Child Maintenance help

[Mamaatwork]

Hi everyone,

First time poster but not sure where to turn. I recently married my husband late last year. We have a beautiful daughter of our own and I have no other children. My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship who is 8. He sees her every Thursday after school till after teatime on a Sunday and he is an amazing dad.

He has always had this arrangement, my husband used to work and pay his ex £35 a week child maintenance. However, my husband had to stop working about 18 months ago after a road traffic accident meant he can no longer work in manual labour jobs and is currently receiving disability payments until the end of his physiotherapy. He is also doing a degree so he can move into other work in an office as currently he is only trained as a roofer.

I work as an anaesthetist and I earn £50,000 a year. We are doing well, we go on lots of little holidays over the year and a big holiday in summer all 4 of us. We pay for my step daughter’s dance club which is £80 a month and pay for her school uniforms throughout the year.

My husbands ex today has started demanding we pay her from my salary as it is not her fault that my husband doesn’t work. She is saying it is not fair we can provide her daughter with holidays and treats when she can’t do anything. She doesn’t work. She knows what I get paid roughly as she went online and calculated based on my experience. She’s now demanding £300 a month. She said if we don’t pay her it she will remove contact and only allow my husband to see his daughter one day a week and no sleepovers. As far as she sees it when I married him I took financial responsibility of him and therefore her daughter.

I don’t know what to do. If my husband lost his daughter he would be devastated and even though we do well for ourselves we don’t have thousands to throw at a solicitor. Does anyone have any advice?

So basically his ex wants money so that she can treat her daughter to the same things as you can? You have basically 50/50 and pay for extras on top. If his ex wants to take her DC on holiday then she could get a job.

Also, if step parents sign up to being financially responsible for other people's DC, as she believes, why is she not asking her fiancé to take them all on holiday?

I wouldn't give her anything. Legally she isn't entitled to any of your salary, and morally I wouldn't suport anyone who can't be arsed working like everyone else does, yet expects everyone else to fund their lifestyle. A hard no on this one I'm afraid.
It is her choice to not work and you already are covering a lot of DSD costs so she doesn't go without.
You are in the right here, stick to your ground.

Not one chance. Don’t give her anything and don’t let your husband put any pressure on you. Not your child. Not yours to pay for. She can attempt to withdraw contact but as she’s 8 and has an established routine of contact a court will want to keep the status quo. We had something similar with my stepson and the court kept the established arrangement. Don’t be bullied. If she wants more treats and holidays for her daughter she’ll have to fund it herself

I've got an example that 29k a year salary with 6 nights a month, yes CMS did ask for just under £300 I think.
Of course in this case with the extra night a week being Thursday and if it's every Thursday-Sun, then that makes the total nights higher. But it comes under bands so it can still fall within the same band as someone who does less nights but different salaries.

In that you have her 4 days 3 nights and it’s over a weekend when kids cost more to entertain. This is basically the maximum you can have her whilst still having to pay child maintenance. Any more and she’d get nothing. It’s the same contact arrangement we have. It’s a very comfortable set up for the person not paying the maintenance.

*Interesting that

She's not entitled to anything from your wage. CMS will back that up and if she withholds contact you can self represent in court.
She needs to work to support herself but your dh also has some responsibility for his child so should also be considering money from what he does have for her

Is your partner getting any money ?

@Mamaatwork are you part time ? £50000 isn't a big salary for an anaesthetist.

@notatinydancer it's in the OP that he's on disability payments.

OPs salary is not relevant to her husband's ex, she shouldn't have included it in the thread, I think.

Yes my husband gets disability support benefits and he gets the child benefit for our daughter.

I work 4 days but also took some time off to have my own daughter which slowed down the career progression. I am paid well for
how long I’ve being in my role.

Go to court. You're having her 50/50 at a minimum, if not more. She isn't owed a penny.

Why should you pay for her child? Maybe send her a message saying you want her partner to pay for yours 🤣

The only reason I mentioned my salary was to give context to why she is asking for that amount of money.

About time she worked the freeloading b!tch

Mum wants you to contribute (more) to step daughter so she can afford to take her on holiday etc, why can’t her step father contribute to those things, why should you pay so the 3 of them can have a holiday? A holiday is a luxury not a necessity and if people can’t afford it then unfortunately they go without.

If she’s struggling she can get a job. I wouldn’t be feeling guilty in the slightest. Your husband had an accident, he hasn’t just chosen not to work.

Oh, I know 💐 but it has led to what seems to be a bit of a nosy question from someone 😁 That poster would be shocked at how low my salary is.

It's none of the unemployed woman's business. She's free to get a job, and your husband should get 50/50 court ordered.

Are you really giving an 8yo 15 quid a week pocket money?

Tbh I'd be a bit miffed if you were claiming you couldn't give any CM but we're giving the DC £60+ a month spends on her own card tbh. What on earth is she spending it on?!

If you can afford a few holidays a year, he can probably afford to contribute towards his child.

I wouldn't pay more than what you already contribute & i'd call her bluff. If she continues to refuse contact, I'd go to court.

I must ask how you think my husband already doesn’t contribute to the child?

Initially reading these I felt guilty but on reflection I don’t.

We got married a few months ago and will be going to Florida for three weeks in the summer for the honeymoon. It is our holiday of a lifetime and comes from money our family gave for our wedding presents. We give her £15 a week to help her to understand the meaning of money instead of just giving her money for our holiday she has to earn it by behaving, showing kindness and doing well in school. If she spends it then she has less for holiday. We keep her bank card but we let her look at the app on our phone so she can see it mounting up and if she insists on spending it despite our warnings we allow that as well. Yes she is only 8 but has the view that as a woman she won’t need to ever work and my husband wants to remove that from her mind.

I’m a bit confused, you say she is the ‘main parent’ but it’s your DH that receives the child benefit. Have I missed something?

We have a daughter of our own. He receives child benefit for our daughter.