Inlaws dont want to follow nap schedule

[Madea667]

My 16 month old is a sleep trained baby, we do our bedtime routine and put her into her cot where shes usually alseep with no fuss in 5 minutes. Same goes for naps too.

Now my inlaws are aware I sleep trained her and dont agree with it (I used ferber)they insinuate I'm heartless for letting her cry and 'they will not allow crying in their household' they are my only source of childcare or catching a break. When LO goes to their house she constantly skips naps because MIL doesnt want to place her in the crib to sleep, she likes to rock LO to sleep but LO will wake up as soon as shes transfered to crib so now she ultimately just skips naps. (Shes on 2 naps a day still, no signs of needing to transition to 1 just yet)

If LO spends the night, I have to go and do the bedtime routine at my MIL house which LO is normally exhausted because MIL doesnt want LO to cry??

Like at this point I'm actually stuck on what to do because I've:

Spoken to MIL numerous times about this, even just sticking to regular nap times and she always says 'oh she wasnt tired' when my daughter was infact very tired

Tried to compromise by just letting them do it their way but when LO comes back from any visit shes an overtired mess who takes days to get back to normal.

At this point I dont know if I should just lessen childcare or what? LO currently visits once every 2 weeks or once a week.

Has anyone experienced this?? If so what did you do??

How often is she providing childcare where this is happening?

Whether you agree with sleep training or not the Nursery isn’t going to fit in with a nap schedule of twice a day for a 16 month old. The Nursery will expect the DC to fit in with their nap times.

The only way she’s going to get anyone to fit in with very exact instructions is to get a Nanny.

I mentioned this post to a my friends that still work with younger children, and at least in my area, you’re absolutely right. Nobody would be following OP’s rules or they wouldn’t be able to look after her child. I mentioned I would never have agreed as a nanny either.

The defensiveness is slightly worrying. If someone informed me I was doing something that might not be in the best interest of my child I would be listening, researching and asking for advice.

Does your baby cry when her grandma puts her down? I'm usually very much in the camp of follow whatever the parents say in terms of how to look after their child (I have two young children myself).

However, I wouldn't leave a crying baby in a cot. Not when they were in my care. I'd rather not babysit at all.

If you want the free childcare you have to acknowledge that they will do what feels right to them, as annoying as it is for you! I used to massively stress over this with my mother in law with my first (she would put him down really late for a nap saying he wasn’t tired) but now I’m on child number 2 I’m honestly just happy if children are safe and happy, it won’t harm them to receive a different type of care or skip some naps here and there. I do get that it’s annoying for you as it is the parents who will feel the effects of a broken routine, but if it bothers you that much then pay for childcare with someone who will stick to your routine.

@Madea667 it's not going to be the same as it is with you at home because she's with someone else in a different house. It may be that she does cry for mil so that's why she's doing it differently?

At a nursery your DD would have to adjust to a different schedule so you'd still need to accept things being done differently.

no nursery is going to agree to your methods. It will be against child safeguarding policies.

Also, The fact that you’re letting your child cry herself to sleep for two naps a day when she’s almost certainly past needing two naps isn’t sleep training, it’s teaching your baby that you leave them to cry because you can.

It’s entirely likely that your baby doesn’t need two naps a day any more and to go to bed by 7 PM. By this age you’d expect it just to be one nap, and mine dropped his last nap the day after his second birthday.

I was fairly strictly routine driven, but even then you have to be led by your baby in terms of sleep.

There are methods of sleep training which work, when the baby actually needs to be sleeping, and then there are methods such as the ones you’re using not because your baby needs to be sleeping, but because you need her to be sleeping.

So, if DC is still crying to sleep then the Ferber method hasn't worked ?? I thought the idea was that after a short time DC would learn to self settle. If they haven't then it's not worked.

You can't expect anyone babysitting to let a child cry.

Personally as a retired midwife I would never have recommended ferber. Anyhow on another note when our little ones go to grandparents I couldn't care less about routine I just enjoy my days off. The toddlers are more than happy to continue with the routine I have when there back home. It certainly is not a deal breaker for us it's quiet time for us and grandkids time for my parents who they adore so aslong as everyone is happy I very much appreciate time out 😊

And I totally agree with those saying that jist because she doesn’t cry for you doesn’t mean that she isn’t crying with DMIL.

Babies and DC will react differently with different care providers, even sometimes for different parents.

