Who is more realistic about life with a newborn?

[Heretobenosy]

Currently TTC, we’re two women, and my DW will be the one to carry. She’s 33 I’m 36. We’re excited and apprehensive after a life without children so far.

From what I’ve seen on mumsnet my expectation of having a baby is that it’s going to be a little bomb going off in our lives, we will be sleep deprived, emotional, stressed and just trying to survive. We will only have one child and there’s two of us, and my aim will be to be really supportive and I’m hoping DW will be able to pump so that I can do some of the night feeds as I manage a lot better without sleep than DW. But I’ll be working full time. I think we will be wanting to stay home/local as much as possible for a while as going away will disrupt any routine we try to have.

My DWs thinks I’m being dramatic, she’s hoping that we will maximise her maternity by going on as many holidays as we can while the baby is free and small enough to put in a sling and go off doing our own thing.

I keep laughing and saying she’s going to be in for a shock, but do have to consider that this may be me catastrophising and already thinking the baby is going to destroy life as we know it (but obviously completely over the moon about that if we’re lucky enough to get pregnant.)

So who is right? Will be be jesetting with our newborn or will holidays become too much of a chore?

You're both right depending on what type of baby you get

I have breastfed my son through the night his whole life so far - the thing that was most helpful was having him taken off me in the morning so I could have a lie in completely alone for an hour or so, and then being given breakfast in bed. My dh still does this every morning (ds is 1.5y).

In the early days I did most of the night nappies as I was awake anyway and it wasn't worth waking up the whole household. I had a changing station set up right next to me so I didn't have to get fully out of bed, and dh threw away the bagged nappies in the morning. Now ds is older he doesn't poo at night, whew.

Op, your dw might become a bit nocturnal initially and you can take over in the morning, it's the most sleep-efficient that way.

Depends on the baby. But nobody can describe to you how much of a change it is overnight, it really is all encompassing, but not necessarily in a bad way. Your whole life is turned upside down, but if you support each other it will also be the best times. You will feel love you didn’t know existed. You will also be knackered forever more - just do your best to make sure both of you get as much sleep as possible.

Sounds similar to my second!

Bottle refuser from birth, colicky, couldn't settle if there was ANYTHING going on. Couldn't put on weight but couldn't be topped up either. At times woke to feed every 6 minutes. Objectively not an easy baby. One of the best times of my life and still far easier than when she was a (still non sleeping, still not putting weight on) toddler.

Okay. You are clearly a calmer parent than me! Although you said in your post about walking with her in a sling and taking her out for dinner. I did take DC1 out in the sling but he was extremely angry about it from 48h old! I also could not have subjected a restaurant to hours of a screaming baby. Maybe we should have done

You really don’t think most first time parents would find a ‘failure to thrive’, highly unsettled baby difficult? Because I don’t think that’s standard, to be honest.

Congratulations, OP. I think you are sensible to be planning for 'a bomb'. DD1 was the bomb, DD2 not so much. We did some quite adventurous travel with DD1 on DP's insistence (he was very persuasive) and I loved the idea of the baby in the sling and us on the road -we'd done a lot of shoe-string backpacking in far-flung places before DD1 so I felt I absolutely knew what I'd be letting myself in for.

The reality was never sleeping in the same room, as DD wasn't a sleeper, so I would be on hand with her all night, BFing on demand and cosleeping in order to get any sleep at all, and DP would do the day shift, walking her in the sling or buggy so I could get some sleep. It was the same whichever type of travelling we did: staying abroad with friends, AI hotel, renting a chalet, youth hostelling in a family room and even rustic camping when DD was less than 2 months old. I generally felt like crying while getting ready for the trips, trying to round up all the things we'd need to pack (even minimalist travel amounts to quite a bit with a baby) and despite becoming quite an expert setter-upper of intrepid 'baby space' in new places, I'd usually long for our home comforts.

My body was a mess after DD1 was born despite having been super fit and very healthy prior to and during my pregnancy. I naïvely assumed I'd be one of those women who spring straight back into their teeny tiny jeans and bounce home an hour after delivery in a rosy cloud. Birth injuries are real, more frequent than most women talk about and can take much longer than one might reasonably expect to heal and recover from, wreaking havoc with all sorts of unexpected functions and aspects of life in the meantime: chronic constipation, UTIs, sore stitches and scarring, pelvic floor weakness as well as things like diastasis recti and symphysis pubis dysfunction, which can persist for as long as your DW continues to breastfeed. Please encourage your DW to expect to take things easy, and if she persists with wanting to make travel plans, get the most comprehensive travel insurance you can reasonably afford, allowing for all and any cancellations and reschedulings imaginable with zero conditions.

