I want to be alone the popular mum gang!

[Potty1829]

I think I’m being a bit of an idiot so hoping you ladies can give me a brutal reality check! 😂

My daughter is coming to the end of reception. She’s always been very sensitive and introverted but primary school seemed to really bring her out of her shell. Her teacher on numerous occasions said she was very popular and was seemingly friends with everyone which was music to my ears. As the year progressed, she became close with a group of three girls who already knew each other outside of school (their mums were already friends/they went to the same nursery/they had older siblings at the same school). The mums weren’t particularly approachable but I hoped, as our children grew closer, I’d be welcomed into the click with open arms! 😂 My daughter was invited to a couple of their birthday parties (small gatherings at their houses), it was all looking good!

Over the last couple of months, however, my daughter has gradually distanced herself from the group and is now best friends with someone else. From what I can gather, she was being excluded from playing with the group by one particular girl (the ring leader if you will). It’s made me sad to see her isolating herself; she went from being friends with everyone to now just playing with one girl who I must say, seems far less interested in the friendship. I was hoping to set up some play dates over the summer holidays but her mother doesn’t speak very good English.

Whilst this has all been happening, the group of three girls has become a group of four. I’m not sure whether the mum of the fourth member already knows the other mums but they seem to have become close very quickly; picking up each others children, going to after school activities together (and that’s just what I’ve overheard on school pick up). I feel like such a loser, I actively seek them out during drop off/pick up to see if they’re together, I feel like utter crap when I see them waiting for each other at the school gate and I’m always asking my daughter if she’s played with them/if they’re meeting up after school. The irony is I actually don’t think I’d get on with them; they’re quite a bit younger than me and just seem like real bitches!

I’m not sure why I care so much! Perhaps because they’re the equivalent of the popular kids at school and let’s face it, we all wanted to be part of that gang. Or maybe because I didn’t have any/many friends at school and therefore hoped my daughter would be different. I’m hoping you’ll all tell me how ridiculous I’m being and give me some advice on how to stop acting like a stalker! 😂

Don't be such a bottom feeder. Cruel antagonistic reply. Popcorn off somewhere else.

OP - you're a human. This sets of all typical feelings of rejection and isolation. It's sometimes like school again. You're smart and aware enough to reflect with your post in the way you have.

The answer is always the same - you need to focus your attention elsewhere. Then you won't care so much. Then things just start happening and it falls into place.

I would look at meet ups that you arrange for one other child and yours. Out this group. Another classmate perhaps or friend out of school.

I used to take a friend along to little trips to bowling or have them over. I found other mums difficult but my child is ND. That made me isolated anyway but I didn't realise at the time.

You need to separate your daughter,her social needs from your own.

I know this is difficult. The more you cultivate opportunities for you outside of school life the better. Get your daughter more involved with others, social clubs, groups etc. Don't even look at the other mums. Have a plan to be there last minute so you don't even have time to see them. Put this part of your life and hers in the smallest of mental spaces and grow the rest through lots of other interactions and experiences outside the group and school.

Edit - nothing at all you say is weird. It is absolutely human. It's a reflection of your situation and the huge need for you to do something to build yourself away from being a mum and away from the group. It's just projection.

My friends and I often admit we would quiz our kids about friends etc because we would worry they were not popular or liked.

Anyone suggesting you're weird is possibly in a place or life where other things are not making them focus like you are.

With all due respect you are a little too invested in this. Friendships change all the time. My DDs best friends at this time seem to be kids whose mums are flakey AF or I never see at parties or class get togethers. The majority of my mum friends are actually women from different year groups and are mums I've met through the PTA. So I suggest if you are desperate for mum friends join the PTA, have a blast at helping out and see where those friendships go.

OP your daughter will have many different friends over her time at primary and secondary school. Just leave her to it. And yes, of course it’s easier if you happen to get on well with her friends’ mums, or the mums you get on with have kids your DD likes. But it doesn’t always work out that way.

I remember having a bit of FOMO when my eldest started primary school, and there was a definite clique of mums who were friends. They were all perfectly pleasant but I still felt outside of the clique, and I soon realised it was because we had very little in common. I made some much better friends.

