It’s the classic “should I have a third” question…

[Illprobsregretthis]

I know this one has been done to death. But those of you with 3 or more kids: how hard is it really? I have a 2.5 year old and a 7 month old and I keep thinking I’d love a third in a few years, but then I’ve also found having 2 with this age gap incredibly draining. It’s such a weird biological impulse to completely blow up my life just as I’m about to get it back with returning to work 😂

Also would love any practical advice esp around finances… like could I even afford 3 given formula and electric / gas keeps going up and up and up? My husband and I earn approx 100K between us and have some savings but not too much.

I have three. I adore my youngest but he was a non sleeping baby and then a very wilful and determined toddler. The older two were fairly compliant so it was a bit of a shock! Now they're all teens which is also challenging at times.

Shouldn’t have opened this thread!

36 weeks pregnant with number 3. Others are approaching 4 and 2. So it will be “3 under 4” for a month or two.

“It’s such a weird biological impulse to completely blow up my life just as I’m about to get it back” - hard relate to this! 😂😂😂

Hopefully it won’t be as awful as everyone has said, and I should be thankful it’s not twins. I am booking some pelvic floor physio as we speak… But, obviously, am very excited - love my children, love the chaos, and we are lucky to have enough space and (I think) money for this one too.

The major costs are nursery if you return to work, university cost and time. When they are teens they take up a lot of time (mostly in a good way). School help, lifts, activities, exam stress. But I feel lucky to be their mum still.
Basically don't panic for those already pregnant with number 3!

I am finding three amazing. Mine are 7, 5 and 8mo. But there are a few caveats - we are very fortunate both financially and with respect to how much family help we have. I have 22 months between my older two and then a 4.5y gap and it’s great to have that space between them - there’s been no rivalry so far or jealousy, my older ones adore the baby.

Car was a consideration. And I’m currently writing this from a hospital as the baby has turned out to have health problems that have definitely cast a cloud over my maternity leave and caused a lot of stress as well as logistical problems with the older ones.

The baby was desperately wanted though (by me! DH more ambivalent but could see I wasn’t going to drop it without a completely firm “no” from him). And baby is otherwise a dream, with eating and sleeping, which is a godsend.

Good luck with the pregnancy and birth! Definitely get that pelvic floor physio booked. I was fine after 3 for years, but am now having problems and I wish I'd kept myself healthier. You can and will make 3 work, I'm sure. For us, it was all about priorities and being ruthless about bargain hunting and free days out! Even if you're on a low income, the DCs can still have a childhood that's rich in friends, family, activities, games etc. Yes it's very hard work - and I spent every evening for years ferrying the kids to and from various clubs (logistics can be v. hard with 3). But all my DC have carried their activites on into uni and beyond, and still get a lot of joy and satisfaction out of them, and I'm very happy it was all worth it.

You’re going to get a million reasons why not to on MN, they’ll range from you’re poor and live in a shoe box, to the planet, to how will you pay for school skiing trips and buy them a house and pay for their wedding.

the reality is many many people have three and more kids on £100k combined and you can get very naice affordable holidays abroad for a family of 5. Children can share rooms, especially when they’re young, in fact many beg to. I’ve the same age gap as you except my two are older now, 3 and 5 and they beg to share a room and are desperate for bunk beds.

it’s good to make a plan of how you’d afford uni or a lump sum for them. If you’re in a position to, your child benefit + say £50 a kid will make a nice sum in 18 years.

worthwhile thinking about how you’d do childcare too, especially if you go back to work. Might be worthwhile looking at condensed hours, save on a day or two fees if you can.

big thing is partner too, if you’ve got a supportive partner then everything is a lot easier.

hows your mat and pat leaves in work? If crappy can you both plan to make moves to places with better policies?

