Step child drama!

[child2025]

What would you do...

My DSC (10) is horrible to my DC (5) every time they are with us. Sometimes they get on but 9/10 it's arguments or nastiness.

Examples

• DC not allowed to touch DSC things but this doesn't go both ways.
• DC is never allowed to express themselves when playing, it's DSC way or no way.
• if other kids in family around DSC will leave DC out and belittle.
• DSC always snatching things from DC or dictating what they can or cannot do.

The way they speak to my DP is terrible, back chat, everything is NO, they are huffy and will cry if told off.
My DP has been in tears with it several times as he doesn't know what else to do.

We discipline and speak to DSC but nothing improves.

Absolutely at my wits end to the point it's breaking myself and DP as I do not stand for my DC to be bullied in their own home or have to change their behaviour to suit DSC twice a week 🫠

Well, v importantly, your dp's fear of setting firm boundaries leading to disconnection is completely wrong. It's the opposite! The dsc needs firm boundaries and to know the behaviour won't be tolerated! Perhaps dp needa support in this - parenting classes or another type of intervention. And meanwhile the 5yos boundaries should also be respected, around their possessions etc.

Is there any physical bullying?

Do you think your DSC does it because they are jealous of your DC? (Maybe feels replaced?)

@MakeItToTheMoon apart from the snatching things I haven't seen anything physical. I feel my DC would tell me if there was.
DSC could be feeling this way yes and it's something myself and DP have discussed however we do everything we can to stop them feeling left out. I'm from a broken family and I know what it's like going back and forth, I've spoken to DSC about this and they are adamant nothing is wrong (with us, with mum or with school). We do try. We talk openly and discipline so much that my DP worries about their relationship.

@HopscotchBanana what a crazy bunch imagine saying things like that. Appreciate your advice x

What do you mean by discipline? As it means different things to different people. Overly criticising, shaming or punishing could lead to disconnection. Firm 'no way José' boundaries don't bring this rupture in relationship. I do think your dp could do with some guidance here. I am a play therapist and I do parent consultations. V often things can be v much helped even without meeting the child, through the parent work. Someone similar nearby, or a parenting programme I think would be a good idea.

She may think all is OK and not consciously know what difficulties having but generally speaking, a happy and connected child doesn't behave like this. Lots of good books on firm boundaries too if either of you are readers.

I would try family therapy. Not sure what kind of therapist specifically but one experienced in step set ups probably.

You all need to get to the bottom of why DSC feels the need to act that way, and then work on that issue.

Cross post with @mikado1 Agree 💯

I wonder if your husband and DSC spend an hour or so together on the weekend maybe doing a hobby together. It might just give DSC the attention that they are craving.

When children get positive attention they generally improve their behaviour.

OP, did your DSC’s behaviour start to cause noticeable issues around the time you had (or became pregnant with) your 5-month old?

@TheAutumnCrow no it's been the past year or so.

@TheAutumnCrow just seen that said pregnant with 5 month old... maybe about half way through the pregnancy...

Hormones are racing for kids at that age and they are staring to truly understand relationships and how to work them.

youve clearly spoken with the step child, id suggest doing so agin. They are old enough to understand the impact of their actions and consequences in simple terms, so that’s what you spell out. They behave poorly they can expect a consequence but behave well then reward - not necessarily financially or with gifts but with time and activities either one on one or in a group.

have you checked with school and the mum about whether there the child is being bullied as the behaviours sound very controlling and it may be the child’s way of managing their emotions about other stuff going on.

Ignore the ridiculous suggestions that you should move out..these women are likely the bitter ex’s of men who have gone on to have a family elsewhere..simply do not tolerate this behaviour & if it continues then SC will be seen by father outside of your home but your DH needs to be the one to deal with it. I would firmly discipline this brat if they were like that with my kids

My DP has been in tears with it several times as he doesn't know what else to do.

What has he tried?

DSC needs boundaries more than he need a yes parent. DH needs to step up and set expectations and show the path to a normal family life.

That's an incredibly tricky situation. Your 5 year old absolutely deserves to feel safe in his own home (and if you didn't have shared children, the perfect option would be to live separately).

But I really feel for your stepson too. It's hard enough for him to see his dad live with his stepsibling, but to have a half sibling too is a lot for a little kid to process (given that your eldest is 5 I'm assuming this has all happened over less than 5 years?). From his point of view, his dad is living with these other children but not him. And now one of them gets to live with both their parents full time whilst he goes backwards and forwards... it's a tough pill to swallow.

At 10 he likely doesn't have the language or insight to fully understand and articulate how he feels about this set up or his role in the family. Challenging behaviour is an understandable response. The only thing I can think to suggest is as much 1:1 time with his dad as possible so that he feels secure and that you watch any interactions with your son like a hawk.

God, I hope you're not a stepparent (or that you ever have to watch your child deal with blended family dynamics).

I'm not a 'bitter ex' by the way... still happily married to my DCs dad.

Presumably you've started the process of finding somewhere else to live?

Every single time I come onto this site I see more and more that blended families do not work. It all sounds like a complete disaster to me.

If I were you, I’d be encouraging your DP to really think through the connection, and to talk to his elder DC about it bit-by-bit using age-appropriate language and expectations.

And yes, carry on with DP spending separate time with his elder DC and paying them plenty of attention, and really listening, for the time being, given that you say that no-one’s going anywhere.

It sounds a bit counterintuitive and I understand it might not be possible but can you have dsc a bit more often?

Having a bit more time with dad might make her feel a bit more secure with him and stop her feeling like she needs to compete with your dc

Im fact i am so fed up of saying these posts about 8 year old children causing so many problems in these cosy new families I think if the dad isn’t the resident parent he needs to keep his cock in his pants and parent the child he already has correctly. I am not bitter ex either just fed up of reading about little kids be demonised when they are shuffling from one house to the other.

Does your DP ever spend quality time on his own with his Ds?

I would say the boy is jealous. And why wouldn’t he be, watching his Dad live full time with a younger child, while he only visits.

He needs to know he is still his Dad’s big boy and very special. Time together just the two of them.

Maybe given special responsibilities, and grown up privileges, things the 5 yo is not allowed to do.

And his Dad to maybe talk to him about he feels.

All the time living his interactions with Dd.

Even in an intact family, very few 10yo are going to be happy with a 5yo getting into their things or trying to join in with older activities. The 10yo has a right to a bit of distance from a younger sibling and you should protect that. Not always, but not everything is appropriate for all ages.

your bigger issue though is that you decided to have children with a man who thinks eow makes him a decent parent. He barely sees his child and that child sees him spending all his time with an increasing number of new children. Then you are both surprised there are issues. He needs to spend more time with his child. Why isn’t he parenting more often? If she lived there more then she would feel like her siblings were actually siblings and not just people stealing her father.

I think that is a tricky age gap between half siblings. And it’s not a big one either.

10 year old needs their own space, their own bedroom, their own toys and things in there. That needs rectifying if it’s not happening already. They need toys only they are allowed to play with. They need a later bedtime than their younger siblings. More 1:1 time with dad, I bet he will notice a big change in behaviour as soon as that is allowed to happen.

Full siblings also fight and need separate time occasionally. To me it sounds like perhaps forced fun and playing happy families is what is expected but actually they may well need time apart. The younger children have their dad around all of the time and the 10 year old will know that and resent it if he’s only getting his dad EOW. Adjust your expectations, they may never be close.