WWYD? Miss daughters birthday for work? Honest opinions welcome!

[Jessthemess1]

Hi All

I am majorly torn and want honest opinions if I should miss my daughter's 5th birthday for a work trip.

For context I started a new career 2 years ago in events and it is the first job in my whole life I have ever enjoyed. Part of the job description is occasional international travel. The last two work trips I have missed completely or partially for various reasons. The next one is over my daughter's birthday, my husband is supportive and has encouraged me to go as we have a new CEO and I do not want to be perceived as always unable to commit to my role however, obviously I feel incredibly guilty at the thought of it.

Part of me thinks I should once again miss some of the trip to stay for her birthday then head out for the end of the event but this is supposed to be my area of the project and that feels wrong to my lovely colleagues then on the other hand if you asked my daughter when is your birthday she would simply say the month and not know the date so that makes me think shall we just celebrate before I leave or on my return as she will not know?

Just pure bad luck that the next trip after this one will be our company's biggest event and will be taking place over my husband's 40th birthday next year! 😢

Feel awful opinions or advice welcome.

If they are five, they are likely to be at school on their birthday. Why would they be heartbroken if you were away?

My husband has missed several of my kids’ birthdays and has never given it much thought. He only travels if it’s needed and it’s a priority for his work so if the dates are unfortunate there’s nothing to do about it.

maybe start a family tradition of a Birthday week so if this happens again you have a way to still celebrate. Do a fancy birthday at the start of the week, her favourite tea the next day etc. Then a party when you get back.

I don’t think you can miss three trips in a row as this is part of your job and you agreed to it. If the travel keeps being a problem you need a different job.

Because I’d prefer to spend time with my daughter on her birthday than be away for work if I had the option. I also wouldn’t want my daughter to be disappointed. I appreciate not everyone will have the option re work, plus everyone places different emphasis on the importance of their career which is completely fine. But that’s just what I’d do to answer op’s question. Obviously per this post I’m in the minority 🤣
plus I’d just feel really odd not seeing her tbh

I’m surprised so many people think a five year old won’t know if you move her birthday - do they genuinely not know their birthday? Or have calendars on the wall at school? Never in a million years could I have pulled off that deception with either of mine!

does your dh feel the same?

@TillyTrifleof course five year olds know when their birthday is - it’s something they look forward to for ages and it’s a really big thing for them. My daughter would have been heartbroken if I’d not been there for a birthday at that age. Celebrating it on another day isn’t the same.

Go on the trip. Have a second event to mark your five year old's birthday. Your DH can celebrate with her on the day.

Explained in a positive way, using other examples of where a parent cannot be there (armed forces maybe), it can be turned into a positive and the beginnings of a lesson for life.

Go! Your daughter can enjoy two separate celebrations. Life is complex, it is all about how you address it.

I moved DS2s birthday so it could be celebrated before his dad went away and not on a school day - similar age - he has no idea .

Yes for sure he does, but even if he didn’t have the same view as me it doesn’t matter as I’m entitled to my own view 😂 and so is the OP

I would go, not ideal but no need to complicate it i would just make a fuss before and after

Absolutely go - tell her her birthday is the day after you get back / day before you go then just let the actual day pass without comment so Mummy isn’t missing anything as nothing is happening!

Pretend her birthday is the weekend before and she won't know any different.

Do 5 year olds know what date it is? Is it something they use at school?

Genuine question as I have a baby and haven't been in school myself for a long time 🤣

If they do know what date it is, that changes my opinion. I don't think I would leave my child when they know it's their birthday.

Go on the trip. Don't be that one who also ways has an excuse.
Your daughter can have a lovely daddy-daughter treat and then a family celebration when you get home. She will love it.
Have a great trip!

Yes, children do know the date in school. In my daughter’s class, each child got to hold a toy birthday cake while the rest of the class sang ‘happy birthday’. But I don’t think a child needs to be going to school to know when their birthday is approaching - they understand about birthdays way before then.

My kids' school has all the birthdays on the wall in Reception. My DS likes numbers, so would look and comment on other children's birthdays (Peter's birthday is 2 days after mine, lots of people have birthdays in May). Other children may be less aware, but the teachers tend to mark it.

Lots of children of school age celebrate away from their birthday. In my house it’s normal to have a birthday tea on the day. A birthday party at a weekend. Then a nice celebratory dinner/ gift when we go visit older relatives.

Everyone’s different. I wouldn’t want to miss my daughter’s birthday. Love my job but I always like to be there for my kids on their birthday mornings to make a massive fuss and set up their presents and balloons. We’re all different though. Your call.

Of course you have to go on the work trip. A job you enjoy is a precious thing, and ultimately you will be modeling something very positive for your daughter.

I would go on the work trip and either celebrate birthday before the trip or once back which ever was closer to Dds birthday.

I think it would be totally different if you hadn’t already missed two events. If this is the job you want, these are the tradeoffs. Something will happen again (school assembly or sports day or whatever) and you’ll again have to decide. If attending all your child’s milestones is important to you, this job isn’t a good fit. I won’t apply for any job involving travel for this reason, but that doesn’t mean either of us are wrong or right - just that you need to decide what you want.

The reality is very different from theoretical. Its easy to say that you or the child would be too upset, but if its your actual job and there's no way around it... you make it work. DDs never got upset about it as it wasn't made out to be a big deal, just that they got their celebrations spread out. The only one they really remember is when we got up at 6am for birthday cake for breakfast before DH left on DDs 8th birthday.

I’ve reflected on this thread over night as I had a couple of odd messages just because I said I’d rather spend my Birthday with my daughter than be at work (I genuinely really would - why’s that’s a bad thing?!?! I like spending time with her and her feelings are important).

However these questions are never straight forward. Different women need to work for different reasons (financial reasons, mental health, personal satisfaction as a small example). I am lucky that I don’t need to work for any of those reasons, plus my job is flexible.

Because of this I don’t think these questions have a one size fits all so the OP needs to do what is best for her and her family, and I’ll continue to do what’s best for me and my family.

I do find some of the comments very strange saying dc won’t know it’s their birthday. They will 😂

Thank you everyone for your input, I appreciate all opinions. However, I must admit I do feel relieved the majority think I should go and I am not being perceived as a witch! Haha! The trip is in October, and she will have only just started school in the September, so I am not sure what the deal is with birthday celebrations at her new school. That being said she genuinely does not know the date of her birthday she is more of a letters girl than numbers she knows her birthday is in October but I don't think it really occurs to her about the actual date as she is just more interested in a party and presents. My DH made the point that if he had to be away for one of the kid's birthday's he would have to go and most likely it would not be much of a debate, and I hate to admit he is right there is still a lot of double standards when it comes to working mothers.

After some discussion with my husband and my lovely supportive family we have decided I will go. The next decision will be do we move the date or do two celebrations I try really hard to be honest with my kids and like a few of you have said if we discuss it before hand and she knows what is happening then I am sure it will be fine and most likely like you have said enjoy all the extra celebrations. Will she throw it back in my face when she is 16? Probably but we can cross that bridge when we come to it!!