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Original poster

Husband doesn’t help with our newborn at all

74 replies

Mamlaw1 · 27/03/2025 23:09

Am I expecting to much from my husband to wake at night when the baby cries even if it’s just to ask if I need anything?
Our first child is 5 month old and my OH doesn’t change his nappy, feed him, dress him or do nap times etc. this is all despite me pleading with him for months to help more. He holds our son for a small length of time when he comes in on the evenings but that’s it. He has never put him to bed even.
i wouldn’t mind so much if he helped around the house but he has always been slow to do things there also. I cook , I am in charge of cleaning and I do the grocery shop etc…

when we decided to get pregnant he told me he would do everything if I wanted him too apart from dirty nappies. This has all proved to be untrue.

not to mention when I was recovering from birth my mother stepped in to make sure I was being looked after and allowed to heal and rest because she could see he wasn’t taking care of me.

my question is really am I expecting too much from him? Is it really just the case that the woman does 99% of the childcare and housework in real life? Or should he be doing something more even if it’s just let me have a lie in on weekends or picking up a brush to sweep without having to be told.

im due back to work in two weeks and I’m so nervous that putting that on top of what I’m already going through will cause me to break.
finally it’s my dream to have more children which we have discussed but given how he has been since the birth of my little one and during my pregnancy I’m not to sure I can go through with it again . And I resent him because I feel like he has stolen my dream of a big family from me with his behaviour.

sorry for the jumbled up rant but I needed to clear my chest

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 28/03/2025 00:53

Mamlaw1 · 27/03/2025 23:22

@BeMintFatball I have told him this on several occasions since Christmas. His response is he is trying and doing his best. I just gave up bringing it up after that because it stressed me out even more. I get it’s all new to him ( I’m from large family and have been around newborns since I was a teen) but he doesn’t even show a desire to want to know how to do anything with his son.

Living in a house surely isn't all new to him?

He can't roll up his sleeves and clean? He can't make a thorough supermarket list? Cook decent meals on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, and clear away when he's finished a meal you cooked the rest of the week? Sweep the floor and push a hoover around his own home?

I bet if you scratch the surface of his atrocious behaviour, you'll find a man who thinks he's the unappreciated hero here, slaving away at a job while you sit on your arse all day stuffing your face with bon bons.

ShouldIEvenBother · 28/03/2025 01:00

He's clearly changed his mind about being a husband and a father, OP. Unfortunately this is a rather common occurrence and men do this an awful lot.

I highly recommend you consult a divorce lawyer - this won't get better, it never does. Free yourself from that absolute infuriating waste of space soon rather than later, for your sanity. 💐

savethatkitty · 28/03/2025 01:45

I'm sorry lovely, but what you describe isn't normal.

Your DH needs to pull his weight, massively. Otherwise I'd re think this relationship. Don't have any more children with this waste of space.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3-6 months old Babies & sleep Families
HundredPercentUnsure · 28/03/2025 07:17

Middleagedstriker · 27/03/2025 23:25

Honestly I would leave. It will be easier as you will still be doing everything but you won't be as resentful. He is a lazy cint who doesn't deserve you.

Yep agree. The resentment will just chip away at you and make your life miserable, when in reality you could be (and deserve to be) very happy!

Thewholeplaceglitters · 28/03/2025 07:19

The minute he told you he wouldn’t do dirty nappies (wtf?!) that was your sign. I don’t know why you expected anything different.

Lovegame · 28/03/2025 07:21

New born is up to 6 weeks so at first I thought maybe he was just been slow on adjusting and the uptake but 5 months?!

You need to have a serious conversation with him. This is very far from the norm. It sounds like your relationship was very unequal from before having a baby and having a baby often makes things more unequal.

MiserableMrsMopp · 28/03/2025 07:23

when we decided to get pregnant he told me he would do everything if I wanted him too apart from dirty nappies. This has all proved to be untrue.

They lie. Almost all (not 100%, but most) lie about what they'll do as fathers.

Do not have another baby to men like this. We get suckered in once, but it's on us if we allow it a 2nd time.

Mylovelygreendress · 28/03/2025 07:28

I see you are going back to work in 2 weeks so will you be doing all the childcare runs ?
Could you move in with your Mum ? If I was your Mum I couldn’t see you struggle .
What are his parents like ?

