Moving too much with kids? Can it work?

[Thuraya17]

il try to make it short but that’s probably impossible.

My husbands job moves us every year, now that we have a toddler I’m starting to worry. Our son will be 3 next year which is kindergarten age, I know they don’t have to go but I don’t want him to be behind his peers when he starts school at 6 if he’s never socialised in large groups so therefore I plan to put him in at 3 years old for around 5 hours a day 9-2pm or something like that. The problem is, how do we do that if we’re moving each year, it doesn’t seem fair to keep putting him in a completely new school every year, how will he make and keep friends.

Furthermore, I have a permanent job which I’m on maternity leave for, which is the only reason why I’ve been able to keep my job since we don’t live in the city where I work anymore. If I don’t return next year I’m going to lose my job. I always wanted to be a Sahm but now I’m thinking if my sons at Kita I might as well go and get my salary again since I got a whole degree for this job. My husbands job is not amazingly well paid, it’s more well paid than mine but nothing ridiculous or crazy or worth moving every year for BUT it’s his dream and he loves it. The industry just means lots of moving.

Due to his work, we’ve already spent quite a lot of time apart and I don’t want to move back to where my job is whilst he travels for work as me and my son found it really difficult living away from him.

We both hold different passports and I have residency in a 3rd country (where my job is). My husband lost his residency as he travelled to much for work, I kept mine by flying back and forth. With a toddler in tow it’s all getting to be very messy. It looks impossible for us to have another child in this mess and I would like another at some point.

what do I do?

1. Relocate every year for now and worry about my job and/or permanent residency for our family somewhere later on in life? (We can’t/don’t want to live in either of our home countries for a multitude of reasons even though they’re not terrible)
2. Go back to work next year to provide consistency for our son and just visit my husband as much as we can. (Dads work away all the time right?) p.s my husband hates this option.
3. Some other amazing plan someone has for me?

I feel okay but it must be really stressing me out because I can’t sleep thinking about it and I can always sleep 🥲

He needs to find another job: this situation is wrong for his family and he should step up and do something about it.

Another selfish arsehole that puts himself before all else. It is so tedious.

Op rattles off a long list of options, none of them involving him actually stepping up and being a proper father!

Everyone turning themselves into travelling pretzels people pleasing to a ridiculous degree - all to keep the man happy, not even considering the fact said man should have secured a stable job years ago, and supported his partner and child properly.

I truly despair.

Your kid will be fine to start nursery now and move again in a year. After that you should look to be in one place. Probably back where your current job is if you’ll need the income. Your dh should start thinking about how he can shift his career to suit his family.

I went to school with the nicely named ‘army brats’ which was actually a term of endearment (apparently). They moved every two years. None of them loved it and eventually most went to board around y9 so in place for GCSEs. If moving every year is a long term option one to be aware of.

School will be a nightmare.

do you own a property anywhere?

he needs to rethink what he is doing or are you just going to be a trailing spouse?

My husband and I had completely opposite experiences growing up - I lived in the same house other than for uni, until I moved out as an adult, went to one primary school and one secondary school; his family moved areas about 5 times for his Dad’s job, with changes of school each time.

At the time, there were implications for his education, eg moving between areas with and without a middle school system, changing secondary schools in Y10 and not being able to keep the same options subjects (which incidentally turned him off education altogether and he couldn’t wait to leave at 16), but it’s only as our son comes to the end of secondary school that my husband is seeing the broader social impacts of the repeated moves.

We’ve stayed in the same town, close to my family as it turned out, and he’s now seeing our son developing those deeper links between people and within the community, eg finishing secondary school with some of the same people he went to nursery with, developing connections with people through clubs and activities who are already part of the ‘web’ that someone or another knows, and he’s said recently that he feels like he missed out on those experiences because they never stayed in one place long enough, and it had never really occurred to him before now.

Having said that, I know the idea of living in a relatively small town for 20 years is some people’s idea of hell, and I’m not saying that moving with kids is a terrible thing, just that with a small family anyway, having no real links to people from his childhood is even now showing different effects on my husband in his 40s.

I grew up in scenario 2 and it was hard. My dad worked abroad as we needed the extra money this brought due to the high interest rates of the early 90s. He could be gone for 1-4 months at a time and was away 10+ months a year.
I think when most people imagine these scenarios they picture the travelling parent just slotting back into family life and it just doesn't happen. My mum was used to doing things herself and her way. We were not used my dad being a care giver. It was honestly like having a visitor rather than a parent. Children change so quickly so things we were interested in when he left we had lost interest in when he returned. We walked on egg shells for the first few days of him back as we were meant to be happy to have him back, which we absolutely were, but at the same time all of our routines and ways of doing things for thrown out of wack.

He stopped working abroad when I was 11 and the first year of having him back was hard. It really was a huge adjustment and I wouldn't now take any job nor be happy with my partner having a job that required significant travel.

I moved multiple times as a child (but not every year!) and am fine with it, and have a couple of friends who had similar experiences and feel the same. However, we're clearly the exception, and I am still aware that I am not 'from' anywhere (but I'm okay with this).

I think the best option is that your husband consider a career pivot to allow more stability. Failing that, option 2, you and your child settle where your job is and your husband joins you when he can. But that's a distant second best – as previous people said, he will be more a visitor than a parent.

