I saw someone pointing fingers at my DD

[TheMaryClaire]

Hi Mums! I just want to get this off my chest and maybe get some advice from you all.

My daughter and I went to this restaurant (i don't want to mention the name) over the weekend and had some dinner there. Of course, as a child, my DD has a really short attention span, so after watching some videos, she started wandering around the restaurant hall and waving at all the people coming in.

Some people appreciate it and smile at her, so I just let her move around. Suddenly, a lady (around 50 yo) started stopping her and pointing a finger at her, saying that she should not be running around the restaurant.

While I know that she's right, I feel that it's not appropriate to point your fingers at someone else's child. I just apologise to her and walk away with my daughter in tow but I feel extremely uncomfortable in my heart.

What do you think?

you are out of order here , people go to restaurants to chill out and have a nice meal , not to have a child wandering around waving at them . If you can't supervise your child don't take them to restaurants

It’s not safe to allow your daughter to wander around. She will get in the way of staff and can potentially cause inury to herself and them. If she won’t sit still you need to rethink dinner plans. My daughter is 5 and we have eaten out as a family regularly since she was small and she would never get up and wander around.

How old is she? My 19 month old and 3 year old are perfectly capable of sitting in a restaurant whilst we have dinner. No screens needed either, we take some small toys, colouring and engage with them

Wandering around a restaurant is not appropriate. Take things to keep your child entertained eg toys, sticker book. Or choose a restaurant aimed at families we have 1 or 2 near us with soft plays that I used when my son was a toddler

I have a bag in the cupboard with special colouring and sticker books that only comes out if we go to a restaurant.

DC are 8 and 5 and look forward to it.

I‘ve worked in restaurants and know how dangerous it is to have kids walking around when you’re serving.

She can't stay longer than 10 minutes. She would get down from her seat, or else she would start playing with her food. I usually limit her screen time, so no ipad during meal time.

Someone pointing would have been the least of your worries if a tray of hot food had been spilled over your child.

If she can't stay still for 10 minutes, a restaurant is probably not the place to take her.

“While I know that she's right, I feel that it's not appropriate to point your fingers at someone else's child.”

Seriously? If the woman’s fingers had lasers on the ends I might have some sympathy, but I am struggling to see what the issue is. She didn’t talk to your child or manhandle her, she simply pointed.

WTAF?

Definitely agree with all you've said, particularly the bit about how effective taking them outside if they kick off is. We learned that from a German parent when our DS was about 18 months old. We went to a KinderHotel (geared up for kids), our first holiday abroad with our DS.

They used to have a buffet in the evening with stuff the kids would like so the kids could eat immediately (parents had a menu to choose from so they could be a bit 'pampered'). Very few 'getting hungry' issues that way.

But one night this little boy (about three years old or so) at the next table was getting loud whilst mum and dad were waiting for their dessert, despite having an ice cream, colouring books etc and the dad reading a book to him.

Mum and dad asked him to quieten down very gently (DH can speak German). Nope, wasn't going to happen.

So mum picked him up, set him under her arm like a giant log and without a word walked him outside. We could see her through the window. She set him down, got down to his level, put her arm around his shoulder, looked him in the eye and had a quick chat. No raised voices. Then she gave him a cuddle, took his hand and walked him back in. He said sorry to his dad, who also gave him a cuddle, mum went to get him another ice cream and dad finished his story book with the boy sitting on his lap. I remember being in awe of how well they worked as a team and we used it a few times on DS. Having no audience to play to often works a dream.

In fairness to the OP, she has taken the criticism well and understands she needs to do better in future.

A little bag of crayons, a colouring book and maybe some small toys OP?

YES IT'S DANGEROUS !

@Jaichangecentfoisdenom

I don't understand your reaction? What are you WTAFing about?

What do I think?

Don't let your 3 year old loose around a restaurant, people are paying good money for a nice meal out without having to entertain / be annoyed by other people's kids.

If your 3 year old can't manage to behave long enough without needing to watch videos and run around, either choose somewhere appropriate or don't go.

I think it’s ok what she did and you are over sensitive. I don’t think your child should’ve been wandering round the restaurant, or watching videos tbh. The activity is the restaurant.. I think showing videos etc etc as a way to minimise behaviour / as a distraction means your child doesn’t learn to be bored and tolerate that feeling…

You've got a lot of work to do. What do you do to encourage her to remain at the table? She can stay longer than 10 minutes but she's choosing not to. 10 minutes is really not long at all. Why is she playing with her food? Do you take the plate away when she starts playing with her food? Do you all eat together? It sounds as though you need to define your expectations then find ways of helping your DD meet them.

Edited for typo

Reading your update op I think you are too dependant on screens. There’s no benefit to your child watching screens; actually the opposite and they’re not learning skills they need to stay at the table or socialise properly

Hi @TheMaryClaire All parents know how difficult it can be for toddlers to sit still 🙂

I think the woman shouldn’t have pointed at your DD. It would’ve been better to have spoken to her gently, or ideally spoken to you directly.

Children aren’t born knowing what’s socially acceptable. So, we have to teach them why it’s important to be considerate to other people. They can understand that at any age, if explained age-appropriately.

When my DC were that age, I’d say something like: “People are wanting to sit in peace to enjoy their food and chat to their friends, so we shouldn’t wander around and bother them. And the staff are bringing hot drinks and heavy trays back and forth, so we mustn’t get in their way or there may be an accident and someone might get hurt”. Better to use ‘we’ rather than ‘you’.

Then, as PPs have said, model how to behave. They learn by copying you. Chat to, and entertain, each other, with calm games (e.g. I Spy, Alphabet Game), books or activities (drawing, colouring). It’s socially acceptable (even for adults) to chat, read or draw in a cafe or restaurant. And don’t sit looking at your phone, if that’s not the sort of behaviour you want to model to her. Otherwise, she’ll copy and want to be on a device. Sit her on your lap if she’d benefit from the closeness and to help her to stay sitting down.

Busy restaurants and food halls can be very loud, stuffy places and children are more likely to experience sensory overload. So, If you’re with other people and feel your child may need some fresh air, a calmer environment and/or a need to stretch their legs/let off steam for a few minutes, take them outside or to an area where they can walk around, still interacting with them, e.g. going to look at a tree or in a shop window. Then come back to your table.

Maybe work on that at home for a bit longer then, before trying a restaurant again.

She's on an ipad at THREE?

And you've noticed that she can't sit at a table for more than 10 minutes?

Do you, perhaps... think.......

My 16yo DS, who is autistic, does in fact need to read and/or watch some YouTube videos in a restaurant ( always world news especially the Russia-Ukraine war, he is pretty obsessed by both the politics and the military hardware). He will sit happily and eat everything quietly. For me, I love reading in a restaurant and always have, I get little opportunity to read in my daily life. We are both very content when we go out for lunch, which we do weekly, sitting there companionably each with our phones, he of couse has his headphones in. Anyone judging us for that I really don't care about. We are happy and we love our lunches out. I would absolutely not go if he was going to bother or disturb anyone, staff or other diners, or get in anyone's way.

Do you not realise it’s dangerous?

Then don't take her to a restaurant

Sorry, I’m aghast at the thought of children being called “dangerous” in a restaurant context. But I brought up my child in a different culture, where it is normal for children to go out to eat with their parents in “naice” restaurants and for the children to be treated as human beings by those around them. To be fair, most children were well-behaved and didn’t run riot, but those who did get down from table and have a little run around were not treated as pariahs by anyone (Mediterranean countries).