I want to be alone the popular mum gang!

[Potty1829]

I think I’m being a bit of an idiot so hoping you ladies can give me a brutal reality check! 😂

My daughter is coming to the end of reception. She’s always been very sensitive and introverted but primary school seemed to really bring her out of her shell. Her teacher on numerous occasions said she was very popular and was seemingly friends with everyone which was music to my ears. As the year progressed, she became close with a group of three girls who already knew each other outside of school (their mums were already friends/they went to the same nursery/they had older siblings at the same school). The mums weren’t particularly approachable but I hoped, as our children grew closer, I’d be welcomed into the click with open arms! 😂 My daughter was invited to a couple of their birthday parties (small gatherings at their houses), it was all looking good!

Over the last couple of months, however, my daughter has gradually distanced herself from the group and is now best friends with someone else. From what I can gather, she was being excluded from playing with the group by one particular girl (the ring leader if you will). It’s made me sad to see her isolating herself; she went from being friends with everyone to now just playing with one girl who I must say, seems far less interested in the friendship. I was hoping to set up some play dates over the summer holidays but her mother doesn’t speak very good English.

Whilst this has all been happening, the group of three girls has become a group of four. I’m not sure whether the mum of the fourth member already knows the other mums but they seem to have become close very quickly; picking up each others children, going to after school activities together (and that’s just what I’ve overheard on school pick up). I feel like such a loser, I actively seek them out during drop off/pick up to see if they’re together, I feel like utter crap when I see them waiting for each other at the school gate and I’m always asking my daughter if she’s played with them/if they’re meeting up after school. The irony is I actually don’t think I’d get on with them; they’re quite a bit younger than me and just seem like real bitches!

I’m not sure why I care so much! Perhaps because they’re the equivalent of the popular kids at school and let’s face it, we all wanted to be part of that gang. Or maybe because I didn’t have any/many friends at school and therefore hoped my daughter would be different. I’m hoping you’ll all tell me how ridiculous I’m being and give me some advice on how to stop acting like a stalker! 😂

OP you sound very intense and it may be good to back off a bit, for the sake of your child and for your own sanity. You seem to have some insecurities and I would be very careful about dealing with them yourself and not passing them down to your daughter.

You sound similar to my mother, and her obsession with wanting me to be popular and liked was extremely unhelpful to me as a child, to say the least.

Your daughter being popular and getting on with everyone being “music to your ears” made me cringe a bit tbh

Hi OP, I can understand that feeling. When your child is in reception it feels like you’ve got so many years ahead of you. My son is finishing year four and it’s whizzed by.
He was for a while part of a group with three girls and throughout the years the dynamics have changed massively. Falling out, back together, and while the parents get on, and we try to keep any school dramas at school, it’s easy to get over invested. I encouraged my son to make other friends and he gradually has (it’s brilliant that it seems to come naturally to your DD, it didn’t always to my DS). The four of them still hang out from time to time but they’ve dispersed as they’ve got older, so this group may well do too.
there’s also been a big turnover in the class so there’s always scope to meet new people, and like PP say, out of school activities will eventually come too.

basically, this is my very long winded way of saying don’t overthink this all, or get bogged down by any playground politics (easier said than done!). The upcoming school holidays is also a great time to have a bit of physical and mental distance from it all.

I think it often feels sad if your child’s friendship loses or reduces, but that is also a natural part of development. My eldests absolute bestie in reception was an acquaintance a year or two later and has stayed that way- they developed their own personalities, my son didn’t love his games (nor did I - shooter/violent type) and he doesn’t love sport.

it is very easy to feel on the outer with parents, but believe you me having your children friends with bitchy parents makes your life so much harder. It can’t always be avoided but do not actively push for this unless you think their child is standout the nicest kindest child in the year level and nothing like their parent. They’ll be older and wanting sleepovers and you don’t trust their parent to supervise or stop them watching unsuitable tv shows, they’ll join a sporting team together and their parent will kick up a stink about the coach not treating their child as special enough, they’ll think they're being subtle when they compete for their child to be better than yours at something but will happily put any achievements in fields they don’t rate down… etc!!