Fitzcarraldo353 · 28/03/2025 07:31

"when we decided to get pregnant he told me he would do everything if I wanted him too apart from dirty nappies"

This is really telling. "IF YOU wanted him to" - not because it needs doing or it's his baby too. He was always expecting it to be your job and be delegated to occasionally but with no initiative from him.

WaltzingWaters · 28/03/2025 07:31

Aspotofgardening · 27/03/2025 23:23

Dictating that he’d never change a nappy would have been plenty information for me to immediately bin him, not have a child with him. What an absolute loser.

This 100%!

It would be the end for me at this point. Doesn’t sound like he cares about you or the baby.

DenholmElliot11 · 28/03/2025 07:33

Ok. I had this too, and i'll tell you what worked for me.

Like you, I came from a family where there were plenty of kids around so i was family with babies and toddlers whilst my husband, an only child never was.
I could see that he was going to need a lot of guidance (yes I know it's not my responsibility to guide him but I decided I would invest a bit of time here).

So I started by spelling out the obvious. For example, the baby was in the moses basket I was in the kitchen eating my breakfast after feeding the baby (one of a twin) and baby cried. Hubby got up,, walked passed crying baby walked past me, and carried on. I called him back, I said "you can't just walk past a crying baby, you have to see what's wrong with him". And he did. And I had to do this about 15 or 20 times and you know what? eventually he got the message, and he did go and sort them when they cried.

Then the first time t hey were toddlers and we went out for sunday lunch the waiter brought 2 adult meals over and 2 child meals over. My husband immediately started eating his lunch. I immediately started cutting up one childs food. I said to my husband please cut up number 2 childs food so that we can both enjoy our meal hot, because if you eat and I cut up food for 2 children, mine will be cold won't it? And he did. It just never occured to him to cut up someones food.

I know this sounds unbelievably infantile but it did work. I just had to spell it out.

It's a new phase in your relationship. How you handle things now will have a big impact on how your relationship goes forward . Be factual not sarcastic and be direct.

Try it. Good luck and congratulations.

Lookingforwardto2025 · 28/03/2025 07:35

Unfortunately imo saying that he would do anything other than dirty nappies was a massive red flag that he would turn out to be useless. I am so sorry that this has happened.

I appreciate that you wanted a large family but I would think long and hard before having another child with him. There are many positives to having one child and the burden on you if he never steps up will be much less.

MumChp · 28/03/2025 07:38

Mamlaw1 · 27/03/2025 23:22

@BeMintFatball I have told him this on several occasions since Christmas. His response is he is trying and doing his best. I just gave up bringing it up after that because it stressed me out even more. I get it’s all new to him ( I’m from large family and have been around newborns since I was a teen) but he doesn’t even show a desire to want to know how to do anything with his son.

He has to try harder doesn't he?
I wouldn't stay in a marriage with a man not able to do housework and care for a child. Life is too short.

Elmo230885 · 28/03/2025 07:40

Aspotofgardening · 27/03/2025 23:23

Dictating that he’d never change a nappy would have been plenty information for me to immediately bin him, not have a child with him. What an absolute loser.

Absolutely this. There was your warning flag.

RampantIvy · 28/03/2025 07:40

Stop doing things for him. Don't cook for him and don't do his washing. And make sure you have watertight contraception.

Or go and stay with your mum.

Aspotofgardening · 28/03/2025 07:42

DenholmElliot11 · 28/03/2025 07:33

Ok. I had this too, and i'll tell you what worked for me.

Like you, I came from a family where there were plenty of kids around so i was family with babies and toddlers whilst my husband, an only child never was.
I could see that he was going to need a lot of guidance (yes I know it's not my responsibility to guide him but I decided I would invest a bit of time here).

So I started by spelling out the obvious. For example, the baby was in the moses basket I was in the kitchen eating my breakfast after feeding the baby (one of a twin) and baby cried. Hubby got up,, walked passed crying baby walked past me, and carried on. I called him back, I said "you can't just walk past a crying baby, you have to see what's wrong with him". And he did. And I had to do this about 15 or 20 times and you know what? eventually he got the message, and he did go and sort them when they cried.

