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Original poster

Husband doesn’t help with our newborn at all

74 replies

Mamlaw1 · 27/03/2025 23:09

Am I expecting to much from my husband to wake at night when the baby cries even if it’s just to ask if I need anything?
Our first child is 5 month old and my OH doesn’t change his nappy, feed him, dress him or do nap times etc. this is all despite me pleading with him for months to help more. He holds our son for a small length of time when he comes in on the evenings but that’s it. He has never put him to bed even.
i wouldn’t mind so much if he helped around the house but he has always been slow to do things there also. I cook , I am in charge of cleaning and I do the grocery shop etc…

when we decided to get pregnant he told me he would do everything if I wanted him too apart from dirty nappies. This has all proved to be untrue.

not to mention when I was recovering from birth my mother stepped in to make sure I was being looked after and allowed to heal and rest because she could see he wasn’t taking care of me.

my question is really am I expecting too much from him? Is it really just the case that the woman does 99% of the childcare and housework in real life? Or should he be doing something more even if it’s just let me have a lie in on weekends or picking up a brush to sweep without having to be told.

im due back to work in two weeks and I’m so nervous that putting that on top of what I’m already going through will cause me to break.
finally it’s my dream to have more children which we have discussed but given how he has been since the birth of my little one and during my pregnancy I’m not to sure I can go through with it again . And I resent him because I feel like he has stolen my dream of a big family from me with his behaviour.

sorry for the jumbled up rant but I needed to clear my chest

OP posts:
WitcheryDivine · 27/03/2025 23:13

This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. He should be doing all the nappies when he’s around, doing bathtime, lulling baby off to sleep, as well as looking after you while you feed the baby. He’s being crap. Someone needs to read him the riot act, who’s best placed to do that?

BeMintFatball · 27/03/2025 23:13

Christ ! What have I just read ? Tell him to step up or ship out

Changingplace · 27/03/2025 23:18

He sounds awful, sorry you’re in this situation, can you go to your mums?

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Maitri108 · 27/03/2025 23:22

Someone who loves you cares for your welfare. He's aware that you haven't had a break in five months while you care for his baby and he hasn't lifted a finger.

He wants you to do everything while he behaves like he's got no responsibility.

You need to have a conversation and divide out chores for when you go back to work. For example, take it in turns to cook, clearing up the kitchen after the other person cooks, taking it in turns to put the baby to bed etc etc

If he still refuses to pull his weight then you have a decision to make.

Stripeyanddotty · 27/03/2025 23:22

Another useless man….

Original poster
Mamlaw1 · 27/03/2025 23:22

@BeMintFatball I have told him this on several occasions since Christmas. His response is he is trying and doing his best. I just gave up bringing it up after that because it stressed me out even more. I get it’s all new to him ( I’m from large family and have been around newborns since I was a teen) but he doesn’t even show a desire to want to know how to do anything with his son.

OP posts:
Aspotofgardening · 27/03/2025 23:23

Dictating that he’d never change a nappy would have been plenty information for me to immediately bin him, not have a child with him. What an absolute loser.

CheeseyOnionPie · 27/03/2025 23:23

Apart from dirty nappies??!
He needs to grow the hell up and quickly. I would tell him that if he doesn’t change immediately then the marriage is over. You’re can’t be attracted to a man like this, and if you’re doing everything anyway, what is the point of being in a couple?? You’re a single mother already.

MsNevermore · 27/03/2025 23:25

Completely unacceptable.

Presumably this was a wanted baby and you made the decision together to have him?
You husband doesn’t now get to simply opt out of everything that entails 🤨🤨🤨

Either shape up or get in the bin.

Middleagedstriker · 27/03/2025 23:25

Honestly I would leave. It will be easier as you will still be doing everything but you won't be as resentful. He is a lazy cint who doesn't deserve you.

Original poster
Mamlaw1 · 27/03/2025 23:25

@Stripeyanddotty I wish I could say otherwise about him.

OP posts:
Nsky62 · 27/03/2025 23:28

Tell it’s divorce time, he’s useless!
My ex refused to change nappies, generally helpful, and I was a stay at home mum

Original poster
Mamlaw1 · 27/03/2025 23:29

@MsNevermore this was an extremely wanted and planned baby. Discussions were had before I became pregnant where we talked about having a child and what changes that would bring to our lives and routines. But now I look back and wonder who I was having those conversations with because that man told me he was ready and understood it would be challenging whereas the man I have now acts as if he doesn’t have a little one

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamlaw1 · 27/03/2025 23:35

@CheeseyOnionPie that’s the other part to it is that because I’m so resentful at him over it all the romance or attraction and affection has completely vanished.i have told him also I feel like a married single mother and it’s garnished an empty promise from him to do more ……. Which doesn’t happen .

