Awful parents evening reception

[Freddyfor]

Just had parents evening and I'm so upset for my DS he's 4. He started the school in Januray as we relocated , he also had a new baby brother arrive at the same time - who was in NICU for 5 weeks .

His old school loved him great report, the new teacher didn't say one positive thing about him and he genuinely is such a lovely boy . She said his concentration is awful (worst in the class, not badly.behaved just zones out ) and he's behind on blending/phonics . He is hit and miss with concentration at home he will always concentrate on something he wants to do i.e lego , playdoh, painting . But reading for example sometimes he will do it gladly other times not so much.

She mentioned eye contact when she was trying to take a picture when he first started, he's actually amazing with eye contact and I really don't think he has autism as I've watched for signs as ny DB has it. Q

Obviously he's had a lot.of chnage and I feel incredibly guilty. She also mentioned he plays with people but sometimes also will play on his own is this not normal ? He loves other children he had lovely friends in his old school and now I feel awful for pulling him away from it all.

Any tips on how I can help him ? Or has anyone experienced a bad recpetion report

Joining all the others on the thread who are saying take a breath and try not to worry. We lived in Germany when my daughter was 4 and she was still put down for an afternoon nap at Kindergarten! No way did they expect her to be able to do “phonics”. Back in the UK several years later, my son spent the first 6 weeks of reception aged 4 under a table. The teachers kept unsubtly suggesting to me that there was “something wrong” with him (It was the 90s!) I think he didn’t like the noise maybe? He grew out of it anyway and has an excellent job and university degree! It’s hard to zoom out and see the long term picture when you are sleep deprived and anxious about the new baby, but you know your child.

Four is tiny. I have an 8 year old who’s learning g a different language so can’t read and write in English yet. An almost 6 year old in his first year of school who also doesn’t read he’s just learning some letters.

i’m confident that one day they will both read and write in both languages.

my 3 almost 4 year old has another year of nursery and will be 5 when he starts school he won’t be doing any phonetics before then.

it’s the system that’s broke not your kid.

Snuggle up and read a book. Let him listen.

Just to reassure you my LO could barely read at all at 6. At 9 she is apparently ahead in her reading, even though it's not something she particularly enjoys.

Is she ok? That's bizarre to say about a 4 year old.

She sounds a bit clueless. A good teacher would recognise that he's just zoning out and realise that it's not bad behaviour. The word 'awful' was very unnecessary and unhelpful of her to use too.

The eye contact thing is likely that he was shy/nervous about the picture. And surely it's a good thing that he sometimes plays on his own ; doesn't that mean he can amuse himself and has the self-confidence to be alone?

@Freddyfor. Didn’t you say earlier he was reading with you? Don’t talk about the books? Does he understand what he’s reading. What happens in other countries is not relevant here as we don’t have the structured kindergarten system. We have the EY curriculum and I’d have a good look at it.

I think a school worrying about phonics already is more about the tests DC will do later. It’s obvious some DC aren’t suited to this type of learning and are forced to do it. It isn’t always interesting. It was also said to be the answer to our DCs reading attainment issues. It’s not. A broader reading diet and even memorizing words might be useful. A wider range of books is stimulating too. Phonics books are not always that great. In YR, DD had books about helicopters and fire engines before phonics took hold.

As for then leaping to concerns about him overall because of not really engaging in phonics is a leap too far. You really would have had worries in his previous school had there been Sen issues. I honestly would do your own thing with reading. He likes books so be imaginative with reading materials you provide.

I hate such young dc being labelled. Most dc do settle into school but phonics isn’t most of the day and nor is formal learning. When you see the teacher, ask about his investigative play around the maths curriculum. How are his maths skills? Is he participating in PE? Does he concentrate when a story is read in class? Is he playing happily at lunch and break? What does he show enthusiasm for? Have you been into a parent assembly (if they have one)? Has he participated happily? What’s his writing or colouring like? Does he do that at home? The teacher must observe what he can do for her progress assessment so she must know what he can do. I’d do a bit more at home to make some judgements yourself.