I think there were some studies on this. Even if someone has done nothing to you, not being included can have an outsize psychological impact, it’s an evolutionary hangover where not being part of a group could be life threatening so it hurts more than it should. It’s not so much their group it’s because you don’t have a group of your own. Also people having friends doesn’t actually mean they are excluding you. It is disappointing they weren’t more enthusiastic about including your daughter, I would have whole heartedly embraced a new friend my DD made. I always say theres enough space on our friendship boat for everyone (except bullies). But you can’t do anything about that and if theres one kid who like pushing other kids out she’s dodged a bullet tbh.

So you need to make your own group, that means you will have to go out of your way to organise and set up playdates. This is for your daughter not you so pick kids she has shown interest in. Most parents in my experience are happy to go on a playdate they just cba to set one up. Try to expand that group so you have at least 5 or 6 kids. Meet up somewhere. I do the “hey just trying to get a few kids together to go to x place, would your child be interested”.

It can get mixed up in your feelings about yourself but you can rub along fine with most people, you are facilitating your DD’s life not your own so focus on doing that. Your mantra should be “for the child, for the child”.

You need to stop calling women who have known each other for years a clique and you really need to stop calling them bitches. They are friends and they don't owe anyone anything.

Their children (4-5 year olds may I add) were really nice to your DD and invited her to play with them and even to their small birthday parties. Somehow they didn't quite click and the very young children are now playing with other children, including your own child. You are now spying on them to see who they talk to, who they play with and trying to get information from your child about her interactions with them.

Your child has moved on, you need to too. None of them have done anything wrong, the children are just at an age where friendships are very transient and their mothers have known each other for years and, as you say yourself, you don't quite fit in with their friendship group.

Perhaps because they’re the equivalent of the popular kids at school and let’s face it, we all wanted to be part of that gang.

Nope. Can’t think of anything worse.

Does no one work? I just don’t understand this. There’s no hanging around the school gate at my children’s school. Everyone is dropping their children and going to work… or collecting the children and getting the hell out of there because they want to go home.

I agree ? Op is going to give her Dd a complex .

@Potty1829 you need to stop with this. .sone kids jel others move on .
I wouldn’t what my Dd in a group of peopel isolating and bitching and I wouldn’t want it for myself either .

I am trying to do this too! Unfortunately:

• We have a 20 min wait between junior and infant drop off
• A 15 min wait at pick up
• Often a longer wait at pick up because the teacher comes out late

I only do 5 school runs a week, but that's still a lot of hanging around! I appreciate other schools are more helpful with their timings.

Kindly, OP, I think you are letting your own worries about school filter into this situation. Which is not helpful for your DD. Not everyone wanted to be in the “popular gang” - I certainly didn’t as I found the one at my school to be vacuous. But importantly, that was in secondary school - I don’t think kids have any sense of that sort of thing in primary, certainly not as early as reception.

Let your DD find her natural friends without forcing things. Friends change so much over primary school anyway. It’s really important that she doesn’t absorb your worries about this sort of thing.

As for your worry about being excluded from the “cool mums” - you’re a grown up, what do you care? You have said you don’t even particularly like them. It’s bonkers to chase after friendships you don’t even want.

Let dd do her thing. It’s pure luck as to whether you make friends with the parents.
First child, it was general small talk at the school gate.
Second child, I made some lifelong friends.
Nothing I particularly did. Just complete luck if you gel.

As a parent of teens, I can say that the road from 0-18 is a very long one. Friendships chop and change all the time. None of my teens are still friends with anyone from primary school, and I suspect few secondary school friendships will last through university. You really have to take a big step back and stop trying to micromanage your dd’s social circle.

I can also say that one dc had a friendship group like this in primary. My dc was in/out/ on the periphery and I did have a natural instinct wanting dc to be in. They would all holiday together, have parties and bbqs, help each other and be in and out of each other’s houses. But it was way too intense for me and dc when they were “in”. And by the end of primary, one spouse had cheated with another, the whole group blew up, everyone divorced and/or moved away. None of the dc are in contact anymore and that’s actually quite sad for them. The parents really messed it up for the dc.

I think this happens a lot. People with unresolved issues from their own school days find themselves unconsciously replaying them (and trying to solve them second time round) via their children when they start school. I think it explains a lot of threads where the OP feels excluded, sad, talks of school gate cliques, etc.