Read the first post 🙄 they haven’t been very welcoming to the mum.

The OP just says ‘not particularly approachable”. That may mean, ‘simply talk to their own friends on the school run’, as was the case with these women who already know one another. They/their children invited the OP’s daughter to their parties when she was close to them, but those friendships have drifted, as is common with very young children in their first years at school. In which case, it’s presumably just as well the OP didn’t become instant best friends with their mothers, as she apparently hoped.

It’s pretty clear the OP is projecting all over, was thrilled that her daughter was briefly ‘popular’ and hanging out with these girls, and has now decided that both she and her child have been ‘excluded’ by the ‘clique’.

OP, genuinely, I get that you’re worried that your daughter now only has one friend, but you can’t get this involved in a five year old’s friendships to this extent. They will change a lot over the next few years, and you need to take it less personally.

@GluttonousHag Exactly! These friends were the best thing ever and OP was thrilled and as soon as the children drifted apart the same women are bitches. It's as if whoever your child played with when they were 5 they have to carry on playing with until adulthood or else you are a bitch. It's such an unhealthy view of quite possibly just very normal women.

I agree. You sum up everything in your few lines.

I believe OP is quite well attuned. Her daughter is highly attuned also. When people say ' sensitive ', this is what they mean. There is no such thing as too sensitive. You are highly attuned to others or you are not. You and your daughter are. This can be difficult at times.

It is a sign to keep away and look elsewhere anyway. @silentlyleavetheirlife is right I believe in this observation.

OP, your post is beautifully honest and reflective and I believe you would be a wonderful person to know irl. Go find the right people for you.

Your daughter will be absolutely fine. School is difficult if you are highly attuned and therefore different. She will find her way.

Your feelings make total sense to anyone who is honest with themselves. It's ok to feel what you do. Life feels easier if your child is popular. For your child! Then for you. Of course this is an ok feeling to have.

But see it for what it is. You aren't like these people. That's a good thing.

In defense of OP. I can appear and seem a total bitch I imagine. I have a real resting bitch face.

It doesn't mean it's a definite. OP feels that way because of a vibe she is picking up. It's not actually personal against this group and this is a private anonymous forum remember. OP is asking for support and advice.

We are not condemning the group of women - OP isn't from what I read. Rather, a few of us are simply supporting the fact that OP is right to sense something is off there in terms of compatibility and a vibe she is correctly sensing.

And dodging this is therefore good for her atm. It doesn't mean these are awful human beings. I imagine 1 on 1 some of them are ok and they'd possibly connect just fine in fact.

Thank you for all of your responses, even if some of them were perhaps a bit harsh but I suppose I had that coming!

I read my post back after getting some savage messages and I can totally see how it was giving off creepy stalker vibes, but I can assure you I’m not that interesting. Rest assured, I am in no way trying to force my daughter into friendships she has independently moved away from and all the conversations we have about friendship groups is just part of our daily chat about how school has been/who has she played with/what made her happy and sad that day. I think some of you have somehow spun this to make me sound like an absolute weirdo! 😂 My daughter’s welfare and happiness is the most important thing to me regardless of everything else!! I think some of you are absolutely right, I struggled to make friends at school and quite frankly, my time at both primary and secondary school were miserable. I probably have in some way tried to project my own insecurities but never in a destructive way that many of you have suggested.

As for the mums, it was probably unfair to call them bitches without any context. Yes, they did invite my daughter to birthday parties but whenever I’ve approached them and tried to strike up a conversation, they’ve given me one word answers and made it quite obvious that they didn’t want to talk to me. I generally try to say morning to the mums I recognise on the school run or at least an acknowledging smile but it’s never reciprocated/I’m often just blanked. I’d be inclined to say it’s specifically me but others have made similar comments.

I think what I’m hearing is let it go, stop interfering in my daughter’s friendship groups and basically just grow the f**k up!

Start your own clique op and make it better than theirs!

That’s how our book club started 3 of us had been told we could not join other book clubs as they were full so we started our own which is still going strong 12 years later and is lively regularly get asked to leave the pub as they want to close up!