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Original poster

Have I said the wrong thing to my 4 year old

65 replies

daisytuliprose · 08/05/2025 16:38

We’ve just got back from visiting my grandparents who are in their 90’s, we visit at least once a week so are really close to them, my grandad is rapidly deteriorating and spends most of his time asleep in bed and isn’t able to care for himself anymore. On the way home I said to my just turned 4 year old ‘I don’t think it will be long before grandad goes to live in heaven’. Her paternal grandmother passed away before she was born so we talk about her and heaven quite a bit in a positive way. My husband has just told me I shouldn't say things like that to her unless I have too. Should I have not made that comment to her given her age. From my point of view I want to be having open and honest conversations with her about real life topics in an age appropriate way from young. Please let me know if you think I was in the wrong.

OP posts:
Tulipsandtoast · 08/05/2025 17:00

Four year olds don’t have a great grasp of time so ‘not long’ might mean less than 5 minutes to a 4 year old. They’ll be used to hearing ‘not long’ until we leave the park etc. So they might ask when it will be, why it’s not happened yet.

Morningsleepin · 08/05/2025 17:02

I can't see what you said wrong. At that age children aren't frightened of death.

GettingFestiveNow · 08/05/2025 17:04

Also 4 year olds are liable to take what you say very literally. You might get questions like Where is heaven? When are they coming back? Let's go visit!

If you have to discuss death with small children you need to be really clear about what has happened/may happen, e.g. "died, which means their body has stopped working and we won't see them again."

I'm sorry for what you're going through x

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dairydebris · 08/05/2025 17:06

Do you believe in Heaven? If so yes of course it's fine.

SilenceInside · 08/05/2025 17:08

I think it's not wrong to talk about the possibility of your grandad dying, so I disagree with your DH that you shouldn't talk about it. However, I agree with the PP that you have to be careful about what you say and how you say it. Being very clear about what you mean is really important so that small children don't have any misunderstandings or worries about this kind of situation.

Original poster
daisytuliprose · 08/05/2025 18:33

Thanks for your comments, we have spoke regularly about dying, why her grandmother died, she was too poorly and her body was too tired for the doctors to be able to help ect. Also, I don’t believe it heaven that’s not to say my daughter won’t as well, how else do you talk about where people go once they die with a four year old?

OP posts:
Imicola · 08/05/2025 18:38

I tend to talking about the body returning to the soil when we talk about death. My DD is now 6 and she had a good understanding of what happens when someone dies I think. I agree with others that its important to be very clear and specific on this topic.

PlanetOtter · 08/05/2025 18:40

It’s confusing to talk about heaven if you don’t believe in it.

PP’s answer about ‘their body stopped working so we can’t see them anymore’ is roughly what we used when a family member died when DD was 4.

If they ask where they’ve gone - depending on how much they’re involved you can talk about burial etc.

SilenceInside · 08/05/2025 18:43

I wouldn’t talk about heaven if I don’t believe in it, in the same way as I wouldn’t say that someone is going to Elysium or Valhalla. I wouldn’t say that someone who has died has gone anywhere specific as that raises questions about where that place is and whether they can come back or be visited.

I think it’s ok to say that we don’t know about some things, and to say about what some people believe or hope happens.

Whippetlovely · 08/05/2025 18:52

I think your husband was right to be honest. When your grandparent actually dies then obviously you break it to them but what was the need to say it now? I don't think you should talk about heaven if you don't believe in it. Just explain what you think happens when you die. If your an atheist then some explanation that we all die, it's nothing to be affraid of and we get buried /cremated and think of all the nice memories with that person.

coxesorangepippin · 08/05/2025 18:58

Of course it's fine

SilviaSnuffleBum · 08/05/2025 19:53

Telling a 4 year old a saccharine story about Heaven if you don't believe in it doesn't exactly exemplify an 'open and honest conversation, does it?!
Keep it simple and specific.

Original poster
daisytuliprose · 08/05/2025 21:59

I don’t know when I was a child I was always told people ‘went to heaven’ when they died and it was a nice thought while I was young and innocent and didn’t know any better. I guess for me heaven means at peace even though I don’t believe in it being a tangible place.

