It’s the classic “should I have a third” question…

[Illprobsregretthis]

I know this one has been done to death. But those of you with 3 or more kids: how hard is it really? I have a 2.5 year old and a 7 month old and I keep thinking I’d love a third in a few years, but then I’ve also found having 2 with this age gap incredibly draining. It’s such a weird biological impulse to completely blow up my life just as I’m about to get it back with returning to work 😂

Also would love any practical advice esp around finances… like could I even afford 3 given formula and electric / gas keeps going up and up and up? My husband and I earn approx 100K between us and have some savings but not too much.

@User7288339 and that's your opinion. Others can have theirs too. Have a good day.

Only read the first few as 'cons' so thought I'd chip in with my third being just over 1. 4 and just 6.
We did this back and forth deliberating. Why bother. But we want to sleep. We want free time and not to be busy and doing washing forever.
But then I looked at my accidental number 2 and saw the exponential joy and love she brings. And then everytime We discussed something ii and i thought about the family ticket price to X and think, oh but exponential joy for another £20, and how often would we go with 2 anyways. Or I thought about having a different car for one of - exponential joy.
Is it harder than 2, maybe and logically. But st the same time, you're doing the pick ups, the lunchboxes for nursery/sch or dropping one at rainbows whilst the other has the older gym class etc.
When that stupid 18 summer meme was kicking about on Instagram making everyone cross about giving everything to our kids for a bit, I secretly already felt a bit sad that once your youngest is what 11 or 12, they'll like eg solo shopping trips or not want to do everything as a family.
Only you can make the decision and sometimes I think its OK the heart leads if the head can rationalise things like OK, maybe we can't always have the full choice of package holidays for families...is that OK. And if it is, good luck
Fwiw, I go on holidays with my parents again now in my late thirties!! And in soke ways if I'd stuck at one child, I wonder when I would have chosen to have another and then would I choose again. I like to think so, because I love our gang and the relationships.

Basically, can you afford three teenagers? Clothes, phones, laptops, driving lessons, exam stress, friendship issues.

Also, never underestimate how much emotional support teenagers need.

If their boyfriend/girlfriend dumps them in the middle of important exams or they are being bullied at school a kiss and a cuddle won't make it go away.

Oh no absolutely just my opinion and my experience.

I was just pointing out that you were incorrect that it's people without 3 kids who are posting downsides.

And you'll find quite a few of the very positive posts haven't reached the older child/teenage years yet....

oops quoted wrong post, that was in response to @Lizbiz89

My three are now adults (how?) but I had 3 under 4 for a few months. It was easier then because car seats were not so big so you didn't need a larger car. Not sure we could have afforded that and the first few years were a struggle financially. Having them close together meant they were all at the same stage for kids activities. But it was quite brutal for gcse/a level/uni years (it's harder to get excited on uni tours). Holidays were in an old trailer tent or caravan but we loved hanging out together and they were always brilliant at sharing e. g one coke 3 straws. They are still really close now which gives me great joy. There are struggles and juggles but I have never regretted having 3

Wow, thanks everyone! Lots to think about. The general consensus seems to be “quit whilst you’re winning”… 😂

And you'll find quite a few of the very positive posts haven't reached the older child/teenage years yet....

That's nearly always the case. Not all teenagers are difficult. Mine wasn't, but outside influences - friendship issues, boyfriends, GCSE and A level stress all make life difficult for the teenagers and their families.

My husband and I were the first in our family to go to uni, and we are lucky to live somewhere with 2 unis in the city, so we just went to one of those. We stayed at home and worked part time and didn’t go to halls, and tbh so did most of my friends - it was a bit of a culture shock when I moved to London and realised people moved to far flung parts of the country for uni.

So my experience is I left uni without any debt at all, and I’d be encouraging my sons to do the same - if (if!!!) they even want to go.

If they do want to go to a uni with 15k hall fees, they can get a student loan and sort that out themselves 😂

Degree apprenticeships are increasingly the better choice too. We just don’t know what the educational landscape will look like in like 16 years when my babies will be deciding what they want to do.

Also - I’d imagine in 15/16 years I’ll have some more savings for them. I’ve just interviewed for a promotion within my company whilst on maternity leave which would hopefully take me up to about 70K 🤞🤞🤞

I also don’t come from a background where your parents would give you any money for anything really. I’ve been financially independent since I was 16 years old.

Really interesting having to think about all this!

I love having three, it is brilliant. 17, 15, 11. It's really rewarding to have teenagers and see the beginnings of the adults they will become. I think it's a breeze personally.

We had two same sex close in age who get on now we coming out the other side as dd1 18 looking back their childhoods been bloody brilliant. We have done so much with them as a family. The opposite of the pp explaining about having to divide up.

Remember holiday in Ireland the 4 of us went pony trekking. The other family doing it were the same as us but with a baby. Screaming fussing the mum didn’t take part but stayed with the baby. Dad silently did the activity with the older two on his own whilst we were doing it as a four. Encapsulated for me why we stopped at 2. Plus I could not be arsed so there was that.

