Who is more realistic about life with a newborn?

[Heretobenosy]

Currently TTC, we’re two women, and my DW will be the one to carry. She’s 33 I’m 36. We’re excited and apprehensive after a life without children so far.

From what I’ve seen on mumsnet my expectation of having a baby is that it’s going to be a little bomb going off in our lives, we will be sleep deprived, emotional, stressed and just trying to survive. We will only have one child and there’s two of us, and my aim will be to be really supportive and I’m hoping DW will be able to pump so that I can do some of the night feeds as I manage a lot better without sleep than DW. But I’ll be working full time. I think we will be wanting to stay home/local as much as possible for a while as going away will disrupt any routine we try to have.

My DWs thinks I’m being dramatic, she’s hoping that we will maximise her maternity by going on as many holidays as we can while the baby is free and small enough to put in a sling and go off doing our own thing.

I keep laughing and saying she’s going to be in for a shock, but do have to consider that this may be me catastrophising and already thinking the baby is going to destroy life as we know it (but obviously completely over the moon about that if we’re lucky enough to get pregnant.)

So who is right? Will be be jesetting with our newborn or will holidays become too much of a chore?

Your wife is more reflective of my experience. I don't even think it's down to whether they are a good sleeper - I had a pretty poor sleeper, but I'd rather be exhausted abroad than at home. I think one of the biggest factors is the baby's health - any issues/investigations will make it hard to travel - and of course if they are happy in a carrier.

If travelling is something you hope to do with your child, it just gets harder as they start eating food/become mobile/nap less. I'd really recommend holidays in maternity leave - getting in the habit of travelling with your child makes it easier.

A friend of mine who is a doula always tells her expectant mums that the first few months are chaos, sometimes for 24 hours a day.

That was certainly my experience.

It's really dependent on the boobs tbh and no woman knows which category her boobs are going to in advance.
Some friends had chunky bf babies but their boobs wouldn't give it up more then a few drops for a pump.
Women also think they should be getting the size of the bottle in a pump session also completely untrue a normal pump session (if boobs respond) is about 20-30ml.

A hakaa can be a easy milk collection method especially in the morning baby feeds from one side hakaa on the other.

It's more the exclusive pumping which is extremely hard work.
If bf but fitting in a pump session it's a bit easier but need a bf or pump between midnight and 3am for milk production (highest level of prolactin which stimulates milk production).

I’d say you’re both right. DD1 absolutely felt like a bomb being dropped. I had a long labour and emergency c section, she had a tongue tie, fed constantly, and would only sleep on me. I was completely exhausted for months. However, we still managed to get out and about when DH wasn’t at work. She was pretty chilled in her pram or being held so we still ate out regularly, and taking her on holiday would definitely have been possible had we wanted to.

I agree with PP that pumping is a massive pain in the arse. I used to do it so I could meet friends for a few hours but it wouldn’t have been worth it for DH giving bottles overnight. What was useful was me doing all night feeds, but waking DH if I was struggling to settle her. He’d sit up with her for a couple of hours to let me get some sleep, and as she got a bit older he was able to settle her back to sleep quite well. A silicone pump like a haakaa was less faffy if she does want to give it a try.

DC1 screamed pretty much none stop for the first 4 months of his life and slept in 30 minute chunks for the first 6 months. Diagnosed with allergies as a baby. As soon as he was on the move he screamed his head off if I dared try to put him in the carrier or the pram. He needed a dark room with white noise to breastfeed or nap from being tiny or he’d just not eat or sleep and needless to say he has subsequently been diagnosed as neurodiverse.

DC2 slept and fed anywhere. Didn’t really cry much and just came along for the journey. Very very easy and content.

Needless to say maternity leave was entirely different with each child. If DC2 had come along first DH and I would have absolutely been super chilled and done lots of travelling. Instead we were stressed out, sleep deprived zombies.

Whatever the baby you get…truth be told I found it the most magical, life changing, incredible experience of my whole life!
However I was sooooo knackered, travel was the last thing on my mind!
And I speak as someone who LOVES to travel!

I think it (mostly) depends on both of you as parents rather than a baby. Some babies are definitely trickier, but often one person's easy baby is another's tricky one and vice versa.

Some people find they just ease into motherhood and it matters barely a splash. Others go under for a bit before coming back up. It's sometimes hard to predict which you'll be, especially with things like potential PND.

I was lucky, not because I had a unicorn baby, but because She just slotted in. I found adjusting to having a cat far harder than a baby! My second was definitely what most people would think it's tricky, but to me she was fine. Yes, she was very unsettled in the evenings, but better to be walking along the beach at night to soothe her, than home.

I didn't find parenting difficult until they became toddlers. The first few months were just a bubble of wonderful. Yes I was tired, that that didn't change, except for getting worse, for several years (working on 4 hours broken sleep was hell). Postpartum and newborns for me was bliss. We went out to dinner a lot, we've been on holiday, a few mini breaks etc. A lot of that stopped when they got older and trickier.

I found newborns personally a very gentle introduction to parenting. I know others found it hard though.

Depends on the baby. My girl recently turned 1. She's very a very easy baby, a delight really, and continues to be very placid.