OP posts:
Mossstitch · 08/05/2025 23:08

There is also the chance that she will say something inappropriate next time you see grandad........4 year olds aren't know for their tact and discretion 😉

RobertJohnsonsShoes · 08/05/2025 23:11

Don’t say things unless you have to. Surely if he’s dying this comes under the category of ‘have to’. You’re preparing her for what’s to come. He’s going to die and actually she has a relationship with him. When my dad died we started taking about it immediately in simple language that they understood. Bit different with us as he had 2 weeks from diagnosis to dying but I still think you’re right.

NuffSaidSam · 08/05/2025 23:14

I think this is fine, but the person you need to be checking in with isn't any of us or your DH, it's your DD.

Did she seem ok? If so then what you said was probably fine. If she was upset or confused then you haven't phrased it well.

CurlewKate · 09/05/2025 05:14

When my mother was dying, she told my dd that soon she would be going to be part of the earth and help the trees and flowers grow-and that was what happened to everyone in the end. I wish I could remember her exact words, but dd accepted the idea and reminded me of them when mum did die.

nameobsessed · 09/05/2025 05:27

Imicola · 08/05/2025 18:38

I tend to talking about the body returning to the soil when we talk about death. My DD is now 6 and she had a good understanding of what happens when someone dies I think. I agree with others that its important to be very clear and specific on this topic.

This! All of the facts but presented for a 4 year old. We aren’t religious so don’t do heaven, don’t fancy explaining hell either, but science that is easy to understand. Kids can understand a lot more than we give them credit for.

Love that you had that conversation with her though OP, I think it helps to prepare them.

McSpoot · 09/05/2025 05:30

I cannot tell from your post - was there conversation that prompted this, or did you just randomly say it?

WFHmutha25 · 09/05/2025 05:50

It's fine to talk about, but we did facts, not heaven.

Zeitumschaltung · 09/05/2025 06:31

CurlewKate · 09/05/2025 05:14

When my mother was dying, she told my dd that soon she would be going to be part of the earth and help the trees and flowers grow-and that was what happened to everyone in the end. I wish I could remember her exact words, but dd accepted the idea and reminded me of them when mum did die.

I told my four year old daughter that her grandfather’s atoms (she had been taught about atoms at school) went back into the universe to be part of other things. She understood it well.
Heaven and going to sleep and never waking up are not helpful if not already part of the child’s life.

SendBooksAndTea · 09/05/2025 06:33

I think what you said was perfect, we also prefer to be open about things like this. They happen so it's important to learn to be able to talk about it.

BlaBlaBla87436780087 · 09/05/2025 16:03

I also don’t think there’s a right or wrong - each child will receive / interpret death in different ways - plus when everyone is very emotionally stressed all you can do is your best x

Blackdow · 09/05/2025 16:20

If you’re not religious and aren’t raising your child in a religion then don’t say nonsense like going to Heaven. Just tell the truth. They’re dying; their body is too tired to carry on so they die and that means they’re not here with us anymore. If they ask what happens when you die you say that we don’t know.

Whyamiherenow · 09/05/2025 17:58

Someone will always have an opinion. They aren’t easy conversations for adults never mind children. When DH grandma died, after waiting some time for DH to do it (he didn’t) - I told our son that grandma had been very poorly and had died because her body was too broken to go on. I said that death means that you don’t see someone anymore but you can still remember them in your memories etc. She had cancer and I told him all along that grandma was going to die and this might be the last time we saw her so make sure to say goodbye and give a kiss etc (she had cancer).

DH mum thought my death explanation was literally the worst thing to say and that I should have told our son that grandma was now a star in the sky and looking down on him so he could go out and see her at night (a bit Disney lion king).

I am don’t believe in an after life and didn’t want to pass this on to my son.

If you believe in heaven and it brings you and your family comfort then your explanation is brilliant. It isn’t wrong to talk to children about illness and death. It is all a part of life.