Four year old unkind to children he doesn’t know

[onlymsrabbit]

I don’t know what to do about this.

My DS is fine at nursery, has a nice group of friends and seems popular. No concerns from nursery.

If I’m at a park or soft play with him though, he can be really unkind to other children, randomly pushing them over or kicking. I don’t understand why and he won’t tell me either.

What do you do when he’s unkind in those kind of situations?

And what are the consequences of his behaviour?

Leave, usually, but it doesn’t make any difference.

Is it made clear that you're leaving because of the unkind behaviour?

I would say so. I don’t really understand it, it isn’t that he doesn’t get on with other children so I don’t know why he’s unkind randomly. It isn’t every time we go somewhere but it happens a lot. And leaving makes no difference (and means my other child misses out.) I’m at a loss to be honest.

When you leave do you tell him why? And do you let him know that you’re disappointed in his behaviour? Tell him it’s unacceptable? ie do you actually tell him off?

“leaving makes no difference (and means my other child misses out.)”

So don’t leave. Remove your child from the situation and make him sit with you for “time out” - maybe five minutes to start with - and make it clear that this is the consequence of being unkind to other children: that he loses the privilege of being able to play. At four, he’s old enough to understand that he wouldn’t like it if other children did this to him, and it’s not OK for him to do it to them.

Then you need to be firmer.
"Until you can play like your sibling without hurting other children, you can sit with me a d watch everyone else have all the fun."

You mentioned it happens randomly. Could he possibly be overstimulated? Hungry/tired perhaps?

If leaving makes no difference, it’s not a suitable consequence. You need to talk with him about how his behaviour impacted the other child, take him over to apologise to them, and make him sit out and not play while his sibling does.

It sounds like you aren’t correcting the behaviour and asking him to repair it with the other child (children learn from the repair efforts), and then you’re just running away instead of staying and expecting him to learn from what happened and improve his behaviour.

The reason is completely irrelevant to how the situation should be handled. An overstimulated child behaving violently towards other children needs the same swift punishment as a child doing it for any other reason than defensive retaliation (which of course still needs handling but in a different manner).

I have tried to but he just won’t. That’s when things get elevated to leaving. I have to admit I am now in the mindset there isn’t much that will work. Because he will hurt other children if he can get away with it and it just seems to be part of his personality.

But knowing the triggers helps you and the child avoid the reaction you feed first, provide calm down or rest times before hand seek a quiet area to retreat too etc. 4 year olds need support in understanding why they do things and how to make better choices.

Op look at what happens before his outbursts....is it at set times? Is he over tiered? Too many around him? Struggling to keep up? Feeling ignored by others? Is he looking for your attention?
It can be really hard to find a trigger but worth looking for.

I agree with @jannierit is worth knowing what is triggering the behaviour. So if he is fine at nursery he might feel overwhelmed in a public space. I’d keep talking to him about how he’s feeling or what is happening. When my DD was little and pushed another child I would remove her from the situation entirely and say - I can’t let you hurt other children. She’s very compliant generally so I knew it was a bit of a stress reaction. It happened rarely and after a few months, never.

Honestly I have wracked my brains and there isn’t one. Sometimes it’s kind of understandable (it was hot, he wasn’t feeling well) other times it isn’t.

He doesn’t respond to me at all.

I feel our relationship is really breaking down, maybe it already has.

I have a 3-and-a-half-year-old DD, most of the time she wants to make friends with kids she meets.

However, there was one time she took an instant dislike to a girl at a play area (no idea why) she didn’t touch her, but kept saying she didn’t want to play with her. We did leave and I still don’t understand why she reacted that way.

All you can do is tell him its not very nice and its hurting the other child feelings. It is strange it happens often, but it makes you wonder if he taking his frustration/tirdness out on the other kids.He is old enough that you could say to him, if you dont play nice then we wont go to soft play etc.

Aggression can result from anxiety, uncertainty, overexcitement or fear.

Softplay is a stressful environment, it's bright, noisy and unpredictable. Nursery will be much more familiar with established ground rules.

Stop taking him to soft play for now as he can't cope.

You're also asking a young child 'why?'. This is impossible for him to answer.

Obviously you must give a consequence if he does do something like push, but the better thing to do is adjust your habits so he isn't put in that position in the first place. Try again in six months or a year.

Thank you but it isn’t just at soft play. He shoved a child at a pond yesterday.

And we do have to do some things and go to some places, before anyone suggests we move into a monastery!

He's four. Kindly, your 'relationship isn't breaking down'.

How did the parent of the other kid react at the pond??

@coxesorangepippin , that’s not helpful.

It feels as if it is breaking down. I can’t talk to him or reach him, there is a wall there. I didn’t ask why, either. The other parent was OK about it as I was very apologetic; the other child was very wary of him after that though. Not really sure that’s relevant though, to be honest.

What were you - specifically the parent - doing before he pushed? How close were you, how interactive were you, how were you overseeing his interaction?

You need to change something to prevent him getting to the point of hitting.

Either stop taking him, or be right next to him and keep him engaged with you.

@verycloakanddaggers I was stood very close to him; the other girl ran up to him and he shoved her, hard (she fell backwards.)

I guess all we can do is stay home, then.

Thats not realistic. You should take some of the good advice on here as letting it go unchecked is not an option.