I had a lovely maternity leave. Lots of meeting people in cafes, nice walks, and going on holiday was great fun and she was as good as gold on the plane.

People made everything sound terrible when I was pregnant, and online is negatively skewed, but I've genuinely loved every stage. The sleep is a shock to the system but survivable. And my lovely baby is the absolute love of my life. All her firsts are magical. The baby part has been one of the loveliest years of my life. I think toddlerhood and having to raise a decent adult will be far harder!

I'm freelance so my partner took almost all the shared parental leave and I continued working on a couple of projects and had previous stuff that kept paying out. We mainly visited friends and did a lot of house sitting within the UK! So not expensive, but a lovely change of pace.

I’m team wife! I also saw maternity leave as an excuse for holidays (cheap ones mind you). Yes life changes and yes you will be tired and it will take a while to settle into your new life, but it absolutely doesn’t need to change your life completely and it certainly doesn’t ruin it the way you seem to think it will. In my opinion the early baby days are the best days for going out and about, you don’t have to worry about entertaining them as they’re entertained by the world around them, and you don’t have to worry about them trying to escape as they can’t go fine. My first was a koala baby who wanted to be held at all times but we’d just take it in turns to eat and made good use of the sling.

Aside from who is right and wrong (because really there is no correct answer) it sounds like you need to be more supportive of your wife. There is no point going into it with a negative mindset and causing additional worry for her at what is already an unsettling time.

I thought it was going to be a bomb going off and I wouldn’t leave the house for the 1st 4 months but I was pleasantly surprised ! I have a very relaxed baby as everyone likes to tell me continuously. My partner had a very long parental leave which made everything so much easier, I believe if everyone’d 2nd parental figure was given 8 weeks full leave, it would help PPA and PPD enormously. When my partner was off it felt like one long lovely baby moon! Good luck it’ll be fun either way.

I think it (mostly) depends on both of you as parents rather than a baby. Some babies are definitely trickier, but often one person's easy baby is another's tricky one and vice versa

@Babyboomtastic can you please tell me who would find a baby that screams none stop, fails to gain weight, doesn’t sleep (and I mean could be awake for 8 plus hours at 4 weeks old unless bounced vigorously on a yoga ball in a pitch black room) and would scream until they were sick in every form of transport until they were well over 1 easy? Because that was our reality with DC1.

It depends on the baby. I would say it is best to prepare for the worst then any better than that will be a pleasant surprise.

As others have said it really depends on the baby’s temperament. I did manage to take a very long solo holiday with DC whilst he was an infant. I can’t say it was the most relaxing experience, but still probably easier than managing toddlers on holiday.

Really depends on the baby. I can honestly say I was never really sleep deprived had a chilled baby who slept through the night from early on. I moved house 200miles when baby was a month and managed decorating, renovations plus regular long weekends to see friends and family. Whereas I have a colleague who has a 4 month old and has hardly been out no one can say for sure

In my experience, I would say that you are correct.
First baby left me absolutely gobsmacked. I couldn’t believe how different my life was, and it felt like it was ‘over’ for quite a long time.

It is stressful. The lack of sleep nearly kills you and makes you argue. We came very close to splitting up several times.

There is no way on this planet that we would have been able to travel and have a load of holidays, although looking back at pics, we did take her on holiday at 8 months and then a year ish so I’m sort of lying. But it was pretty stressful getting to the airport, on the plane, transfer to hotel etc and she was a fantastic baby - never cried, slept pretty well etc.

That’s just my experience though. I’m sure there are others who coped far better than me!!

Depends on the baby of course.

But also depends on what kind of people you are as parents, if you're happy to go with the flow and miss sleep or if you need your sleep and routine and can't cope with things being unpredictable.

It so much depends on the baby
I had a very high needs baby who cried for 16-20h a day, at one point was in my arms 23h a day. I had severe pnd and it was truly and awful first year and it took 2 years to get us both me and my daughter in a good place healthwise.

The absolutely biggest shock for me was not this though. It was that my daughter only accepted me and solely me for the first 10 months. I had a very hands on partner who was very keen to do as much as he could to support me as my medical history means I'm very high risk of post partum mental illness. On the worst weeks my daughter cried if she was out of my arms for more than a few minutes and not even dad was good enough. She had intermittent bottle aversions caused by the reflux and allergies so feeding was all down to me. In the worst weeks the only time I had any real time without her in my arms was when I went for my weekly bath and sometimes they were interrupted as she became hysterical.

With time he was able to start to take her in the mornings at the weekend and that was brilliant for me getting some decent sleep. She's 4 now and consistently sleeping through the night is relatively recent. I've done 99% of the night wake ups as even when she started to accept my partner during the day time she only wants me overnight. At first he had to bring her back up if she needed a breastfeed but at 10 months we managed to get her back on bottles and formula so he's been able to take her from 7-10 am and that has been way more helpful for me than him doing night feeds. I can cope better with night wake ups than I can early mornings. My partner is the opposite.

