It’s the classic “should I have a third” question…

[Illprobsregretthis]

I know this one has been done to death. But those of you with 3 or more kids: how hard is it really? I have a 2.5 year old and a 7 month old and I keep thinking I’d love a third in a few years, but then I’ve also found having 2 with this age gap incredibly draining. It’s such a weird biological impulse to completely blow up my life just as I’m about to get it back with returning to work 😂

Also would love any practical advice esp around finances… like could I even afford 3 given formula and electric / gas keeps going up and up and up? My husband and I earn approx 100K between us and have some savings but not too much.

A third is an absolute luxury. It changes your lifestyle and affordability, the car you drive, the holidays you go on, the cost of extra-curricular activities, clothes, the food bill, everything. I'd say live with a raised standard of living with two rather than struggle financially with three. 100k doesn't go far

This is quite a balanced response, really helpful!

it gets pricey in secondary school. my eldest (year9) has size 10 feet , footwear alone costs a fortune

No. I grew up as one of three and someone is always left out. My best friend at school was also one of three and used to complain about that too! Better to have an even number.

No, I grew up as one of three and, even with a SAHM, there were times when one of us was overlooked due to something going on with another child. They were very lucky that we were good, hardworking, high-achieving children.

Plus the expectations on parents in terms of school-home support are huge nowadays. Beware of spreading yourself too thin!

Yikes, didn’t think of this!!

Yeah mine are still pre-school age so I’ve no idea what awaits me when school starts!

Mummy Pig has just announced she’s having a third 😂

I would love a third, but our lifestyle (and therefore the lifestyle of our children) would take a hit and I’m not willing to adjust that.

Mummy Pig has significantly more free time than me 😂

Yeah tbh it feels like wishful thinking on my part, like I like to indulge the idea and think about what it would be like rather than actually rip the rod out of my arm and start trying!!

I have two with about the same age gap as you, who are currently 4 and 2. I am one of 3 myself and definitely thought we’d have a 3rd, I was sure in my last pregnancy it wouldn’t be my last. We are not having a 3rd, and instead planning DHs vasectomy.

Honestly I don’t have the bandwidth to be a good mum to any more children. I’m already stretched so thin between kids and work and life, sod trying to have a marriage. A third child would be fair on no one. I want my kids to have my time and attention, I already feel I don’t give them enough. Plus 2 toddlers at the same time is a bloody nightmare, and neither of mine are particularly difficult children. The last year I’ve barely felt I can leave them in a room for a minute without something happening (this is thankfully improving) two running away from you… you’re not at the hard bit yet.

Not to mention the logistics as they get older taking them to clubs and friends houses, the cost of everything, holidays are built for families of 4. We have a similar income to you and already I'm thinking about 2 lots of driving lessons, 2 lots of school ski trips, god forbid help with houses and weddings and what not… I want to give the two kids I already the best life I can, any additional children would be directly taking from them time, money and energy.

Unless your income is likely to double fairly rapidly or you literally cannot imagine your life without that 3rd, don’t do it.

Not without more money no. I'd want double that income before adding another child into the equation.

Think about how you'll have to dilute your current money into 3 instead of 2. It stands to reason that the less children there are, the more resources for each child.

magnified squabble factor with three - no matter how gently bred they are
or what age/stage
three skews everything

Having three is brilliant, absolutely do it if you really want to. I'm more bothered about my kids having twice the opportunity for good sibling relationships than ski trips though so we're all different.

But at this stage it's hormones talking, so just park it for now and see how you feel in a year or two.

The first reply about it being a luxury is spot on and why the majority of larger families are wealthier.
Now mine are teens they are so much more expensive and often want to be in different places at the same time. Unless you can afford private school where activities are laid on they will be limited on out of school clubs.
Also just the logistics don’t add up. Imagine having three teens squished in the back of the car whilst you drive on holiday. Then you have to fit the luggage of 5 adult sized people into the boot.
All of this is before you get to supporting them through exams, learning to drive and possibly university. This probably isn’t on your radar yet but student finances are a mess and with your income your dc would get the minimum loan. So you would need to stump up at least £5k per year per child if they go and if they end up in expensive halls it could be triple that.
Unless one of you is on track to earn a lot more in future I wouldn’t.

Ah, we’re in Scotland so the uni stuff hopefully not an issue - although it could change by then, you never know! We’re also quite limited with private schooling near us, and it’s not really something we particularly believe in, so that wouldn’t be an issue either.

It’s 100% hormones for me driving this urge ATM but seems a huge shame that having larger families is something preserved for the wealthy. Ah well!

Yeah I didn’t ski either so it doesn’t really factor into my thinking 😂 I just got the contraceptive rod after having 2 in 2 years so it’ll be at least 2 years before we even consider it!