I was so not prepared for being a mother. I found it so difficult. I did have an unsupportive partner (who had to leave when she was 3 months) and moved into my own home one week before giving birth! I didn't have a clue what it would actually be like, the lack of sleep totally threw me, I reckon don't plan anything yet, see how it goes and whatever happens it'll be OK x

Depends on the baby. DD who’s now 2 has always been a dream (minus the terrible twos tantrums right now 😂) but she slept through the night from 7 weeks old. Last feed at 10pm and slept until 8am. She weaned easy, adapted to different routines perfectly (we’ve been abroad 3 times with her), occupied herself playing with toys on the floor for 15 mins whilst I got on with washing up or folding laundry etc. she is still a dream now when it comes to sleeping and routine, dinner 5:45, bath 6:15 and bed at 7:15 and she never wakes us up before 7:30 unless she’s unwell. We have really enjoyed parenting but a lot of this is down to her for being a laid back and chilled child who liked sleeping. As I mentioned, we’ve done 3 abroad holidays, she’s great when in a restaurant, happily sits there munching her food and playing with her crayons etc.

I’m due baby number 2 in September and quietly panicking about what I’ve done in case this one isn’t as easy and I’m so used to being able to sleep properly 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

Working for companies with good maternity and shared parental leave policies definitely helped!

I knew from colleagues that life would be less stressful if we had a "baby pot" of savings so we had first year of nursery fees, mat leave and holiday fund covered before DS1 was born (took several years!) We were fortunate to do so but did live cheaply for several years.

Both are right! In general, nothing can prepare you for how much changes when they land, or for how simultaneously testing and amazing it will be.
All babies are different, obviously, but mine is 6mo and we’ve taken him to 4 countries so far, and are doing 3 more this month. We first went abroad when he was 3 months old. Definitely making the most of maternity leave. Breastfeeding has made travel easier, I think, but that’s not possible or straightforward for all, and formula would have had huge advantages in terms of sharing the load!!
Routines are just not a thing for the first 3-4 months at least so wouldn’t worry about that.. We’ve landed really lucky with our holidays, for example having a tough week at home with him teething, and then him being a joy the next week when we were away. But our mindset is basically that if it’s going to be a tough week, we’d rather have nice scenery, and just get on with it.
If anything, I honestly find holidays easier, because there are 2 adults present 24/7.
We’ve had some wonderful times, but they’re undeniably very, very different to pre baby holidays, and that’s the adjustment. In one of ours, DS was completely happy in his carrier… as long as I didn’t stop walking 🤣 that holiday was many more steps, and far fewer aperol spritz than usual!!
I feel it’s about to get a little tougher as he’s now starting to crawl and eat solids, but we’ll roll with the changes and crack on with traveling - my recommendation is that you do the same, it’s great!! Good luck xx

Like some PPs I think you’re being unrealistic about pumping. I did it with DC1, introduced it v early, it was a PITA to do, it was useful to do it get time away from DC1 in the daytime or evening, but not for feeds at night, never worked then once, DC1 guzzled the milk but just wanted more/comfort.

Depending on the DC there can be a lot more to night parenting than feeding. Changing, settling etc. Working full time needn’t mean you do less night parenting, if you have a run of the mill job.

I strongly disliked travelling with small DC (liked travelling before DC), due to the sleep deprivation and postnatal anxiety.

It depends on the baby.
it depends on your wife‘s health after delivery.
it depends on your attitudes too.

Pumping on top of feeding is draining. I did all feeds and dh did the nappy changes and resettling after feeds.

It totally depends on your experience of pregnancy, birth and feeding. The newborn stage was awful for us as baby and I both ill. Constant crying and we didn’t get more than 2 hours sleep at a time. However once we got past that, baby very happy, sleeps well and will go anywhere! The time will fly by either way and it is all worth it when you get that gorgeous first smile!! For helping your wife with feeding I’d recommend she gets a hakkaa pump (not the lady bug one), it’s gentle suction and is used on the other side every time when feeding baby. You will generally collect up enough milk throughout the day for a night feed without having to do an extra pumping session.

