Have I said the wrong thing to my 4 year old

[daisytuliprose]

We’ve just got back from visiting my grandparents who are in their 90’s, we visit at least once a week so are really close to them, my grandad is rapidly deteriorating and spends most of his time asleep in bed and isn’t able to care for himself anymore. On the way home I said to my just turned 4 year old ‘I don’t think it will be long before grandad goes to live in heaven’. Her paternal grandmother passed away before she was born so we talk about her and heaven quite a bit in a positive way. My husband has just told me I shouldn't say things like that to her unless I have too. Should I have not made that comment to her given her age. From my point of view I want to be having open and honest conversations with her about real life topics in an age appropriate way from young. Please let me know if you think I was in the wrong.

She probably doesn't believe in Father Christmas either. Or the Tooth Fairy.

Completely stupid thing to say to a 4 year old, what if she asks him next time she's there - "when are you going to heaven ? Mummy told me it might be soon...."

Given that he's in his 90's and no longer able to look after himself I doubt it will come as a surprise to him that he doesn't have long left!

I don't think there is anything wrong about talking about him not having long to live but framing it as he is going to heaven is very strange when you don't believe.

Does that make him deaf and stupid also? Shame on you.....

No, quite the opposite. I'm sure he knows he doesn't have long left. He isn't going to be shocked by that conversation. Unless he's suffering with dementia he'll be thinking about it/talking about it too.

People die. You're going to die. I'm going to die. It's not shameful to talk about it. What an odd view of the world.

I do think you have to be clear about what you mean with kids otherwise they do get confused. I remember my grandad dying and listening to my mum talking about his ashes, I asked her what ashes were and she told me they were what he left behind when he died. The night she told me this I had a bad dream that my grandad was dead on the kitchen table with ashes leaking out all over the floor.

What a weird way to look at it. Do you not have any very elderly people in your life?

She might ask grandma on next visit " has grandad gone to heaven yet?" Or, mummy said grandad is going to heaven soon" which wouldn't be nice for your grandparents to hear. Best to talk about these things after.

I’m generally interested in how to talk about this subject with my daughter. Both my parents have died and my dad passed away very suddenly about a month before she was born. Over the last year she’s started asking me where my mummy or my daddy is. I’ve tried it to explain it to her in lots of different ways but the question keeps coming up. (Although not in the last couple of months). She turned 3 in february. I think its right to have these conversations and I dont think there is anything with what you said but i think at that age, children who havent yet experienced the death of someone they know just don’t really understand what it means

This is beautiful. Wishing you strength also

I really don't think there is anything wrong with saying something like this.

My husband's father was at home in hospice care with us, and at some point, I had to stop my dd (3) to go into his room. She knew he was sick (house was filled with nurses and doctors for a month), but of course, she didn't know what that meant. I told her often - " Yes, he is sick, but soon he will go to heaven to see his friends, and he will be feeling better there."

I wouldn't have discussed ECT with a 4yo!

Sorry you are potentially dealing with the loss of your grandad, OP. I think answer questions factually - kids can often handle it more than we think!

I don’t think I’d have gone so far as to mention death unless the child brought it up herself. I would have pointed out to her that grandpa was very old and unable to do all the things he used to do. At some point she would probably have asked if he was going to die and then you could have given an honest answer. Nor do I think it a good idea to mention heaven if you don’t believe yourself. That’s just storing up awkwardness for the future.

I don't think it's so terrible and you did it with the best intentions. But if your daughter repeats it in the presence of granddad or starts asking further questions, that may be upsetting for other people present. I think it's OK to acknowledge that granddad is very poorly and maybe that's enough.