Teenage son has no friends

[Nmeag]

My son is 18. He is honestly such a nice young man. Really friendly and upbeat and always positive however I have come to realise that he has no good friends. He is finishing school this week for study leave, no uni plans but hopes to pursue an apprenticeship. The issue for me is he floats between groups, anyone he is good friends with (2 boys) seem to have social anxiety and won't go out for any social reasons and rarely attend school so I wonder how good of friends they are. Then anyone else seems to forget he exists, he's never invited anywhere and spends his time working in his part time job or at home with us. I feel he's missing out on the social side of things and I know it's annoying him but I can't force people to be his friend. I can think of no genuine reason why he is not included other than he's not sporty so not in the clique and not seen as cool. He has just come home from school and said he spent £120 on teacher presents as everyone had chipped in among friendship groups for gifts and he hadnt realised/been asked and he went and spent his own money on a single present from him for several members of staff. Then at lunch everyone went off together in their cars and he was left to go to subway alone. It's not a nice way to spend your last proper day at school after 7 years in the place. I feel so sad for him and angry. I'm not sure what my question is but has anyone else ever had this with their teens? We live in a rural area so he has limited options to increase his circle/experiences. I'm wondering should I encourage uni to change his scenery but we have been so against it due to fees but he needs to live as well.

My son the same. Just turned 17. He’s at college but hasn’t made a friend at all. He’s so quiet. I thought starting in Sept would the start of friends but no - still same situation. So now I’m hoping this Sept when new people join the course things will change. We’ll see….. shame there’s not a way to get all the teens together to be friends! My son is socially awkward so he needs to meet someone that’ll understand I suppose and nit take his quietness for rudeness. He just needs to get comfortable. He’s goes to the cinema on his own- it saddens me. Such a lovely kind boy.
Hope things change for your son soon.

My son was in a similar situation, fell out with a friend in year 11 and lost his friendship group. He’s 22 and has a good group of proper mates, things that helped..
Getting an apprenticeship (electrician) made new although not very close friends at work and at college.
Dating.. I wasnt overly impressed at this idea at the time but he joined Tinder and went on a lot of dates, not all ended with a relationship, but he did make some good friends and from going out more at weekends with the girls that it did work out with he met his now really close group of mates.

Funny I was thinking of it this way... it is a harsh lesson and sometimes life isn't easy and may e he needs to develop skills in making friends more easily. Thank you for ur honesty

Keep the faith, he will find his people at some stage of his life.

Has he tried young farmers? You don’t need to be a farmer to go. It was a lifesaver for me; I suffer with my health and don’t drink so felt left out from the normal peer groups. Despite the stereotypes of yfc and drinking, I was never a part of that and just loved going and having a wholesome night each week. We had nights at emergency services and local businesses learning about what they do, competed in a million different competitions, sometimes just went to the village hall and chilled with pizza and a game of beetle drive or whist, it was great

Aw I userstand how you feel, I wonder is it harder watching on as a parent as a lot of the time my son seems oblivious... I worry he will look back and think his youth was boring as it can be so solitary. If your son is a lovely kind person he will find his people, they both deserve to... its just not their time yet x

Thank you all for your encouraging posts and to those who empathised. It is very much appreciated. I feel a bit better now from that and also speaking with my husband and mother we agree he has a lot going for him and is resilient and really at 18 it's just beginning. I'm so glad he's finished school and hope he gets on as he deserves to at college. And the same to anyone else who is struggling with loneliness at that age. Thanks again x

It is very difficult but 9 times out of 10, young people in this situation have simple not met their tribe yet. If he stayed at sixth form he has basically just carried on in school; sometimes college is beneficial as he would have met new people and can go with a clean slate.
Uni would be the next obvious time to meet new people, so hopefully he will have the same opportunity starting an apprenticeship.
Being rural doesn’t help as there are less groups to join, less choice of young people etc. He really needs to join different groups, climbing, rowing, drama, chess club, gaming etc. Also, it’s not unusual to meet friends online.
He will be fine, just give it time and try not to let your worry show. Lots of us have been there, it’s much more common than yo7 think.

