Argument with another mum in the park

[anotheronettc]

Ugh.. hate that I am writing this but also am driving myself mad and am doubting myself as a human lately.. I have two little ones, 1 and 3 (just had their birthdays). I am a polite person and never let me kids treat other kids badly but if they do I will always apologise on their behalf and make them apologise (well my three year old anyway!)

today at the park I had just put my two boys on the swings. This park has about 4 swings. But these two were next to each other so I could push both boys. A mum and girl (around 3-4 years old) came in and straight away headed for where we were, the little girl ran in front of the swing and I had to stop it mid air so it didn’t hit her. The mum was a few steps behind but said nothing. I carried on pushing my kids keeping an eye out for this little girl.

the girl then proceeds to be a toddler and have a tantrum. Charging at my boys on the swings screaming get off now. Over and over.. this goes on for about 4 mins. The mum is just watching.

my boys look very confused. I feel bad for them as they are being shouted at for nothing. At this point I don’t want to take them off while this girl is demanding it because I feel like it would teach them that her behaviour is ok and that we have to get off just because she is screaming at them.

in the end I turn round and say to the mum.. this is so unpleasant for my children to be being screamed at like this and she completely ignores me. I then am quite shocked by this and say .. I’m not sure why you’re ignoring me this isn’t ok.

she flips like a rocket and gets quite close to me… “she’s a child!” “I have never experienced anything like this”

to which I say “this is so rude” “you need to parent your child”

she storms out park.

was I completely unreasonable here. I appreciate honestly. I feel pretty shit about it, I know she may have been going through stuff but then also I think., I’m having a miscarriage currently and dealing with stuff but I’d never let me kids treat others like that.

I would do the same if it was one of my kids, I would never let them stand there screaming at another child. But the OP was still rude in the way she spoke to the girls mum and it wasn’t the girls fault, it was bad parenting.

As the (step) parent of a severely ND child, we absolutely do not ask other children to accommodate us.

My stepson loves a zip wire. If someone is using it, he waits. If there’s already a queue, he stands in it. Usually with lots of “not our turn yet” support, and sometimes some light holding back etc, but he waits. If he can’t wait, he is removed from the situation and taken to play on something else until the zip wire is free.

We are absolutely not teaching him that he can shout or just take things he wants. That’s not how the world works and he doesn’t own the zip wire. In fact, if other parents try and move their kids, we ask them not to - he needs to learn to share.

ND or otherwise, you don’t just stand there while your kid screams at someone, and not intervene at all. That’s completely unfair on everyone else who also deserves to use a park.

OP could have done things differently, there are a whole range of ways of responding, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the way OP went given the way the mum treated OP and her kids. You aren’t obliged to be nice to people when they are treating you badly. OP hasn’t said it was the girl’s fault, she’s clearly framed it as poor parenting.

As a mum of a ND child I wouldn't have allowed my child to behave like that. Children allowed to behave like that often become bullies. Part of our job as parents is to help our children grow and develop into people others want to be around and who are able up contribute positively to society. This is useless parenting not supporting a ND child.

OP you did nothing wrong. The child was being a brat and her mother was useless. Your kids shouldn't suffer because of it.

You 100% did the right thing OP and I applaud you for calling her out on it. Unfortunately you cannot reason with stupid.

Was she face down in her phone by any chance?

I’d have said something sooner than that. I’ve never been afraid to offer parenting “advice” when required. She probably left out of embarrassment because she knows you are right

Oh goodness!! I suppose I ought to keep fingers crossed this one doesn’t go the same way 😅

As for banning him from the group @Kibble19 alas his mother is on the committee… it’s such a shame as it’s a lovely group otherwise!

You were fine, OP. For whatever reason the other mum wasn't addressing her kid's behaviour and wasn't directing her to another swing. That's a bit rubbish, you were looking out for all the children ans making sure the girl wasn't hurt, and it's not fair for your children to be screamed at. Don't know how one posters surmise from this that you were rude.

