Argument with another mum in the park

[anotheronettc]

Ugh.. hate that I am writing this but also am driving myself mad and am doubting myself as a human lately.. I have two little ones, 1 and 3 (just had their birthdays). I am a polite person and never let me kids treat other kids badly but if they do I will always apologise on their behalf and make them apologise (well my three year old anyway!)

today at the park I had just put my two boys on the swings. This park has about 4 swings. But these two were next to each other so I could push both boys. A mum and girl (around 3-4 years old) came in and straight away headed for where we were, the little girl ran in front of the swing and I had to stop it mid air so it didn’t hit her. The mum was a few steps behind but said nothing. I carried on pushing my kids keeping an eye out for this little girl.

the girl then proceeds to be a toddler and have a tantrum. Charging at my boys on the swings screaming get off now. Over and over.. this goes on for about 4 mins. The mum is just watching.

my boys look very confused. I feel bad for them as they are being shouted at for nothing. At this point I don’t want to take them off while this girl is demanding it because I feel like it would teach them that her behaviour is ok and that we have to get off just because she is screaming at them.

in the end I turn round and say to the mum.. this is so unpleasant for my children to be being screamed at like this and she completely ignores me. I then am quite shocked by this and say .. I’m not sure why you’re ignoring me this isn’t ok.

she flips like a rocket and gets quite close to me… “she’s a child!” “I have never experienced anything like this”

to which I say “this is so rude” “you need to parent your child”

she storms out park.

was I completely unreasonable here. I appreciate honestly. I feel pretty shit about it, I know she may have been going through stuff but then also I think., I’m having a miscarriage currently and dealing with stuff but I’d never let me kids treat others like that.

Or don’t say anything at all. I’m happy to let other children make a fool of themselves and their parents. Just carry on and let her act the goat. Smile blandly and ignore.

I wouldn’t have been so polite. Well handled op.

Well done op you were brilliant!

I expect the mother has allowed the child to do this to get what she wants as many would give in to her. I wouldn’t have and would have said something similar and if mine were old enough, in the moment quietly explained to mine, age appropriate how that’s not what we do. I say quietly as I wouldn’t choose to purposely cause an issue (I don’t believe what you said was wrong in any way) but I would give mine opportunities for learning such as, I wonder what she wants, what do you think would help get her that, what would you do etc.

Well done for standing up for you and your boys.

I think wanting a particular swing or to do things in a particular order is common in children who are ND and where possible and reasonable around my own ND children, I tend to accommodate and explain to my own children.

The mum was perfectly reasonable, she wasn’t insisting on your children getting off rhe swings or supporting her child’s unreasonable request

What you’re considering wonderful parenting eg pointing out the alternative, scolding about the tantrum, attempting reason or consequences would potentially massively have escalated things, with some ND kids I know into actual aggression. Passive ignoring was potentially far better parenting than the type you wanted.

Sure your kids didn’t like being screamed at but the child wasn’t hurting them or being offensive. The mum could have carted out of the park if small enough perhaps but maybe she weighed it up and decided the minor inconvenience to your children of a bit of screaming, wasn’t worth the hours long meltdown the carting off would have resulted in.

Of course it could be nothing like this and passive parenting of an NT child but personally I prefer to imagine the best case scenario. Makes everything more pleasant.

That’s a great idea thank you. My son was asking questions about it and I wasn’t sure what to say so I will try that if he brings it up tomorrow !

Gosh that’s harsh. And frankly the little girl should learn to wait a wee bit, or play on something else.

Was she bollocks. No child should be allowed to repeatedly charge at and scream at other people.

Even if we were to assume ND (unlikely to be diagnosed at 3-4) the mum needed to intervene at the start when the kid ran at the swing in progress. You would also likely know the kids behaviour and likeoy running dangerously towards it.
i think even if nd you cant let a kid keep then running at a swing in use and scream get off. I wouod have been repeating - the other chiodren are usin g the swings we have to wait our turn. Or you can use xyz instead.
Generally i probably wouldnt get my kids off if there was another one free.

I think it doesnt help that some parents behave like this and allow their kids to because its happening relativeky frequently its nit obvious that its sen and seems more parenting so everyone then blames iasues on parenting.

No one was being a ‘cow’ as you so charmingly put it. The op was minding her own business playing with her children and then is confronted by some arsehole who can’t and won’t parent their own toddler. It’s not up to the op, or her boys, to compensate for that.

Are you one of these people who just expect the world to revolve around your non-parenting and then get aggressive when it doesn’t?

You phrased that so well. I'm sure I wouldn't have been so eloquent.

Dont give it another thought, mum's a poor parent.

YWNBU. Parent was just hoping that by letting her brat brat, you'd get fed up and leave. I would probably have tried just telling the girl to stop, but there was nothing wrong with you calling the mum out on her attitude and lack of parenting.