I have 3: 6, 2.5, and 10 months.

Everything the PPs have said is true. The cost to travel and eat out is astronomically more expensive, so we never do it. Holidays are car trips and camping, we bought a coffee machine to have nice coffee at home. Clothes are secondhand. No extracurriculars except for swimming lessons, and I teach them piano. We don’t drink alcohol anymore.

I sometimes feel stretched very thin, and I’m always having to ensure that everyone is fed, clean, toileted, and taken care of emotionally to the best of my ability. The house can be loud and chaotic.

Do I regret it? Not for a second. I love my 3rd more than life, and I feel that I’m a much better mother for him in these early months as I’ve done it twice before already. In fact, the only reason we won’t have another one is due to my health condition, otherwise we would have definitely tried for 4. Watching the older ones play with him brings me so much joy I could burst.

I should also mention that I live abroad and have zero family support, however, DH is genuinely amazing and makes it all possible. I could never have so many DC with a lazy or unsupportive DH.

The 'middle child' is a real thing.

If it's good they can swap between the oldest and youngest and get along with everyone.

If it's bad then someone always feels left out.

Three is difficult in most cars across the back seat. It's difficult in hotel rooms.

Do you have a big enough house or will someone have to share?

What if it's twins?

If you're fine with all of that and you are happy you can give a third child the same quality of life as the two children you have, then go for it.

The “What if it’s twins” scenario is genuinely frightening - decision made 😂

I wish someone had told me about the increased rate of prolapse in women with three or more. I had a slight mild prolapse with the third, which over ten years because really problematic including difficulty pooing, and needing to wee incessantly. I am incontinent of flatus at times, and in discomfort at times too. I would have liked that information. I definitely aged much more rapidly for having the third and going through sleep deprivation again. Third is lovely, but all the same, it would have been good to know.

going from 4 to 5 ive found sometimes doubles the costs of nights away in hotels and holidays. It is ridiculous how much extra a holiday costs with 5 than 4. You need a bigger car. Not so muh when they are smaller but if you and your dh are tall, you could (like me) have young teens at 5feet8. Three of those in the back of a small car is not comfortable. Even two and a much smaller younger one is too much of a squeeze.

We have three and definitely feel "done" now which I never did before - and there is a peaceful feeling that comes with that. No more incessant questioning of what to do! And he's gorgeous and makes the others so happy.

We're not at the teenage stage so am aware costs may mount then. We have had to change the car seat set up which was expensive. But we did think about other lifestyle factors and decided an extra family member was more important to us than swanky holidays. Plus because of the needs of our eldest, we rarely go to hotels or out for meals anyway - so we weren't going to be changing our routines much by adding another.

It's definitely more chaotic - but if you like a challenge then go for it!!

My third is a joy. I adore her. They are 7,5&1.
however she is significantly disabled, which we did not know about prior to her birth.
I likely cannot return to work, and our life is drastically different than we expected. Financially, freedom wise, everything. I was naive and never considered this possibility.

1.If you have given birth twice and your insides function normally/like they used to, quit now before you end up with an impossible, embarrassing condition that could limit your life, your enjoyment of your DCs and your career. Childbirth is dangerous.

If you have 2 healthy DCs, dare you roll the dice again?
Major kudos to @Mumofthree2024. I know another mum in your situation. It's cost her marriage and her career and she will never be truly free b/c her 3rd will never be independent. She is an absolute star and finds the joy in her DC3's acheivements but that is her amazing personality finding the silver linings.

1. Over the years, many others have pointed out that '3 is a daft number of children' - the numbers just don't work for cars and holidays and furniture and, as a maternity nurse pointed out, even meat/food comes in even numbered packs.

1. What if it's twins?!

1. Often on these threads, people mention the affect on the environment.

We have 3, and if you want it, you can make it work financially by prioritising your spending. It's up to you as to whether you think a third is worth this. PPs are all correct in that the third child is much more expensive - needing a bigger car, extra hotel rooms etc. We managed by rarely eating out, the cinema was once or twice a year at most, we mostly stuck to 'free' days out (parks, country walks, free museums etc), never holidaying abroad - we had an annual week in a uk holday cottage. We prioritised the kids' activities so they did the usual sports and music lessons, even horse riding. We were absolutely skint for the bulk of their childhood but amazingly, I had a conversation with one of them about this recently (they are all uni aged now) and they didn't have a clue. As far as they were concerned, they got to do lots of activities and we had a holiday every year, so they didn't notice we didn't have a lot of money. We were on income based tax credits their whole childhood. It's really up to you if you want take the hit to your lifestyle to make it work.