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Parenting

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Original poster

Husband doesn’t help with our newborn at all

74 replies

Mamlaw1 · 27/03/2025 23:09

Am I expecting to much from my husband to wake at night when the baby cries even if it’s just to ask if I need anything?
Our first child is 5 month old and my OH doesn’t change his nappy, feed him, dress him or do nap times etc. this is all despite me pleading with him for months to help more. He holds our son for a small length of time when he comes in on the evenings but that’s it. He has never put him to bed even.
i wouldn’t mind so much if he helped around the house but he has always been slow to do things there also. I cook , I am in charge of cleaning and I do the grocery shop etc…

when we decided to get pregnant he told me he would do everything if I wanted him too apart from dirty nappies. This has all proved to be untrue.

not to mention when I was recovering from birth my mother stepped in to make sure I was being looked after and allowed to heal and rest because she could see he wasn’t taking care of me.

my question is really am I expecting too much from him? Is it really just the case that the woman does 99% of the childcare and housework in real life? Or should he be doing something more even if it’s just let me have a lie in on weekends or picking up a brush to sweep without having to be told.

im due back to work in two weeks and I’m so nervous that putting that on top of what I’m already going through will cause me to break.
finally it’s my dream to have more children which we have discussed but given how he has been since the birth of my little one and during my pregnancy I’m not to sure I can go through with it again . And I resent him because I feel like he has stolen my dream of a big family from me with his behaviour.

sorry for the jumbled up rant but I needed to clear my chest

OP posts:

MakeItToTheMoon · 28/03/2025 13:30

Did your husband help with chores/ general help before the baby was born?

If he has always been lazy then doubt he will change. Babies become toddlers which can be even more exhausting.

You are going back to work which is stressful enough and then with everything else on your plate he really needs to decide what he wants to do..

jellybe · 28/03/2025 13:41

Sorry OP but it’s time to tell him to either get his act together and be a parent or to get out. This is not normal. This is not what a loving partner does.

pitterypattery00 · 28/03/2025 13:41

You're not expecting enough!

Keeping a baby clean and comfortable is one of the most basic needs a baby has in order for them to be healthy. Your husband said before pregnancy that he wouldn't do that. I think that says a lot. Honestly, that would have been the end for me.

In our family everything (childcare/housework) is shared 50/50. From what I've seen of friends' lives, their husbands/partners do a good chunk of childcare/housework. I don't recognise your situation at all.

You and your child deserve better.

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NerrSnerr · 28/03/2025 13:54

If he wouldn't do dirty nappies does that mean that even before you became pregnant you accepted that he wouldn't look after the child alone for at least a couple of years?

It's nothing to do with him being from a small family, he's just a lazy fuck. Even if he's utterly useless at all baby things the least he can do is cook tea or clean the house. If you're going back to work in two weeks things need to change now or it'll never get better. You'll be holding down a full time job, doing 100% of the childcare and he'll just get away with doing fuck all and you'll be teaching your child that it's normal.

PermanentTemporary · 28/03/2025 14:06

And men wonder why women lose interest in sex.

It's nearly impossible to just leave the baby with a man like this though. He's proved that he will ignore the baby's interests by not waking up. I once left ds with dh for the morning, they joined me in town later (about 11am). Ds seemed restless so i took him to change his nappy. To find that he was still in his soaking wet overnight nappy with a raging case of nappy rash.

You have three choices. 1. Do everything, with burning resentment; your sex life will disappear and the relationship may well die. It's just possible he will improve with older children (dh did, quite a bit). 2. Leave. 3. Get a LOT tougher. Train him, nag, refuse to accept his shitty behaviour. It's a gamble; he won't enjoy it and again the relationship could die, probably with a really poisonous divorce, because why the fuck should you have to do this? But it might work out.

Aspotofgardening · 28/03/2025 14:07

It makes no sense OP. He said he’d never change a dirty nappy which means you willingly accepted that he’d never look after his child alone until they are potty trained which can be as late as 3 and a half or 4 for some children.

I can’t imagine that conversation going any other way other than laughing in his face at such an imbecilic suggestion. Does he think he’s above wiping a shitty arse?

JeSuisMe · 28/03/2025 14:10

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with two babies...

Some open discussion needs to happen fast

PermanentTemporary · 28/03/2025 14:12

Something he said before the baby was born doesn't excuse him, but it's also not 'acceptance' by the OP. Everyone's allowed to change their minds in the face of reality.

TISagoodday · 28/03/2025 14:13

He won't do dirty nappies?!?!?!
His own child?
Why did you agree to have a baby with someone who said they wouldn't do dirty nappies? The mind boggles.

Devilsmommy · 28/03/2025 14:14

Middleagedstriker · 27/03/2025 23:25

Honestly I would leave. It will be easier as you will still be doing everything but you won't be as resentful. He is a lazy cint who doesn't deserve you.

100% this. For god sake if you for some reason stay with the cunt then don't have any more kids. He won't magically change for a second one

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 28/03/2025 14:17

Mamlaw1 · 27/03/2025 23:35

@CheeseyOnionPie that’s the other part to it is that because I’m so resentful at him over it all the romance or attraction and affection has completely vanished.i have told him also I feel like a married single mother and it’s garnished an empty promise from him to do more ……. Which doesn’t happen .

