I can’t stand my 3yo

[Blueowlnight]

Idk why I’m here, I just don’t know where else to turn. Life with my 3yo is just shit. Endless demands, endless screams, endless shouting, endless talking to me like shit, acting like a baby, not engaging in tasks I know she can do. She’s always been hard to parent, and I’ve just reached a point where I have no enjoyable time with her, I dread my days with her.

ive really tried to be a gentle parent, I feel like I largely get the balance right. And then I have a day like today where i lose my head at her because she won’t leave me alone when I’ve asked for space, and because she demands I undress her even though I know she can do it. I basically put her in a timeout because I couldn’t deal
with the shouting and screaming any more. I said I’d never do that.

Ive read so many books, I really do know where I’m going wrong. I just can’t stand it and our relationship has tanked from my side because I just don’t want to be around her. Idk where to turn, I’m so ashamed and just generally burnt out by her. I wish it would end.

My daughter was a nightmare at three. Often the tantrums were after nursery due to over tiredness and hunger. I got the hang of keeping those at bay and she seemed better. Sometimes she would still tantrum and I would put my AirPods in and listened to music until it passed (usually after ten mins or so of screaming over nothing)! My sympathies, four is a much better age x

3 year olds are brutal. I'm going through it with my nearly 4 year old and can relate to everything you said. The screaming and shouting all day has turned me into an anxious wreck.

I will say this though - I went through exactly the same with my now 5 year old, and she is now back to being an absolute angel. So there is light at the end of the tunnel!

I'd also echo what others have said - do whatever you need to carve out some time to just be alone. Things will feel so much better once you've caught up on sleep/done something nice for yourself.

My older one could be really awful at 3.5, with hindsight a lot of it was attention seeking and sibling rivalry with his baby brother, but in the throes of chronic sleep deprivation and because it started when baby was a few months old I didn't realize. He would hit the baby and push him over when he started sitting up so I couldn't take my eyes off them together never mind leave them in a room together... It was really hard but he grew out of it and is really responsible and a high flyer now. Although still has a lot of energy and a tendency to dramatics...

I agree that both of mine were trickier at 3 than 2, more deliberate boundary pushing whereas at 2 it was more tantrums because life was just too overwhelming which I was more able to sympathise with.

Sympathies OP, toddlers can be dicks. They’re at a weird in-between age where they’re too young to reason with effectively but old enough to push the boundaries.

DD is 8 now and an absolute gem but had capacity to be a terrorising demon at 3. I found that the more stressed I got, the more stressed she got and then we would both end up being dicks.

I had to learn to step back and take a breath when she kicked off. Let her get it out of her system. Most of the time she’d wear herself out of it. Nothing wrong with popping them in time-out, I didn’t go down the gentle parenting route, I was firm and she soon learned that she could have a good scream yet the outcome remained unchanged. Consistency is key. Pick your battles as well, I found that sometimes I’d say “no” when I actually could have said yes but then I was stuck in a tornado of toddler tantrum when the original toddler request wasn’t even that unreasonable but I was stuck seeing it through to the end. As soon as they smell weakness it’s game over 😂.

I’m 39 weeks pregnant with DD number 2, so all of the dick years to come once again.

This will pass for you, they do grow out of it and become reasonable creatures (most of the time ).

Definitely stop being a gentle parent.
I bet she is an angel at nursery.

I was going to say the same about the asking for help/being a baby. Annoying as it is, that's a moment to just go, OK silly sausage and do it as they aren't doing it to be mean or naughty ot lazy. It's a comfort thing.
Also the wanting a moment to yourself, I totally have been there. They just absolutely don't understand that do they. I'd probably use something high value that they aren't normally allowed to get a break. But otherwise get someone else in to watch them while you go to a cafe for an hour or something.

Also make sure you are reacting in a way that you would be comfortable with doing in public. I always found that was a good gauge of if I was getting too cross. And I'd walk away.
I like the idea of giving a hug when things are starting to spiral down. It's the opposite of what you feel like doing but actually might well stop it all in its tracks.

I'm decades older than you. I had a best friend (also family friend) who basically let her kids do whatever they wanted. All those children became adults with issues. My BF explained her reluctance to socialise in other peoples homes was down to her 'not knowing what she may do wrong' as she simply had no boundaries growing up.

I wasn’t a gentle parent, and still had absolutely hideous 3yr olds.

They were awful, they pushed and pushed and pushed. Exhausting. And messy, argumentative, stubborn, unpredictable, intensely frustrating.

I found they were worse with transitions, eg getting dressed, stopping doing one thing. I minimised friction points, picked my battles, drank too much wine in the evening. I would give lots of clear warnings on exits and changes. I also would always follow through.

