Starting a family

[LittleLamb93]

Sorry if I am posting in the wrong section

We are going to start trying for a baby later this year/ early next year and in preparation, I have started to look into everything baby/ parenting.

We are both eating healthy nutritious food, exercising regularly, and I will take folic acid when we start TTC. I have also started to save for my maternity leave and I have chosen a new car (mine is on its way out so makes sense to get something more practical now rather than later).

If you could go back in time, what would you tell yourself or what would you tell a friend? What do new parents forget/ don’t always prepare for?

I don’t have any friends with babies/ children so I am spending quite a bit of time reading up on everything. It would just be nice to hear from mums. I don’t want to be sucked into buying loads of stuff we don’t need!

My DH would love parental leave! He’s joked about being a SAHD although, I sense he isn’t joking! 😂

I am not sure how I’ll feel about it though, you only get this opportunity once so I don’t know how I’ll feel about not taking advantage of that time to settle into motherhood. I may feel very differently when the time comes so it’s definitely good to know about these things and be fully informed.

It sounds like time to be a couple is fairly limited for most people and I think this might be the bit I’ll struggle with the most!

For the first 3-4 months this is definitely achievable as baby is just happy to be with you and can't move much. It gets a bit more difficult when they start getting opinions (around 6 months ime!) and crawling...

I absolutely adore my husband and we are still very 'in love' but it is HARD sometimes. We had two very close together. Things that helped were talking in detail about how labour would be divided, how we were going to handle broken sleep, our family values, what we wanted to take (or not take!) from our own childhoods. And then, when baby arrives, revisiting all of those things often because reality will change. We also like to do a random 'temperature check' on our relationship - usually at a time when we are relatively well rested and have time to talk - then we can address any growing resentments or niggles while neither of us is 'hot'.

Things will change and that's okay. It can become more beautiful if you keep the communications open. But yes, you will hate him sometimes 😂

It won't be off the cards, but it will look different. You might get really lucky (hopefully!) but in my experience, when you're surviving on 4 hours sleep for months on end, the last thing you'll want is an hour in bed talking to your partner over coffee. More likely, you'll be engaging in a passive aggressive discussion about who deserves to have the lie in while the other takes the baby for an hour. Don't underestimate the impact of sleep deprivation on a relationship. And then once that phase is over, it moves to an exhausting toddler up at 6am demanding constant entertainment all day, as you've guessed. However, once your kids are around 6, a typical child will be able to entertain themselves in the morning for half an hour or so. But in my experience, true love shifts from sharing a coffee in bed, to your partner handing you a coffee in bed and taking the kids for an hour lol.

As for maintaining a strong marriage, I'd say always try to give the benefit of the doubt rather than assume bad intentions, and make sure that each person has some space (i.e. taking the kids for a couple of hours so the other person can rest). And no matter how much of a team you previously were, the real test is parenting. Sounds like you guys will ace it though. It's not as bad as you're told, but it is a whole lifestyle shift.

@PollyPeep so true. Giving the benefit of the doubt is the secret to marriage in my opinion!

Don't assume you'll get pregnant. If you do, don't assume the pregnancy will go to term.

Go out and have fun! See friends in the evenings, have weekends away, go to the cinema, have a few too many in the pub on Sunday afternoon. All things I’d love to do but have a 2yo and a newborn

This is lovely, and whilst we definitely want to be fully prepared for what is to come, it’s good to know that as long as we communicate well, it won’t be as difficult as it maybe for some. My aunties tell me no end of horrific stories but their husbands were useless and if I know mine like I think I do, he wouldn’t be so useless 🤞🏻

I will definitely be adding discussions about sleep or lack thereof to the list! We have discussed family values, etc and I think our views compliment one another 😊

I might be the odd one out here but this is hugely achievable with a baby. When it becomes impossible is when the baby becomes a toddler 🤪🤪🤪🤪

Sleep deprivation sounds brutal! This is all really good to know, and manages my expectations which is probably half the battle!

It entirely depends if you have a little whirlwind that wakes at the crack of dawn, or a super chill one that you have to prize out of bed at 8:30 .

We've had both!
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I hope I’ve understood what you are saying but please correct me if not. I’ve taken it as to prepare for fertility issue and/or miscarriage.

If I’m being honest, I don’t think I can think about either of those outcomes at this stage. I’m a cheerful, positive person and I deal with challenges/ difficult situations as and when they come up. I don’t think I can allow myself to go there. We are doing all we can to be as healthy as can be to mitigate some of the risk but I’m aware that it might not be as simple as we hope it will be.

I have all fingers and toes crossed for a super chill baby!

Absolutely in the early days when baby sleeps a lot. Team work is the answer - one person makes the coffee when the other is settling baby for a nap and hopefully the stars align! Worth investing in a good insulated coffee cup with a lid just in case you get interrupted or baby doesn't sleep as you'd hoped. The first couple of months we ate out loads and baby would be sound asleep in the pram next to us, it was brilliant. Those days are a distant memory now so make the most while you can! That hour of chat will be so important but your routine will evolve and you might find it just happens at a different time.

Just keep talking, share the load and give each other a bit of grace and you'll be fine. In the early days you'll both be more tired than you're used to and both learning so will have different views on how best to do things (especially when you're super enthusiastic and "by the book" in the beginning) so you might clash then over the silliest of things. Don't put pressure on yourselves to do anything or plan too much - just go with the flow and enjoy it.

