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Original poster

Devastated ove daughter’s break up

91 replies

Salvcx · 05/05/2025 16:21

My 19 year old daughter’s boyfriend broke up with her a couple of nights ago. They have been going out since she was 17. I honestly thought or hoped they would go all the way. He was such a nice person and they had a great relationship. This news has come out of the blue and completely devastated me, and I just feel really overwhelmed with grief. I want to be strong for my daughter, so hiding my feelings from her, hence speaking about this on here. I am upset for my daughter and can’t bear that she is heartbroken but I also feel like I’ve lost a son.
Has anyone else gone through similar and any advice on how to cope.

OP posts:
Original poster
Salvcx · 05/05/2025 17:00

Exactly that, it’s human nature to build a relationship and grow fond of someone that is going out with your daughter, because you want to make that person feel welcome in your home. I’m pretty strong normally, but I think it’s just because I know the pain my daughter is going through as well.

OP posts:
Riverbananacarrot · 05/05/2025 17:06

I broke up with my first boyfriend at 18, was together for 2 years but we were heading in different directions. I was more torn about losing contact with his family than him. And his mum made me feel ok about it she messaged me after to say she was sorry for the breakup and she isn't upset or anything with me...

This happened over 20 years ago and I don't remember his reaction when we broke up but I will always remember how his mum treated me. She was a lady in every sense of the word

But I'll be honest you need to be there for your daughter and not worry about yourself.

Whatsgoingonherethenagain · 05/05/2025 17:11

Dh married his first wife because he got on really well with her family.

that didn’t work out well.

thinking a child’s boyfriend at 17 will be in your life forever seems daft to me. Surely you want them to find the right person, try on a few before settling down?

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19 years old Families
Zov · 05/05/2025 17:21

Please don't tell her how you feel @Salvcx It won't help! My friend's DD recently left her partner (together for 13 years/married for 3, met at 18,) for another man, and my friend is upset because her DD is acting like her ex didn't exist. (And she cared about him a lot/thought of him as a son.) It's like he's been deleted from her life!

Every photo gone off Facebook and Instagram of them both, her DD's surname changed back even though they're not divorced yet, moved into a 2 bed house within 1 week of ending it, (clearly was planned for a while,) and she moved in the new man a few weeks later.

They are off to Morocco together next week for 2 weeks. Such a lovebomb and such an intense relationship so quickly. They only met in January (apparently!) The DD said her ex and her had nothing in common, they met in their teens and she 'settled' as he was her first boyfriend, and she thought this is as good as it gets... They are now in their early 30s, and he bores her, and is obsessed with sport/cycling/football...

She has moved on/grown up between 18 and 31, but he hasn't. He wouldn't even move more than a mile away from his mum and dad. (And he - and sometimes her too - went to their house twice a week, and his mum and dad popped around twice a week too... So he saw them FOUR times a week, and she saw them three times a week sometimes. (At least twice every week.) My friend only got to see her DD and her DD's husband twice monthly! SAnd one of them was when she visited them. They only came once a month! And she lives/lived 10 miles away from them.) And they always went to see his gran every Wednesday for 'tea.' Whether my friend's DD wanted to or not.

She wanted to move to the city 20 miles away. She said her life was on hold for 13 years. He didn't want children, and she did, and the had sex once every 3-4 months. (Why do I know so much? Because she is very open about it all.)

tl;dr Your daughter will be much happier not sticking with someone she doesn't love/care about any longer. Better than not realising she's wasting her time (and her life) for 13 years, at the age of 31 ... Like my friend's daughter. She does seem much happier with the new man, but it has moved verrrrry fast! Oh, and my friend sees her DD more often now - like weekly... (She visits her every 2 weeks, and her daughter visits in between, sometimes with her new man, sometimes not.)

zoemum2006 · 05/05/2025 17:27

I understand completely how you feel. Last summer my daughter's boyfriend broke up with her completely out of the blue while we were on holiday. There had been no warning signs and she was completely heartbroken. I found it to be agonising that she was going through something and I couldn't take her pain away (no more kissing boo boos to make it better!!).

All I could do was be there for her as much as she wanted me to be.

We don't want our children to ever feel pain but unfortunately that's how they grow (just as we did!)

Bumdrops · 05/05/2025 17:27

I get how you are feeling OP - I experienced this after my DC’s first serious relationship
the boyfriend became like a part of the family, and it was a huge wrench when they broke up, I protected my DD from my heartache as it shouldn’t have factored into it AT ALL,
it gets easier ! But it’s really hard for a while, pushing all those feelings of loss away !!

