Awful parents evening reception

[Freddyfor]

Just had parents evening and I'm so upset for my DS he's 4. He started the school in Januray as we relocated , he also had a new baby brother arrive at the same time - who was in NICU for 5 weeks .

His old school loved him great report, the new teacher didn't say one positive thing about him and he genuinely is such a lovely boy . She said his concentration is awful (worst in the class, not badly.behaved just zones out ) and he's behind on blending/phonics . He is hit and miss with concentration at home he will always concentrate on something he wants to do i.e lego , playdoh, painting . But reading for example sometimes he will do it gladly other times not so much.

She mentioned eye contact when she was trying to take a picture when he first started, he's actually amazing with eye contact and I really don't think he has autism as I've watched for signs as ny DB has it. Q

Obviously he's had a lot.of chnage and I feel incredibly guilty. She also mentioned he plays with people but sometimes also will play on his own is this not normal ? He loves other children he had lovely friends in his old school and now I feel awful for pulling him away from it all.

Any tips on how I can help him ? Or has anyone experienced a bad recpetion report

Absolutely agree with this - I have similar with my kids but the other way around - eldest is one of the oldest in her year and little one is the youngest in her class. I know there has to be a cut off somewhere but it feels really unfair thinking about what the little one is doing now in year 1 and how at almost the same age her sister was in reception and the vastly different expectations on them as a result.

The difference between my littlest now in year 1 and the same time last year in reception is
vast - she was ‘behind’ in phonics (even though only 4 and a half!) and sticking with one or two friends. Now she is reading confidently, reads voluntarily and has lots of friends. Your little boy will be fine OP 😀

Also, are they using the same phonics scheme as the previous school? That could also make a difference.

Your son has just had three months in a brand new school with a load of other change to contend with. I honestly wouldn’t worry. It’s like starting a new job- it can take a while to warm up to it all and settle down.

Aww,he's still so young. I really wouldn't worry. Just concentrate on making him feel secure and happy.My eldest DD is a late August baby and started school the day after her 4th birthday. I got called in by a her concerned teacher,worried that she couldn't hold a pencil properly. I pointed out that she'd been a 3 year old only days earlier,and that she'd got plenty of time to catch up. She graduated with a First last year,so her reception year didn't hold her back!

They are using a different phonics scheme and I known he's found that confusing as he's mentioned they are learning in a different way

Ah OP this was me at EVERY parents evening with my son in primary school. When he hit first year of secondary school he just popped like popcorn and knew what he had to do. Every teacher I sat with said he was awesome. I remember sitting down waiting to hear the negative and when it didn’t come I was delighted. Please don’t worry at the age of 4

Thank you this makes me feel better . I had sepsis this was why baby was born early. And my bodies only just recovering slowly , coupled with the NICU juggle , new house etc.

I know he's not done enough learning with me and to much screen time . So I feel doubly awful and like I've let him down.

I had one child doing jolly phonics and the other doing a different thing (they go to two different primary schools) it confuses me so much, so I can only imagine he is adjusting. The teacher sounds a right misery.

Different schools have a different expectations and a different cohort! Some classes at e supper bright others more mixed. They are being compared on a scale and next to other students.

Ok so he zones out - it’s all still new, new schools, new friends, new ways of doing things.

He’ll get there! I don’t know any adults who can’t read.

My goodness - this thread is a sad read!
Former Reception teacher here - parents' evenings are a place to discuss concerns, but they 1 - shouldn't be the first time it is mentioned, and 2 - should be 99% positive. It's Reception! And he's been there 3 months!!
It is very common for children of that age to play alongside a peer, and not with them. We call that 'parallel play' and it's completely "normal".
A 4/5 year olds attention span is limited, especially when it's something they're not keen on. Any learning activities should be short and sharp, and - as much as possible when you have e 30 kids to think about - preferably linked to a child's interests and learning style. I would question their timetable- is there enough physical movement incorporated in to each lesson? I.e. Not a 30 minute session sat on the carpet!

Eye contact - many children struggle to maintain eye contact, especially with a new person in a new environment.

Making new friends in an already (somewhat) established class group is difficult. She should be giving your son a little more grace!

And saying that he is the "worst in the class" is absolutely abhorrent. She shouldn't be mentioning any other children. This aspect I would genuinely take to the Head. Pitting your child against his peers in that way is awful. Would she say, "X is bad at Maths. In fact, he's the worst in the class". NO, obviously not! So she shouldn't be making comments like that around his listening and concentration.

How's his hearing @Freddyfor

My son needed grommets and he struggled with a noisy environment to understand which sounds to listen to and so zoned out.

Try offering him a biscuit while he has his back to you and there's other noise like TV.

My son didn't get on well with phonics because I don't think he could hear the differences properly. I think lockdown actually did him a favour as we did more of the old fashioned learning by sight/repetition and he came on pretty quickly with that.

