.

HollyhockDays · 20/07/2025 12:42

Buy her a washing machine.

Endofyear · 20/07/2025 12:43

Presumably this is a temporary arrangement until she gets a new washing machine - although it's odd that she hasn't replaced it in a month! Maybe suggest that your partner takes her to get a new one or helps her order one online? I would have a gentle word to her about respecting your child's privacy if he's in his room - she shouldn't be going in without knocking.

RosieRR · 20/07/2025 12:46

Don't overthink it. Enjoy the change whilst making time for you son, go out somewhere occasionally, just the 2 of you.

ChristmasLightsLover · 20/07/2025 12:50

Help her order a new washing machine and install it? There’s less reason to turn up then…

pikkumyy77 · 20/07/2025 13:02

Hoppinggreen · 20/07/2025 12:17

Its not your house though, its her sons so if her son doesn't like the current arrangement then HE needs to tackle it.

Show quote history

It is her house now.

PollyBell · 20/07/2025 13:02

You need to move out and live with your son, put him before the bf

cha04 · 20/07/2025 13:02

sounds like she comes with the house and relationship! Personally I would never move into anyone’s home especially when their mother lives on site too. It’s so important more than ever for women to be independent and have their own things. I think you’ve made a mistake and by saying something will probably cause friction between you and your partner. Don’t you feel like you’re living in someone’s home? I mean you are but does that alone not make you uncomfortable? I wouldn’t say there’s much you can do without causing a problem unless you move out.

Driftingawaynow · 20/07/2025 13:05

God I would hate this so much as a private person. Agree to start hanging out half naked to embarrass her out of just walking in, and talk to your partner. And maybe say your son has got stressed with you walking in and out if his room so you have agreed that everyone will knock first

Fly1ngG1raffe · 20/07/2025 13:13

It sounds like this is an established pattern of living for the MIL. What did you discuss about her access before you moved in? I don’t think it’s reasonable to move in knowing MIL uses some facilities in the main house and then to push her out. It is reasonable for son’s room to be his private space.

godmum56 · 20/07/2025 13:17

Sounds like a bit of a mixture to me. I think definitely bedrooms are off limits. A "do not disturb" or a "private" sign is fair enough on your child's door and should take some of the pressure off him. Depending on how easily you can talk to your partner's Mother, maybe a gentle conversation (or your partner has it) about everything being so new to him even though its lovely, and his benefitting from space and some privacy to encompass the changes in his life. Its not clear whether she moved out when you moved in although guessing not? There is also the thing about what your partner did when he was on his own there....was he always pleased to see her, did he say "hi Mum" and then just go and do his own thing? perhaps he wasn't there at all? How often does she "drop in" and how long does she stay for?
I think definitely support her to get her washing machine fixed/replaced.
I think on the other hand you are in shakedown and both you and your son will have to get used to having a bigger family and including your partner's mother in it. If she appears when you and your son are having a really private conversation, then maybe saying to her something like "Oh hi XXX, I was about to make coffee, why don't you go and have a seat in the lounge while DS and I finish our conversation?" and then go and spend a bit of chat time with her. I was a child who wasn't keen on visitors so the family rule was once I had said hello, I need not stay in the room but could go and do my own thing.

I mean only you know whether she is a nosey controlling person and resents your arrival or a pleasant but excitable person who is clumsily trying to make you welcome. If she has no experience of children then she may genuinely not know what is ok.

DecoratingDiva · 20/07/2025 13:24

Can nobody read? Do you not bother to check the OPs updates?

The MIL did not live there previously
It is not an established pattern of behaviour
OP has stayed there previously and this didn’t happen

Im with you OP, I’d find this incredibly rude and intrusive, especially her checking on my son in what should be his private space.

Get your partner to make sure she gets a new washing machine ASAP and then try to push things back to how they used to be.

In the short term tell her not to go into your sons room as that is his own space and he has a right to have his privacy respected.

Gindrinker43 · 20/07/2025 13:34

You are about to be that DIL. Reading between the lines you have probably moved on to a farm or similar, MIL has been there for years and is used to having generations around and a busy family life. Careful, if you’re too difficult your partner might make a choice, be glad that they are embracing having someone else’s child there, and don’t be so entitled.

Muffinmam · 20/07/2025 14:00

Concerningmum · 19/07/2025 15:51

I do agree with those pointing out her good intentions. For those querying why this wasn't thought out beforehand - his mother lives in another property and her entering our house is not usual or routine. Her washing machine broke last month and she hasn't replaced it, she has been using my partner's and thus started making regular appearances in the house, precisely as we have moved in.

Before this, I've never seen her in the house unless my partner invited her for a family dinner.

Its only become a common occurrence since we've moved in, therefore was unforseen.

Buy her a new washing machine.

HiRen · 20/07/2025 14:31

pikkumyy77 · 20/07/2025 13:02

It is her house now.

Show quote history

No, it’s not. It’s just where she and her son live. It’s their home. But it’s not their house. Which is a terrible, vulnerable and insecure way to live.

I would never, ever make myself so beholden to someone by living in their house in this way. OP’s problems would be the smallest of reasons.

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