Kindly OP, this is your stuff not your daughter's. Let her make her own choices and find her own friends. She'll be fine.

@Potty1829 they don’t sound like a very nice bunch, count your lucky stars that you aren’t in their silly little click.

Don’t waste anymore time and energy on them, just concentrate on your daughter xx

Sorry, I cannot imagine being this invested in my child's friendships during reception. My two are in year 1 & 2 and I've taken them to many parties, I am friendly to parents but sit on my own. I don't see why you care this much, your child will make friends and lose friends many times before leaving primary school. I have 1 friend IRL and I still do not try to befriend parents at school. I am autistic so I've never seen the need to fit in, but I also don't want to impact my kids relationships in anyway. Get a grip and make your own friend outside of the school.

Who cares about being popular? It's more important to be yourself and enjoy your own company than care about 'cliques'. This screams of insecurity being projected onto your 5 year old child and that will cause more issues for them growing up. My best friend's in secondary school were the 'losers' and I wouldn't redo it even if I had a choice. We were all losers but we were happy, authentically ourselves and had the best bloody times. Never had an interest in being friends with the popular girls because they had not a lot in common with me but I didn't think they were bitches for that.

Kindly OP, you really need to get a grip

This is RECEPTION and if you want to make friends with a group of women who are already friends then you just have to put yourself out there

To be honest, I don’t think kids really know who their friends are at that age properly, my DD floated around different friends for years. She’s in Y3, about to go into Y4 now and that’s when they really seem to know who their proper friends are, and have proper falling outs too!

Most parents at our kids school just want to go and pick their child up and leave, and sometimes I chat to other parents, sometimes I don’t! You really don’t need to overthink this, and certainly please don’t put this on your DD.

The irony is I actually don’t think I’d get on with them; they’re quite a bit younger than me and just seem like real bitches!

OP this is really nasty. Maybe they don’t want to be friends with you because they’ve picked up on you thinking they’re bitches.

You’re projecting your own upset about never being in the popular group onto your daughter. You need to stop it before you give her a complex too. You can’t control who she’s friends with. Make an effort with her new friend’s mum to set up play dates over the summer, the mum might feel a bit isolated if her English isn’t good.

Name one single thing they have done that makes them sound “not very nice”.

I actually think it’s great she has realised on her own so early to move on it took me years of being messed about by the popular girls before I realised that moving on was the best thing to do and I wished I’d learnt it much sooner.

My daughter is also in reception and whenever she says such and such doesn’t want to play with me my advice is always just go see if someone else wants to play.
She said this week her best friend doesn’t want her to play with any other of her friends, I was so proud when the next day she told me she had played with her other friends as she was fed up of being bossed about on it.

Also my Sons (year 4) friends are wildly different now to what they were in reception, it really does change so much in those first few years that I wouldn’t worry about it.

Why is it only school mums that are in cliques/ clicks? In every other walk of life you’re allowed a friendship group with people you actually like and not have to open your invites up to everyone? If you dare make more than one school mum friend you’re an evil cliquey bitch apparently. Only school mums though.

What @YesThatsATurdOnTheRug said. You’ve got years of shifting friend groups - try and behave as if it’s work and be professional.

don’t slate or lionise any kid, listen and make sure your dd is setting good boundaries and you’re not influencing her negatively.

If you googled this, went on insta etc there is lots of parenting advice out there on friendships, listening without steering etc.

I know it’s nice to have friends with kids in the same class, but you’re lucky if by the end of their school years you’ve got even 4-5 mums you consider what can be loosely termed friends.

And I’d pick a hobby for you and for dd (separately) to widen the friend pool for both of you. I found having a dog good for seeing a few friendly faces regularly.

Why does it matter that her mother doesn’t speak good English?
Went to a theme park with one of our son’s best friends at school, Japanese boy. His mum barely had a couple of dozen words. We managed perfectly well. Had a great day and laughed a lot.
Give it a go.

No idea. I suspect it some misogynistic bullshit to make women sound like bitches who like to exclude other women. Women having preferences of who their friends are goes against this 'Be Kind' nonsense that apparently only women have to abide by.