I can’t stand my 3yo

[Blueowlnight]

Idk why I’m here, I just don’t know where else to turn. Life with my 3yo is just shit. Endless demands, endless screams, endless shouting, endless talking to me like shit, acting like a baby, not engaging in tasks I know she can do. She’s always been hard to parent, and I’ve just reached a point where I have no enjoyable time with her, I dread my days with her.

ive really tried to be a gentle parent, I feel like I largely get the balance right. And then I have a day like today where i lose my head at her because she won’t leave me alone when I’ve asked for space, and because she demands I undress her even though I know she can do it. I basically put her in a timeout because I couldn’t deal
with the shouting and screaming any more. I said I’d never do that.

Ive read so many books, I really do know where I’m going wrong. I just can’t stand it and our relationship has tanked from my side because I just don’t want to be around her. Idk where to turn, I’m so ashamed and just generally burnt out by her. I wish it would end.

Oh God I could have written this when my eldest was 3. Worst year of my life. Also a difficult child to parent since birth but 3 was a whole different, terrible ball game.

What’s your set up? Are you home with her all the time? Any other siblings?

I knew as soon as I saw the title this would involve ‘gentle parenting’

It isn’t working for her

literally the day my child turned 3 they morphed from my beautiful baby into an utter nightmare. So much for terrible twos that was nothing it is 3 people should be afraid of!! Some days it irritates me how difficult they are most days I’m impressed at just how much cognitive process has gone into making my life difficult. I’m sure when they can communicate full what they need and self regulate their emotions they will become a breeze. Hang in there and if the time out works maybe go with it. I find most of the things I do successfully I do by doing things I said I’d never do. But don’t listen to me follow your instincts and what you need

You're not alone OP ❤️

I had some behavioural issues with my son from the age of approx 18m -3.5 years. It was a lot of regular 'toddler things' but he had an issue with food which I won't go into detail about I was petrified to go anywhere with him as I was so anxious there would be an almighty meltdown or situation that ultimately would end up in me having to tackle him into a pram, car seat etc and being wacked or scratched. I felt miserable. On top of it all his sleep was diabolical and we were like zombies.

It's so so hard when you're in the heat of the moment to stay calm.

Do you have any support from family and does she attend nursery? How is she at nursery or other activities like playgroups etc.

One thing I have learnt is that often when they ask you to do something for them that you know they can do, it's a sort of cry for comfort from them or their way of asking if you love them etc. they just don't know how to express it.

One other thing I have learnt is sometimes the best thing to do if you are both getting frustrated then just stop and have a cuddle. I know it's not always possible if you're rushing out the door etc but it helps to reset the situation.

ive really tried to be a gentle parent

Can you say more about being a gentle parent?
Toddlers need to hear the word "No", they need to be shown what's right and wrong have firm boundaries and lots of attention and patience. It's fine to let them see they've crossed a line. Toddlers who get plenty of positive attention do not usually act up too much and toddler tantrums have to be dealt with patiently and calmly. But none of that is gentle parenting imv, just parenting.

She has the full 30 hours of childcare. I live with my partner and we have an 8mo, too. I know that I’m so tired and I’m not well today which doesn’t help. We don’t have any family help, and I never get anytime childfree until bedtime.

I understand gentle parenting pretty well and I’m happy to hold a boundary and say no. I’m not permissive. My problem is I’ve reached a point where I think I’ve burnt out of positivity to give her, which I know is making it worse 😮‍💨

I feel so bad, we went to bed and I had apologised for losing it but I still found it hard to be truly loving and just couldn’t wait to get out of there. I can’t believe I’m becoming this cold parent I always said I wouldn’t be.

Might she have a hidden medical issue, like celiac if she is constantly screaming and shouting, might be worth visiting the gp?

Yes.
It rarely works for anybody, parent or child.

Give yourself a break if you can. You have your hands full and your dc are at the most difficult age, you must be so exhausted with work, toddler and a baby. Tomorrow is a new day. Can you get a baby sitter or some respite from grand parents? DOn't feel too guilty about being a bit cold at bed time just once of course this wouldn't be good in the longer term. Make it up to her tomorrow. Does your dh help?