Marmiteontoastgirlie · 05/05/2025 17:29

I think it’s so normal for you to feel sad, but please know that all of my friends who stayed with and married teenage relationship bar one couple are now divorced. On balance, I would be happy that my daughter was going to experience growth and dating and adventure through her 20s rather than stay with someone she met when she was 17. Even if it’s rightfully sad right now there are so many upsides for her!

HamieandHave · 05/05/2025 17:31

I have read similar posts. It’s weird that you are overwhelmed with grief tbh. A massive over reaction.

the only thing I have ever felt when the DC went though break ups was empathy.

Mischance · 05/05/2025 17:43

I have 3 adult DDs and you do get attached to their boyfriends if they are good ones. You welcome them in and they become like part of the family ... OP ... you are allowed to feel sad too, while supporting your DD.

Franpie · 05/05/2025 17:50

I can’t get my head around you hoping that your DD stayed with her BF from 17 for the rest of her life! And I say that as someone who is very happily married in my mid-40’s and met my DH when I was 19.

Personally, I would be gutted if my DD ended up marrying her teenage BF, regardless of how nice they were. There’s a whole world out there and plenty of fish in the sea.

andweallloveclover · 05/05/2025 17:51

My DD split with her first boyfriend last year. He was honestly such a lovely guy and liked by the whole family. So I did feel a little sad that it had ended. But mostly for her as she was devastated at the time and it was so hard for us to see her in so much pain. I do feel your reaction is somewhat extreme.

I do understand to some extent though. When you welcome them into your home they become like family. Our daughters boyfriend had been for Christmas and been on holidays with us and I did think they seemed so right for each other. So it does feel strange when the break up happens. But I wasn't overly upset or anything as its just part of life. People come and people go.

She started Uni in September last year and has since been seeing her current boyfriend and they are falling in love and its so nice to witness. She is happier than ever. We really like him too. Will this one last? Who knows, but for now we welcome him into our home and lives just like we did the first. We will continue to do so until she meets 'the one'.

Original poster
Salvcx · 05/05/2025 17:53

zoemum2006 · 05/05/2025 17:27

I understand completely how you feel. Last summer my daughter's boyfriend broke up with her completely out of the blue while we were on holiday. There had been no warning signs and she was completely heartbroken. I found it to be agonising that she was going through something and I couldn't take her pain away (no more kissing boo boos to make it better!!).

All I could do was be there for her as much as she wanted me to be.

We don't want our children to ever feel pain but unfortunately that's how they grow (just as we did!)

This is so true. Thank you for sharing. I am here for my daughter 100 percent just want her pain to go away, and come through the other side. It’s true this is something we have been through too, it’s just different when you see it as a a parent happen to your child because your instinct is to protect your child from hurt.

OP posts:
TheCurious0range · 05/05/2025 17:57

This is completely over the top, this is good news she's had a healthy first relationship, it hasn't worked out, at 19 she can live her life and see the world entirely on her terms, so when she does settle down she can be content in doing so. I hope DS doesn't end up with the partner he has as a teenager!

Iloveeverycat · 05/05/2025 18:06

HotCrossBunplease · 05/05/2025 16:31

Surely you would not have wanted her to marry a boy she had started dating at 17? Don’t you have any ambition for her to experience all that life has to offer?

Me and DH got together at 16 been together 44 years now. Nothing wrong with meeting your future husband young.

incognito50me · 05/05/2025 18:10

Salvcx · 05/05/2025 17:00

Exactly that, it’s human nature to build a relationship and grow fond of someone that is going out with your daughter, because you want to make that person feel welcome in your home. I’m pretty strong normally, but I think it’s just because I know the pain my daughter is going through as well.

Your daughter and you will both heal from this this.

My DD's first boyfriend (together 18 months) broke up with her. She had not expected it. I had liked him a lot and thought I would miss him a lot. But really, he was the one who broke up with my daughter, so I did not end up missing him all that much. I went through anger and sadness, and finally accepted it. I, like you, kept my sadness and anger from my daughter, it would not have been fair in any way to make it about my feelings.

I think she now remembers this relationship fondly - all in all, a positive outcome.

Original poster
Salvcx · 05/05/2025 18:21

incognito50me · 05/05/2025 18:10

Your daughter and you will both heal from this this.