OP posts:
mummytrex · 27/03/2025 23:42

Totally unacceptable.

My husbands family is tiny - parents and his older sister. By comparison my husband helps with everything including at night.

He isn't trying. He is trying to condition/convince you to just crack on and accept his lack of interest or care in you and your child. It is manipulative and would frankly give me the ick.

In your position I'd divorce tbh, it will result in less work for you as one less person to clean up after.

RickiRaccoon · 27/03/2025 23:46

That's not normal nowadays and not okay. It was probably a red flag when your DH said he wouldn't change nappies because that's just part of being a parent. (Slight side note but a roommate told me he wanted a dog but didn't want to pick up the poo and it's stuck with me as a ridiculous thing to say -- a bit like having a baby but not changing its nappy.)

Neither I nor my DH knew what we were doing with our 1st. We both learnt. I didn't even change a nappy for about a week after the birth because my DH did all of them while I recovered and learnt to BF. I did more with the baby because of BFing etc and being at home with him but my DH did a lot and still does with our 2 toddlers. Your DH needs to really understand he's being a bad father and bad husband by not stepping up to look after his own kid.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/03/2025 23:48

Op please go and stay wit your mum you won't miss him

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/03/2025 23:49

Mamlaw1 · 27/03/2025 23:29

@MsNevermore this was an extremely wanted and planned baby. Discussions were had before I became pregnant where we talked about having a child and what changes that would bring to our lives and routines. But now I look back and wonder who I was having those conversations with because that man told me he was ready and understood it would be challenging whereas the man I have now acts as if he doesn’t have a little one

My ex also said the same and he walked out just before baby was born so at least I got to stay with my parents and get their help

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/03/2025 23:50

he has always been slow to do things there also. I cook , I am in charge of cleaning and I do the grocery shop etc…

Given this, and his nappy comment, I think you were very unreasonable and naive to expect better tbh.

If he couldn’t be arsed to clean up after himself he wasn’t ever going to look after a baby properly. He doesn’t want to. He thinks he’s too important to cook and clean, he thinks you’re much less important than he is and deserve to do it all. The writing was on the wall.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so resentful and let down. Your optimism hasn’t paid off and you might have been listening to his words but you weren’t looking honestly at his actions.

The best option now is to accept he’s a selfish, useless twat and leave him. It doesn’t sound like life will be much worse and at least your child won’t grow up watching you be treated like an unpaid maid. It’s great you have your mum to support you.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 28/03/2025 00:08

It's all just empty words from him. Actions speak louder, and given that he didn't cook or share the responsibility for housework before the baby, it's of no surprise to me that he still doesn't lift a finger now.

He's a useless, feckless man.

And to answer your question, no, you're not expecting too much, you just sadly made a poor choice of husband. My first husband didn't lift a finger around the house, nor could he cook. Thankfully, I didn't have children with him. My next and current husband was fully domesticated and a great cook when we met, he was a wonderfully supportive husband and father when I had children, I couldn't have asked for more. There seems little point to being with yours, you're a single parent now anyway.

ginnitonic · 28/03/2025 00:14

Is he frightened of doing something wrong with the baby? Maybe you come across as too anxious? Perhaps you could leave the baby with him and pop out for a while so he could deal with him alone?

crumblingschools · 28/03/2025 00:15

Why did he say no nappies? DH was chief nappy changer in our household, I only did them when DH wasn’t around. He also did bath routine when he got in from work so could have bonding time with DC

TheHerboriste · 28/03/2025 00:30

Aspotofgardening · 27/03/2025 23:23

Dictating that he’d never change a nappy would have been plenty information for me to immediately bin him, not have a child with him. What an absolute loser.

Exactly.

You were warned. What a shame to saddle a human being with this useless oaf for a sire. I will NEVER understand it if I live to be 1000.

mathanxiety · 28/03/2025 00:37

YANBU

If he won't do the baby work he needs to clean and either cook or wash up.

Lazy sod.

AliBaliBee1234 · 28/03/2025 00:40

I have a 4 month old. His Dad does just as much as me. He gets up with him on his days off, walks him in the pram, changes him, feeds him, sorts bottles. That's how it should be imo.

I wouldn't accept this at all but I think you first need to ask why. Is it fear, laziness, lack of interest. Fear you can work with him on.

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