Stop apologising. It scares kids by putting your adult emotions on them. Stop with the false and relentless positivity, it sounds like overkill and a thin veneer to cover your annoyance. Lurching from smiley and praising one minute to snapping the next is confusing to her.

I suspect it's the adjusting to having a little sibling that's causing this. I am in the exact same situation so no words of advice, just lots of solidarity 😭🙏

at 3 years old your DD is testing you.
She doesn;t feel safe enough with you as you are not firm enough.

I remember my D D being 3 and it was a testing time. You have to make sure your child knows you are in charge. That doesn't mean shouting or angry it does mean being decisive. And clear in your dealings. If she won't get dressed by herself you need to give her time to figure out you mean it. If you need to rush then do it for her and repeat when you have time.
Don't react to her, simply go ahead with getting the task done, showing her that she will be dressed and not allowing to be diverted.

I am the opposite of a gentle parent and haven’t really experienced the terrible twos or threes with any of mine (aged 7 is a different story though).

in my experience, people that think they are doing gentle parenting are giving children unclear and inconsistent messages despite thinking they are following it to the letter. Haven’t seen you in action so I wouldn’t know.

Are you -
-clear (and repetitive) with your expectations,
-using a firm voice when needed ,
-sticking to your guns when you say yes or no -putting consistent consequences in place for both good and poor behaviours,
-making sure all the adults in her life are consistent
-having quality you and her time without baby.

What would a trip to to super market involve behaviour wise. What convo would you have beforehand, inside and afterwards? What would happen if she misbehaved whilst in shop?

You need a day off. Like a full day. Can you get your 8 month old into childcare for just one day while your three year old is there? The rules are: no cleaning, no shopping, no chores. Do something you used to do before kids. Sleep, shower, swim, paint, bake - just for you. A whole day. You can’t pour from an empty cup, you need this x

3 is a really tough age. My 3 year old really pushes me sometimes and it’s definitely harder than when she was 2. Be kind to yourself. We all have bad days, especially when we’re exhausted.

We always joke that my 3 year old has oppositional defiance disorder - honestly sometimes you feel like your sanity is being tested. She melted down this morning because I said put on your Tshirt (she’s calling them jumpers now), gave the wrong name to her toy, asked her to sit in her car seat etc… She screamed at her dad when he got home because he wouldn’t go in her tent. But she also has lovely little conversations sometimes and is apparently very good in nursery. I collect her from nursery though and it is strops the rest of the afternoon - I think she gets tired and over stimulated after a few hours of play but she does love it! I also find if I need a break or need to get stuff done (as she climbs on me constantly) and put on tv certain shows make her worse - if it’s an educational one and we keep it to under an hour she is fine and will happily go play but if it’s cartoon series and she watches over an hour her behaviour is a lot worse and goes nuclear when I turn off the tv. It is so hard to get it right! Shops are a nightmare as she gets totally overstimulated and decides she has to have everything! I have told her today that I am very upset with her and she laughed her head off about it - in the morning she will likely wake up lovely and a chatty delight - it’s very Jekyll and Hyde. Everyone I know says it doesn’t last forever - deep breaths!! My partner does most bedtimes now to give me a break, it definitely helps!

One thing I do try to remember is the part of the brain that deals with emotional regulation is not fully developed at this age so sometimes the emotions are explosive but it’s not being naughty, it’s just things that are minor to us are huge to them as their brains can’t process it yet. I try and talk to her when she calms down about her behaviour and how it affects those around her - I am hoping it may gradually sink in. There are quite a few times that I have gotten cross (human and not perfect) but I find it escalates her behaviour rather than defusing it. There are some nice picture books on emotions that are all about teaching kids about anger, sadness etc… we try reading some of those in the hopes that someday it’ll click. Just remember that she is learning and this is not who she will be forever, be kind to yourself and embrace the good moments even if they are short lived!

