Moving too much with kids? Can it work?

[Thuraya17]

il try to make it short but that’s probably impossible.

My husbands job moves us every year, now that we have a toddler I’m starting to worry. Our son will be 3 next year which is kindergarten age, I know they don’t have to go but I don’t want him to be behind his peers when he starts school at 6 if he’s never socialised in large groups so therefore I plan to put him in at 3 years old for around 5 hours a day 9-2pm or something like that. The problem is, how do we do that if we’re moving each year, it doesn’t seem fair to keep putting him in a completely new school every year, how will he make and keep friends.

Furthermore, I have a permanent job which I’m on maternity leave for, which is the only reason why I’ve been able to keep my job since we don’t live in the city where I work anymore. If I don’t return next year I’m going to lose my job. I always wanted to be a Sahm but now I’m thinking if my sons at Kita I might as well go and get my salary again since I got a whole degree for this job. My husbands job is not amazingly well paid, it’s more well paid than mine but nothing ridiculous or crazy or worth moving every year for BUT it’s his dream and he loves it. The industry just means lots of moving.

Due to his work, we’ve already spent quite a lot of time apart and I don’t want to move back to where my job is whilst he travels for work as me and my son found it really difficult living away from him.

We both hold different passports and I have residency in a 3rd country (where my job is). My husband lost his residency as he travelled to much for work, I kept mine by flying back and forth. With a toddler in tow it’s all getting to be very messy. It looks impossible for us to have another child in this mess and I would like another at some point.

what do I do?

1. Relocate every year for now and worry about my job and/or permanent residency for our family somewhere later on in life? (We can’t/don’t want to live in either of our home countries for a multitude of reasons even though they’re not terrible)
2. Go back to work next year to provide consistency for our son and just visit my husband as much as we can. (Dads work away all the time right?) p.s my husband hates this option.
3. Some other amazing plan someone has for me?

I feel okay but it must be really stressing me out because I can’t sleep thinking about it and I can always sleep 🥲

The only solution in the situation you put forward is number 2 surely? You and your dc can’t be moving every year forever more so something needs to give!

We moved every 2 years when my kiddo was young. She grew up extra resilient and can handle chage great. She's an adult now and doing great even though we moved at least 20 times.

You simply cannot move every year with a child once that child enters education.

And if you do it now in the pre-school years then you are sacrificing your career for your husband's career.

I'd put down roots where your job is and have your dh - and maybe you and son - visit where possible. I can see why your dh hates this option. I would too if I were you but what the fuck does he expect - that his wife and son give up all relationships and jobs every year so he can do something he enjoys that isn't particularly lucrative?? Seriously? What was he thinking when he decided to have a child?

My husband had a job that involved regular moving. I found that DD happily handled the moves until she turned 4, including new nursery every time . After that she really struggled with change, and luckily (although also purposefully), husband moved to a different role with permanent contract. But I've made it clear that we are staying put now, as she has lovely friends at school and it would definitely unsettled her a lot to move again.

Could you settle with your son, in the city where your job is and your husband travels back and forth every few weeks.

Seems easier for him than dragging a little one around don't you think @Thuraya17?

she handles change great because she had to.

She was extra resilient because she had to be.

I'm sure your daughter is a lovely and happy young woman - good for you for making that happen - but in no world is it ideal to move a child 20 times during their growing up years.

The only people I’ve known do something similar are the military. BUT then they have a community of other military families AND in the UK at a certain age if they keep moving they have access to funds to send the children to boarding school.

I am quite surprised your DH isn’t open to retraining, or a sideways move, or something, to allow for a family life now he has a child.

It’s not a ‘never follow your dreams’ situation, but a ‘while I have small children I need to prioritise them and family life’ situation. Think of all those women who take different jobs, different hours, lower pay, whatever, in order to be around for their families.

I think he should think seriously about his life, if he wants closeness, proper relationships in his life, and a wife and child that can thrive. And make a change to his employment. If he’s not even considering this, I’d be disappointed (in which case, option 2 I guess. But I’d want to discuss option 4 - maturing and shifting career priorities first)

I feel like option number 3 has to be that your husband looks for another job.
It's a shame as I know you've said he loves it but ultimately he needs to choose between that and option 2.

We moved multiple times when I was a child due to my father’s job - not quite every year, but I never had more than three years in one place. It was absolutely horrendous. I would never subject my own child to that.

I would have thought the best option OP is that your husband finds a job that doesn’t require so much travel. Option 2 in the meantime while he is looking.

As a military child who moved every one to two years - without being melodramatic- at 34 I am still working through the multitude of ways it has fucked me up relationally! My children are 2 and 5 months and we have just bought the house we plan on spending the next 25+ years so my children have the exact opposite experience.
my parents put me in the same school from 11 thinking that would give me the stability I needed but the damage was already done by then so don't leave it to worry about later. One or two moves in childhood won’t have this kind of damage but every year definitely will. And for what it’s worth until I was 25 I thought I was highly resilient because of it - could fit in anywhere, make friends etc it was all fake.
your husband needs to prioritise your family.

You need to have a serious talk with your dh. His dream job isn't very compatible with family life or your career. Choose where you would like to settle, both look for new jobs there.

