I can’t stand my 3yo

[Blueowlnight]

Idk why I’m here, I just don’t know where else to turn. Life with my 3yo is just shit. Endless demands, endless screams, endless shouting, endless talking to me like shit, acting like a baby, not engaging in tasks I know she can do. She’s always been hard to parent, and I’ve just reached a point where I have no enjoyable time with her, I dread my days with her.

ive really tried to be a gentle parent, I feel like I largely get the balance right. And then I have a day like today where i lose my head at her because she won’t leave me alone when I’ve asked for space, and because she demands I undress her even though I know she can do it. I basically put her in a timeout because I couldn’t deal
with the shouting and screaming any more. I said I’d never do that.

Ive read so many books, I really do know where I’m going wrong. I just can’t stand it and our relationship has tanked from my side because I just don’t want to be around her. Idk where to turn, I’m so ashamed and just generally burnt out by her. I wish it would end.

I agree with previous posters that when she acts like a baby, refuses to do things that you know she can do or won't leave you alone, it's not that she's trying to be annoying (although it is annoying!), it's that she's asking for comfort from you. She sees you doing things for your 8 month old and she wants that attention from you too. I know it's difficult and tiring for you, but this is really normal behaviour for a 3yo. Hang in their OP, it will get easier I promise. This is a hard combination of ages.

This is entirely normal.. I sense you think that you are somehow in a smaller group of mums than you are - the truth is we love them but there are times they step over our boundaries so many times that it becomes hard . It ebbs and flows but the guilt persists. You sound like an amazing mum . You’re also exhausted - push towards rewards, treats and also - and I say this as a mum of three adult children .. don’t try as hard - stick the tv on or whatever and don’t try to make it too complicated for themselves. My daughter spent more time than I would have admitted in front of peppa pig . Also- the screaming might be boundaries, but also exhaustion - a 3 years old arsenal for communication is limited - they only have that to show they’re not happy. If it’s attention then look at raising lions by Joe Newman which combines gentle parenting with effective boundary setting -

The thing about gentle parenting in my experience is it only works on fairly passive children. My 3YO is a bit like yours at time, and actually time out, strict boundaries, not engaging when she’s having a tantrum (makes it 10000 times worse if you do - so none of the “I can see you’re having big feelings” etc).

I agree though it sounds like you’re more just burnt out - 3 year olds are really hard work!

Agree with this - mine acts very similar and it’s entirely down to trying to get the same level of attention as the baby. I’m working on making sure she gets good quality time with me - it’s easy to forget they’re still babies themselves really

With a new baby in the mix your DD is probably feeling usurped. They often regress and want to be babied. That means not doing the things they know they can do as that then starves them of mummy time.
my advice here would be pick your battles carefully. Would it really have been so difficult to undress her? Or so time consuming?

Time out step/chair reined all this in for us. Your staying her to calm down type thing then they should sorry before getting off and then calmly tell them why you were upset/angry etc. if they go on it 20 times in a day then so be it. They need to learn boundaries and that things are acceptable and time out is the best place so you can walk away instead of loosing your shit and just shouting and screaming all day good luck 🌺

ive really tried to be a gentle parent

Kids need rules and consequences. Adults have them - like driving on the left, or paying for your shopping (consequences are death/imprisonment for shoplifting) and kids yearn for them.

You need some boundaries and consequences - time out isn't going to hurt her and it'll give you both space to regroup.

It's awful to work with teenagers who haven't had boundaries at home. Usually in my line of work it's because parents don't give a shit but increasingly by trying to be kind the kids are actually at a disadvantage and are at a loss when faced with societal expectations.

Sounds like you need to tag team with her more and your DP takes over her when he gets home.

you can be positive and firm. Sit down with her and in ver simple terms help her understand that we don shout or scream to get what we want.

do the counting down from 10 - 1. And if you get to 1 and the bag your still continues she gets a consequence. This can just be sitting on time out or going to a reflective corner or losing some tv time. And then after you talk about the why.

I thought of writing a similar post many times, but never dared to do, as scared I sounded like a bad mom 😔 I really struggled with my 3 yo too, turned 3 when I fell pregnant and I had some health issues too, and frankly, one of the hardest year of my life! Now 4.5 yo and we're starting g to have better days in between very hard days, but it means the hard days are easier to face. I was like you for what seemed like forever! I really didn't enjoy parenting my child at all during that time, I dreaded nursery pick ups, dreaded waking up in the morning, everything was a battle, screams all the time, horrible. I too thought our bond was damaged forever. But that isn't true, it gets better, and you repair, you keep showing up, you keep going and giving it your best, and you'll both come out the other side. Hang in there!