This girl will be one of the monstrously behaved teens you hear about and her mum will have no idea at all how she got so bad

Firstly, I want to say I am sorry for what you are going through - a miscarriage in any circumstances is a horrible experience, and having to kiok after two young children while going through that must be horrendous. Please reach out to partner if you have one, family and friends for support as much as you can, and be kind to yourself.

Re. The incident today,, personally I would always speak to the child directly myself, before challenging a parent. In this instance I think I would have asked her to stop shouting, told her that my son's were having a turn now but in 2 minutes (or whatever felt reasonable depending on how busy the park is) she could have hers.

I agree with you of course that the mom was wrong to simply allow this behaviour.

I suppose it is possible though for all of us to be close to breaking point but still need to keep going, and get to the point where we let things slide that we shouldn't just because we are dealing with so much internally.

None of us have any way of knowing whether this is true of this mom - she may just be an ignorant cow - but I guess it's good to show compassion where we can.

I think the words you used were perhaps a little patronising? (I seriously DON'T mean to be unkind - you are going through a horrible time and I am super impressed you were in the park at all!) I do know I myself can get triggered if other adults speak to me in a certain way that I think implies they see themselves as superior, and in that instance I might walk off in a huff, even if really I was in the wrong.

Look, at the end of the day, none of us were there to witness the severity of the screaming, the tone both adults spoke in, etc.

But you are clearly not a horrible person - to be worrying about it like this, you just aren't! So cute yourself some slack and forget about this. Focus on yourself and your lovely little ones, not a stranger you will probably never see again and whose life you can't know anything about.

OK had to come back to this seeing as though my comment was picked up so many times!
To me again 4 minutes is a an eternity for a toddler to wait without being given an indication of when they may 'get their turn'. Even if that kid was being a brat a simple " 2 minutes more" to the boys would've indicated to the girl there was a turn coming for her. Also trying to reason with a toddler ? - yes in the land of great mothers toddlers would never tantrum or have off days - but to me this girl could have just been having one of those moments whenthey're impossible to reason with, and OP did nothing to help the other mum overcome that, but instead compounded matters by making it about the 'other mum not parenting' and wanting to teach her lesson by telling her to parent her kid.
The fact that the other mum shouted 'she's just a kid' and stormed out of the park is in itself an indication of that mums headspace- doesn't that overreaction tell you ladies the headspace the other mum was in was perhaps one of utter shit toddler hell and having a bad day? If it was a crap mother -who didn't give a flying monkeys she would've mouthed off a few choice words and stayed at the park not giving a crap at being judged but she stormed of probably humiliated and feeling even more awful. Is empathy towards others sometimes a bit too much to show? when OP herself I understand is also in a delicate spot couldn't she have spared some for someone else without judging/ making it worse for her instead?

Absolutely you were right.

Yea she’s a child. Yes children behave inappropriately. Her job as the parent is to parent her.

She clearly couldn’t be arsed!

I’ve told children they can have a turn “in a few minutes” when my child is on the only swing in the park. But there were other swings.

And… if any child repeatedly charged at my child, screaming in his face, they wouldn’t be afforded the courtesy. Said child and their useless parent can frankly fuck off and then fuck off some more and my son can take his sweeeeet time on that swing for the rest of the day for all I care.

The worst day in the world would still not see me allowing my child to behave like such a disgusting little monster. We’re talking about the most basic of parenting here.

You handled it well OP.

I’ve had dog owners be the same. You ask them to come and get their dog that is barking and growling at you, and the owners get angry and defensive!

Yes her daughter is a child, but that’s exactly why children need their parents to help them learn what is appropriate and how to be well socialized.

I’m like this too. I’ll always say to my boy “look, this girl is waiting, why don’t we do ten more swings then we’ll go to the slide so she can have a shot?” type stuff.

But there’s zero chance I’d do that in the circumstance the OP describes. It’s not up to the parent of the other child to appease the lazy parent’s kid. Or to compromise with them. Not my problem, frankly.