Keep an eye out for other options and keep up reading with him.

I also wouldn't take it that the teacher doesn't like him. She's got 10 minutes and several things she wants to raise with you so has probably just focused on these.

He’s four. Do not let her (in your mind) pathologise perfectly normal behaviour.

I was told that ours isn’t ready for school, is behind in phonics, does odd things with numbers and refuses to hold a pen properly.
Apparently he just loves the outdoor provision and wants to play either with friends or by himself out there and is reluctant to sit inside.
I essentially laughed and said that he was a 4 year old boy and that if I was him, I’d love to be outside too.
The teacher lightened the ‘negatives’ by saying ours had great empathy, was good at sharing and was a good friend. I said I would take that over sitting still and knowing all his sounds.
if it reassures you at all, our eldest was also a summer baby, and struggled the first few years of primary school.
In hindsight I maybe should have delayed him starting a year, however he’s now in high school and in the top half of his class for all subjects, he has friends now, he struggled socially when smaller.
As long as your little one is happy, despite all the big changes, I’m sure he will find his feet and thrive.

Oh and this is absolute rubbish. You sound lovely and have in no way let him down. I wonder if you are perhaps viewing the comments more negatively than intended because you feel guilt about this period (even though you have no reason to).

Learning isn't linear. My son was a slow starter with reading but he's now in his last year of primary and has caught up and is in the higher group.

I always say if you put him in a graph it wouldn't be a nice straight line but stepped - can't do it, can't do it, no progress, ready to tear my hair out, oh you're doing it (how did that happen)

Thank you for this so appreciated. She said he is social and has made friends but sometimes plays alone. He was playing tick with a boy in his class on the way home today. But I agree she should have helped him more .

Now you've put the worst in the class into context it does sound bloody awful. I cried walking home, well sobbed .

Could it be that you are having a difficult time at the moment OP and just remembered the negatives that the teacher said? In the kindest way you do sound a little overwhelmed/anxious.

It doesn’t sound like she mentioned ADHD or ASC though? Or recommended further steps like discussions with the SENCO or pursuing an assessment?

She might just have been noticing some behaviours without drawing any particular conclusions about them.

I think it’s worth trying to keep an open mind when teachers raise stuff like this, in general they’re trying to help. I also had fairly difficult feedback at the Reception parents’ evening for one of my DC which shocked me but did help with getting them support.

Oh for goodness sake! - he's not "behind" in anything - he's 4! If he were in Europe he would not even be anywhere near a school, let alone being asked to learn phonics!

Ignore it all - cuddle him, read to him, enjoy him.

She did mention SENCO because I asked what next steps would be if he doesn't improve over the next few months . But that's because I asked.

He's joined a smaller reading group which she says should help him. I've asked every week how he's doing and always write in his reading book and I've never had anything negative until now .

She didn't say anything positive . However I did push her on the negatives and then we had to leave as she was running half an hour behind and the school was closing so we didn't have much time .

But I 100% agree that I'm probably feeling anxious/ overwhelmed and feeling like I've let him down . X

Don't feel awful OP. You can now put it right. The teacher has voiced her concerns, you have listened and can now act. Ditch the screens (he is too young for them anyway), hand baby over to Dad for a while and focus on helping your lovely boy. Just 15 minutes a day, every day will see him right and it will be lovely bonding time for you too. He has years ahead of him in school - Reception is important but doesn't completely define him.
To say 'worst in the class' isn't great of her. She should be focusing on the child she is talking about, not comparing him to others.

I feel for you @Freddyfor . My son had a terrible time in reception. We'd moved house and he'd left his nursery - basically much of his life totally changed. His teacher didn't get him at all and handled it terribly IMO. she was unboundaried, giving the kids sweets and had favourite families. She suggested he might need a mental health referral at our first parents evening! She also said he was behind academically and 'may make some progress in maths'. He was more settled in his second year of primary school with another more experienced teacher but probably could have done with starting school at 6 years old. He's now a delightful well adjusted 18 year old with an offer to study at Cambridge. Sit tight - it's way too early to be drawing any firm conclusions about what's going on in most cases.

Thank you. The baby has had horrendous reflux which has meant we haven't been able to put him down night or day so we've been doing shifts and I've been expressing feeds which really hasn't helped, and Dad's in work of an evening and the baby couldn't go down. He weighed 3 pounds when born so can't risk the weight loss so all of this hasn't helped .

However we seem to have gotten it under control last week with new medication, so this week he's had hardly any screen time as I've been able to put the baby down and be with him .

4 and 'at school' and 'his old school' do not belong in one sentence in any civilised country, which ours is sadly not.

@Freddyfor our school recently changed to a new phonics scheme a term into reception, they started from the very beginning again and are still catching up to where they normally are at this time in the school year. It's a massive change for them and could be the main reason why he is struggling....