Can he learn to drive? You say you live rurally so even if he had friends to meet with, he's going to struggle to see them

He does drive and has his own car which helps as he has 2 part time jobs. Thanks for your post

Thank you for your post, I agree I wish he had of left school sooner and went go college but he seemed afraid to take that step at that time. Hopefully this next few months will be a good change for him

It is really difficult. I am (well, DS is) in a very similar situation. He is absolutely lovely, but just very mature in outlook for an 18yr old. He always has been - old soul and all that. He seemed to be perfectly happy with having minimal social interaction (apart from at college) but I worry that he isn't learning the social skills needed. I also think (from a few comments) that he would really like more of a social life, but all the kids here have known each other forever so hard to break into now really..

Currently considering possible local degree apprenticeship, but v small company (concerning in itself) and their 'uni' is an hour away vs full time uni. It is so difficult - job vs potential social expansion. The comments here are really interesting..

It’s so hard for him and as a parent to watch. He seems like a kind, sensible and hard working boy. You should be so proud. Whilst those qualities aren’t often appreciated amongst peer groups (now) they will hold him in great stead for future relationships. It sounds like he just hasn’t found his tribe yet.

Would he consider a running group as it's a sport you can do at any level? Parkrun can be a good way in to running.

I would encourage him to go to uni. He's more likely to meet like-minded people there. I think the experience is priceless. If you can afford for him to go then it will never be a waste of money.

I just don't think the opportunities for meeting other young people are the same on an apprenticeship.

Does he do any online gaming? A lot of young people socialise over the internet

My son was the same at school and it is heartbreaking to watch and not be able to help. If your son likes football does he follow his local team? Common interests can help . My son eventually made friends through his part time job and surprisingly reconnected with school friends who he wasn’t particularly friendly with at school ! Having a girlfriend helped as he went out more socially. Hope your son finds his niche .

Google "local meet ups" to see what kind of thing is going on in your area. There are usually some work related ones which may help with the apprenticeship and get his name known, then there are also board games or pub quiz nights, anything that gets him involved in something. He'll hopefully find his tribe.

It’s slightly concerning that he hasn’t actually applied for or identified specific apprenticeships yet. They are highly competitive. Based on how you describe him, I think there’s a real danger that he ends up living at home for years to come because he didn’t sort out an apprenticeship or go to university.

Whilst uni is very expensive, it does force you out of your comfort zone and is an amazing place to meet like minded people.

I think you need to give his head a wobble and get him to start thinking more seriously about post-school.

Sitting alone in his bedroom is not socialising.

Oh yes, someone mentioned a part time job. That’s a great way to meet others. A pub or restaurant, where other young people work but not somewhere with lots of his old school mates work. It’s almost like, they can reinvent themselves when they go somewhere new. I don’t mean become a completely different person, themselves but with more confidence. There are so many young people in the same position. As long as you don’t think he is desperately unhappy, he will be fine.
With regards to online, it’s not how our generation socialise but it is how young people connect in todays world. A happy balance is ideal. OP sending you my best wishes, nothing harder than worrying about your child. It will all work out.

It can be, it’s possible to connect with people that share very niche interests. I personally know 2 young people who met their partners through socialising online, not dating apps, just game chat

That is very similar to my son, he has said a few comments and it came to more of a head yesterday. They have some school activities it's today and he's going along, giving a friend a lift etc and is in great form. But I know after today it'll all die down as he isn't in any one group.
Yes the comments are interesting, it's hard to read sometimes but have to be realistic and supportive as best we can

He has applied to the local college for apprenticeships, he has been to all open days and met with local companies. He has conditional offers for a degree apprenticeship also dependent on his grades. He has 2 part time jobs, 1 in a restaurant so he is a worker. In regards to giving his head a wobble this made me smile, my husband and I have been doing that for 2 years trying to make sure he has a career path chosen but now I fear an apprenticeship may not offer much for making new friends and he will be with adults a lot as this was what happened in his work experience week. Hard to predict I suppose but he is actively exploring all avenues available. Thank you for your post. It's more the lack of social circle I'm concerned about as he can't force that.