Step child drama!

[child2025]

What would you do...

My DSC (10) is horrible to my DC (5) every time they are with us. Sometimes they get on but 9/10 it's arguments or nastiness.

Examples

• DC not allowed to touch DSC things but this doesn't go both ways.
• DC is never allowed to express themselves when playing, it's DSC way or no way.
• if other kids in family around DSC will leave DC out and belittle.
• DSC always snatching things from DC or dictating what they can or cannot do.

The way they speak to my DP is terrible, back chat, everything is NO, they are huffy and will cry if told off.
My DP has been in tears with it several times as he doesn't know what else to do.

We discipline and speak to DSC but nothing improves.

Absolutely at my wits end to the point it's breaking myself and DP as I do not stand for my DC to be bullied in their own home or have to change their behaviour to suit DSC twice a week 🫠

As you “do not stand for my DC to be bullied in their own home” why are you living with your P and his bully child?

Live separately, date your DP and ensure your DC never comes into contact with his.

How would you feel if two days a week someone moved into your house that bullied you? You wouldn’t remain living there would you, or you’d kick them out? So why are you putting your DC through that when there’s no need?

Clearly your DP needs to be a better parent and stop his DC bullying other children, but it’s obvious that he’s unwilling/unable to do that, so remove your DC from the situation; problem solved.

First response nails it

FGS protect your kids

I agree with @nopineapplepizza that you need to keep the children apart, at least for a while and until this is resolved in some way.

The situation needs a break.

Whose house is it? Yours? Joint? What are the logistics?

So, OP should have to leave her partner and home, pay to set up her own independent residence, take another child away from living with dad... Because the child that's there 2 days a week is a bully?

No no. The bully loses out, not the victim.

Bully child changes their behaviour, or bully child has their time with dad away from home. Dad can take bully child out for the day(s).

What if they are in dad's home?

Dad needs a home where he can take his child. If that means OP has to move out or he needs to move out of hers, so be it.

The kid never suffers. They've probably been forced into a situation they should have never been in.

Sorry, but you don't split up yet another child from a happy life living with both parents 5 days a week because another child who stays there (assuming) one night and two days bullies them.

Lots of children's parents are separated. You don't get carte blanche to be a horrible little bully. They're 10, not 4.

Dad should be showing that bullying is not acceptable in the house, and if you think it's clever to carry on bullying, then you simply won't be allowed around the child you think it's ok to bully.

Contact doesn't have to stop. But a clear message that bullying is not acceptable anywhere, is exactly appropriate.

God forbid the bully not be allowed to terrorise a 5yr old anymore.

Is your DP your child's father?

@TheAutumnCrow we live together in a joint house with 2 kids together. Youngest is 5months though so not involved in any drama (yet 😩)
Moving out isn't an option I'm not taking my two kids away from dad.
We've actually started doing the one to one time with dad as like I said I'm at my wits end and sick of my DC needing to protect themself (never physically but definitely emotionally).

DP is broken with it but also hates telling DSC off as he doesn't want to disconnect given they don't get much together. This has resulted in us arguing as I don't see that as a reason to let them get away with the cheek/nastiness etc.

He needs to get his own space where he can father all his children himself. Separately if need be. Your relationship with him is of secondary importance to that

Totally agree, I suspect the step child feels territorial and I don’t blame them. 2 days a week or not, it’s still their home, it’s where their dad lives, and maybe they don’t feel as welcome and their behaviour reflects that. It’s the adults that need to do better, both of them.

@MyOliveHelper what do you mean a child he should never have had?

Definitely.

You need to put yourself into the 10 year old shoes.
Their dad left, set up home with a new woman and has had 2 additionsl kids.
The poor child probably feels pushed out, they only see their dad eow and have to share him!

Your DP needs to stop being so wet. He needs to parent his child. Spend one on one time with his child. Show he loves them.

Take your dc out when dsc is there.. Go have fun. Shame their behaviour has them missing out... Does he actually parent all 3 dc together alone? Maybe he would insist on better behaviour then or it would be chaos..

Ignore the first wives club.

Didn't you know children are more important if their mum was talented enough to get pregnant first?

Of course you don't move out. And the bully needs to learn not to bully. It's that simple. Dad should see them out of the house until they can adopt the most basic of manners.

@MyOliveHelper I mean there's a 5 year gap between them I don't think it was too soon for him to have a second child and quite frankly not what I'm looking for advice on. Saying a child shouldn't be here, what a weird thing to say.

No you don't.ban a chikd from their dad's house. It's unfortunate that the younger child was conceived in such irresponsible circumstances but the dad has a commitment to them to meet. The only way he can father both kids now would be if he had his own space and could have them separately.

But the right thing to do for the children would be to live separately.

Short term keep them separate.

easiest way to do this (but with big impact on the family) is that if dsc is there for the weekend one day you and your joint dc are out and the next day dad and dsc are out.

it can be sold to both sets of kids as days out for the summer holidays and this way you get a chance to do things suitable for your age.

in the evenings, try to work on co-operating and doing activities together. To the extent you can, have both adults with the family and do games together with adults leading (eg parachute games, Jenga, similar) and massively praise (from dad) any positive behaviour.

very time intensive unfortunately

I didn’t realise the victim was the man’s child, I assumed the man was letting his child bully his SC because he didn’t give a shit about them and just wanted to be a Disney dad to his own child.

So ALL the kids are his? And yet he doesn’t protect his own child from being bullied? Nor does he parent his eldest child to not be a bully? And you have a 5 month old growing up in the middle of this shitshow as well. Phew.

That’s less than ideal.

LTB—he’s too weak to discipline his bully child.