I would continue with letting DMIL look after her as it will give you a break and help them form a lovely bond but maybe give DMIL some other options for nap time like only doing one nap after lunch and trying a nap on the pushchairs or car?

Your baby your rules
find other childcare - there are lots of babysitters out there..

Just checked my dc nursery’s safeguarding policy - lo and behold a parent sleep training their child is not mentioned at all. Of course it wouldn’t be. Please show me a policy where you have seen this because I think you’re trying to be extreme on purpose. Nursery are unlikely to be able to put a child down and close the door as often there will be other children in the room but there’s no reason why they can’t put a quiet child in a cot / on a mat and allow them to go to sleep on their own.

If you’d read any of the OPs updates which most people on here have not SHE IS NOT LETTING HER CHILD CRY FOR NAPS OR TO GO TO SLEEP. The child is already sleep trained - she puts the child in a cot and after a few minutes the child falls asleep. MIL is anxious about this and wants to rock the child to sleep. OP has written this twice.

I do actually agree with you in that most 16 months could be doing with just the 1nap but Ofc every child is different

As for your final paragraph - no idea what that means. Surely every parent who instils any sort of routine decides when their child needs to sleeping. You’ve just decided said yourself you were quite strict with routines. Unless you completely go with the flow and just let child sleep whenever they want (often leading to over-tiredness) then you will be instilling a routine for when you want them to sleep - that is not harmful in itself. Nursery is a prime example - all the babies go to sleep at a specific time which may not be when they sleep at home - this is Ofc not for the babies benefit but for the nursery’s benefit ie baby going to sleep when they need them to sleep - cannot see the issue here

This is not me having a go at all but very interested as to what your experience as a midwife taught you about the Ferber technique? Is there any data from your experience behind your statement ?

My son will cry and be a complete mess if he’s overtired. Does no one else’s do this?!

Is that’s what’s happening? MIL not putting to nap on time so then it’s a nightmare.

Yes I agree. It’s really unfair for a little child to havs his nap removed like that. Thats why I said to focus on this and not the method, as long as mil gets him down he’ll leadn thats how he sleeps there.

You want your DMIL to be uncaring as you are, but she’d rather not leave a baby to cry. only one unreasonable person here…

If you want the childcare (and the relationship) you are going to have to find a way to communicate and compromise.

Yep. It’s teaching them not to ask for comfort because they won’t get it.

YABU.

Any parent who thinks they can micromanage how other relatives look after your children in their own homes are wrong, as long as they are cared for and looked after.
You don't have that right. It's as simple as that.

It is sickening, and I’ll always judge someone who thinks it’s OK, just as I judge someone who smacks their child. Your MIL is likely of the same viewpoint. It’s probably horrified her. I had a great routine with my baby, she was fed to sleep for naps or pushed in pushchair. It’s a strange association people are between routine and leaving babies to cry on this thread.

If you insist on doing something that goes against your In-laws values, you need different childcare.
It’s like asking vegetarians to make a meat dish, or a muslim family to serve pork - it is against values, and they are in their right to not do that.
I personally feel sleep training is barbaric, similar to spanking. I wouldn’t spank your child on your request, i wouldn’t follow your sleeptraining schedule. its just a hard no.
Find different childcare that agrees with your moral values

your baby will be past needing two naps a day but you won’t be able to tell as you’ve trained them not to signal their caregiver when they need them

Speaking as someone who used Ferber too, it sounds like you would be better off finding paid childcare who will follow and respect your instructions.

If you want regular-ish and free childcare, it needs to work for both parties and it sounds like it's not.

My parents and my in-laws both looked after our son twice a week each from being a year old when I returned to work. 4 days of free childcare. He was taken care of differently in all 3 houses. Neither was better than the other, just different. I went by the guidelines of ‘their house, their rules’. It saved a lot of conflict, a more harmonious relationship between everyone and it made no difference whatsoever to the ‘routine’ that he had at home. It saved me thousands in childcare, he has the best relationship with both sets of Grandparents and enabled me to continue with my career. You either want full control over your sons day in which case you’re going to have to look after him yourself or pay someone to do so, or you relax your rules to benefit from MIL giving you free childcare. You can’t have both.

Sounds like we had a very similar arrangement. Definitely their house, their rules. The DC were also little sods and wouldn’t nap for them for ages unless they were out in the pushchair or cuddled to sleep.

This is what makes me think that the LO in question is probably making a fuss for the DILs, even if they don’t at home.