I moved a lot as a child. It was fine in infant school (I did find school easy though) but it was awful in secondary school.

I moved a lot (military child.) I went to boarding school when I was 7 to mitigate the effect on my education, but it doesn't sound like your husband's job would afford that option (which, in any case, comes with potential side issues.) Moving a lot can make you resilient. It can also make you insecure, a serial outsider, etc. I think it's either option 2 or option 3.

We moved a lot when I was a child too and I think it had a very detrimental affect on me. I've made sure my kids never had to move school as a result.
My parents were also the type to say "well it never did you any harm". So flippant, makes me cross. Yes actually it did quite a lot of harm. But they refuse to hear it.
Don't do it to your child OP, settled stability is better.

Moving a couple of times in 18 years? Obviously fine. Moving every year? It will fuck up this child and fuck up any career opportunities for you and you will become dependent on this selfish man.

Option 2.

I was the child (and my siblings) who got moved around loads due to Dad's job. My mum would say it gave us wonderful experiences and how resilient we all are. Me and my brothers would all say some nice memories but fucked us all up in terms of managing relationships, friendships etc. Me and my siblings all have that notion of homesickness without a place - longing for somewhere that doesn't exist. We all are prioritising stability and roots for our kids.

OP I agree with you, one or two moves will be fine but you don't want to do too many.

I've already shared my thoughts in this thread.

It's surprising how much criticism OP's DH is receiving without more context or details. OP mentions that his job was a dream her DH had been pursuing, suggesting it had been in the works for years before he actually began. There's also a chance that DH had been working in this field even before they got married.

P.S.: Honestly, one thing that really bothers me on Mumsnet is the common cultural idea that every woman is portrayed as a victim.

We moved every two years and my kid is so adaptable, makes friends easily, has a lot of confidence, friends around the world, and didn’t miss anything in education. It is just how you approach it and can work really well.

Option 2 is best for you and your son. If your husband hates it, he can stay put too.

I moved school 5 times. I am confident and make surface level friends easily. The deeper relationships are really hard for me and I struggled not really having a “bestie”. What was the point as I’d just have to leave them behind. The fact they are scattered to the winds isn’t really a bonus.

What country are you in? Is there any chance to be fairly central so while you or he might be travelling it would be halfway bearable?

Lucky old her. My parents were always moving & it ruined my childhood. I ended up not being able to make friends because I was always the outsider & by the time I got used to everything, whoosh! we were off again. I would never do that to my kids.

I have no magical solution….just here to say I get it. I really do.
My DH also has a job that requires us to move, often internationally every couple of years. My DCs have been to 4 different schools so far and we are about to move again later on this year.
It’s cliche as hell, but kids really are a lot more adaptable than we give them credit for. As long as they have consistency at home (wherever home happens to be at that given moment), the other changes in environment don’t really make all that much difference in the grand scheme of things.
At our current location, I’ve been unable to work - so much legal red tape 🤦🏻‍♀️ And it’s driven me completely round the bend.
Living apart from DH isn’t an option we are willing to consider, so for now I just keep telling myself that he’s got just shy of 10 years left in his contract. We just need to see that out, and then he’ll be eligible for full retirement for the rest of his life and could get away with never having to work again - then it will be my turn.

You cant possibly move every year with a child, and that must have been obvious to you both when you had them. So only two options are (1) you stay in 1 place and husband moves around or (2) you both stay in one place and husband changes job. Of course you can do a few years of (1) and transition into (2).

As for Option 3, people in similar situations do send their children boarding schools (diplomats, armed forces, etc) but that’s not for everyone obviously.

What's your husbands plan? He's the one causing upheaval to his wife and child, for his own self indulgence, so it's on him to fix.
Prioritise a happy, secure childhood for your kid, and your own financial security.

I moved a lot as a child 10
schools I think . On the plus side Im social and
good at making connections on the negative side I hated it always the new kid never feeling part of things.I do resent my parents for this amongst other things . They did it because it suited them . Kids need stability .

Ex and I moved a lot when the kids were younger - every 6-18 months, house or country. I was lucky enough that I could freelance remotely so I kept my career (this is very important).

When my eldest was about to hit secondary age I said it was time to pick somewhere to stay for a while, so his education didn't suffer. So we did. Ex continued to travel, started sleeping with all and sundry (I never would have believed he would do that, and yet he did) and I obviously had to end it - which is why it was so important I still had my career, so I had that choice open to me. If I'd let my job lapse, if we'd kept moving and I was in some country where my residency was tied to his job, then I would have been screwed.

Think carefully on this OP. Don't leave yourself more vulnerable than you need to.

I moved house a lot as a child, even though it was always either within the same county, or the neighbouring counties of my school, so I was always able to stay there, but even that was so stressful. I’ve moved less as an adult, but the house I’m living in at the moment isn’t really practical as a forever home and I’m already dreading the prospect of having to move again. Going through these things in childhood doesn’t always make us more resilient. To be honest I’ve always thought the whole resilience thing that’s being trotted out more recently, is just an excuse to treat people, children and adults alike, like shit.

It's interesting that the new replies follow exactly the same pattern as I indicated earlier. I understand parents want to believe that this doesn't impact their children but it's very telling that the majority of the children in this situation are greatly impacted.

I think that should tell you everything you need to know OP.