I have a 3 and a similar gap to you

4.5, nearly 3 and 10m

I had straight forward pregnancies and c-sections with a good recovery

We're financially stable and have both sets of family nearby so that element has never been a concern. It's been very busy with three so small and close but absolutely amazing and number three slept through very early, couldn't have been a better baby. We don't sweat the small stuff and have a very busy lifestyle farming/horses/business and the kids very much come along and get involved in all sorts.

Myself and DH are both one of three and were keen to have more than two...

I knew I wasn't done

I had 3 under 4 and would not change a thing.

My third- is an absolute joy.

We were in a fortunate position financially and admittedly that was not an issue but I would have always felt unfulfilled without her.
I def wasn't done.

They are now all in their 20's now and looking back it has been so so wonderful.

You live in a country that provides free at the point of delivery healthcare and free tertiary education for your children. You have a family income of £100k. Obviously you can afford a third (and fourth) child.
My male cousins are 6'6" and they and their sister used to sit in the back of normal family cars throughout their teenage and early 20s years so I think most people can cope with 5 people in a 5 person car!
Imagine yourself in ten, twenty and thirty years what do you want your life to look like? How many uniforms are you able to iron in the time you have? Can you carve out individual time for each child? Do you want to have loads of grandchildren or just a few?

At least you was one of three i was one 7 awful tbh grow-up and no one really new me it was like living in a family that you didnt exist in like a shadow.
They never knew me and still dont i left as soon as i could get away and i was not missed.
4 of my siblings done the same it was only the youngest 3 that got noticed.

And I was one of two and was the unwanted child and my sibling the golden child

does that mean people shouldn’t have two?

any one persons experience of growing up in a small or big family isn’t a blueprint of how big or small families will inevitably function

The baby, young child phase is fine.
I loved having a 3rd baby and the older two (7 and 4 at the time) were lovely with her.

But truthfully I wouldn't recommend it.

Life is tough for kids these days. So many have issues with ND, mental health, social media, demands of school, the overstretched education systems, morale of teachers.

Parenting little ones is the easy bit.

I love my 3 dearly but truthfully I am stretched thin now they are pre teen/teen and have such high emotional needs

And even if they are emotionally ok... the cost of everything, the taxi-ing to friends and clubs, the support with school and exam stress etc etc its never ending

I agree with PP that there is always one child left out. Even numbers are better.

Everyone told us how hard 3 is, how much the third changes things etc, but I just really felt 3 was the right number.

Pregnant with third and there are serious complications. I know you hypothetically roll the dice every time you have a child, but you never think it will actually happen to you until it does.

Still very unlikely of course, and could happen in any pregnancy, but I think managing unexpected issues with a third is very difficult with two already to think about. I feel very guilty that I've introduced this difficulty into all of our lives when we were very happy with our two healthy children.

I have three - two sons with ex-husband - almost 15 and 17 - and one daughter who is 4 with my husband (his first and last).
Wouldn't change it for the world

I would agree with the comments of one will be left out however as your baby is only 7 months if you had another in a year or two they all have the same age gap which is nice

Christ no. The stress and anxiety and cost of teens and young adults cannot be over estimated. Doing this a third time in peri menopause would kill me. So often Dh and I say thank god we stopped at 2. And ours are lovely and relatively easy but even so. Then three sets of university costs!

I didn't find it too bad financially when they were at school,for various reasons, but paying for the third student, in fact all three were students at the same time for two years, is proving a bit relentless and dealing with worrying about three of them out in the world with all their ups and downs is a bit draining.
Loved the energy of three when they were little though.

“Ah, we’re in Scotland so the uni stuff hopefully not an issue”

I only know about the English system but this sounds a bit naive to me. Do Scotland really loan/give their students enough to cover their living expenses because I have heard of hall fees in the 15k range…

These posts always attract very negative responses. People tend to comment when they don't even have 3 kids. I have 3, we have a good life. 100k is a good income and you could definitely afford 3 with it, providing you don't live anywhere like London. If you're happy with a busy house with lots of noise then go for it. Only downside with my 3rd was he was my worst sleeper and definitely not the chilled 3rd child that everyone said would just slot in 🤣. He's a cheeky chap that's for sure. Good luck with your decision.