Kids who are actually unable to let other kids play on play equipment just shouldn't be going to communal playgrounds. They aren't suitable environments for children with those sorts of needs.

I know you didn't ask for this OP, but honestly you sound like such a fantastic mum and person. I really admire how you dealt with the situation with such assertiveness and your boys are lucky to have a role model like yourself in their lives.

And I'm very sorry about your loss 💐

You did absolutely nothing wrong.
(I'm sorry for your loss 💐)

What 😂😂😂 honestly when you think you hear it all

I think it doesnt help that some parents behave like this and allow their kids to because its happening relativeky frequently its nit obvious that its sen and seems more parenting so everyone then blames iasues on parenting.

Is this not the result of ‘giving pass’ for bad behaviour ND or not.

Ie. My son’s three. He’s like a sponge. If someone is behaving in a certain way he absorbs that and he will copy it. He doesn’t know xyz is a side effect of a ND symptom. Besides trying to explain that concept to a 3 yo; the result is still the same. If no one challenges it he will think that is acceptable behaviour. And is then potentially also scream charging at swings.

I am usually the last person to play the special needs card, but that is not normal behaviour for a 3.5-4 year old, I would have suspected something was not quite right with her.

If it had been me I would have given her a cheery 'we will just be a couple of minutes, sweetheart, then you can have a go',, I don't think there was any need for you to fan the flames as you did. Also you need to keep turns really short if others are waiting.

The way she behaved was of course unacceptable.

However it comes down to the age old - do you know what’s happening in her life? She could also be having a miscarriage…

When this kind of thing happens to me I always try to not take it personally. It could be at anyone and I always feel sorry for that person, that seems to help me not take it personally.

You did exactly the right thing. Well done!

Don't second guess yourself.

The mother was 100% in the wrong.

I mean what you said was obviously never going to go down well, you’ve basically criticised her parenting on the basis of a tiny snapshot of their lives. She was never going to be happy about it, and felt free to speak her mind to you just as clearly as she probably felt you were speaking yours to her.

I do think you could have been a bit more diplomatic being totally honest, just ignored the whole situation altogether rather than say anything to the mum, or as others have said in your shoes I would also have probably tried to diffuse the situation by reassuring the child that she won’t be waiting long etc and moved on fairly quickly (though I agree 4 minutes isn’t long objectively!) Or honestly I personally would probably have said to the kid “hey it’s fine, I see you really want this swing and we can easily move to this other one, but I’m sure you know normally it’s good to be a bit patient for your turn and not kind to say “off! OK? ” etc.

I understand what you were doing but I don’t personally think it’s necessarily setting up terrible examples and habits forever especially with kids of such young ages, to just be aware of your environment and others around you and react as needed, and occasionally recognise that although you shouldn’t HAVE to give in because of another child’s tantrum, the reality is that as you said it wasn’t fun for anyone by that point anyway with all the screaming… you can be flexible with this sort of thing to an extent, it’s ok to not stand on higher-minded principles 100 percent of the time in all situations (which can be exhausting and often unrealistic in practice) and doesn’t mean your kids will turn out to be total pushovers especially if this is an exceptional situation.

But also how you reacted and what you said/how you dealt with things wasn’t necessarily wrong (and it’s ok if you yourself felt you didn’t want to give in on your kids behalf for your own sake but if it’s more that then at least be honest with yourself that it’s more on your own behalf than the kids you’re taking this stand), it’s just a bit more confrontational than my personal style. That’s fine if that’s how you want to play things but obviously others don’t always respond well to being called out or having boundaries set etc. And you have to be prepared to deal with the fallout of taking this approach (hence it being potentially exhausting). I’m a bit surprised that you found her response surprising TBH. I suspect in a similar situation you’d have felt much the same as her.

Sweet of you to care about what might have been going on with her or her kid and given it some serious thought and reflected on it all though and definitely shows that you have good empathy.

It obviously does sound a bit mad that she was so upset if there were other swings not being used, but toddlers are not always rational about these things as I’m sure you realise! Not the child’s fault, and yes sounds like the mum could have been a bit more proactive in trying to help manage the situation rather than leave it all to you. You weren’t wrong. But there were other ways to handle this with their own pros and cons. And I don’t think you should lose too much sleep over the whole thing basically! It’s a storm in a teacup xx

The other child wasn't a toddler. She was older than that-3 or 4

My ND 3 year old does need to do the park in a certain order, and would stand and wait for the swing as I can’t distract him with anything else. He might also cry and keep saying he wants the swing. I wouldn’t however let him run at the swing or shout at anyone, and I would reinforce the we have to wait (although that is probably more for the benefit of the other child and parent)

Sone parents are rubbish. You met such a parent at the park. You did well in managing this.

Actually she didn't need to wait. The other 2 swings were free.

Good grief. 🙄