Inlaws dont want to follow nap schedule

[Madea667]

My 16 month old is a sleep trained baby, we do our bedtime routine and put her into her cot where shes usually alseep with no fuss in 5 minutes. Same goes for naps too.

Now my inlaws are aware I sleep trained her and dont agree with it (I used ferber)they insinuate I'm heartless for letting her cry and 'they will not allow crying in their household' they are my only source of childcare or catching a break. When LO goes to their house she constantly skips naps because MIL doesnt want to place her in the crib to sleep, she likes to rock LO to sleep but LO will wake up as soon as shes transfered to crib so now she ultimately just skips naps. (Shes on 2 naps a day still, no signs of needing to transition to 1 just yet)

If LO spends the night, I have to go and do the bedtime routine at my MIL house which LO is normally exhausted because MIL doesnt want LO to cry??

Like at this point I'm actually stuck on what to do because I've:

Spoken to MIL numerous times about this, even just sticking to regular nap times and she always says 'oh she wasnt tired' when my daughter was infact very tired

Tried to compromise by just letting them do it their way but when LO comes back from any visit shes an overtired mess who takes days to get back to normal.

At this point I dont know if I should just lessen childcare or what? LO currently visits once every 2 weeks or once a week.

Has anyone experienced this?? If so what did you do??

That would piss me off so much. I wouldn't use her as childcare. Just use a nursery a few days a week.

Ultimately, you want a night off, you suck it up. She isn’t going to change.

Which is more important to you?

1. Bedtime routines
2. Free childcare

You have to pick one—MIL will not offer both.

Well I don’t agree with Ferber either so I wouldn’t
be leaving your baby to cry if I was babysitting. You choose what you want, childcare or everything done your way. Poor baby being left to cry. Sickening.

Find paid care that will respect your instructions.

I wouldn’t leave a baby to cry either. Ferber is outdated and damaging.

This would piss me RIGHT off. My DD is 2 now, and not ONCE has my monster in law babysat anyway cos she clearly has no interest, but this would be a game changer for me! Sorry OP, no advice, just sorry she's going against your routine!

No, I wouldn't want to listen to a small child cry themselves to sleep either.

“they are my only source of childcare or catching a break”. You can’t have it both ways sadly. If they insist on doing it their way, you need to work around it or find an alternative. Annoying, but you can’t control what they do if they’re not willing to listen.

They aren't the child care your dc needs... Breaking her routine isn't making her life great. Or yours... But mostly hers... Find a reputable babysitter.. One who is more than happy to follow your instructions..

Find a baby sitter. It'll be worth it to stop her undoing all your effort.

Ferber is not the best. I can see why your MIL doesn’t want to join in with it. If you expect her to do chunks of free childcare, you should probably have worked this out before sleep training. Or you can pay for the childcare who will do as they are told.

I just wouldn’t let them babysit if I could avoid it. We have barely any childcare/breaks and I still don’t really like to send them to mil as she doesn’t bother sticking to set routine and kids r a nightmare the day after.

I understand why you’re annoyed. We sleep trained (albeit not Ferber), it took 2-3 days and now DS happily falls asleep independently without crying. He now much prefers sleeping in his cot to contact napping etc. I assume your baby is similar and you aren’t actually asking your MIL to let the baby cry now?

That said, the lack of control is the price you pay for free childcare. I think you either have to accept the situation or find another form of childcare.

See if they will compromise with a nap in the buggy - even if it's slightly shorter, it would be better than no nap at all! They could use a rockit or similar if they don't want to go out for a walk.

@Capybara6473 Yes thats exactly it! She doesnt cry when put in crib but my MIL is kind of just pre empting it. Like she thinks 3 days of sleep training means she always cries.

Thanks for all your replies everyone, its just reaffirmed what I was alreading thinking realistically.

To those who want to shame me for sleep training in the first place kindly fuck off this thread. You can respecfully disagree and thats ok. But to shame me or call my parenting choices sickening go and touch grass or go get yourself a cookie. Like most mums, I'm trying my best.

Sorry all let me just clear this up, my child is already sleep trained and doesnt cry anymore and hasnt after 3 days of sleep training.

My MIL seems to think she always cries but she doesnt not sure if ya'll werent clear on that.

I think it’s a pretty common opinion that the Ferber method is outdated and possibly cruel so I’m not all that shocked.

I worked as a nanny for many years and I wouldn’t be comfortable working for a family who expected me to participate in it and I certainly wouldn’t do it while babysitting a family members DC.

This is coming from someone who thinks it’s ‘your baby, your rules’ the rest of the time, it’s just something I couldn’t be forced to participate in. I wouldn’t use physical punishment regardless of what the family did, or if they asked me to, In my mind that’s the closest comparison, might be a little harsh but you get my point.

Urgh we had this with my MIL. Looked after her once a week whilst we waiting for a nursery space on that day for around 4 months. Didn’t get my 1 year old to nap at all, all day as she “wasn’t tired” or she’d lie her down on the sofa in front of the tv and expect her to just doze off instead of in a dark room in her cot like we always did. Every single week that night was a nightmare, around 8 wakes compared to none on a weekend or nursery day. Thankfully for us it came to an end when the nursery had space, and she continued to nap twice a day for a few months then once a day for another year. I can remember the pain well!

Sorry all let me just clear this up, my child is already sleep trained and doesnt cry anymore and hasnt after 3 days of sleep training.

My MIL seems to think she always cries but she doesnt not sure if ya'll werent clear on that.

I completely agree with your MIL thinking sleep training is awful but completely agree with you that she should follow your routine.
I wouldn’t let baby cry though. Compromise ?

Does she cry when she's there though?

Just to add - I agree there's absolutely no reason to be skipping naps.

Honestly, if you want free childcare then you need to suck this one up.
Your MIL has raised at least one child and therefore isn't entirely clueless. If you want her to look after her grandchild, let her do it her way (as long as she isn't putting the baby in the way of harm... which she isn't).
Or if you want things done your way then you pay for it.

I appreciate, with your first born, routines etc all seems massively important. But, patronising as it sounds, when you look back on this in years to come you won't even remember your baby's sleep schedule at this age, but what will matter is your - and their - relationship with their grandma.
A decade ago I remember being livid with my dad for not sticking to our "routine" with naps, snacks, etc. Looking back, I should have cut him more slack than I did. But I didn't learn that routines weren't a hill to die on til DC2, who was forced to nap here there and everywhere because I was running around after his big sister ...

Two questions

if your child doesn’t cry why does your MIL have such an objection to putting her in her cot? Does she want to
treat her as though she is still a small baby?
You could suggest she pops her in the cot and sings her a lullaby or reads her a story? The Gruffalo is very sing song. Maybe she just needs some ideas that are closer to her style of parenting?

Well, either you put up with it for the convenience of free childcare or you don’t. Those are your two options as it’s clear MIL isn’t going to bend to your way of thinking.
I can’t blame her for feeling as she does, there’s absolutely no way I’d leave a baby to cry either BUT if she’s not even trying it first then that’s a bit unreasonable of her. But again, you can’t change her and her choices, only your own.