Have I said the wrong thing to my 4 year old

[daisytuliprose]

We’ve just got back from visiting my grandparents who are in their 90’s, we visit at least once a week so are really close to them, my grandad is rapidly deteriorating and spends most of his time asleep in bed and isn’t able to care for himself anymore. On the way home I said to my just turned 4 year old ‘I don’t think it will be long before grandad goes to live in heaven’. Her paternal grandmother passed away before she was born so we talk about her and heaven quite a bit in a positive way. My husband has just told me I shouldn't say things like that to her unless I have too. Should I have not made that comment to her given her age. From my point of view I want to be having open and honest conversations with her about real life topics in an age appropriate way from young. Please let me know if you think I was in the wrong.

You were absolutely right to mention this in the context you did, it prepares you child for what will inevitably happen. Children are much more resilient than adults sometimes give them credit for and as long as you are prepared for some of the questions which will no doubt come (which it sounds like you already are) your honest conversation now will make things easier in the future.

You said nothing wrong. If I had to offer any modification, it would be to let your husband know that you were going to discuss this. I don't mean ask permission, just let him know before you talk to your daughter, just to give him a heads up. .

Honestly, anyone, man or woman, that thinks small children can't handle death have learned that from their parents or are afraid of the subject.

Children are insanely resilient and accepting. You are her parent. She will trust and listen to you. That trust demands that you be at your best. So as long as you are, keep on truckin.

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@daisytuliprose We spoke to ours about old age death at a similar age after their great grandfather passed. We said when people get older- maybe 100 years old or so (trying to keep it far away so as not to scare them), their bodies get old and worn out, like all things do eventually.

We talked about how wonderful it feels to go out for a special day, but how towards the end of the day we feel like we are done playing and we would like to leave now- and how when people become older they can feel the same way about their lives, that they have done everything and seen everything in their life they want to. That they feel tired a lot and like they are happy to go now, and then one day they slip peacefully away.

We talked about how noone knows what happens after death and some people believe we are born again as a new baby somewhere, or that we become part of the flowers and the trees, or that the dead go to heaven in the clouds and are watching over the people they loved.

We talked about how if there was no death they'd be no new life and no babies, or the Earth would be so full of all the people who ever lived they'd be no space to move. That its a cycle that allows for me and them to be born and have a turn on the Earth ourselves.

We talked about how when people are gone they are never really gone- as long as people remember them and talk about them they will stay with you always.

(I appreciate we've been fortunate that the only family deaths so far they have experienced have been great grandparents and elderly. But I think its helped to lay death out in a not scary way from around 4. They have never expressed worries about us or them dying, for example. It's also been a handy starting point for the 'are ghosts real' conversation which came a year or so later, as we could add it as another possibility for what some people think happens after death)

To talk generally is okay, same when someone has died. However I wouldn't have linked a living person with dying & going to heaven in a conversation with a four yr old.
The reason being at 4/5 kids definitely say exactly what they are thinking (no filter) and I'd be concerned she'd be asking "Are you going to heaven this week, mum says it's going to be soon.
Maybe it won't happen but that's why I wouldn't be trying to pre explain death of a family member.

My 5 year olds grandad died yesterday. We’ve had a close aunty and two cats die in his lifetime they are all in heaven. I don’t see the problem. He understands everyone dies but does not have the finality concept of it yet but does understand you can’t come back. I get that 4 is a lot younger but you can’t really shield them from death.

If I personally don't believe in something then no I wouldn't be saying it to my kids. However death was and isn't an unspoken subject and they know it's sadly part of life

I would only have said it when I was clear it really was the end to prepare her. I am agnostic- atheist (depends on my tolerance level on the day); I have no issue with god/ heaven on a par with Santa clause and Easter bunny which parents happily lie about.

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daisytuliprose We do believe in heaven, but when the DCs great grandma died and we went to the wake, I explained to DS2 (then 3) that we were going to put great grandma under the ground because she was dead, and he said "just like the dinosaurs"...so that could be another nice way to explain it to a very small DC. I think DS2 quite liked the idea of great grandma turning into a fossil.

My mother in law had a stroke and we thought she was dying imminently. I told my 5 year old she night die and go to heaven to make him ready and he took it really well. However she survived another 8 weeks and every week we were asked "is nana dead yet...". He couldn't get his head around her still being alive when I had said she was dying. But then when she went, he was really prepared for it which I think was helpful for him in the end. Really flipping awkward while she was still alive though

i used to talk to my son about how the worm becomes part of the bird when eaten, then the bird might become a cat if it gets eaten by one and so on, we just talked about how everything is always in a state of flux and we are all ex dinosaurs and clouds in waiting. He used to reflect on what he would like to become a part of one day. Now I have cancer and we have had to talk about death as a possibility, it’s been so helpful to have this shared, rational understanding which doesn’t rely on faith, we can both lean on it as hard as we need to

Ps your husband is wrong and you were right

So you don’t believe in heaven but you say that to your 4 year old??! Wtf

I think it's absolutely right to say what you did because it felt right to you at the time , I think it wouldn't have been ok if it was your husband's family.
My youngest was 4 when we lost my Grandma, he couldn't accept it , he was upset and angry . The headteacher said that visiting her at the chapel or rest , to take a picture or a letter if he didn't want to go into the room itself , but he wanted to . I am glad we went.
Children are very resilient and sometimes are very matter of fact about death , Nanny is on a cloud , my cat got too old so it lives in the sky , are all things that I have heard children say.
Best to prepare them , I hope you still have lots of time to enjoy times spent with family.