I always wanted another, when I had 3 I wanted 4. Some women never feel done.

No, I and quite a few others have commented about our experience of having 3 kids now they're past the baby and young child stage and have recommended caution!

We have three who are DS1 13, DD1 10 and DD2 7. I knew I wanted a third as soon as the second was born and tried to talk myself out of it but the heart wanted what the heart wanted! In all honesty it was tough from the pregnancy onwards (felt like my body was at it's limit by the third time (aged 38) and I had two younger ones who still needed full-on care) and hasn't stopped. I wasn't prepared for pregnancy loneliness as all my mum friends were done at two and I didn't have the same social circle and excitement about number three - honestly a few of them felt sorry for me/thought I was very weird. Looking after three tinies is truly knackering. I thought it would get easier when the third started nursery but that got delayed thanks to the pandemic and I don't think I have ever really recovered from trying to look after her while homeschooling the older two. I know the pandemic was totally unexpected to us all but it was a lesson that life does throw up unexpected changes and it's a lot harder to pivot or adapt when you have more dependents.

I do feel like the older kids have missed out on our time and opportunities because of the youngest. My relationship with the oldest in particular became more distant right away which has been very sad for me (he is a boy and just switched at age 6 from being mummy's little boy to a total daddy's boy - probably was going to happen anyway?! Who knows! Now he's a teenager he pretty much just grunts at me but has a close relationship with his dad I'm a bit jealous of. Another story!). Every holiday and trip and dinnertime conversation, family movie viewing etc has to be orientated to the needs of the littlest. When we go out as a five we nearly always have to split up to go at two different paces - you expect this with a baby but it still happens long after we ditched the buggy because they all have different needs and interests. (I have seen this happen with families who have two kids with a big age gap though too so not necessarily a multiple kid thing perhaps). This could just be our family though - some people make the youngest keep pace with energetic older kids and adult interests, but either way I think someone loses out. Our marriage has definitely been put under huge pressure extending the sleepless baby/toddler period, finding it harder to get babysitters, having to split up on days out so less time together, financial pressures of buying a bigger car and house. We are ok but I do wonder every day how much easier it would be if we hadn't had number 3.

That said, OF COURSE DD3 is a joy of a human being, a child I am utterly blessed to be the mother of, whom I cannot imagine not having in our lives. I appreciate her littleness in ways I didn't quite with the youngest. She has definitely reaped many benefits from being the youngest and I think the oldest has too. Middle child is hard but I can see how she is developing in ways that will help her in the future. I do think having to compromise and learn to get along and go without things has been good for them all. The good times are exceptionally good when everyone is on form.

My advice to anyone thinking of extended their family is to 'stress-test' your life - be really honest about the areas that you do well in as a family, and where things could be better. Another baby will exacerbate the weak areas and for some families that is not tolerable. The added pressures and complexity of three kids do not go away when the youngest gets to sleeping through the night/nursery/school/whatever stage, they just evolve into new pressures and complexity. I don't think I did all this enough, I kind of waved my hand and said 'it'll be fine - other people do it'. Do NOT do this, especially if 'other people' are celebrities or people whose lives you don't see up close and real. Have counselling if necessary to really address why you want a third - is there something missing? Are you just grieving the end of baby days and not ready to move on from that yet? Did you have difficult births/early circumstances with the first two and yearn to put these 'right' once and for all? All of this was true for me and I truly wish I'd explored it properly with a therapist before getting pregnant.

Good luck, OP, and anyone else in the same situation. (And to anyone with more kids than I do who is laughing at how easy we have it with only three - I bow down to you!) xx

I love having three!
There are two years between DS1 and DD1 and three years between DD1 and DD2.
I had absolutely no regrets,
The comments about size of family car and staying away in hotels are true. Everything seems designed for 2 kids!