I’d even throw in a loud “I don’t know, she’s being very naughty isn’t she? You’re being such a good boy, we don’t want you to behave like that, do we?” when my child inevitably asked why she was going off her head. 😈

Absolutely. All kids have their moments but the behaviour the OP is describing is just so far out of my experience I cannot empathise with the mother. I have friends with autistic children and they are straight in there if there are any behaviours that might unintentionally upset other children. It’s very obvious and everyone can see what they’re navigating. They don’t just sit back and say “oh well, kids eh?” This parent was just being a lazy lump however.

If this happened to us my 3 year old would look at the child like they’ve grown another head. He knows behaviour like that is absolutely unacceptable and it would show in how he looked at her 👀

That’s the crux of it for me - if someone’s kid is behaving terribly but the parent is doing something to try and stop it, then my thoughts would instantly be of empathy and support because I know it must be embarrassing, draining and soul destroying to be that parent with that child. Total respect and support to anyone who has to deal with that.

But sitting on your arse and giving cheek to another parent while the kid goes mad? That’s not on!

Proud of you mama x

Where is your empathy for OP’s children and OP in this? Your plan means DC have their enjoyment cut short. OP probably can’t push one well if she can’t seat them both so these are the swings she can safely entertain both her DC. Given there was already a swing free the girl could have used, with no guarantee that the screaming was actually about that particular swing and not just at another child getting attention when she isn’t. So OP could take her kids out and still be being attacked.

Yes, the other mum may have been having a bad day, or a bad year. Doesn’t make it right for her to let her child abuse other children like that or bully them off equipment.

I’m very much against the “someone’s waiting a quick go then we’ll swap” mentality as a rule.

Obviously if kids have been on swings for 10 minutes before other kids turned up you’d judge situation.

Bit I see so many times

Kid 1 gets on swing.

kids 2 wants a turn.

Kid 1 is told 2 minutes then swap. Told to share.

Kid 2 gets on swing and either they ain’t swapping back for love nor money or they aren’t asked to swap back and “share”.

Part of life is learning someone else got there first.

These sorts simply should not breed. Enjoy your day and don't give it another thought. X

Definitely agree. (Within reason!) I’m not rushing my child off or away from something they’ve been looking forward to for the sake of someone else with no guarantee of reciprocal ‘sharing’. Maybe that makes me selfish, I don’t really care 🤷🏼‍♀️

Absolutely.

Mu ds is autistic and so language is delayed.

He is such a gentle soul and if he picked something up and another child said they wanted a go and he has to share he’d hand it over. But they wouldn’t hand it back.

We had a number of families in our circle in the earlier years with children who were like this. They don’t remain in our circle for long once I realised that they had been taught sharing meant “give me a turn when I want it”.

A factor in that was the general lack or parenting from the parents but also because my poor ds seemed to be a constant target for the kids with precocious language who could make him look like he was doing something wrong purely because he picked up something no one else was playing with and another kids decided that looked fun and wanted a turn - NOW!

It’s one of those social situations that’s hard to navigate if your circle of friends aren’t all on the same page with what sharing means and about making their child wait their turn nicely!

That's a nasty comment.

some kids need help to navigate things. It wasn't the child's fault the mother wasn't engaging with her.

Nit saying this girl has SEN. But your attitude to children with SEN (or NT kids that need some help) is disgusting. Playgrounds are for ALL children.

We stopped making children with additional needs be hidden away decades ago (thank gid) which tick have you been under?

You need to improve your reading comprehension. I haven't said it was the child's fault. I don't think it's the child's fault.

I was replying to a poster who was claiming the situation OP found herself in should be tolerated because some children might be unable to do anything else. If a child can not help but scream in that fashion at another who is just playing on some equipment, it is better for everyone including that child that they not be put in that position. It isn't a suitable environment for them.

ND children need carers who avoid triggering situations, not ones who put their kids in jeopardy and then sit and watch the fall out.

There is nothing at all nasty about pointing that out.

What is nasty is thinking it's fine to put anyone - the child, OP's child, OP or the child's mother - in that situation.