My DD's first boyfriend (together 18 months) broke up with her. She had not expected it. I had liked him a lot and thought I would miss him a lot. But really, he was the one who broke up with my daughter, so I did not end up missing him all that much. I went through anger and sadness, and finally accepted it. I, like you, kept my sadness and anger from my daughter, it would not have been fair in any way to make it about my feelings.

I think she now remembers this relationship fondly - all in all, a positive outcome.

Show quote history

aww thank you for sharing, and it’s so good to hear your daughter is on the other side and it was a positive outcome in the end. Hope ours will be similar too.

OP posts:
Motheranddaughter · 05/05/2025 18:23

Sorry but I find that very odd
Apart from anything else why would you want to want her to settle at her age

TellySavalashairbrush · 05/05/2025 18:31

Some of these reactions make me so angry. Why can’t people can’t grieve when their children’s partner is no longer in the picture. Only a hardened person would not notice if the person who had been visiting their home regularly and in a long relationship with their adult child was no longer around.
I was very sad after my dd ended her relationship with a man she was engaged to. He became like a son to be me to be honest. Of course it was her decision and I respected it completely but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t be sad for a while.
my best friend wishes to you and your daughter. Time does help is all I can say.

HamieandHave · 05/05/2025 18:33

TellySavalashairbrush · 05/05/2025 18:31

Some of these reactions make me so angry. Why can’t people can’t grieve when their children’s partner is no longer in the picture. Only a hardened person would not notice if the person who had been visiting their home regularly and in a long relationship with their adult child was no longer around.
I was very sad after my dd ended her relationship with a man she was engaged to. He became like a son to be me to be honest. Of course it was her decision and I respected it completely but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t be sad for a while.
my best friend wishes to you and your daughter. Time does help is all I can say.

You are angry because people think grief is an over reaction?

I would suggest you have an issue with your emotions.

Sassybooklover · 05/05/2025 18:37

To be honest, there aren't many youngsters these days who start dating a lad at 17, and are still together at 25, let alone 30 (of course there are always exceptions). So, I think you were expecting way too much for this relationship. Your daughter is young, she needs to experience what life has to offer, rather than tying herself down too soon. Yes, I understand you liked the young man, which is good, but you have accept the situation for what it is. Your daughter will be heartbroken, and needs your support but she will recover and go on to meet someone else. Our priorities, needs and desires change a huge amount between 18-30 years of age. What someone wants at 18, might be vastly different at 28.

RosesAndHellebores · 05/05/2025 18:37

Salvcx · 05/05/2025 17:00

Exactly that, it’s human nature to build a relationship and grow fond of someone that is going out with your daughter, because you want to make that person feel welcome in your home. I’m pretty strong normally, but I think it’s just because I know the pain my daughter is going through as well.

I'm sorry, but I don't think it is. They are teenagers. Their relationships.are rightly transient. You establish boundaries and take young love with a pinch of salt.

Your dd is far too young to be in a serious, long term relationship. She needs, and you should want her to, spread her wings and learn to fly solo, kiss some frogs and be free to find herself and have fun.

dontunderstandguys · 05/05/2025 19:18

My daughter’s first bf (both 15) broke up with her yesterday and I was sad - sad for her seeing her hurting so much and not being able to take the pain away and sad as I really liked him and enjoyed him coming to the house and now he won’t.

Obvs as they are so young I knew this would happen but it was still a shock that out of the blue it has. Ok so we move on but we are allowed to feel what we feel.

So I get it.

suburburban · 05/05/2025 19:20

Yanbu I was very upset years’ ago when my dd broke up with her bf, his parents were acquaintances etc and I knew the family well

redcord · 05/05/2025 19:30

I am upset for my daughter and can’t bear that she is heartbroken but I also feel like I’ve lost a son.

Get angry. How bloody dare he make her so upset?! He does not want to be with your lovely girl? So therefore he is a fool and an idiot. He doesn't love her. Lucky her that she is free to find someone who truly will. You are on her side, not his. So stop being so wet, channel your inner tiger mum and don't let him live rent-free in your head. He definitely doesn't deserve it!

Livpool · 05/05/2025 19:32

LittleBearPad · 05/05/2025 16:29

You haven’t lost a son. Don’t be dramatic

Exactly!

I actually find this offensive on behalf of my MIL whose son was killed when he was a teenager