Argument with another mum in the park

[anotheronettc]

Ugh.. hate that I am writing this but also am driving myself mad and am doubting myself as a human lately.. I have two little ones, 1 and 3 (just had their birthdays). I am a polite person and never let me kids treat other kids badly but if they do I will always apologise on their behalf and make them apologise (well my three year old anyway!)

today at the park I had just put my two boys on the swings. This park has about 4 swings. But these two were next to each other so I could push both boys. A mum and girl (around 3-4 years old) came in and straight away headed for where we were, the little girl ran in front of the swing and I had to stop it mid air so it didn’t hit her. The mum was a few steps behind but said nothing. I carried on pushing my kids keeping an eye out for this little girl.

the girl then proceeds to be a toddler and have a tantrum. Charging at my boys on the swings screaming get off now. Over and over.. this goes on for about 4 mins. The mum is just watching.

my boys look very confused. I feel bad for them as they are being shouted at for nothing. At this point I don’t want to take them off while this girl is demanding it because I feel like it would teach them that her behaviour is ok and that we have to get off just because she is screaming at them.

in the end I turn round and say to the mum.. this is so unpleasant for my children to be being screamed at like this and she completely ignores me. I then am quite shocked by this and say .. I’m not sure why you’re ignoring me this isn’t ok.

she flips like a rocket and gets quite close to me… “she’s a child!” “I have never experienced anything like this”

to which I say “this is so rude” “you need to parent your child”

she storms out park.

was I completely unreasonable here. I appreciate honestly. I feel pretty shit about it, I know she may have been going through stuff but then also I think., I’m having a miscarriage currently and dealing with stuff but I’d never let me kids treat others like that.

When you consider that half the population of the planet are - by default - below average intelligence, stuff like this makes a lot more sense 😂

what a load of nonsense . 4 mins is nothing on a swing . The mother should have talked to her child about the need to share and have patience. Not act like an entitled spoiled brat .

There's nothing wrong with my reading comprehension we can all read what you wrote about 'these kids' .

wriggle as much as you like, you're wrong.

There’s plenty wrong with your reading comprehension. I did not blame the child at all.

I’m not sure what your quote marks are about when you refer to ‘these kids’ but all kids deserve to not be put in situations they are unable to cope with.

YANBU, I’ve has to move my DD away from children who are on something she wants a turn on and told her to wait her turn. I wouldn’t allow her to endanger herself or other children like that either. Shit parenting is everywhere unfortunately. I would have said to the girl and mum though “we’ll just be a minute and then you can have your go”.

Why are you using quote mark around “these kids” when @RawBloomersnever used those words.

That’s either some serious lack of reading comprehension or it’s manipulative misrepresentation of what she’s saying…
Which is it?

I agree @RawBloomersif a child, for whatever reason, is physically charging at and screaming in the faces of other children and isn’t being actively helped to not do this, then they shouldn’t be in the park. Neurotypical or not, ALL children need to be parented to not hurt or frighten other people. I have worked with severely autistic children and people for years. Everyone is understanding because they see you are absolutely on any behaviours like that. If I were to just stand back while a child lunged and screamed at people again and again and shrugged my shoulders. Can you imagine?

It’s disingenuous bullshit to pull the ND card for this stuff.

No there's NOT.

you said

Kids who are actually unable to let other kids play on play equipment just shouldn't be going to communal playgrounds. They aren't suitable environments for children with those sorts of needs

I find your attitude disgusting. I'm not discussing it any further.

That was exactly what I said. And not a single word of it puts the blame on the child.

Since you claimed it did, your reading comprehension needs work.

Sorry to wade in, but I don’t agree that playgrounds aren’t the right environment for children who are unable to allow others on equipment.

How else do we teach them to share, turn take and manage their reactions to that?

The mum wasn’t wrong for taking a child who escalated about swings to the park, she was wrong to do nothing about it. She missed a really obvious learning opportunity that you have to either wait, or play on another swing.

It’s not the child’s fault, you’re right, but not taking kids who can’t share to playgrounds does nothing to teach them to share.

If you have someone there facilitating in a way that stands a good chance of success, it’s a different environment. Not an environment where the kid can’t help but scream at someone, instead it becomes an environment where the kid is facilitated in using the playground appropriately.

But if you aren’t there yet. If you don’t have the facilitator there, or if there is no way to facilitate appropriate behaviour, then it’s not a suitable environment.

Putting a kid in a situation where they are going to get stressed out and end up melting down, is not good for them.

No, it's one thing if the parent is trying to deal with child, but not if they're just excusing/ignoring.

the person running the group needs to have a word.

The only way we teach our ND children life skills, and how not to have a meltdown because they’re being expected to wait/share, is by teaching them it.

We can’t teach them how to get through those park related meltdowns, if we don’t go to parks.

There was a facilitator there, the girls mum, she should have facilitated.

The little girl only learns not to shout at other children on swings, if she is taught not to and how to regulate at those times. Which the mum didn’t do.

I wouldn’t class someone who isn’t facilitating as a facilitator. So maybe that’s where we differ here.

But I wouldn’t put my daughter in a situation where a melt down was almost inevitable if I could possibly avoid it. Not good for me, not good for her and not good for anyone around us. I have not found that to be a useful tactic for teaching her how to handle situations that might trigger. You need to build up to it. Work on tactics at home or in other environments that aren’t so overwhelming and out of your control. When you go to the playground a melt down should not be almost inevitable, it’s not going to help.

I'm sorry but you are clearly in the wrong here. And I think you know you're in the wrong, which is WHY you feel guilty and why you started this thread in the first place. You have every right to be annoyed at a situation, but to hande it like that? “this is so rude” “you need to parent your child”. What a horrible thing to say to another mother. You have no idea what that mother, or that child, would have been going through that day. How completely judgemental, what was the point of saying it? What were you trying to get out of it by saying that? All it seems to have done is force a woman out of the park, and probably have a horrible day. You say she "storms out" of the park, but what if she was leaving that park shaken and shamed and nervous to ever come to that space again. All because of a 4 minute interaction with a child? And as you say, you're going through stuff too, which is maybe why you were overly sensitive and reactive to the situation.

I don’t think you were wrong. I think even ND children need to grasp the concept of taking turns and given that there was another swing within reach, there wasn’t really a problem. Parents need to parent properly.

What would you have done instead, allowed the child to scream at yours?

The only way I’d have done something different is by speaking to the child directly myself, politely asking her to not shout at my kids.

But I don’t see that not addressing it at all was the right thing?

That’s fair enough - we approach it differently.

Our most recent big meltdown was because we were leaving swimming. We can’t (or won’t) not take him to an activity he enjoys, instead we prefer to use those times to teach him how to manage the disappointment of an activity ending, and transition more calmly.

We can’t remove every curveball, sometimes it’s about teaching him to catch them.

Life is going to be disappointing - swings won’t always be available, play sessions end, there aren’t infinite yoghurts. For us it’s been about managing those disappointments rather than avoiding them.

Managing your child and their temper tantrums is fine. That’s parenting. That’s socialising them.

The parent in the OP was doing nothing while her child threw her weight around, screaming, and frightening other children. Mother sits their doing nothing then gets arsey when called out on her terrible parenting.