Very good advice, thank you 🙌🏻

I was fully planning on going back full time, career driven but I found post child I couldn't manage more than 2 days in a row so dropped to 4 days a week with Wednesdays off. I had postnatal depression and ended up taking 12 months off followed by 1 month off sick followed by a phased return over 2 months working up from 2 to 4 days a week. My daughter didn't sleep through the night for the first time until 2 and at 4 still doesn't do it consistently. My daughter has health issues that impacts her sleep, means food is more of a challenge and quite a significant mental load plus drs appointments. 4 days has meant it's been a bit easier to juggle time off for sickness as I can catch up some hours of my days off
Plan for returning to full time but prepare for dropping to 4 days most women know dropped to 3 or 4 days and the one I know who hasn't has been fighting her employer to either adjust her hours or responsibility for the last 4 years as she struggles with the juggle.

It's probably only since my daughter has turned 4 that we get the nice coffees in bed at the weekend. My daughter screamed for the first 5 months of life and for good chunks of the first year. i have a very hands on partner willing to get involved I fully expected to be sharing everything but my daughter was 10 months before she accepted him as a care giver. My coffee in bed usually went cold whilst I paced with our daughter trying to settle her. My partner did absolutely everything around the house though and did a fabulous job of looking after me so I had the head space to look after our daughter. I completely underestimated how exhausting being parent on duty was 24h a day!

My daughter is an out of the ordinary case but do have a read about reflux, colic and witching hours!

That sounds exhausting! It sounds like you can do all the planning in the world but in reality, you are thrown into the deep end and don’t know what baby/ child you will end up with!

What a lovely team you and your DP are though. No doubt that was what got you both through the rough times 🙌🏻

Yes to decluttering and organising to make space for your new baby and life.

Yes to combining finances and working out how the household budget is going to pan out.

Buy as many newborn and big ticket items ‘sex-less’ if that makes sense. White body suits, white babygros. That way you can use them again next time round if you have the opposite sex. The same advice holds for quite a while eg buy navy coats and wellies so they can be passed down. You can always put a pretty pink hat on a little girl if you want to highlight that she’s not a boy.

Luckily I love neutrals!

I need to do some more research on how much our budget needs to increase by. I imagine its not by much once we have the bigger ticket items 😊

The main takeaways from me would be that however bad you think sleep deprivation will be I can guarantee it’ll be much worse than that.

If you are early 30’s you’ll be a decade younger than I was so might be able to cope with it a bit better than I did.

Another key aspect is to consider what if any wider family support you might have. We did literally everything ourselves and it was exhausting not to be able to ever get even a few hours together alone without having our DS to look after. Friends who had GP support even for a few hours a week appeared to find things easier.

Don’t buy too much stuff. Get a really good travel system and then work out what else you need as you go along.

Don't fret too much about finances. If you’re used to going out, travelling a lot and generally having an active social life then you’ll likely find your expenditure falls dramatically when you have a baby.

Above all don’t worry about any possible negatives. It will be the best experience of your life and you’ll soon work out how to overcome any obstacles.

Good luck!

Yes, we are in our early thirties but I love my sleep! DH copes better than me but I don’t think either of us will find it easy.

I am hoping that GPs will be involved but to what extent, I can’t be certain. My DM has spoken about reducing her hours to do some of the childcare. Her favourite years were her “mum years” but I won’t put any expectations on anyone.

Thank you - I’m absorbing all the advice whether that’s to heed warning or remind me of the positives but overall, taking it all in my stride (so far!!)

Don’t overplan, things never go to plan 😂
I went off on maternity leave 6 weeks before due date as everyone said baby will come early - she was 12 days late !

3 things that took me by surprise:

1. How early you need to book childcare in some areas. Decide early on your childcare, book it, talk about how you will manage drop off and pick up and sick days. Think about your support network. Me and DH have no family nearby and both work full time - it has been very difficult with a lot of sick leave. The record was 15 working days off nursery sick in one month. Plan for what you will do in those circumstances.
2. Prepare for the unexpected - Some people get very set mentally on birth plans and routines etc but DS arrived at 30 weeks with no warning or preparation. DS was in hospital for 2 months and DH had to go back to work. I had not even read the books about birth or been to any classes. So prepare but be flexible to changing plans. You don’t have a lot of control over what is happening to your body when you are pregnant and giving birth!
3. Sleep deprivation isn’t just for a few months for some parents. DS didn’t sleep through the night until he was over 3 years old and was a very clingy baby. I have really disliked DH at certain points when the sleep deprivation was high. Try to remember that all phases and feelings, good and bad, will pass eventually. Having said all of that, I would do it again in a heartbeat. DS is wonderful.

Oh and I agree about the clothing - we had so many clothes and they grow so fast that they barely wear them! Buy good neutrals and buy as you need it. Get zip up sleep suits - they are super helpful.

There is definitely a theme with all this advice. I think I’ll have to work on not being in total control 100% of the time and really get some sleep in! 😂

@LittleLamb93 yes do get lots of sleep now! The really irritating thing for me is that even when DS is sleeping 11 hours a night now he is a bit older my body won’t let me sleep!! It’s so annoying as I used to be a deep sleeper 😂