Teenage son has no friends

[Nmeag]

My son is 18. He is honestly such a nice young man. Really friendly and upbeat and always positive however I have come to realise that he has no good friends. He is finishing school this week for study leave, no uni plans but hopes to pursue an apprenticeship. The issue for me is he floats between groups, anyone he is good friends with (2 boys) seem to have social anxiety and won't go out for any social reasons and rarely attend school so I wonder how good of friends they are. Then anyone else seems to forget he exists, he's never invited anywhere and spends his time working in his part time job or at home with us. I feel he's missing out on the social side of things and I know it's annoying him but I can't force people to be his friend. I can think of no genuine reason why he is not included other than he's not sporty so not in the clique and not seen as cool. He has just come home from school and said he spent £120 on teacher presents as everyone had chipped in among friendship groups for gifts and he hadnt realised/been asked and he went and spent his own money on a single present from him for several members of staff. Then at lunch everyone went off together in their cars and he was left to go to subway alone. It's not a nice way to spend your last proper day at school after 7 years in the place. I feel so sad for him and angry. I'm not sure what my question is but has anyone else ever had this with their teens? We live in a rural area so he has limited options to increase his circle/experiences. I'm wondering should I encourage uni to change his scenery but we have been so against it due to fees but he needs to live as well.

Try joining venture scouts, or cadets, or a drama group

Oddly cold replies on this thread so far.

sounds like he’s a lovely young man OP, obviously I don’t know him or his dynamic with how he interacts with his peers, but I would say from my own experience being the odd one out growing up that I didn’t have much self confidence to put myself out there more. Does he try to stand out within groups at all?

certain personalities seem to favour being popular, and those who aren’t as outgoing or naturally charismatic can be cast out at times, but I’m sure he’ll find his group eventually. University would be good for the social side definitely, but I’d say that would only be good if he knew exactly what he wanted from uni in general

is he interested in any extra curricular activities OP? What are his interests and hobbies?

What apprenticeship does he want to apply for? Some open as early as Oct/Nov of the previous year if he's looking at degree apprenticeships, and they are highly competitive because many people don't want to pay fees.

So if he's looking for degree apprenticeships then I would really recommend he gets onto it now, has lots of relevant extra curriculars, (hopefully) really good predicted grades, a really good CV/cover letter tailored to each application, applies to as many places as possible, researches the companies he applies to, prepares and practices interview questions.

DS applied to around 30 places and after lots of interviews and rejections got an apprenticeship last March, started September and is loving it. He had no friends at secondary school either.

Tell him how proud you are of him, give him back the £120 if you can afford it and help him with researching and preparing for apprenticeships if that's what he wants. He can put school behind him now except for the exams, an apprenticeship may be better that uni for making friends because uni can be as cliquey as school IME.

What a cruel comment.

I’m sure he is a lovely person, he just hasn’t found his tribe yet. Maybe he’s a bit socially awkward or shy.

Your son sounds lively.
It can be a case of just not finding the right group.
My son had a hard time but then suddenly found a lovely group and everything changed.
University would allow your son to join clubs that he fancied, which would give him a chance to meet similar folk.
He sounds a really lo ely boy, he just needs one or two friends who get him, and value him, and he'll be fine x

In a way he’s unlucky because his two close friends happen to have totally disengaged from school so he’s left on his own. That’s done now, so time to move on to the next adventure.

My 18yr old ds is very similar. He started uni last September and has found a group of teens who have similar interests. He finally has a WhatsApp group of friends. But even so, he hasn’t found that best friend yet. He is autistic and finds it difficult to step friendships up to the next level where you go out or confide in each other.

My advice would be to try and widen his chances of meeting like minded teens. This doesn’t have to be university, it could be starting classes at a local gym or finding a hobby that gets him meeting people. Maybe once he gets an apprenticeship he will meet others who will become good friends.

It’s hard as a parent. We only see them as wonderful and cannot understand why they aren’t inundated with offers of friendship.

Place marking.

DS has just finished school too OP and hadn't made any friends really. It's a shame. He has recently been diagnosed with ASD so not too surprising that it has been a difficult journey for him. He is also 18 like your DS. He's just going in for exams now. He had a great rapport with teachers but struggled to make friends. He is moving on to college later this year and has his funding organised. He moved to a different school for his final two years of secondary.

OP your post made me emotional, I don't mean that in any kind of patronising condescending way, I'm being genuine.

