Why is my dd so emotionally stunted?

[KTNoo]

dd1 (7 next month) has always been high maintenance. Never played well on her own, always wanting attention, gets into big tangles over everything, you know the type.

She's extremely academic and an obsessive rule follower so school in the learning sense has never been a problem. Socially, however (at school and home and everywhere really) she is just so DIFFICULT. She tries to play with younger brother and sister but goes totally over the top, almost hysterical. It's like she doesn't know how to just play and enjoy, and has some rule system going in her head all the time. Honestly, I think she would have done better in Victorian times when you just said what was expected of you rather than what you actually felt.

I was brought up in a very stiff upper lip, keep up the appearance kind of way, and I have made a lot of effort to be open and encourage expression of emotion with my dcs. So why does she find it so difficult? My other 2 have no problem. She's also incredibly black and white about everything and finds imaginative/creative things hard. I have tried the "How to talk so kids will listen" approach to try to get her to problem solve a bit more, but she just gets annoyed with me and says "But you're not telling me what I need to do!"

Does anyone else have a child like this? How can I help her?

dd doesn't do anything as unsocial as you describe, heated.

She copes reasonably with some change as long as she is well-prepared. We have had outbursts when something is not what she expects, and although we do prepare her in advance, sometimes in life you get a surprise like it or not.

Heated - you have pretty much described my DD there other than the aggressive bit, she will just just scream the place down. LOL

KTNoo - The thing is with AS, it is often a case of now you see it and now you dont. Bright children with AS do learn to mask alot of there issues, my DD stil being so young is still not at that point. Children with AS are also very differant just like any child.

This article by tony attwood on girls with AS is quite accurate.

www.aspergerfoundation.org.uk/infosheets/ta_girls.pdf

Reading your later posts, maybe you need to switch off a bit from what you feel is her insicerity. I seem to remember similar issues with dd and it hasn't come to anything nasty. Often minimum reaction is best.

Very likely it means she is feeling a bit insecure and realises that her real feelings are not what she can express. Well, that's not really a great tragedy iyswim, happens to most of us. Really, the only thing that grates on you is that she hasn't quite learnt to carry it off yet. Still, you'll have to admit that it's a step forward from my dd who tried to wrench little brother's arm off! (though I also remember a certain amount of hyper and rather unconvincing enthusiasm).

In a few years she'll be able to do the fake enthusiasm seamlessly- as we all have to do from time to time.

About fairness, I would do a sort of middle course. As a child of a larger family, I do remember the importance of cakes sliced into exactly equal pieces (dh doesn't get this!). But when it comes to things like money and the amount of seconds spoken, I think you can compromise between recognising their (reasonable) need for fairness and not always changing your plans accordingly. You can gently explain that x might get a bit more now and y will get more another time. Just don't get upset when they react against it, it's part of being a sibling. So is "you love him more than meee!!!". Just don't fall for it.

As for the silly voices, I have to admit ds's baby voices drive me up the wall. But I do find a brief affectionate acknowledgement (answering in a joke baby voice) and then changing the subject to a more adult one works better than 5 minutes of telling off.

does she do any activities? Movement therapy is brilliant for this kind of problem, but an expressive kind of dance class would work well, because there's no reliance on talking unlike other drama/creative play type sessions it becomes a bit easier to express yourself and also there is a bit of leeway with doing it on your own and interacting with others so you can take it one step at a time. I really recommend it, or indeed some kind of music therapy. do you live in London?

About faking enthusiasm. I still have to do this a lot. Most of the time if I SAID what I was actually THINKING I wouldn't be able to function in society.

KTnoo, I don't think there is anything actually wrong with your daughter. I get that she is as annoying as all hell, but kids often are.

Does she read a lot? I reckon getting her started on some proper novels would be a good idea, would give that little brain (which is obviously moving at an alarming rate!) somewhere to go.

Try fantasy/sci-fi there are very clear cut "sides" in both genres, which she might enjoy as she likes the idea of rules/fairness etc.

Good luck. While I do agree with some of the other posters that you possibly do prefer your son, I don't think that there is anything actually unusual or exactly wrong about that, some kids are more likeable than others.

Just adding my support again KTNoo and I think you've had some excellent advice.you clearly love your dd and want to help her.
For those of you convinced of favouritism and concerned with fairness please come and spend a weekend at my house. I honestly don't think you can grasp this issue without living with a child like my ds1.Let it impact every single nook and cranny of your family's life and then comment.
I honestly had no idea how beautifully simple and straight forward children could be before I had my twins. Of course KTNoo doesn't prefer her ds she's simply saying that ordinary every day tantrums and needs are not as hard work - I whole heartedly agree.
My family life is infinitely richer because of my ds1 and also much tougher!

but i think it's not unreasonable to favour an easier child, so long as you're aware you are doing it (and in so doing possibly making the less easy one worse.) but surely you have to start off by recognising it?
none of us knows what is really going on but if KT says 'I honestly don't think she has aspergers. I would have sought help much earlier if I suspected that', then all she's got is a more precocious, demanding child. getting cross with her for her (imo not unreasonable but clearly irritatingly persistent) demands is counter-productive if that's the person she is. all we can do is go on what's posted, after all, we don't live in KT's house.

Once again thank you all for your support and advice.

luckylady you sum it up perfectly. I truly and honestly love all my children equally but I definitely think dd1 is much more wearing than the others. It's just a fact. dh says it too and he doesn't have a similar personality to her at all.

morloth what you say is helpful. And yes dd does read a lot - she flies through whole Roald Dahl books in half a day. She reads and re-reads everything she can get her hands on. It has definitely helped occupy her so she's not demanding to be entertained all the time.

cosima no we don't live in London. Not sure how she would react to that kind of activity - I agree it might get away from the structure thing but I think it would make her very uncomfortable as she finds it so difficult to let herself go.

Meantime I will concentrate on ignoring the silly voices and facial expressions (and the strange high pitched little giggle every few minutes - noticed it for first time today!) and try to give her enough time with me to really talk properly.