Thank you for this. His maths skills are great , Dad mentioned this to the teacher and she said yes but and went on to the negatives .

He does lots of drawing this morning before school for example he took an a4 paper folded it in half said it was a stroy book and drew pictures of a volcano and people in it. He then Sat on the floor with the baby and told him the story of his book. He also wrote the title of the book on the front page . He also wrote his Grans mothers day card (i told him how to spell ) but he wrote all the letters clearly. He enjoys PE so he tells me and he pictures suggest on the schools socials and does football on a weekend which he enjoys .

He also tells me he enjoys science .

Is she one of those teachers who eagerly projects her own sh*t to the kids? Or far worse: onecof those activist kind with thwarted maternal instinct? Many such cases...

You know best your son. He is going through a rough time so will have emotions about it. She needs to chill and let the child be without jumping to pathologise normal human reactions to very big changes.
And you need to get rid of your guilt, tune into your son and protect/repair/trust the bond you have with him so you can relax in knowing you have his best interest at heart.

Everything you said about him sounds perfectly normal "4yo who has had a very big change in life" behaviour.

Wishing you the best 💐🙏

He sounds a bit of a genius to me! Cuddle that lovely wee lad and let the teachers' negativity wash by you.

They have targets to meet and data to collect - all of which has nil to do with your son's happiness.

He is a child - children daydream and use their imaginations - that is who they are and it is a precious time - they are not wired up for desk learning.

@Freddyfor. I cannot see why the teacher concentrated on negatives. He’s clearly enjoying lots of the curriculum. I think this is all about conditioning for the phonics test. In my LA, when it was introduced, lots of the early readers failed it. They had sailed on by and often the very bright dc work out how to decode words and use recognition. They aren’t in the phonics box. Some dc read really well at 4! I think, from your update, you should ask for a broader assessment from his teacher on progress and joining in with all activities, and that should include maths! How one sided to just mention negatives!

He’s been through a big change. No one vaguely ethical would want to assess him for anything neurodevelopmental. Autism and ADHD are diagnoses of exclusion and there are multiple factors for his presentation. He is adjusting and he’s barely out of his toddler years. He sounds like he’s doing well and needs a bit of time and teacher who can focus on his relational needs and help him settle into the setting and grow in confidence. If he had been in the same place since nursery and there were persistent concerns from a number of people it would be very different. The only other thing I wondered is if he is a bit worried by the teacher having a different approach or getting it wrong for her.

He obviously has quite the passion for reading and writing! Everything you described there is perfect for a child in Reception. He is showing an excellent understanding of the basics of reading and writing, and the purpose of both. He's doing a fantastic job!

You said he struggles with blending and segmenting? When he's making little books like that there are a few simple things you can do to extend that. (Obviously only when you can find some time around your new baby.) Start with labelling pictures, and just writing the first sound - so 'v' for 'volcano'. Then move on to initial and end sounds - 'bk' or 'bc' for 'book'. Middle sounds will come with more practise. No need to push it - it will happen when his little brain is ready. Don't worry about correct spelling. At this stage it's much more important that he hears and writes the correct sounds in words. Another thing is you modelling sounding out and writing words. In his DIY books, writing cards, making shopping lists. Try to "think out loud' so that he can hear how it's done. As for blending, make it into a game when getting ready for school. "Can you get your b-a-g?" "Let's h-o-p to the car." Then swap roles, where he tells you what to do. That way he's practising blending and segmenting in one.

I hope this advice isn't unsolicited. (Can you tell I loved teaching Phonics? 😅)
Please tell me to do one if it is. 😏

Apologies if my previous comment - relating "worst in the class" to struggling with Maths - made you even more upset. It obviously wasn't intentional! How did it go with the teacher today?

@Freddyfor are you feeling any better about the meeting have you had chance to have a chat with his teacher today?

This is wonderful advice!
@Freddyfor

I hope you are feeling a bit better about it all today OP. I would possibly talk to the teacher again and just say how you felt following the meeting. I would tell her that you left feeling really down beat about it all, and that you didn't feel she had anything positive to say about your lovely boy. It's also worth telling her that you felt the meeting was rushed and that you have a few more questions. This gives her the chance to redeem herself a bit, and also gives you the chance to say your piece about how he is at home!