Same and would never do this with my own kids. I'm sure my parents think it was great and no problem for me etc as I'm "so well travelled, resilient, had lots of opportunities" but honestly its not what I would have chosen and I really didnt like it.

@Thuraya17 What’s your husbands actual working schedule like? Shift work? Mon-fri? X days on/X days off?
And what would your working schedule be if you were to go back to your current job?

How far are the moves likely to be? Are we talking within the UK?

My husband works away for weeks at a time. If we moved with him he’d be home every night and have some great time off with us too BUT, it would mean moving likely every 9months to 1year and personally I just don’t think that’s reasonable with a young child.
We have a stable long term home set up where DS (4yo) and I live full time. He goes to a great nursery, has friends, will go with his nursery class into school when the time comes etc. DH comes home during his time off.

OP - as a child, we moved every couple of years. It’s OK in early primary school, but the older you get, the more it messes up your education. My secondary education was shot to hell, which was far from ideal, so I would say that your lifestyle is OK for now, but you need to think about long term solutions that will work for your family, and ideally have settled down a bit by the time your DC is about 7 - so when they start KS2.

I haven't been on the moving side but what I can say is that from those I've met through life who moved a lot they always fall into two categories. Which are shown very clearly on this thread.

The children who moved always acknowledge how much of an impact it had on them. How they find it difficult to feel settled, form strong attachments as they knew it was pointless and how now as parents they feel the need for stability for their own children.

Then there are the parents of these children who almost always gloss over all these issues and comment on how resilient their child was and how they adapted and made friends anywhere. It's almost like they need to believe this narrative to show they didn't impact their children by moving so frequently.

It's very telling that it's never the child that moved so frequently saying how wonderful it was.

I think you need to prioritise your child OP and that means option 2 or your husband gets a new job. You cannot move every year just because it's what your husband wants at the detriment of your child's happiness, friendships, education and chance of stability.

Every child deserves to feel safe and have a sense of permanency. Living out of a suitcase, always moving is considered an ACE because it impacts a child’s attachment and ability to form lasting relationships and friendships.

I would insist on option 3 - your partner needs to put his child first now, not himself, and find a job that is based in one place. Enough is enough. He has responsibilities to the child to be present and to raise them properly. He sounds at best, a part time father which is also going to impact your child. It isn’t fair to him or you. Time to grow up and provide some consistency and put the child’s needs first

I moved several times as a child. 6 different schools. I hated it. It was so difficult every time. I would never put my children through it. He needs to find another job

This!!

me and my sibling would tell you it’s shit.

my parents are still oblivious to the fact we hated it

Is there any way that you could work your job remotely for a couple of years? Or move companies to do the same thing remotely?

If so I would do the moving thing and just change kindergarten until he is 5, and then at 5 settle where you want him to be at school.

If you want a second child, the other option is to return to your job briefly, take a second maternity leave soon afterwards (travel for this too) but then return to your job at the end.

Either way, by the time ds is 5 I think that you should be settled somewhere where he will go to school for his childhood.

My mum had moved 10 times by the time she was 16 years old. She doesn't speak fondly of this at all and like many others on this thread she then made sure once she had kids that we had the same childhood home and didn't move for 39 years.

As others say - option 2 is feasible (which still isn't ideal for your child to not have both parents at home). Realistically the best option for your child your DH looks for another job that doesn't require the relocating. We all make sacrifices when we have kids, is there really no other job on the planet he'd enjoy if it meant giving his family some stability?

DH’s job isn’t child-friendly. Cant that change? Very hard on DC and you to move yearly or to see him rarely.

DH needs a new job. Moving every year won't work for the toddler or for you. Why is he so wedded to an unsuitable job?

Oh OP, that does sound really hard — no wonder you’re lying awake at night, it’s a lot to juggle.
You’re clearly doing your best to think about what’s right for everyone, and that’s no small task when jobs, residency, childcare and relationships are all pulling in different directions.
Re: your little one — lots of kids in military/diplomatic/expat families move often and still thrive but if the parents take the right approach. At 3, it’s really more about warm care, play, and socialising than lifelong friendships. So if you keep moving, short-term local kindergartens or international settings (Montessori etc) might help give him that consistency without needing to stay in one place long-term.
As for your job — if it’s hard to replace and important for residency or long-term finances, I’d be tempted to go back if you can do it without completely burning out or feeling like you’re sacrificing the whole family’s happiness. If the separation from your husband was awful last time and he hates the idea too, that has to factor in.
Would it be possible to give yourselves a 2–3 year plan — keep moving together, part-time Kita for your son, maybe look for remote work or a more flexible role in your field? That way you’re not giving up your career forever, just pressing pause until things settle a bit.
Also, might be worth talking to a migration advisor re: residency status — there may be ways to protect that without having to fly back and forth constantly.
No perfect answer here but you’re clearly thoughtful and doing your best. Just remember you matter too, not just the logistics.

I moved 6 times in childhood before age 11, it really messed me up and I still find it hard to make friends and feel settled in one place.

I had depression from 12 years old after the last move, it's been a lifelong struggle with my mood. There's research evidence to suggest depression is more likely with frequent childhood moves.

I won't move my DC.