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Parenting

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Original poster

Teenage son has no friends

68 replies

Nmeag · 01/05/2025 16:16

My son is 18. He is honestly such a nice young man. Really friendly and upbeat and always positive however I have come to realise that he has no good friends. He is finishing school this week for study leave, no uni plans but hopes to pursue an apprenticeship. The issue for me is he floats between groups, anyone he is good friends with (2 boys) seem to have social anxiety and won't go out for any social reasons and rarely attend school so I wonder how good of friends they are. Then anyone else seems to forget he exists, he's never invited anywhere and spends his time working in his part time job or at home with us. I feel he's missing out on the social side of things and I know it's annoying him but I can't force people to be his friend. I can think of no genuine reason why he is not included other than he's not sporty so not in the clique and not seen as cool. He has just come home from school and said he spent £120 on teacher presents as everyone had chipped in among friendship groups for gifts and he hadnt realised/been asked and he went and spent his own money on a single present from him for several members of staff. Then at lunch everyone went off together in their cars and he was left to go to subway alone. It's not a nice way to spend your last proper day at school after 7 years in the place. I feel so sad for him and angry. I'm not sure what my question is but has anyone else ever had this with their teens? We live in a rural area so he has limited options to increase his circle/experiences. I'm wondering should I encourage uni to change his scenery but we have been so against it due to fees but he needs to live as well.

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youreallygotmethere · 02/05/2025 10:58

I grew up in a rural area and by the time I turned 17, I felt very isolated from my friendship group. I just felt I didn’t have that much in common with them any more. The game changer for me was moving away to uni. I know that’s not his plans, but it completely reset my life for me - a total clean slate. I found my tribe and they are still good friends 40years later.
Growing up in a rural area can be really isolating for teenagers and if you’re not part of the gang, there’s not many other options

ShieldMaiden8 · 02/05/2025 11:11

One of my boys was similar to this. His younger brothers were far more confident than him and had huge circles of friends and still do, he was no trouble in school. Just breezed through it. Not a single detention or anything, had 2 friends who were the only friends he had in school. He would watch TV with us in the evening or even come along to work with me sometimes (self employed) when he went to college he did 3 years in the same course with the same 5 other boys who just didn’t seem to want to do anything out of college. He ended up meeting people through work who have become his really close friends, learning to drive him a huge confidence boost too. He’s now 20, has a solid circle of friends and is out almost every evening with them.

it’s really hard to watch especially when you know how wonderful they are. I’d just say stay positive, always give suggestions. Always tell him he’s brilliant and hopefully he will find his people with his apprenticeship.

ThisDogBarks · 02/05/2025 11:12

My son had similar issues from year 7-year 9. We were only able to help him as he wanted to take up mixed martial arts and Karate. maybe sit him down and go through options such as activities or groups, as he sounds like a lovely young man but might need that bit of courage.

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3rdtimeinflorida · 02/05/2025 11:15

Just wanted to say your son sounds lovely and you should be proud. He will find his way.

Pandersmum · 02/05/2025 13:49

Totally understand how you feel. Sending hugs. I have the same feeling with one of my lovely DC. I would also encourage uni if you can afford to support them. Whilst my DC has not come out with a vast array of friends and is now back at home, their confidence in life grew immeasurably and they are happy with being just them and I am learning to not stress as much about that! The fact you are aware, trying to support and help him means he is a lucky boy!

BTW engineering is a good choice - he will find lots of similar souls at Uni if he goes. Either via a degree apprenticeship or just uni.

TumbledTussocks · 02/05/2025 16:37

Could he go on one of those adventure holidays where you sign up and go in a group?

Honestly it’s very middle class and not actually what I did at all but I do think the classic gap year travel and fresher experience is a brilliant way to get 18 years out into the world with expanded horizons, news groups and learning all new ways of thinking, schools of though.
I left home earlier, worked for years and went to uni as a mature student so fully aware it isn’t the only route - but for sheltered/ shy kids it’s fab. Not worth the current price tag though, unless you have a strong to something. I would look at replicating this experience and finding hobbies and groups - from 18 a social group/ life is less and less likely to fall into your lap. I know an early 20s bloke who complains his life is dull and boring but makes no effort to change anything, so I don’t know who he thinks is going to? With that in mind I’d involve him in planning and give him the skills to do this for himself in the future.

I would expect Engineering is a degree still worth getting in terms of employment and ability to repay loans in the future so I wouldn’t entirely right it off.

TimeForABreak4 · 02/05/2025 16:57

Aw this breaks my heart to read. Is he actively asking sticking his neck out like today when they went to the activities and asking the friend he took or others if there's any plans tonight or over the weekend? Maybe he's just not asking and they'd happily include him?

AmusedGoose · 02/05/2025 17:57

My 24 year old son only socialises with school friends online. He works from home too. However he seems happy enough and still spends sometime with us and comes on family holidays. Some young people are like this. To be honest. Friends can let you down. Also be careful, when.my daughter was young she wouldn't go out with school friends and many years later I found it was because they were going shoplifting or to meet older boys. Providing he is happy, leave him be for now. Some kids can't wait to.be with adults and away from risk taking and drama seeking teenagers.

