Awful parents evening reception

[Freddyfor]

Just had parents evening and I'm so upset for my DS he's 4. He started the school in Januray as we relocated , he also had a new baby brother arrive at the same time - who was in NICU for 5 weeks .

His old school loved him great report, the new teacher didn't say one positive thing about him and he genuinely is such a lovely boy . She said his concentration is awful (worst in the class, not badly.behaved just zones out ) and he's behind on blending/phonics . He is hit and miss with concentration at home he will always concentrate on something he wants to do i.e lego , playdoh, painting . But reading for example sometimes he will do it gladly other times not so much.

She mentioned eye contact when she was trying to take a picture when he first started, he's actually amazing with eye contact and I really don't think he has autism as I've watched for signs as ny DB has it. Q

Obviously he's had a lot.of chnage and I feel incredibly guilty. She also mentioned he plays with people but sometimes also will play on his own is this not normal ? He loves other children he had lovely friends in his old school and now I feel awful for pulling him away from it all.

Any tips on how I can help him ? Or has anyone experienced a bad recpetion report

When school tells you there is something ‘wrong’, like phonics being behind, it is very easy to jump to thinking it is something you have to fix. That might be the case if it were toiletting, but teaching phonics is the schools job. Your response should be ‘I am sorry to hear that, what measures have you put in place to address this?’

OP gently I think you need to take a step back. The teacher is seeing these things at school in her classroom. Just because your son isn’t like that at home doesn’t mean he isn’t acting another way at school. Kids also change as they learn and grow. You list all the wonderful things he is (and I’m sure they are true) but she sees him differently with being a professional who sees a lot of children. But he's four. Four.

He’s only young and is settling in. You were limited for time and she wanted to address some things with you - so you want to speak to her again (please don’t just spring this on her without making an appointment) so that she can give your son a compliment? Because you mentioned that this bothered you - so what are you looking for here? I’m genuinely asking what you want here except for her to maybe see what you do?

See her in a few weeks when he is more settled and ask for an update. It’s wasn’t awful, it just wasn’t the way you see your kid or what you wanted to hear - wouldn’t you rather know things to watch out for than just be placated?

Honestly and again I say this gently it sounds like the image you have of him and the image the teacher has of him aren’t the same and it’s bothering you she doesn’t see him as you do.

Your son sounds fine to me, op. He's only four, what on earth was she on about?

Honestly parents evenings have so little time and they have to use them well to communicate the key points. I remember my son's one in nursery (part of school) and the teacher pulled me in early and spent ages saying how lovely my son was and it was a bit weird and cryptic and eventually it turned out she wanted to refer him for an autism assessment. And I was thinking why didn't you just open with that (but being probably autistic myself maybe I think that way)
So maybe your teacher would have suited me better and my teacher would have suited you better!
I think you should probably keep the conversation going with the teacher, if they are at the door in the morning you can just let them know how he is at home, or at pickup you can just ask how he was that day, just to guage how things are going rather than saving it for parents evening.
Good luck!

I think it’s worth keeping the teacher’s concerns in the back of your mind, but honestly, you know your boy best. We moved our youngest between schools at 4 and he went from this happy, social, friends with everyone kid to suddenly the new teacher telling me he was just a “lone wolf” who didn’t really like the other kids and was just naturally quiet and antisocial. I honestly felt like we’d taken him from somewhere that knew, loved and understood him to somewhere where they didn’t get him at all, and hadn’t taken the time to try. It turned out that school wasn’t a good fit in a myriad of other ways (they discouraged us from allowing him to learn the alphabet at 4 as it might “awaken his intellect to early” 🤣), but he’s settled so much better into his new school and hasn’t had any problems at all.

All this to say, it is so hard when you feel like your kid isn’t being seen or understood. I’d try to work collaboratively with the teacher as she gets to know him better, and keep an eye on the things she’s mentioned, but also remember he’s still so little and like you said, he’s had a lot of life changes lately. Just keep doing what you’re doing - loving him and supporting him as best you can. Fwiw, I think he sounds fantastic!

Being the youngest of the year at 4 in a classroom is tough. My MIL is a teacher and always said it hits them really hard at that age, but they usually catch up by age 7.

I'm not saying he is the best at phonics or reading i haven't got a false picture of him in my head . I agree with her that he doesn't enjoy phonics and struggles I've said this . I'm not sure where I'm disagreeing with that . It's a worry of mine .

But I what I do know is he is a gentle boy that's not going to suddenly change in school and never has in his other nursery, childminder and school. She never said he was badly behaved just he zones out. I find the eye contact comment re the picture absolutely ridiculous other than that I'm not saying I don't agree with the blending . He can blend but struggles.

He's 4 , of course I want to hear any concerns but I also think there could have been one positive thing about him. It's harder as his old school were great with him and this move is on us.

I'm going to speak to her after school today as we were rushed out of the appt as the school was shutting .

Thank you so much . I think this is it i feel like he's gone from somewhere that gets him to somewhere that doesn't! Watching him thrive in one school to not thriving in another is hard.

