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Parenting

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Original poster

advice on handling inl's telling your dc off

23 replies

bigboydiditandranaway · 20/05/2008 17:36

Just wondered how you find it best to handle inl's telling off your dc while you are there, or joining in when you're telling them off.

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deanychip · 20/05/2008 17:40

depends on why they are telling child off.
if its justified then i think that it teaches the cild that there are rules with every one not just you.

were you upset by it? was it not justified?

mrschop · 20/05/2008 20:55

Joining in when you are telling them off is not on - it is ganging up, distracting and undermines you. Generally I spot the badness and deal with it myself, but I don't mind them (or my parents) asking them to stop doing whatever, if I'm not there or distracted. If they babysit they need to be able to control the child, it's not safe for them to have them otherwise.

Original poster

bigboydiditandranaway · 21/05/2008 07:12

To be honest, it is more the joining in that really irriates me, to be fair it doesn't happen an awful lot. We are going out for the day at the weekend and i just wanted to prepare myself for things inl's get upto!

MrsC, what would you advise? I'm thinking of speaking to dh about it before we go so he can say something if they start, but if it happens when he's not there, should i just turn round and say something like, whie i am telling ds off, i would be grateful if you would let me continue to do so as i would normally without joining in please??

What's the best way of dealing with situations that you think are ok and acceptable but the inl's don't? I do respect their wishes in their house with their things etc.

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laura032004 · 21/05/2008 07:19

I just say 'oh, I wouldn't tell him off for that' or 'we let him do that at home, so please don't say that to him'.

My MIL doesn't join in the telling off, but says things like, 'please do what mummy says, or nanna will cry and you don't want to make her cry..' DH is away at the moment, and after having heard this several hundred times, I took DS1 to one side to tell him off, and just said as I was holding his hand, 'please don't interrupt me' then proceeded to have words with him.

AbbeyA · 21/05/2008 08:08

I would just have a friendly word with them on my own, when DC not around.They probably think that they are being helpful.

BreeVanderCampLGJ · 21/05/2008 08:14

SIL tried this once, I finished what I was saying and then said, one voice please and it is probably best that it is mine.

She got the message.

brimfull · 21/05/2008 08:19

I don't see a problem with them telling dc's off, but the doing it at the same time is both unnecessary and ineffective .

I like the comment "one voice at a time" bree suggested.

Tortington · 21/05/2008 08:21

if my kids are being naughty then i don't care who tells them off.

...am i not geting the point?

i really don't understand.

Othersideofthechannel · 21/05/2008 08:24

I think the point is the joining-in that is hard for the parent to handle.
As well as annoying, surely it can't be effective. It makes it hard for child to focus. After all, you wouldn't have two people talking at once to teach a lesson.

BecauseImWorthIt · 21/05/2008 08:31

Sorry - I'm with Custy on this one. If DCs need to be told off then they should be. And ILs have as much right to tell them off as you do. They are their gc after all.

Can't see the problem of them joining in - surely that reinforces that what has been done is wrong?

I think this sounds like you have 'ishoos' with your ILs, and you're anticipating a problem with them.

MinkyBorage · 21/05/2008 08:34

take ds to one side, away from them before telling him off mybe?

AbbeyA · 21/05/2008 08:46

I think that grandparents should tell them off if they are not happy with something they are doing. If I was a grandparent then I would have rules in my house that I would expect them to stick to and if I didn't want chocolately fingers on my sofa then I would say so. However I don't think that you should join in if they are being told off by a parent.

francagoestohollywood · 21/05/2008 08:51

I'm not getting the point either. What's wrong in inlaws telling children off?

francagoestohollywood · 21/05/2008 08:52

I have problems with my mother not telling the dc off when it's needed!

Lazylou · 21/05/2008 09:06

Same here Franca! My mum spoils DD so she gets away with murder. She has her every Saturday night atm whilst I finish off my degree (am glued to the pc all the time) so DD gets away with all sorts there and is then a nightmare when she returns home for a couple of days.

OTOH MIL doesn't care and will shout at DD for what I consider to be nonsense reasons but I can't say anything because it upsets DH and a row normally ensues.

The latest thing is she keeps telling DD that if she doesn't do this/that/the other, a big scary dog will chase her home. DD is now petrified of dogs which is something I experience myself but have been careful not to project my feelings onto DD. I even find the bravery to stroke a dog sometimes in DD's company (wouldn't dream of it if on my own) but it just frustrates me.

The other thing my mum is guilty of is if I'm dealing with something DD has done, as her mother, I gauge the level of my voice, tone etc to suit the incident. My mum bless her, then talks over me and tells me whatever DD has done wasn't that bad and is all forgotten about now. It's the talking over me thing that gets on my nerves.

francagoestohollywood · 21/05/2008 09:09

at your mil saying that things to your dd! I wouldn't be happy at all.

Othersideofthechannel · 21/05/2008 11:57

Would you join in if the children's father was telling them off at home?

AbbeyA · 21/05/2008 12:48

I think it is far more effective if one person tells them off. Everyone joining in and going on and on is often counter productive.

tigana · 21/05/2008 12:50

Bugs me when my father tells ds off for something that I do not consider worth being told off for.
Likewise when ILs give him a cuddle when he is crying because he has not got his own way.

If I was telling ds off and he was not listening etc then I woudl appreciate someone else backing me up. If it was 'working' then I would want them to butt out and not over do it.
Being told off by more than one person at a time is guaranteed to seen ds off into sobs.

Niecie · 21/05/2008 13:08

My Dad has the habit of joining in when I telling my DS off. If I am handling it I don't need his 'help'. It is confusing for the children, it just becomes a big noise and they don't hear what either of us are saying and really, it is bullying. I don't like if two people gang up at me at once and I am a big and capable adult. The children can't handle it.

If he has a problem with them then by all means he can say something (although I have a problem with some of things he choses to pick them up on but that's another story) but he should keep quiet if I am dealing with it already.

I try to tell him I am dealing with it but usually he takes no notice so no help, only sympathy to the OP.

SmugColditz · 21/05/2008 13:11

You look at them assertively and say "Thank you, I am dealing with this myself"

Then keep looking at them (with a smile, of course) until they clear off.

Original poster

bigboydiditandranaway · 21/05/2008 19:48

thanks for your messages, some good advice i agree with many of you that it is bullying if others are joining in when you are telling off your dc.

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mrschop · 22/05/2008 20:33

Just to reply to you - I say "I'll sort him out' then usually take DS off to one side so he can concentrate on what I'm saying. Has always been OK, people generally think they're helping when they join in.

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