Original poster

Nmeag · 04/12/2025 22:13

I have just re-read this thread and thought I would post an update for anyone in a similar position. My son has gotten into a really good apprenticeship and attends college 1 day per week. He has met a few other boys his own age, no big friendships but its early days. And a few boys his age in the business he is in also. He has actually had a bit more socialising since he left school, a few overnight trips to football with a friend or 2, day trips etc. He doesn't be out partying like others his age but I feel more content than I did when I posted originally. So if anyone is in a similar boat I hope this stage passes soon. And I want to thank every person who responded kindly, when I read them again it brought a tear ro my eye, you were all so lovely when I felt so worried. Thank you xx

OP posts:

Copperas · 04/12/2025 22:25

Lovely to hear this!

Boxfreshrussell · 04/12/2025 22:30

Great news, it sounds like he is doing really well. Plenty of time for parties although not all young people socialise that way. I wish him well in his studies; you must be so proud of him.

Leopardsandcheetahsarefast · 04/12/2025 22:38

BavarianHound · 01/05/2025 17:27

OP your post made me emotional, I don't mean that in any kind of patronising condescending way, I'm being genuine.

My son is 14 and has gone through a lot in the last couple of years, including 2 moves which has ended with us buying a house in an area we have no connection to after being homeless, his brothers AuADHD diagnosis, and his 2 best friends have stopped talking to him, no fall out, just distanced. He is just in his room every day, he has played football for years, but has lost so much confidence (the old friends are in the team and they meet up before) as he now feels he has no friends in the team, he told me yesterday he is leaving. I worry to the point of keeping me awake at night. I organise activities every weekend still, otherwise he would be at home. I'm so sad for him, he deserves better.

I'm sorry your son is going through this. I think a change scene in going to uni would be great, there is a wider breadth of personalities, he might find his tribe, he might be more relaxed somewhere where his story can be different. All you can do is be there and encourage him. I read something about when your children turn into teenagers, a parents approach should be less lab or retriever, more cat. Not in their faces, just always there. You have my sympathy, and you're not alone.

Mine is younger and similiar in some respects. We have encouraged him to learn chess and do STEM club which is likes. Rugby and scouts seem to be good for him ;he wants to do them and has just started so lots of practice with balls at the weekend with family. Family time is important. There are different types of ND ours is autistic and adhd and always struggles socially friends with everyone and no one.

Ours is very fond of the dogs and will often talk and walk them but socially it takes him a lot of effort with his peers. Does he like arts and crafts or painting or playing guitar ? What does he like doing?

ZaraCC · 04/12/2025 22:44

Hi OP,

I'm a secondary school teacher and your post made me really sad - I always feel really upset when I (often) see or hear about these scenarios.

Some people just don't meet their tribe in school. Often the year group is less inclusive - you would be surprised at how different the dynamic is in year groups from Year 7.

In the working world, I find that people are much more inclusive and less eager to be in with the right crowd. Encourage him to socialise when he starts his training - perhaps he could become involved in volunteer work or a part time job in the meantime.

He sounds like a great kid and he will find people suited to him in time! The best, most rounded, people are often the ones who were unnoticed in High School.

ZaraCC · 04/12/2025 22:49

ZaraCC · 04/12/2025 22:44

Hi OP,

I'm a secondary school teacher and your post made me really sad - I always feel really upset when I (often) see or hear about these scenarios.

Some people just don't meet their tribe in school. Often the year group is less inclusive - you would be surprised at how different the dynamic is in year groups from Year 7.

He sounds like a great kid and he will find people suited to him in time! The best, most rounded, people are often the ones who were unnoticed in High School.

I just read your update - sorry, sounds great for him.

Original poster

Nmeag · 04/12/2025 22:52

ZaraCC · 04/12/2025 22:44

Hi OP,

I'm a secondary school teacher and your post made me really sad - I always feel really upset when I (often) see or hear about these scenarios.

Some people just don't meet their tribe in school. Often the year group is less inclusive - you would be surprised at how different the dynamic is in year groups from Year 7.

He sounds like a great kid and he will find people suited to him in time! The best, most rounded, people are often the ones who were unnoticed in High School.

Thank you for taking the time to comment. I definitely feel things have improved hence my update this evening so hopefully that continues. I also think, upon reflection, that it upset me more than it did him. I am so proud of him, I need to learn from his resilience perhaps.

OP posts:

mismomary · 04/12/2025 22:55

So lovely to hear this update, reassuring for all of us mothers of sons!

whiteroseredrose · 05/12/2025 07:22

I’m really pleased to hear your update. I’ve only just found this thread and was going to say that he may find his tribe at work. I’m in an office job and members of my team come and go - usually moving around the company. The younger ones go out regularly and newcomers are always invited along. I’m glad that it is starting to happen for your son.

MissyB1 · 05/12/2025 07:29

Lovely update! Well done to your son for getting that apprenticeship, they are so hard to get.

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