It'll never happen. Start assessing your position as an unmarried single mother and see what you need to do to make it work financially - in short, make a plan to leave this loser.

TISagoodday · 28/03/2025 14:24

Sorry looking back at your OP I realise my message was quite harsh.
You ask us if you should expect more- the answer is yes. You should expect more and you deserve more.
As my DH said to me before we agreed to have a second that our child is not solely my responsibility- it's a joint responsibility. Yes as I'm breastfeeding- that does become more of my responsibility but he still views it as his responsibility to check I'm nourished enough to do a proper job of breastfeeding.
Having a baby takes two and it really is a team effort to care for it and care for each other. I'm sorry you have not had this experience and you really do deserve it.

Gettingbysomehow · 28/03/2025 19:54

Sorry but your husband is a useless sack of shit who will never change. I had two like that.
You either stay and do everything ot leave.
I suspect that you will get so sick of him that one day you will wake up and decide you will never be able to sleep with him again.
I've been there.

Gloriousgardener11 · 28/03/2025 20:02

Mamlaw1 · 27/03/2025 23:29

@MsNevermore this was an extremely wanted and planned baby. Discussions were had before I became pregnant where we talked about having a child and what changes that would bring to our lives and routines. But now I look back and wonder who I was having those conversations with because that man told me he was ready and understood it would be challenging whereas the man I have now acts as if he doesn’t have a little one

Maybe you should remind him of the many conversations that were had and where he said he’d pull his weight and share the care.
Seems he’s forgotten or has chosen to opt out.
A good kick up the ass is what is required!

Maray1967 · 28/03/2025 21:12

My DH changed nappies, did night feeds, cooked and cleaned - 25 years ago. Yours is utterly useless.

I would go to war, to be honest, as a final attempt to shock him into action. No cooking for him, no laundry, no nothing until he steps up.

Tinydancer35 · 28/03/2025 21:16

I feel so sorry for you OP.

You’re absolutely not expecting too much, in fact you’re not even get a bare minimum from this dead beat dad. It’s embarrassing, how dare he!

I would resent his ass too, and probably would never have children with him ever again.

If I were you, there would be an ultimatum, get his act together and actively do assigned tasks EVERY SINGLE DAY or divorce. He chose to have a baby, he doesn’t t get to choose when he wants to parent. It’s too late now. I hate men like this soo much!!!

Screamingabdabz · 28/03/2025 21:26

I can guarantee this prick was a lazy shit before the conception. Talk is cheap and the op fell for it. Actions speak much louder than words when it comes to men.

Trovindia · 28/03/2025 21:29

Aspotofgardening · 27/03/2025 23:23

Dictating that he’d never change a nappy would have been plenty information for me to immediately bin him, not have a child with him. What an absolute loser.

Yeah DH tried that and I told him he absolutely would be changing nappies and that was the end of it. He didn't tell me till after she was born, and I was having none of it.

OVienna · 28/03/2025 21:41

CheeseyOnionPie · 27/03/2025 23:23

Apart from dirty nappies??!
He needs to grow the hell up and quickly. I would tell him that if he doesn’t change immediately then the marriage is over. You’re can’t be attracted to a man like this, and if you’re doing everything anyway, what is the point of being in a couple?? You’re a single mother already.

This

fashionqueen0123 · 28/03/2025 21:43

Mamlaw1 · 27/03/2025 23:29

He said he wouldn’t change dirty nappies.

That should have been the moment you realised he was not a good man to have a baby with unfortunately.

cestlavielife · 28/03/2025 21:45

He knows you' w ill do it
And your mum will step in if you cannot
He sees women doing it all
So why should he do it?
Start now leaving baby with him for longer periods
Don't have more kids with him

(Your mum should have told him to step up not just stepped in for him )

fashionqueen0123 · 28/03/2025 21:46

Also why hasn’t he done half the stuff you’ve listed? Just tell him to do it! Why let him get away with it.

Oistins · 28/03/2025 21:46

When we had babies, I did all the night time stuff and never disturbed my husband as he was working and I wasn’t. Plus, I breastfed so there was no point disturbing him.

But he swept in every evening after work and did bath time and cooked dinners. He’d insist I had lots of downtime at the weekends too.

Remaker · 28/03/2025 22:03

When you are both there in the house together the baby is a joint responsibility equally shared by you both. Tbh the red flag was right there when he said he wouldn’t do dirty nappies. That would require you to never leave him alone with the baby for any period of time in case a nappy needed to be changed. Not to mention being completely juvenile behaviour on his part - that’s the kind of response you’d expect from a teenager ew yuck I’m not dealing with poo.

My DH had never held a baby until we had our eldest. He learned how to care for her by getting stuck in and doing it!

I think it’s ultimatum time. Write down all the tasks that need to be done both for the baby and around the house. Get him to tick off the 50% of things that he’s going to do and stick it on the fridge. Teach him how to look after the baby then start leaving them alone together so he can practice!

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