My son is 14 and has gone through a lot in the last couple of years, including 2 moves which has ended with us buying a house in an area we have no connection to after being homeless, his brothers AuADHD diagnosis, and his 2 best friends have stopped talking to him, no fall out, just distanced. He is just in his room every day, he has played football for years, but has lost so much confidence (the old friends are in the team and they meet up before) as he now feels he has no friends in the team, he told me yesterday he is leaving. I worry to the point of keeping me awake at night. I organise activities every weekend still, otherwise he would be at home. I'm so sad for him, he deserves better.

I'm sorry your son is going through this. I think a change scene in going to uni would be great, there is a wider breadth of personalities, he might find his tribe, he might be more relaxed somewhere where his story can be different. All you can do is be there and encourage him. I read something about when your children turn into teenagers, a parents approach should be less lab or retriever, more cat. Not in their faces, just always there. You have my sympathy, and you're not alone.

Oh this does sound tough. Teens can be so thoughtless and cruel. And tough on you to witness. But he sounds lovely, you should be proud of him.

This won’t help in the short term but there was a Dr Chatterjee podcast a few years ago about teenage friendships and it spoke about how teenage tribes are all about finding the alpha person based on looks and confidence. Once people are in their 20s this type of bonding isn’t so strong and there is an observation that people that the main indicator for how people do socially in their 20s is how easily they made friends as toddlers not as teenagers. I think this is based on social skills more about kindness etc. I’m paraphrasing, but basically teenage friendships are a sort of weird animal grouping thing and not at all predictive about how people do socially later in life.

But I know it doesn’t make it any less painful. The positive is that things will change soon and he will be meeting new people regardless whether it is an apprenticeship or university and I’m sure it will be easier to make like-minded friends once he gets his teeth stuck into something that he’s quite interested in.

Wishing him the best of luck.

Given the cost of uni, it would be mad to encourage him to go solely in the hope he will make friends. If there was any actual link with a career he was interested in that would be different.

However the combo of no full time job yet and living rurally and no uni means it will be unlikely he will have much opportunity making friends unless at least one of those circumstances change.

How rural is rural? Is there a city within reasonable distance? Could he try a houseshare, both to meet people and to be somewhere where there are more activities. Depending on what he's into joining clubs is the best way to meet people his age - doesn't matter whether that's d&d/larping or 5 a side football - there will be options in most cities.

What is the part time job, could he swap to one with more young people e.g. Mcdonalds/local cinema?

How about volunteering somewhere?

Would he be interested in going travelling? Lots of places organise group holidays if its too intimidating to go all by himself, even if he doesn't make friends for life it will at least give him confidence that he can make friends. Again lots of variety - doesn't have to be a piss up 18-30 if he's not into that but could be climbing/adventure sports, or some sort of voluntourism .

I'd also have a discussion with him about responsible spending -unless you are absolutely loaded spending £120 on teacher presents is insane. If he's done a levels he would have only done 3 subjects- there's no way the friendship groups would have put in 40 quid each per teacher, and no teacher would want or expect a teenager to give them anything costing that much - if he really wanted to get them something a bottle of wine or box of chocolates would have been more than enough.

Thank you for the kind replies I really appreciate. I suppose I just wanted reassurance that others have felt this way or worried for their children at this age in this regard. Sometimes I think, as he was an only child until he was 13, he is too used to his own company and find its hard to push himself forward in a group. I also worry that whilst he's upbeat now it will grind him down and effect his mental health but I'll just keep encouraging him and try to be more cat like as another poster said 💓

I should add he's interested in soccer and hopes to apply to engineering but apprenticeships do seem very competitive. I've suggested he look at other courses and other social groups even running groups as anyone can join. I'm just trying to think outside the box.

Have a look at any volunteering opportunities to help him build skills

One of mine had this on last day of term
I felt so sad reading and remembering BUT it will get better. Uni will help as does meeting people through work or joining a club zx

No advice but I feel your pain, in a very similar situation with my 14 year old DS. So solidarity 💙

I personally wouldn't spend money on uni to try and make better friends.
Is he in a college part time as part of his apprenticeship? That will already be a shared interest between others doing the apprenticeship.
Outside of that it's a good age to get involved in hobby groups or sports clubs.
I understand where you're coming from as its not nice when it seems he's being he's left out but he'll get there, he likely just hasn't met his people yet. I know that's a cliche!

Also he could check out some of those meet up groups on facebook. Some of them run social events for people looking to make friends in different areas, shared interest or not

He will learn harsh lessons in life… sometimes he has to look at why it’s happening and the reason to change.

similar thing happened to me at that age… I ditched school friend which was great and found new friends… but learnt to be a better friend and not make the same mistake as before