Then the first time t hey were toddlers and we went out for sunday lunch the waiter brought 2 adult meals over and 2 child meals over. My husband immediately started eating his lunch. I immediately started cutting up one childs food. I said to my husband please cut up number 2 childs food so that we can both enjoy our meal hot, because if you eat and I cut up food for 2 children, mine will be cold won't it? And he did. It just never occured to him to cut up someones food.

I know this sounds unbelievably infantile but it did work. I just had to spell it out.

It's a new phase in your relationship. How you handle things now will have a big impact on how your relationship goes forward . Be factual not sarcastic and be direct.

Try it. Good luck and congratulations.

I don’t understand this. My husband was clueless in the way a lot of men are when a baby comes along. But he would never in a million years walk past his son when he was crying. Babies only need food, warmth, comfort and to be clean. He tried his best even if he didn’t immediately have the natural knack and was a bit clumsy with nappy changes the first few days. He kept going until he became confident at everything, he didn’t just wander past his crying baby.

Pigeonqueen · 28/03/2025 07:42

Him saying he wouldn’t do dirty nappies tells me everything about him. Nasty man.

Cognacsoft · 28/03/2025 07:45

My ds was born in the 80’s and the only thing dh couldn’t get to grips with was Terry nappies, he was worried about the safety pin.
He did everything else though and when dd arrived we used disposable nappies and he did those too.

Your dh is a dinosaur.

Reallyneedthosepositivevibes · 28/03/2025 07:54

It's not right and he's being 100% awful. Can you stay with your mum or her stay to help? Does he know how useless he is being?

But my DH was the same with our second. I was completely thrown by his lack of involvement and interest. I was beyond resentful and ready to pack up and leave. But as he got to a year he started being a lot more involved. Now with both of them he is very hands on, making food, playing, bath. I don't know if it's the lack of a bond?

Sulu17 · 28/03/2025 08:03

If you got rid of him now ,your baby would never know any different. You could be a lovely little unit, just you and baby. Do you work? do you own your own home? Imagine a life of peace and happiness without DH.

Purplecatshopaholic · 28/03/2025 08:12

So he said he wouldn’t do nappies, but you went ahead and had a child with him (seriously wtaf were you thinking? That this attitude was somehow ok?) And lo, he’s useless in other ways too. Ffs don’t have another..

ThisUniqueDreamer · 28/03/2025 08:17

when we decided to get pregnant he told me he would do everything if I wanted him too apart from dirty nappies

To be fair, he told you exactly what he was going to be like as a father and you still went ahead and had a baby with him.

You've been around babies since you were a teen. You know, they need nappies, changing quite frequently. So when he told you he was never going to change dirty nappies, he was actually telling you he was never going to be left alone with the baby for any length of time, and that's exactly what's happened.

He also said he'd do anything if you wanted him to do it.So he didn't actually say, I want to look after our baby. He'd only do things if you wanted him to do it. Begrudgingly in other words.

It's too late the baby's here now he's not going to change, so the question is, do you want to stay with him.

Suzi9989I · 28/03/2025 10:11

I'm really sorry your DH is not stepping up. I would leave the child with him for a short appointment. Go and get your hair done. Preparation is key, you need to train and start to let go. Part of this is you have to lead him to the driving seat now... you have just become the sat nav. He'll get there but you can't do it for him. I hope he surprises you. Remind him, you are all a team and this transition is going to need getting used to.

I hope returning to work will go well, pls get all the support you can. Please be gentle x

Maxi77 · 28/03/2025 11:16

I'm sorry that you are in this situation. Having a baby is tough enough even with a helpful partner, let alone when you are doing everything. I do think some men take a back-seat as they think their partner has everything in hand, or that they don't know what to do, or will get things wrong. You mention that when you spoke to him he said that he was trying his best. Do you think that he is trying qt all? Is he possibly so overwhelmed by being a new dad that he is trying to hide from all of his responsibilities? I certainly don't think it excuses his behaviour but there may be some underlying reasons (other than being lazy) as to why he is acting this way.

I do think you need to have a serious conversation with him and lay it all out on the table. He needs to understand that things can't go on like they have been. Good luck.

PsychoHotSauce · 28/03/2025 11:28

when we decided to get pregnant he told me he would do everything if I wanted him too apart from dirty nappies

Genuine question, what exactly do you think he would do if you got run over by a bus? I'm torn between thinking he'd just leave your poor baby in a soiled nappy forever, or frantically call round all the women in his family and friend circle to do it for him. Every time.

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