I want to be alone the popular mum gang!

[Potty1829]

I think I’m being a bit of an idiot so hoping you ladies can give me a brutal reality check! 😂

My daughter is coming to the end of reception. She’s always been very sensitive and introverted but primary school seemed to really bring her out of her shell. Her teacher on numerous occasions said she was very popular and was seemingly friends with everyone which was music to my ears. As the year progressed, she became close with a group of three girls who already knew each other outside of school (their mums were already friends/they went to the same nursery/they had older siblings at the same school). The mums weren’t particularly approachable but I hoped, as our children grew closer, I’d be welcomed into the click with open arms! 😂 My daughter was invited to a couple of their birthday parties (small gatherings at their houses), it was all looking good!

Over the last couple of months, however, my daughter has gradually distanced herself from the group and is now best friends with someone else. From what I can gather, she was being excluded from playing with the group by one particular girl (the ring leader if you will). It’s made me sad to see her isolating herself; she went from being friends with everyone to now just playing with one girl who I must say, seems far less interested in the friendship. I was hoping to set up some play dates over the summer holidays but her mother doesn’t speak very good English.

Whilst this has all been happening, the group of three girls has become a group of four. I’m not sure whether the mum of the fourth member already knows the other mums but they seem to have become close very quickly; picking up each others children, going to after school activities together (and that’s just what I’ve overheard on school pick up). I feel like such a loser, I actively seek them out during drop off/pick up to see if they’re together, I feel like utter crap when I see them waiting for each other at the school gate and I’m always asking my daughter if she’s played with them/if they’re meeting up after school. The irony is I actually don’t think I’d get on with them; they’re quite a bit younger than me and just seem like real bitches!

I’m not sure why I care so much! Perhaps because they’re the equivalent of the popular kids at school and let’s face it, we all wanted to be part of that gang. Or maybe because I didn’t have any/many friends at school and therefore hoped my daughter would be different. I’m hoping you’ll all tell me how ridiculous I’m being and give me some advice on how to stop acting like a stalker! 😂

I’m not sure why I care so much!

nor do I. It’s all a bit toe curling.

and your thread title doesn’t really make sense?

This is mad. She’s just finished reception but if you hadn’t mentioned that part I’d have thought you were talking about teenagers. Popular? Growing close? She’ll have had a few friendship turnovers by the time she’s in Year 2! Stop questioning her and seeking out the other parents and let them all get on with it.

I’m always asking my daughter if she’s played with them/if they’re meeting up after school.

ok this is weird op

That has got to be one of the oddest OPs I can recall in recent times

Please stop making her feel conscious about it. Your DD is much safer steering clear of this kind of girl group, especially if the mums are the types to be a bit cliquey etc. Sounds like your dd has been so sensible in pulling away and finding other friends when they started to mistreat her, rather than chasing people who push her away (like you are 😬). You're worth more than that OP.

Gosh that sounds exhausting. It’s reception. Friendships change a lot. Encourage your DD to have plenty of friends and from next year invite as many as you can for drop off playdates. If there’s women you like enough to be friends with then that’s great, if not it doesn’t matter, but sometimes it won’t necessarily be your kids friends mums that you get on with. One of my closest friends is some I met ‘at the school gates’ but she has a son who was in the other class and our kids get on fine but have never been particularly close. Meanwhile I’ve never got past a few plesssantaries over coffee with DD’s BF’s mum. Nice lady but we just don’t have a lot in common other than the kids.

Find yourself another mum on her own, go for coffee. They sound like trouble.

You have to be led by her more here. You can't decide what her friendship groups will be. You just watch and ensure that they aren't inappropriate or bullying.

Make your own friends amongst the other parents if you really want to. There will be others not in these awful cliques somewhere too. Talk to some of them if you can. Your friends will not necessarily be the parents of your child's friends and nor do they have to be.

You seem to be trying to steer her back towards the original group of girls. You can't do that. They've already made her feel unwelcome somehow and she has sensibly responded by moving away and starting to make other friends. Stop quizzing her about them and accept her new choices more.

Friendship groups at that age are very fickle and will come and go throughout her school career. You really can't control that at all. The important thing is that she is happy, or at least coping and not unhappy.

Kindly OP you are massively overthinking this. You do not need to be friends with the primary school mums unless you actually LIKE them - just having kids the same age means nothing. Work on your hobbies / work / life outside of the playground. Who your 5 yr old is friends with now is irrelevant to anyone but her.

I hadn’t really thought about it like that but you’re probably right, I think I have been unconsciously trying to steer her back into that friendship group :/ sometimes you think you know what’s best for them but clearly she’s far better placed to make those choices - thank you!

That's right. You can't make those choices for her. You can advise and guide her if things go wrong, be there to comfort her when they inevitably do, and get to know the friends she does make. It will all change dozens of times through the next few years too and you will find yourself bemused and struggling to keep up with it.

As others have said though, you are under no obligation at all to be friends with the other school parents. It might happen, it might not. You might like each other or you might not be bothered. Concentrate too on life outside of and around school. Your old friends, hobbies if you have any, work etc.