That pp is being being extremely naive about university costs. Despite loans parents pay. Apprenticeships are extreme competitive. For us this was a factor. It’s not 1996 anymore.

In the same way that when I was pregnant with my first I thought “how am I going to do this?”, when he was born with a heart condition that required medication 6 times a day including during the night I thought “how am I going to do this?”; when my second was born and I had 2 under 2 for a month and could barely walk, and I thought “how am I going to do this?” But you just do!

My husband and I often speak about how we can’t believe what we did for our kids - getting 3 hours sleep over a night, enthusiastically reading Peppa Pig books whilst absolutely exhausted, memorably all of us getting norovirus and being basically locked in the bathroom for hours…

But you just do it, and make the best of it, and then in a few weeks or months or years it’s a funny story! Plus not to be cliche but there’s soo much unexpected joy in amongst the drudgery.

You will absolutely thrive and embrace the chaos over the next few years - it will all work itself out. Congratulations xx

Lovely when they're small and cute but think about having three teenagers in the house. All that moodiness and hormones and expense! Also think about possibly funding three kids through university.
We stopped at two despite wanting three, and I'm glad we did. It meant I could give each child a lot of time and attention. Now we have teenagers I'm kind of relieved!

Oh man I wish it was 1996. New labour years were the absolute best time to have a kid - loads of investment into early years and education, economic boom.

”plus I could not be arsed so there’s that” - preach

We have 3.
I find it so expensive. Everything is geared towards 2 adults 2 children!

I wanted a third for a long time, think once my second was 6m I talked about having a third. DH never overly keen though and I how'd he would change his mind. In that time my eldest started to show signs of struggling at school and is on the SEN register, has suspected ADHD and ASD and needs extra support both at home and school. I spend a fair amount of time filling paperwork and the reality is we would have loved that third child but it wouldn't have been the best thing for my eldest. See what happens, obviously we are not the majority but I think when children are little you don't imagine the school years being tricky.

A third is an absolute luxury. It changes your lifestyle and affordability, the car you drive, the holidays you go on, the cost of extra-curricular activities, clothes, the food bill, everything. I'd say live with a raised standard of living with two rather than struggle financially with three. 100k doesn't go far

There's lots of reasons we didn't have 3, this post absolutely nails it. But would just expand it to say that raised standards isn't just about money, but also quality of time with them.

I'd be stretching myself very thin between 3 teenagers right now, I am very actively involved in my teens' lives, we have shared hobbies, they have busy social lives etc, basically, they're still very demanding of my time.

Life is busy, and I am so glad I have the time to have meaningful relationships with them 1:1 I simply wouldn't have with 3, this has proved even more important since my son's diagnosis which we didn't get until he was 10, so a reminder that life is always changing as well.

I think with the cost of living and the unaffordability of housing, parental support into adulthood is going to be massively important for this generation of children. If an additional sibling means you won't be able to afford to help them in adulthood (either directly with cash, or being in a position to offer other kinds of support like housing because you didn't need to downsize, or childcare because you went part time or retired early etc) you're doing them a disservice imo.

The only families I know with three are either low income enough that they wouldn't be able to provide those things for any number of kids, or so wealthy they can do it for many. Or openly admit they don't care 🤷‍♀️

This is what I forsee. I wanted a third, but it's also if they all wanted to do seperate clubs in seperate areas, two I could juggle, get to the clubs. A third, one will lose out.
The financial impact of needing a larger home, cars, more activities, i would need to work more to maintain the lifestyle i want to provide and the stress that would induce would impact my parenting.

So along with finances I am not a calm personality who could deal with the added stress. I already feel at my limit at times, I don't want to push the apple cart over 😅

We have three because we’re blended. It is bloody hard especially if you’re not wealthy. We’re probably on around the same wage and it’s tough. Our holidays this year are going to cost about 10k. That’s for 5 days in a caravan, 4 days in France, one week in Spain and a few days somewhere in October half term. We have three lots of extra curricular to pay for. Three sets of uniform and shoes. You need a bigger car… it just goes on and on —don’t have more children than you have hands.

But that’s because MN as a whole hates large families ie more than 2 kids.

Then frankly how we conceive of going to university must change. It is the norm to go to university and stay at home in many countries and may colleges now award university degrees through an affiliate university. This will become the norm, people staying at home and attending a local university. This is a perfectly fine option, it is the norm in France, Australia and for those without scholarships in the US. As a hiring manager I’ve been degrees become less and less important

I did a humanities degree and had 14 hrs lectures a week, I worked, i objectively had a lot of time to work. Whilst not the case for all it is for many. Especially in the large summer break. My uni for instance only had 2 teaching terms.

yes degree apprenticeships are competitive but so is getting onto a good course at uni, makes more of a case for work experience etc

Thank you for such a considered and thorough response to the OP, really makes a difference to all of us out there pondering the 3rd question :)

I would wait and see, you have a baby and you might find your feelings change in the next couple of years. Unless age is a factor, you don't need to decide now, keep your options open though. I would have loved 3 kids but time got away from me.