You don’t wear a coat, fine but you’ll freeze . Dont want to get dressed, fine but you’re going to preschool in your nightie. Don’t eat your dinner, fine but absolutely no food until breakfast. Try to climb out of your car seat, fine but I’m stopping the car until you’re safe and we will be too late for soft play. Have a pointless tantrum in a supermarket because I said no to something you wanted, fine but I warned you and so I will not take you to another supermarket / proper shop for 6 months (genuinely did not, used online delivery and shopped when they were at nursery)

They’re mostly better now, I survived 3 of the buggers and they still love me, and I still love them.

Our 3.5 year old has started doing the baby thing a lot since her brother was born. She wants to be in the buggy, she wants help getting dressed etc - I’ve assumed it’s heavily linked to no longer being The Baby of the family and so we largely let her have these moments, even if they are annoying. (Have ended up buying a cheap double buggy haha.) I know she can do these things herself but she’s desperate for them in the moment and it just makes me sad for her. She is then much happier once she gets them. So I personally wouldn’t fight these moments unless you really have to.

@cannaecookrisotto kind of does sound like gentle parenting firm consistent boundaries and picking your battles but sticking with them. It is about consistent consequences that relate to the situation not punitive punishments. I did gentle parenting and mine are doing pretty well!
neither have ever got detentions and DD will end high school with never having a single negative

OP she is tired and a new sibling - reaffirm the parent and child dynamic bexause it sounds as if you have lost that and it is two adults fighting.
pick battles - if it has been a long day and she is tired does it matter she wants you to undress her?

she wants to be a baby bexause of her sibling. The crux is only you can implement changes to improve your relationship

Same situation here too, it's like she woke up on her 3rd birthday and chose rage! She also has a new sibling which I think has a massive impact, I try to give her a lot more attention on days when she's feeling particularly sensitive, I try not to give attention for the screaming and shouting itself but do try extra hard to play with her without getting distracted to make sure she's had connection and quality time with me.

I have a just turned 4 year old and a 2 year old. It can be overwhelming having little children need so much of you.

That's not their fault though, they are still learning everything about life (though it's easy to forget that when one is crying because they don't want to wear pants and the other is desperate to show me the same book we've read 1000 times right.that.second).

You need a break. Even if it means taking it in turns with your partner to solo parent while the other has an entire day off.

As a side note, I taught mine breathing exercises to help calm them down and accidentally found out that they really work for me too 🤷‍♀️

Also, my 4 year old likes to pretend to be a baby sometimes. We just go with it and treat it like a game. It seems to meet some kind of need. Maybe it's just an older sibling thing?

Gosh, this made me take a look at myself

Exactly.

gentle parenting only works for gentle children. Some kids need a firmer approach. Some need a mix. Some need something completely different.

id try a new approach

This doesn't work with my DD, when I play she wants to be entertained so will let me be the patient/customer for a bit but then it's her turn and I have to do it exactly right whilst she just lies/sits there letting me do all the playing, it's exhausting! And god forbid I go off script, that causes a meltdown and we're back where we started to the exact reason I was trying to spend time with her in the first place. Soft play, she wants me to go in with her and gets overly upset at the slightest inconvenience, e.g. having to wait to go down the slide.

Ditch the gentle parenting.

You put her in time out and now feel bad about it - what the heck!? You gave a firm boundary - of course she did not like it cos she wants to do whatever she wants and is in the process of learning that this cannot be - that life is not like that. Your job is to help her to learn this, not to want to be in her favour all the time.

Start being firm - firm but kind. Never negotiate with her. You are the adult and you set the rules.

It is hard when they are 3 and pushing the boundaries, but she needs you to set those boundaries. Children feel insecure when they know they can get their own way all the time. If they can manipulate their own parents, how can they rely on them to keep the scary things away in this strange world they are finding their way in?

Set some rules - do not waver from them - give her the environment in which she can feel safe.

I find this sad 😕

Sound advice.

@Mischance which is also the ethos of whst decent gentle parenting is balancing being authoritative and gentle. The gentle element involves not being arbitrary and understanding that they are tired 3 year olds who need their parents to be the adult with form boundaries but recognising that they are a small child

IMO it is the latter you aren’t doing - recognising she is a 3 year old and model your expectations around that.
and be the adult there is a lot of child behaviour from you - the space/withdrawing etc

I found things got easier once they were four. Hang in there ❤️

Gentle parenting is the issue here

Contact your health visitor and arrange an appointment to discuss your feelings about your child.

It's quite normal to have some regression and babyish behaviour when a new sibling comes along. Baby is 8 months and developing their own personality and taking up more of your attention. Your 3 year old is feeling displaced and is demanding your attention in the only way she knows how to!

Ignore bad behaviour as much as you can and distract rather than punish. Give her lots of attention and cuddles - she needs your love even when she is being unlovable. Don't get impatient if she's acting like a baby and wants help dressing etc, give her that extra care and make a game of it. Give it time, she is dealing with lots of big emotions and she's still very little.