The one bit of advice I would give is not to make assumptions about what baby you will have and what your partner will find helpful. Open communication is key, don't start with solutions start with listening as sometimes you don't need a solution you just need to be able to say that today was a hard day. Work to one anothers strengths, there's rarely a need for you both to be awake so find times that suit both of you sleep patterns so you both get rest.

Totally depends on the baby, and depends on mum/both parents.

My daughter was a rubbish sleeper and not the easiest baby, but I was lucky in that I didn’t suffer with PPD/PPA & managed okay on quite little sleep, so my view was really that I could be tired at home with a baby or I could be tired somewhere new with a baby & make the most of having some time off and looking at different walls/sights for a bit. I did quite a bit of travelling on my maternity leave, they weren’t anything like pre-baby trips but I just found the change of scenery lovely and I was up for that.

On the flip side though I know of two of my friends who had planned to do the same but then suffered with PPD or PPA and couldn’t at all face leaving the house for months with their baby nevermind getting on a plane. They never saw that coming and nor could they have, it’s just a case of seeing how you feel.

Your notion of “normal life” will change but that doesn’t stop you travelling or going on holiday. Between holiday, travelling to see family, in-laws etc I flew a tone on mat leave both with and without my husband. It’s fine for most people.

Doing things relatively close to your pre baby life is 10000% easier with an infant vs a toddler or 4 year old.
Do all the travelling, festivals, pubs and fancy dinners you can imo.

Two mums here and I had similar expectations to you on the night feeding, but it didn’t work out in reality. Instead what was most helpful was staying awake during night feeds to watch over DW as she breast fed. That way DW could doze a little and I could make sure baby stayed safe.

I actually think most people think this. There’s a weird rhetoric around 0-1 being the biggest jump but it’s just not my reality or most people I know. With one I would stick them in a sling, walk for drinks to the pub at 10pm, walk around central London mooching in galleries, meeting DH for dinner after, seeing friends all day whacking DD on the boob and pacing even if she was unsettled but ultimately being quite “free” then you go from 1-2 and not only is there the baby needs to content with but there’s also a toddler who gets cranky and whingey when they need bed as much as you want to go out and be care free. Suddenly you can’t just bring the baby out in the evening because the toddler is in bed, and you can’t go out all day to a more adult themed event because you don’t just have a milk baby you have a whiney toddler who wants to walk when they can’t, doesn’t want to sit in the pram when they need to, needs to be taken for a wee a 100 times and needs access to food and entertainment at all times, all while walking about in public with a baby on your boob.

In my experience - it’s a bit of both. DD was an incredibly high needs baby, and the first few weeks/months it really was just about survival and trying to support each other as much as we could (this is the point at which any cracks in your relationship will show up big time!) But by the time she was about three months, I remember it being quite fun. It was spring by then, and warm, and whilst she was still a dreadful sleeper, she liked being out and about in her pushchair, and was more likely to nap in it, so I would take her out and explore all over London. At 5 months we got the Eurostar to Bruges and spent a few days exploring there. At 9 months we went to Greece and she discovered ice cream and paddling in the sea.

She was a fun little companion - how often do you get to introduce anyone to brand-new experiences? Even with the lack of sleep (she didn’t sleep through the night till 3 and a half!), I cherished those times.

Her little brother was one of those bomb-proof babies who was just eternally content, and I could literally pop him in a sling and take him anywhere - but he’d probably sleep through it. So a lot easier, but honestly, probably less fun too!

Good luck on your parenting journey.

We have an easy baby, but neither of us have enough head space to think about planning holidays. We don't have a car though, so logistics are more complicated than throw everything in the boot and come home if it's a disaster. I wouldn't go anywhere hot. The baby is a nightmare tonight because he's constipated because he's sweating more on the heat. I can hear my neighbour's baby doing the high pitch cramp scream too as I write this.

Don't get your hopes up about pumping. That's the single most stressful thing in our life at the moment. It's hard to find a good window, it can be painful and it fucks my supply causing issues for days. I'm still not really able to carry baby in a sling for more than a couple of kilometres before I get sore. He gets too hot and I think goes stiff so doesn't like it much either.

But otherwise, our life hasn't changed that much. We go for brunch and have been to some very nice restaurants. Nice restaurants often don't have baby change though! We go to the pub and drink 0%. I go to my sports club and stay for a beer after and we go for walks in the woods. Baby sleeps pretty well and is generally chilled so we can take him out. Our communication is good so there are very few cross words.

My life has been as your wife expects. At 4 months old we have already been on 2 holidays. I have spent more time with friends and family than I have since I was about 17! But my baby is chilled, sleeps anywhere, wakes up smiling and sleeps in his cot when I put him down.

However! After his vaccines for 48hr, he was a nightmare, constant crying when touched yet wanted to contact nap. My husband literally glanced in his direction and he cried. And I hear this is BAU for some Mums! In which case I seriously doubt we would have been as free
as we are!

I also find it totally patronising when other parents say …… oh you just wait and see and all this other BS/unsolicited advice. Best approach is not to share your plans, beaver away in the background and tell them you will take each day as it comes !

I have heard that genetics influence whether you have a chilled baby, so if you are a laid back person it’s more likely your baby will be too!