I just want to say I understand how you feel. I viscerally resented my child for being so difficult, no matter how hard I tried or how many books I read etc etc. I didn’t want to be around her. Lots of children are like this. It doesn’t mean you are parenting wrong or that she is ND. There may be a fair amount of attention seeking if you’ve got a baby. Try and continue to love bomb and praise good behaviour because if they start feeling insecure/ anxious it can spiral and they act worse and worse. some children are so much harder than others. She’s 4.5 now and in school and the good moments do outweigh the bad now. She’s still difficult tho.

She is 3, She is little more than a baby herself and she is sharing you with a younger baby who you do things for and she cannot yet understand that she needs to be a big girl.

3 year olds don't understand the concept of giving their mother space, they can be very difficult and they will revert to babyish behaviour when they are tired and upset. Your expectations of her seem to be those for a much older child.

What family network do you have? Is there anyone available that can take both children for a day or weekend for you to get some sleep? what is your partner doing to help? talk to your HV, your daughter may be experiencing developmental difficulties.

I am not unsympathetic all mothers have been there at some point but you have to be the adult here. You and your partner must sort this before lasting harm is done by your attitude to your daughter.

Thank you everyone for your kind and validating messages, I felt like I was in a hole and I’m grateful for others sharing their similar stories. I think I probably do need a break, and then need to remember how to regulate when she’s really hitting my buttons, some good ideas in here like giving her a cuddle and remembering she’s just needing more of me

That's the trouble isn't it? Op where does your partner fit in all his? What does he do to give you a break?

If it’s any help, from an evolutionary perspective it’s quite beneficial for you to hate your 3 year old! Withdrawing love and attention when they are misbehaving will benefit them, make them more independent and realise that their actions have consequences.

I note you read a lot of books. New Toddler Taming by Paediatrician Dr Green was my go-to book when my teenagers were young. "Because Mum says so" still works, often to my amusement

Get a full-time job and put 3 year old in nursery, full. It's sad but it's not working for either of you. Ask nursery for advice. My DD was so difficult to parent and if I had my time again I'd work as much as possible. It will improve. However you are being unreasonable to ask a 3 year old for space. Best you can hope for is letting them have some screen time.

The only thing I'd add is to prioritise her over your 8mo in terms of what she sees. New babies always create a risk of alienating the siblings so if she's acting up AND feeling you detach from her then this could be making her worse.
Can you give baby to dad/grandma for a few hours so you and DD can have some special fun time? Your baby won't notice but your DD will and if she feels secure with you she'll be less likely to act up or resent the baby.
Good luck!

Yep the partner should be stepping up. You both should be getting sufficient respite and rest.

Best parenting book I've ever read - When Your Kids Push Your Buttons by Bonnie Harris.

It has basically nothing about parenting method in there but so much helpful stuff about how to detach your feelings from their behaviour.

It's only 99p on Kindle as well. I actually have it in paperback and I rebought it in Kindle because I am crap at reading paperbacks these days :D That makes it one of only two parenting books I've ever bought twice (the other was the original How To Talk).

I've been through stages where I feel genuinely flat when I know my kids are off school or they are coming home. It's normal. I have a boy and a girl with a just under 3 year gap. They take it in turns to go through a tricky stage. If my ten year old daughter isn't stropping and saying she hates me my 7 year old son is refusing to stop being annoying and winding her up. If she's being sweet. He's usually being a pain.

When mine both started school I did feel I got a chunk of my life back. Its so important to remember this is temporary. You don't hate her..you just quite understandably need a mental break. I remember paying for one more morning at the child minders just so I could have one more morning to clean up.

It's horrible when kids are always in a foul mood..I do think that this generation of children are parented differently. They are more Disrespectful. Although at 3 they are babies still really.

I just want to say I get how you feel. My kids are currently getting ready for school. My sons demanding a cornflake cake and refusing to get dressed. my daughter is snail pace getting ready. I hate the hour before school

Just to finish I do love my kids and we've made some amazing memories over the years.

Firstly, you've got an eight month old so have you thought about PND? To say you don't like a small child is quite extreme and you want to deal with it now because she will know how you feel about her and it will affect your relationship. Go to the GP and tell them you are really struggling with parenting right now and have a conversation about what can be done to help.

Secondly tell your DH and parents that you are struggling and get more help from them. Your DH in particular really needs to step up so a) you get time alone and b) you both spent one on one time with your 3 year old so she doesn't feel pushed out by the baby. The 8 month old will be weaning so you can leave them with your DH for a day and go out with your 3 year old for a fun day together. Tell her she get to choose what you do and spend some fun time together. Love bombing will help reset your relationship, she's only 3 and is crying out for one on one time with you.

It can be tough with little ones but you sound like you've got worse than normal struggles x

3 is really hard, I remember a lot of screaming… but acting like a baby? She IS a baby. Deep breaths and know how you react now is how she will react in the future. Keep structure to your day and aim for as early nights as possible.