OP, it sounds like you are dealing with a lot of emotions and have been through a lot yourself.
Your DS too has lived through a lot of change so is probably still trying to recover his balance.
When my second was born, I completely underestimated the impact a new sibling would have on my first e.g. the interrupted sleep from the baby waking for feeds, to new routines and the loss of undivided attention from parents. My eldest was so tired and her concentration at school suffered. Might this be the case for your DS too?
I hope your chat with your DS’s teacher today was more positive.
I too in your shoes would be very upset and would look to be honest about it with the teacher.
You know your DS best.
I hope things improve from here on out. 💐

I’m so sorry you had such a negative experience.
I’m an ex teacher and sorry to say, death by phonics is as boring as hell, there are other ways to learn to read, like sharing stories together at home. 4 year olds spend way too much time at school now having to sit still and listen and not enough playing. He’s been through a lot of upheaval. You sound like a lovely caring mum to your little boy. I hope you get a more positive teacher next year. X

I am not questioning that but I presume the reason the teacher is telling you is so you can get help sooner rather than later, it is a good thing they told you not a bad thing

Why on earth would he be autistic??

He's four, he's still learning to socialise and speak...... Which is why he's at school.

I haven’t read the full thread but I just wanted to come on to say that I had similar feedback at all parents evenings for DD2 in year R. At one point started the assessments for ADHD. She interrupted, wouldn’t sit still, kept getting up and down, couldn’t complete simple tasks, didn’t sleep through, etc. I was so worried but stopped the assessments in the end as DH felt she just needed to mature a bit.

2 years later and she’s getting glowing reports, yes a bit chatty and impatient but keen and eager to learn and flying at reading. She just needed to mature in many ways and learn the ways of school.

I would try not to worry too much now, 4 is so little and he’s had a lot of change from what you’ve described

He is only 4 probably one of the youngest and allowances should be made for this, he will no doubt catch up in his own time.

@MadeInYorkshire69. Most YR classes really do not expect a lot of sitting still and listening. Often just for phonics and practicing writing. Maybe a class story. Lots of other learning is through play and teachers differentiate what dc do. The EY curriculum is not sitting at tables all morning and there’s outside play too. It’s a curriculum that suits most dc and this DS enjoyed his first school. There’s not evidence to say he’s not happy at this one if you read the OPs update.

I just feel the DS here is being judged a bit harshly and he will settle in next term. He’s had a lot of change recently regarding his school, teacher and home. He’s just adjusting!

Honestly, I’ve had one of those teachers recently and finally understood why so many parents are losing respect for schools in general. I think some of them are very out of sync with parents at the moment, possibly because they are going by the way they themselves were parented or their children are now grown.

The advice for parents on here is ‘parent the child you’ve got in front of you, accept them and love them for who they are’. And then the parent takes them to school and another adult is just watching and judging all day. If you are going to tell me something is ‘wrong’ with my child do tell me how we (both school and parents) should be supporting the child with that.

Sorry for the late update my baby has been in hospital since Thursday with suspected chicken pox .

I managed to speak to the teacher on Thursday she hasn't filled me with hope. She suggested I arrange 121 playdates for him with children from the class when I suggested I think its confidence/ because of all he has going on etc . I actually just think she doesn't like him for some reason , I went a stay and play recently and he tried to speak to her and she ignored him. She just can't seem to speak nicely of him . Re the phonics he came home with a book with short sentences in (what he had in his old school and I suggested we try ) and he has just sat with me and read it really well.

I asked her if this was normal for someone joining midyear and she said she's never experienced a child joining late so she has no idea...she also informed she's sat at the back on the corner of the mat since he's joined . She has suggested he could so a show and tell to the class on something he likes.

So I'm filled with 0 confidence in her

I'm sorry it's such a shame, he is so young l am sure that he will pick up next year with a different teacher.