Loads of solidarity OP - my once beautifully calm and well behaved DD has been a terror since turning 3.5 years old. We have a four month old baby too, and I have a feeling it may be a response to her new sister arriving (not that she says that, she adores her baby sister). Toddlers are a law unto themselves!! No advice but sending us all strength (and the patience of a saint!!)

@Blueowlnight
I agree with others that gentle parenting doesn’t really work. I was reasonably firm with mine & they would never shout or throw or be rude to me.
I can’t see how you are exhausted from them if they are in childcare 30 hours a week. You might actually find she is craving attention & so playing up. Maybe spend some 1-1 time with her & put baby into nursery instead for a day?

My DD has always been quite highly strung and age 3 was exhausting. So many tantrums/meltdowns, very stubborn and hard work. She’s now age 6 and so much easier and more relaxing to hang around with. School was a good turning point for us.

I would suggest love bombing to get out of the negative cycle.

What really helped me was when the baby napped, play a game with her where you get to just sit and rest for a bit.

My kids loved playing 'hairdressers' and 'doctors'.

It means you can sit there and spin it out for a bit. They bandage one arm and you can say "oh, this leg is poorly too. Can you take a look please?" Then get her to inspect and bandage it.

Same with hairdressers. Get her some plastic scissors and ask her to brush your hair and then tell her you need a little bit more chopping off if she stops.

She'll think you're playing together and she'll have some attention but you'll be able to shut your eyes and chill for a bit.

When my kids got older, we'd play "cinemas". I'd get them to make tickets, use the play kitchen as a ticket booth. Get them to make up bags of snacks and then sell the tickets and snacks. Then we'd watch a movie together but I would snooze!

I took my kids out it alot at that age. The farm, soft play, the park. Anywhere I could have a cuppa while they were entertained for a bit. It made the day go quickly as well and wore them.out for bedtime.

The baby and toddler stage is one that you just have to get through in the best way you can. Once they mature a bit, you can really enjoy them.

I took found 3 much harder than 2! They're called threenagers for a reason. We didn't get tantrums until mine turned three.

I even did a parenting course because I felt like I was failing them.

The best piece of advice on that course that really stuck with me was:

"What you pay attention to is what you get more of".

I feel for you. My oldest was beyond hard work at 3. I cried some days as he would just scream and shout all day about every tiny little thing.

He is now nearly 8 and I see that he is a sensitive, intelligent boy who is quite exacting and was bored of being a little kid. He loves to read, play music, pepper us with endless questions, cook, hang out and snuggle with us. I never thought I'd see the day!

Your daughter now is not a reflection of the person she's going to be one day. It will get better.

I did the gentle parenting thing and like a previous poster said, it didn't feel good or right. I understood the concept but it made me feel so guilty. There seemed to be endless ways to fuck up snd damage them. I overanalysed every interaction and felt overwhelmed with all the scripts and suggestions. Now I've been doing this gig a while my perspective has really shifted to - praise the good to build connection (God, this helps so much - do it sincerely, you don't have to be over the top), say no immediately when you mean no rather than bargaining endlessly then getting pissed off when they push it (and they will!!), remember you are the grown up and they are the child.

Good luck. You'll be posting from the other side soon.

Loads of people are going to jump on and give parenting advice but I actually just think you sound burnt out by parenting. It's absolutely a thing.

When did you last have a night away, without her? Is that an option at all? Ideally, without the 8mo too, but if that is not possible, then take them with you.

Also, when did you last have a weekend afternoon, just for you? How often do you get out for a meal or a drink with a friend?

Lastly, consider blood tests from the GP for vitamin deficiencies or just get any old massive multivitamin aimed at pregnant or breastfeeding mothers (even if you're not breastfeeding - two pregnancies in the last 4 years is killer on your body. But this x2 if you are or have breastfed in the last 4 years too).

She will grow out of it. It's a phase, a horrible one at that. I'll never forget having a grumpy toddler screaming at me around the shops because her shoelace was undone and I tied it for her 😅. They can be so unreasonable at that age!