If the teacher didn’t have anything positive to say about your child in a 10 minute interaction, I’d be inclined to wonder about her methods. Your son is with her for some considerable time during 5 days a week & has had a lot of change, new house, new school, new baby.

some children perform better with different teachers, she/he sounds negative and that might be why things aren’t going very well

Sorry to read what you have all been going through @Freddyfor it must have been very scary. It's really sad to feel as though your little one isn't having the best of times at school. I think it's really hard for the younger children in a class and it's easy with such big classes and bigger personalities to switch off a bit.
You are all still setting in to your new lives maybe the upcoming Easter break will give you all chance to catch your breath and then the Summer term is pretty short and hopefully a new teacher will be a more positive interaction.
I wouldn't worry too much about how he's doing at this age and just read with him as much as possible
I hope if you speak to the teacher today she is a bit kinder. 💐

This school system is #!!
A 4 year old is so young, he is acting like a child that age, he prefers lego and playing over concentrating on things, plus they are in that environment for 6 hours, awful.
Yes I know many children are ready for the challenge , but the vast majority are not.

He may be 4 but maybe it is easier if someone noticed signs to get whatever support or help is needed now rather than when they are older, sure the teacher could be having some sort of personality issue with him, but the teacher would have seen lots of kids so if they notice something maybe there is a reason rather than you feeling judged or whatever else you think maybe see what help there is instead

Thank you x

Of course I'm seeing what help there is . I have asked her to feedback in his reading book more. I will get him extra 121 support .

I'm not sure where anywhere I have said I'm not going to help him or see what help is available? Far from it . I will do everything in my power to support him .

This!

She’s bonkers. ‘Behind in reading and phonics’ at age 4????

I think it’s really poor the teacher didn’t say anything positive. My children are grown up now, but I had something similar said about DS1 when he was in reception. The teacher said “she had never seen anything like it”, if I recall it was about his lack of engagement and she was close to retirement so very experienced. In fact there was nothing wrong at all. He graduated from a top university with a 1st and is now enjoying a great career. I also had a DS who started reception 2 weeks after his 4th birthday and no was was he reading or blending phonics.

OP, I have learnt over the years to take teachers assessment of my children with a big pinch of salt and believe in my own assessment and it worked for us. I think partly teachers don’t really know our children that well. They teach 30 children and often there are some children who will take a lot of their time, so how can they. An impossible job.

I think it was poor form of the teacher to only raise concerns about your boy without saying anything positive.
Having had three children with disabilities go through primary school, this is v unusual, and says far more about her than your son. It will not just be you who has left parents evening feeling like this.
However, whist delivered in an uncaring way, it's worth responding to her concerns as she may have lots of experience with children this age.
They will probably come to nothing(especially given the circumstances with a move and new baby), but from experience I have found it best not to totally dismiss these things.
As others have said, watch and wait and continue to help your child with reading.
I hope you have a nicer teacher next year.

I don’t think you need to worry but just wanted to say that from what I understand eye contact is only one of many possible things to bear in mind when diagnosing a child with ASD (autism)

A consultant in a different specialism said to me about my son “He can’t be autistic, he’s looking me in the eyes!”

Fast forward a year and my son was given an ASD diagnosis.

My son’s younger sister is in reception and she has been given ‘working towards expectations’ in most of her subjects rather than ‘meeting expectations’. Her big brother has never met expectations in any of his subjects yet. I don’t mind though - they’re lovely children and they’re happy children who are trying their best. Try not to take this stuff too much to heart.

He’s only four and on his second school already, plus his little sibling has been unwell. That’s enough for him to be a bit unsettled and distracted at school. Honestly, I wouldn’t worry at all at this stage.

He’s so young and just finding his feet in a new environment. I remember my son at four and he had a terrible parents evening when all they said was negative things about him. I was really upset afterwards and then felt quite cross as there must’ve been something good to say about him!

He’s now 13 and doing really well at school with a lovely group of friends, and I do sometimes think about that parents evening and how far we have come.

Try not to take it to heart he’s so little and this is just a very small blip.

I have several children with SEN and have only encountered this kind of negative teacher once when my son first started school.
She had nothing good to say about him (this was before he was diagnosed) at his first parents evening.
In every walk of life there are good and bad and this teacher was just horrible. It turns out there were many parents really upset with what she'd said about their kids.
My friend helped with reading in the class and actually reported her to the head for how she shouted at some of the children constantly.
However, I've also sat in parents evenings and felt that the teacher was being honest and fair in their less-than-glowing appraisals of my children. It's probably best to take it on the chin and work out what you can do to support your child in some of the areas they need help in. He's so little and one term to the other can be vastly different. One of my kids went from this level in reception to greater depth across the board from year 2 onwards.

its really disheartening when things like that get said, I’ve had it. I think your doing the right thing speaking to her again, but you could always email and say following on from the parents evening your concerned and a bit upset and want a meeting, because it’s hard when other parents are around after school and over hearing. I would ask what the day looks like for him, like when is he like this, is it during the phonics bits ect! Are they doing anything like a bit out of the box to encourage him. Honestly schools can be so frustrating, he’s 4 he needs to play to learn. Also, like you say if there is anything neurodiverse you will support him but it was like they hadn’t said anything before to even suggest and then said it all at parents evening. Xx

Just a v quick note to suggest a hearing check and see if glue ear might be a factor. The bit in your op about concentration made me think about it because my youngest really struggled in year 2, really started to detach in class, lack of concentration etc, and long story short it was glue ear... Grommets later he's back to his old self

To put things in a broader perspective most Scottish children are still in nursery playing while your ds is a school - my early March DD was nearly five and a half when she went to school and had to do what your 4 year old is doing - so he is doing great! He's still very young, dealing with change and all will settle I am sure.

Okay I get it. You aren’t there in your mind and not ready to hear anything that doesn’t agree with you. The things you have replied with I haven’t said or implied and I understand why you are defensive. Good luck.