Who is more realistic about life with a newborn?

[Heretobenosy]

Currently TTC, we’re two women, and my DW will be the one to carry. She’s 33 I’m 36. We’re excited and apprehensive after a life without children so far.

From what I’ve seen on mumsnet my expectation of having a baby is that it’s going to be a little bomb going off in our lives, we will be sleep deprived, emotional, stressed and just trying to survive. We will only have one child and there’s two of us, and my aim will be to be really supportive and I’m hoping DW will be able to pump so that I can do some of the night feeds as I manage a lot better without sleep than DW. But I’ll be working full time. I think we will be wanting to stay home/local as much as possible for a while as going away will disrupt any routine we try to have.

My DWs thinks I’m being dramatic, she’s hoping that we will maximise her maternity by going on as many holidays as we can while the baby is free and small enough to put in a sling and go off doing our own thing.

I keep laughing and saying she’s going to be in for a shock, but do have to consider that this may be me catastrophising and already thinking the baby is going to destroy life as we know it (but obviously completely over the moon about that if we’re lucky enough to get pregnant.)

So who is right? Will be be jesetting with our newborn or will holidays become too much of a chore?

No way yet to know who of you is right!

I definitely used my maternity leaves to travel, including to second and third-world countries. The kids were between 5 days and 4 months old during these travels, as my country has shorter maternity leave than the UK (and quicker passport turnaround!).

Equally, I did this because I really did consider maternity leave a wonderful holiday and I WANTED to go, not to win some kind of prize. It really is okay if that's not for most women.

DD was EBF & we co-slept so she loved her sling and we went anywhere we wanted from about a week in. Out to dinner, to the cinema, on trips away. Her routine was being close to us so as long as that stayed the same everything else was fine. She was happy as long as she was snuggled up to one of us and had all the milk she wanted. We never had sleepless nights as she just fed in bed, lying in my arms and went back to sleep. If this is your scenario then you will be in for an easy ride but it’s not the norm I guess these days. You might have a baby that hates slings, or doesn’t sleep well in any scenario. It’s very much dependent on the choices you make in terms of feeding and sleeping and on the baby you get. Nothing is guaranteed. It’s best to be adaptable because it could go either way or be somewhere inbetween.

You’re both right in a way. I was like you, read a lot of mumsnet, had a lot of people ‘just you wait‘ing at me, and was convinced it would be an absolute shit show to be honest.

And … it kind of was, sometimes. And then other times blissful. As others said it’s very much dependent on the baby. Ours was a dream as long as she was held (preferably by me) or in a moving pram or cot. Couldn’t put her down for about 8 months. Logistically challenging/ a bit draining, plus not a great sleeper but still probably a lot easier than many.

If you are going to try and travel then it’s easier the smaller and less mobile they are although to be fair under 18 months is generally fine. We had a lovely holiday to Devon when DD was 5 months and could do all the nice things like eating out, long walks, visiting places etc because she could just go in the sling / pram and would sleep anywhere anytime. Going away when they’re toddlers and need way more entertaining and a stricter schedule is much harder!

Not the main point of your post but I'd really rethink the pumping. Pumping so someone else can bottle feed is not "a break" and doesn't benefit the baby either. It's for the sole benefit of the adult holding the bottle.

I spent most of the first week or so thinking ‘WTF have we done’ but after that, I found having a baby quite easy. I had a lovely time on maternity leave; we only didn’t go on lots of holidays because of Covid which scuppered our plans a lot. I got a bit bored after a few months and ended up starting a Masters which gave me a nice balance between baby stuff and using my brain.

You are both right, and you are both wrong. Somehow.

Completely agree. I hated doing it, did it for DC1 so I could leave him for 8 hours or so at about 5 months for a hen do. Wasn't any other benefit and I didn't even bother trying with DC2.

Honestly, this all reminds me of that saying “when people make plans, the Gods laugh.”

Both my DC were EBF for fourteen months, but I couldn’t express a drop. All feeds fell to me. DD was a clingy baby who couldn’t be put down. DS was sunshine in comparison.

We holidayed in static caravans in UK holiday parks when they were very young. First trip abroad was when they were two and five.

Try not to stress or plan too much. Just play it all by ear once baby arrives. Wishing you all the best 😍

Before I had my first DC I had fully planned to take 3 holidays during my maternity leave and have lots of cute lunch dates with DH at his office which overlooks the river Thames... Despite having a wonderful DD who slept well, wasn't fussy etc, nothing could have prepared me for the anxiety that hit me during my postpartum recovery. I was so nervous about going out with DD. My learning about being a new mum is that your mental health will do what it needs to do. I had some birth trauma from which I had PTSD and developed some quite bad anxiety. I used to watch people from my baby club go on lots of holidays and wonder how on earth they were managing it. Because for me, it all just felt too tough.

I hope your DW doesn't experience any of that but I feel like life with a new baby just isn't something you can predict.

Like everyone else says: depends on the child! I had one who was tricky as a baby and toddler, and one who was easy, adaptable and predictable (and slept a LOT).

Not quite the point but I'm jealous if people who could afford multiple holidays with reduced pay and the looming costs of childcare etc. Not to mention time off work for the partner!

Its likely to be somewhere in the middle of those extremes. You will have good days and bad days. They will do one thing for a while then flip overnight. And it will be worth every minute.

Just play it by ear.