You’re correct or at least in my experience. We stayed home for the first year because going on holiday with a baby would’ve been stressful. Day trips were fine.

With DS1 I took a flight form London to Australia when he was 7 weeks old. OH joined me a few weeks later and we flew back together.

I had quite few pram about mainly used baby carriers.

Rather than getting your wife to pump you could induce breastfeeding. It's a bit of work to start with and some mums don't manage it but if you are wanting to give her a break it might be worth exploring.

You simply cannot predict what it will be like.

I was mentally unwell to the extent that I was visited at home by a psychiatrist or at the mother and baby unit as an out patient most days for the first three months. A trip to a local cafe or to the supermarket was so beyond me that someone may as well have suggested scaling mount Everest. We still haven't been abroad and my daughter's nearly six.

My experience was (fortunately) a minority one, and I hope your wife fairs better, but really nothing could have predicted the utter trauma-inducing shit show of the newborn phase for me.

I had an easy baby and I went on a pre booked holiday with him when he was about 2 months old. Absolute nightmare and I was so glad to get home.

My first we went to a lot of restaurants with, tried with my second (the trickier one) and it didn't work well...

But yes, lots of walking in the sling. Colicky 6w on a beach in Spain at 11pm is infinitely better than walking round the block here.

The thing is, we both had tricky babies from the sound of it, but there are lots of babies that sleep for say, 3 hour blocks that half of women will say sleep well, and half will say sleep terribly.

Most women also say their second was soooo much more chilled. I can't imagine the difference is the child every time, more parental expectations and how stressed they find it makes them.

There's also how an age/stage gels with your personality. The screaming didn't get me down because I know it wasn't personal. Toddlers I found claustrophobic in comparison. Some people love that age.

Ps: my 'easier' 8 year old turned into a kid with ADHD and still isn't in bed now, despite efforts from me for the last 2 hours. Newborns don't follow you around and give you backchat. Sigh.

Look at how much Nd There is in the family and things like eczema. If I'd done that I could have worked out my dc would probably have allergies and never sleep. Now both diagnosed with ADHD. All the signs were there in the family tree.

The sweet spot for travelling with a baby is before they're mobile and weaning, but after they are out of the newborn stage.

So between 3-6months!

We did a lot of holidays with dc2, most of them overseas. Both our dcs were fairly easy babies and breastfed with no issues,. But we relaxed the routines with dc2 out of necessity as we didn't want to stop dc1 enjoying holidays that we'd got used to. I'm sure voth dcs would have been fine. We certainly didn't stay at home or just locally most of the time with either baby, DH had a long paternity leave and we had some lovely days out when I was on mat leave. I found it annoying that the midwives and HVs ssumed we'd be at home all day and thought they could pop by whenever.

But yes, lots of walking in the sling. Colicky 6w on a beach in Spain at 11pm is infinitely better than walking round the block here

To be fair, I can imagine that. My first was in lockdown so it was the local park or nothing! A sangria and 25 degrees probably would have made it more bearable.

Most women also say their second was soooo much more chilled. I can't imagine the difference is the child every time, more parental expectations and how stressed they find it makes them

In our case, eldest is AuDHD and youngest is so far seemingly neurotypical, which I do think played a part. But yes, I suppose if you are prepared for it to be sh*t it may come as less of a shock 😅

There's also how an age/stage gels with your personality. The screaming didn't get me down because I know it wasn't personal. Toddlers I found claustrophobic in comparison. Some people love that age

And yeah, to be fair, I would rather have a toddler than a newborn, easy or hard. So you are definitely right there.

Ps: my 'easier' 8 year old turned into a kid with ADHD and still isn't in bed now, despite efforts from me for the last 2 hours

I hear you and I see you comrade 🫡

I keep laughing and saying she’s going to be in for a shock

To be blunt if my husband had done this I’d have told him to fuck off and have a baby with someone else. NOT the support a mum to be needs, if you really must, why not say something supportive like “shall we hold off booking a trip until baby has been born so we can see where we’re at” or “let’s not put too much pressure on ourselves”. There’s not much worse than the constant negative Nellie’s when you’re trying to get excited about your new baby.

Our baby has been average, periods of ok sleep, periods of poor sleep and some reflux issues, we’ve still managed an enjoyable trip abroad (3 months) and a good few pub lunches.