I understand that you want to prepare your child, but I agree with a PP that 4-year-olds have very little sense of time so I'm not sure that your DD will be able to comprehend what you mean by "it won't be long." Nor can she really grasp the concept of the permanence of death. She may say something like "After he's finished dying, can we visit him again?"

I definitely wouldn't introduce the idea of heaven if it's not something you believe in. I would tell her whatever it is you do believe in.

I'm sorry for what you are going through.

I have used the statement 'their body stopped working, and the Doctors couldn't help anymore', if my son questioned why someone in the family died. I also told him that he would no longer see that person. I have never gone down the 'heaven' route with my son, mainly because I'm not religious. Yes, children have to deal with death, regardless if it's human or a pet, but I don't think I'd have been trying to prepare a 4 year old, that her Great Grandfather might not have long left. Children don't understand time at that age, they don't understand death either or what it really means, so I think your statement would have gone completely over her head. When your Grandfather does eventually pass, you can talk about death and she'll understand more because she can relate your words to what she's experiencing.

I think you addressed the situation perfectly. You've given your DC a heads up that great grandad won't be around forever and talk of heaven is great for a small child even if you're not a believer. I assume most responders believe in supporting their child's belief in Santa, the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny so I don't see why heaven should be considered a step too far. All fantasy notions are about making the stark reality of life more digestible to children so no need to be too serious about belief systems at such an early age.

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too outing to say what happened.
but my mum was left deeply upset at age of 62, when she knew she had a life limiting condition but no one else other than me did, and a young relative of mine age 3 blurted out something innocently repeating the words of her mother who had a health care workers attitude to life and death …my mum was left profoundly upset, and had ramifications for my young relatives mum for years in terms of her relationship with my mum and dad.

kids have habit of repeating what their parent say…be careful. Even at that age no one wants to think realtives are eating till they die.

Even four year olds pick up on what's going on around them and its good that you spoke to her directly about it.
When DC's great grandmother died and had a big funeral, my youngest told me on the way to school one morning that they'd like to hold the service for their siblings when they died!... they were six/seven! I had no idea they'd taken it all in so much. But they obviously had picked up on all the conversations that had been going around and wanted to talk about it.

Be careful though. Children are very resilient becuase they’ve not developed emotional empathy or very much emotional control at all.
they might take it in their stride at that age.
but if they blurt out those thoughts and words to elderly relative, the elderly realtives spouse etc, it will not be so easily taken in the older person stride
contrary to what may think, even at age of 90 many people can’t cope with their imminent and inevitable death, they’re terrified. They don’t want to think about it. It’s why so many don’t write wills, or give realtives any idea about funeral arrangments.
people don’t want to be slapped about the face with words out of innocent babes mouths of their imminent mortality.
in hte words of oft quoted “it’s not what you say, or how you say it, it’s how you make people feel”…what older peop,e feel hearing an innocent child say this is “that’s their parent talking, their parent wants me dead”
not great. Not comforting. Not conducive to taking it in their stride.

Why did you?

I really can't understand why you would speak to a 4 year old regularly about death, neither would I have said anything untill it happens you will be causing your child constant worry if your talking about it regularly.

I think it was a bit of a risky move. Not because you'll scar your child for life with talk of death. But rather because, if your daughter is anything like I was at 4 (mouth the size of the Mersey Tunnel), I'd have gone straight in the next visit and bawled to all and sundry, "Is he still here? I thought you said he was about to die!"

Im sorry to hear about your cancer and wish you well. I like the way you explained death to your child. It makes it seem peaceful and we are all part of everything. I do believe in an afterlife / God but I don't want to force any particular ideas on my child. My Mil died recently and my son (6) was asking lots of questions. I left it open, he said will she come back, I think she will come back as something else. I said ow that sounds nice, maybe we aren't really sure what happens when you die people have many different beliefs. Maybe she's in heaven, maybe her consciousness has gone into the universe. He said ow what if she's gone to yaknow... (he meant hell but didn't want to say it)! I said I don't think so. Truthfully we don't know where she's gone but it's nothing to be affraid of and she loved you very much. We've even had conversations about the simulation theory and multiverse in the past. Interestingly both my children have had dreams where she came and told them she loved them, my 13yo said it was so real she felt like it was really a message from her. I said that's really lovely.