You're being realistic

Depends on the baby. One of my children was how you imagine it, my other child was how your partner images it. You can’t really plan.

Our first born was premature, weighed just over 5lbs, would need fed every 2 hours for the first 3 months. That part is probably more dependent on the baby but looking back we were frozen with fear to try certain things like go out for a greasy spoon breakfast or an impromptu coffee.

Any time we did go somewhere we would take the house with us, 30 nappies, 3 bottles etc it was just silly.

If I had a do over with my first I would have chilled the eff out a bit more.

Yeah, I agree. Pumping so that your partner can have a break from feeding a newborn overnight is just not realistic or helpful. She’ll hear the baby cry and it’ll trigger the letdown reflex and she’ll need to either feed the baby immediately or get up and pump! It could be nice a bit later on if she wants to leave the baby for a longer stretch and go out alone. Pumping can also help get breastfeeding going if you have a sleepy baby who’s not working quite hard enough to get enough calories. But pumping so your child’s other parent can feed them and give you a break is a waste of energy and made me feel super resentful as a breastfeeding mum when my husband tried it. It made my life harder and not easier. Now him getting up in the night to change our newborn’s nappy just before or after I feed him, that’s very much appreciated :)

Re the pumping, we did a mixture of pumped milk and later formula for the odd night feed when I was just so exhausted I was worried I would fall asleep holding the baby. Adding some formula into the mix is not the end of the world and much less stressful. Was a godsend in one sense too as baby got used to bottles even having one occasionally whereas some others I knew flat out refused them having only been offered them much later on.

Yeah, I hated pumping, it felt like double the work as I spent enough time feeding with the baby there, plus it was hard work and a lot less efficient. I know others were ok with it though.
My DH was brilliant through the night though as I’d do the feeding bit then he’d take over and do the one-hour-settling-back-to-sleep bit! You can still be of loads of help in the night even if not feeding.

I found newborns were quite an easy stage, they sleep they feed they sleep they feed. I breastfed, so didn’t have the added bother of making up feeds, had a couple of naps during the day to compensate waking up in the night so that I wasn’t deprived of my sleep. Had baby in cot next to me or co slept when my husband was away.

I also had three young stepchildren in my full care and being in a routine and keeping in top of everything was key to it being stress free.

It’s when they start moving around that it gets harder! That’s when huge playpens come into their own.

I also had dogs and horses so had to be outside and fresh air in a pram is terrific for infants.

Another vote for depends on the baby! I had one who loved the carrier, one who hated the buggy and the carrier but liked a cuddle, and one who only wanted to be off on their own exploring.

Pumping can be great or a total nightmare as it obviously disrupts supply, making you over produce sometimes and then underproduce. Feeding over night can also be essential for keeping supply going.

Also massively depends on birth recovery as well, but there’s enough on mumsnet about that to write several books!

Depends on the baby. I was a single mum from day 1 with DS and took him backpacking with me from 3 months to 6 months through 8 countries solo. Was easy as pie. I can’t take DD now because my DH has two previous kids but she’d be equally easy to take.

Definitely agree, depends on the baby (and the parents). I had an easy time, breastfeeding was easy, the baby slept pretty well, we did a bit of travelling, I loved it. Obviously it had it's moments, but I never found it anywhere near as bad as I had expected based on hearsay!

But my other friend had postpartum psychosis which affected her horribly for several years. Another had postpartum depression and a baby with awful reflux who barely slept for a year and cried all the time.

Either is possible and a lot of it is really luck.

Depends on the mix of baby and parents. Often with the first you’re a nervous wreck and by the time you settle into things it’s past you. Most people say subsequent kids are much easier in that regard- you’ve done it all and you settle into things quicker and have a better frame of mind and perspective on everything. With the first, you don’t know what you don’t know every stage of the way.

Things will be different, that just needn't stop you enjoying the world. You can do loads of great stuff with a baby, as long as you accept that your expectations for what you achieve need to change too. Lean into the fact that your time will be split into 2-hour cycles of sleep-eat-play-repeat, non-negotiably. You might not manage to sit through Wagner's Ring Cycle or hike the Himalayas, but you might spend a lovely afternoon in a little piazza, watching the pigeons and giving baby their first taste of gelato. This is enough - you have nothing to prove.

Basically, I'd say - even if you get a tricky baby, just go for it. You'll both be off, if you accept that baby will set the pace and your only ambition is just to soak up being mums, you'll probably have a great time.

DD1 was a total high-needs nightmare baby, but we had the means to travel so we did, and I remember those early days of parenthood with such joy even though they were tough sometimes. DD2 is far more the "wouldn't know she's here" type, chill and cheerful, and she'd be an amazingly portable baby if we were in a position to travel. But we aren't. So seize the damn day.

Regardless of the type of baby you have, I’ve found that the couples who underestimate the change are the ones who struggle most. So I’d recommend preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. We prepared for the worst and found it met our expectations 😂but we’re clearly gluttons for punishment because we have 3! Routine and good sleep hygiene are hugely important for good health and happiness during the early years. We did go on holiday at least twice a year - but tried to stay on routine abroad. Our youngest is 15 months and has been to Greece, Spain, and about to do Cornwall for the 3rd time = so nearly 6 weeks worth of holidaying so far with 3 kids! This one has for the most part been sleeping through since 6 months (unlike previous 2)!