Maybe i should dress it up into something pretty bit of this is actually happening i would start saving for therapy, for her especially

Why do women when theot children go to school go all overly dramatic i wonder if these women need a hobby, new job what is it that makes them sound like an American TV drama?

Op…. Have you generally struggled forming friendships throughout life?

I’m always asking my daughter if she’s played with them/if they’re meeting up after school. The irony is I actually don’t think I’d get on with them; they’re quite a bit younger than me and just seem like real bitches!

Please stop. Drop the rope. Let your daughter find out over time who she does / doesn’t want to be friends with, and if you would like more friends yourself take up a hobby or sport.

Having just reread the Op, I feel a little concerned for the safety of these women!

Hi, I actually get this a bit. At my son's school there's a group of slightly more upper class and stylish mums who all stand together in the playground, greet each other with kisses on the cheek etc. It does sometimes make me feel like why don't they want to be friends with me? Why can't I be one of them? Their kids seem to be becoming the 'cool kids' too. My son is in the same class as their children but not close friends and sometimes I secretly wish he was. It doesn't help that we live in a small town and bump into the same people constantly, usually all hanging out together.

But then I take a breath and remember that this is all temporary and I have a life outside the playground. I have friends from work and other mums I can chat to. Luckily I have other children too and I'm looking forward to a new group of mums to stand with when my other children start school! I think I'll probably make more effort right from the start next time. High school never ends!

You would be better off encouraging other friendships. Are there other children she sometimes shows an interest in or whose parent you sometimes chat to at pick up? There are probably 20+ other families in the class, you might find other parents you get on with. You say yourself you don't have much in common with the 'click' on the surface, so I wouldn't push it.

My DD is 9. She has been navigating some friendship issues. She is friends with a girl who wants to be 'Top Dog' and it's causing dramas. 2 girls have newly joined the class (separately to each other) and both like DD. We have gently suggested to DD that life might be calmer if she plays more with these 2, who she does like too. At first she didn't want to miss out but now she seems to have come round.

My internal rule is if I ever feel sad about not being in a clique is make my own better clique. This has never failed!

It’s great if you can cultivate genuine friendships via school. Out the other side hardly any of our kids still friends but the parents are we see each other all the time on a weekly basis pretty much.

OP, you seem far more invested in your daughter being being part of the perceived "popular group" of girls than your daughter is.
And very invested in becoming part of a popular mums clique.
Please don't hand your insecurities down to your daughter, and be supportive of the friendships she wants, rather than the ones you want for her.

@Potty1829 You sound like you have never really got over not being one of the popular crowd at school. Please try really hard not to pass on these hang ups to your child. The best thing your daughter is to make friends with the children who are nice, not the children who are popular. Sometimes they are one and the same, sometimes they are not. At reception age it probably isn't possible to tell yet because their personalities aren't fully developed. But I would guess that if there is a group of girls whose mothers are cliquey and mean, there's a higher chance that those girls will become cliquey and mean as well.

My son started at school this year and he's had a few ups and downs, especially with one particular boy who he really wanted to be friends with. Every day it was "Sam this, Sam that", but from what I could tell Sam didn't seem to be very interested. I just told him that sometimes people want to be friends and sometimes they don't, and he should just play with everyone until he knows who the nice kids are. It's now the end of the year and he's been invited on a couple of playdates with kids he met this year and a birthday party tomorrow afternoon for a girl whose parents I don't know. He even seems to be getting on with Sam when I pick him up. You just have to let them forge their own path and not get involved unless there is actual bullying going on. You won't do them any favours at all trying to stage manage their friendships, making them feel inadequate for not being friends with the children you think are the popular ones, or making them believe that if a particular child doesn't want to be their friend, Mummy can swoop in and fix it.

Firstly, you can't swoop in and fix it. And secondly, it's a better life lesson to teach your child that not everyone they meet is going to like them, and that's OK. Other people will.

This type of stuff used to bother me way back when my first child started school. Now I couldn't care less who's talking to me and who's not. I drop off and leave. I pick them up, which requires hanging around a bit. I think for some people that has the potential for awkwardness. If I see someone I know, I will chat but I'm also happy to stand on my own.
You describe them as bitches so there's a chance they would bring negativity into your life. I've learned that you can't expect to make friends through your kids. If you do, the friendship is often base level and fades as the kids move on. You may not have as much in common with these mums as they do with each other and that is fine.

What was your school friendship experience? Is this mirroring that? When your children start school it can bring back those memories and the school playground can feel like you’re at school. It might help to recognise that it’s not about those mums but old wounds

Watch Motherland and give your head a wobble.

Oh and stop protecting your desperation to sit with the cool kids onto your child.

The irony is I actually don’t think I’d get on with them; they’re quite a bit younger than me and just seem like real bitches!

Based on what? They’ve included you and your child at birthday parties in their homes when you aren’t particularly friendly with them. They are friends and help each other out with pick up favours etc what about any of that makes them bitches just because you aren’t friends with them?

God the level of abuse women receive from other women just going about their business is nuts.

These are your young child’s friendships, not yours! If you’re lonely, find a way to make some new friends, whether at the school gate or elsewhere, but don’t confuse your social life with hers, and stop monitoring the other parents’ behaviour! For one thing, if they’re now socialising with another parent, it’s hardly a ‘clique’.