Moving too much with kids? Can it work?

[Thuraya17]

il try to make it short but that’s probably impossible.

My husbands job moves us every year, now that we have a toddler I’m starting to worry. Our son will be 3 next year which is kindergarten age, I know they don’t have to go but I don’t want him to be behind his peers when he starts school at 6 if he’s never socialised in large groups so therefore I plan to put him in at 3 years old for around 5 hours a day 9-2pm or something like that. The problem is, how do we do that if we’re moving each year, it doesn’t seem fair to keep putting him in a completely new school every year, how will he make and keep friends.

Furthermore, I have a permanent job which I’m on maternity leave for, which is the only reason why I’ve been able to keep my job since we don’t live in the city where I work anymore. If I don’t return next year I’m going to lose my job. I always wanted to be a Sahm but now I’m thinking if my sons at Kita I might as well go and get my salary again since I got a whole degree for this job. My husbands job is not amazingly well paid, it’s more well paid than mine but nothing ridiculous or crazy or worth moving every year for BUT it’s his dream and he loves it. The industry just means lots of moving.

Due to his work, we’ve already spent quite a lot of time apart and I don’t want to move back to where my job is whilst he travels for work as me and my son found it really difficult living away from him.

We both hold different passports and I have residency in a 3rd country (where my job is). My husband lost his residency as he travelled to much for work, I kept mine by flying back and forth. With a toddler in tow it’s all getting to be very messy. It looks impossible for us to have another child in this mess and I would like another at some point.

what do I do?

1. Relocate every year for now and worry about my job and/or permanent residency for our family somewhere later on in life? (We can’t/don’t want to live in either of our home countries for a multitude of reasons even though they’re not terrible)
2. Go back to work next year to provide consistency for our son and just visit my husband as much as we can. (Dads work away all the time right?) p.s my husband hates this option.
3. Some other amazing plan someone has for me?

I feel okay but it must be really stressing me out because I can’t sleep thinking about it and I can always sleep 🥲

It absolutely affected my children - that's one of the reasons I put my foot down about stopping when they got a little older. I realised my eldest was unable to form anything but superficial friendships (international schools, so everyone always moving around, rare to have a long-term friendship). I hold a fair bit of guilt about doing it to them, having to pack up and leave everything familar (often including toys that were too big to take, friends, foods etc), and would do what I could to keep stability - eg meal routines, even down to buying the same ikea furniture where I could in the new place.

I hope I got it early enough, he has good friends now we've lived in the same place for more than 5 years, and I have no intention of moving again (not least because I hate moving having done it so much). But there's been things like that it took them about 3 years in the same place to realise they could decorate their rooms how they liked, and it wasn't going to be wasted effort.

I agree about resilience. Coping with something doesn't make it a good thing necessarily.

Thank you for this. I feel very seen. And some great advice. Really, thank you.

Thank you for this. My husband is a wonderful husband and an amazing father. He absolutely doesn’t want to live apart from us and if I asked him to change jobs he would change jobs. The thing is, I don’t want him to have to do that. He retires early from this job anyway, probably in around 5-7 years and then we can stick in one place but he has put everyone before himself his whole life (oldest son syndrome) and i think he deserves to finish his last few years before he retires and changes career.

we’ve spent a few months apart from him in the last year and it breaks both of our hearts. Thankfully DS is still obsessed with his dad and he does slot straight back in as soon as we’re back together but I know it won’t go on like this.

I guess I’m wondering is it better to move kita a couple of times as a toddler and let my job go for now, or live away from one parent the majority of say 9 months per year 😣

We moved around a lot for my dad's job when I was primary aged.

Making good friends and being settled in school, starting to feel at home and picking the colours and stuff for my bedroom and then one day getting told we are leaving again.

The parents always trot out "It made my kids resilient!" and "Children are more adaptable than you think!" to make themselves feel better.
It's so fucking selfish.

I had a dream job that I always wanted to do growing up and I was lucky to actually get into that job when I left school. It was a lot of travel and a lot of long unsociable hours.
When I planned to have children I gave it up for them so they could have a settled childhood. I honestly could never take them away from their school and friends just for a job.

@Thuraya17 Personally I would do it with one parent being away. It’s a huge sacrifice as a family (we do it too, so I really do get how hard it is ❤️) BUT, you both get to keep your careers, your child gets to keep the stability of a place being home and having consistent classmates, and you know it’s only for a 5-7 year stretch.

What is your holiday entitlement like? Would there be the possibility of you guys travelling to your DH a few times a year in addition to his time off?
I understand that he’d still be working but it would mean you and DC having some time to explore a new place and maybe at least getting evenings with DH and the odd day off maybe?

It not realistic to be moving every year. You aren’t free to live your childfree lives anymore. Life changes when you start a family.

I had a job that required a lot of travel and long commutes. I wasn’t away, but I was commuting 6 hours a day, with a work day in between when my dc were young. It worked when they were nursery and early primary school age.

Children actually need you around more as they get older. Mine are 7 & 12 now. It wouldn’t be possible for both of us to work 8-6 or one of to be away loads now, when it was a bit easier at 3. They have sports and activities in the evening. And there is homework, bloody hours of homework! They need one, ideally both parents around and they need to be settled with friends and community around them.

I’ve made a career change so I can be present. No more regular travel or commuting. Now one or both of us are always home with them.

It’s unreasonable to move him every school year, you know that.

i would consider options to be:
You settle where suits you and your child and DH visits you (not you visiting him)
Your husband gets a new job that fits with family life
Some would stick their DC in boarding school but your child is so young, the reality of being a decent parent is the child comes first - tough shit if DH doesn’t want to change jobs, he should if he can.

Could he retire a bit early, say in 3 years? Early childhood friendships are often (although not always!) quite fluid, so a couple of different early learning settings early on would not be as destabilising, not if he has a good, stable home life.

Then, when your son is 6, you could settle in one place for his schooling so he can develop those long term relationships and sense of home. Even if your husband isn't ready to retire quite then, it would be a much shorter period of separation.

The other factor is making sure you maintain residency somewhere you want to live, so might be wise to consult a migration advisor on that now so that you can both plan.

I think there’s an option you’re missing- your husband needs to leave his job and get a stable job in one place- your child comes first not his job

Army wife! Moved every 2 years for 14 years with 2 young kids. Both now adults one at uni and one setting up his own business. My kids loved moving haha did make them less tolerant to nonsense.