Child Maintenance help

[Mamaatwork]

Hi everyone,

First time poster but not sure where to turn. I recently married my husband late last year. We have a beautiful daughter of our own and I have no other children. My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship who is 8. He sees her every Thursday after school till after teatime on a Sunday and he is an amazing dad.

He has always had this arrangement, my husband used to work and pay his ex £35 a week child maintenance. However, my husband had to stop working about 18 months ago after a road traffic accident meant he can no longer work in manual labour jobs and is currently receiving disability payments until the end of his physiotherapy. He is also doing a degree so he can move into other work in an office as currently he is only trained as a roofer.

I work as an anaesthetist and I earn £50,000 a year. We are doing well, we go on lots of little holidays over the year and a big holiday in summer all 4 of us. We pay for my step daughter’s dance club which is £80 a month and pay for her school uniforms throughout the year.

My husbands ex today has started demanding we pay her from my salary as it is not her fault that my husband doesn’t work. She is saying it is not fair we can provide her daughter with holidays and treats when she can’t do anything. She doesn’t work. She knows what I get paid roughly as she went online and calculated based on my experience. She’s now demanding £300 a month. She said if we don’t pay her it she will remove contact and only allow my husband to see his daughter one day a week and no sleepovers. As far as she sees it when I married him I took financial responsibility of him and therefore her daughter.

I don’t know what to do. If my husband lost his daughter he would be devastated and even though we do well for ourselves we don’t have thousands to throw at a solicitor. Does anyone have any advice?

Legally she cannot ask you to pay anything from your earnings. The responsibility lies with your husband. She also cannot stop contact just because he can’t pay, and he could take her to court and get a contact order which she would have to stick to

tell her to go through the proper channel and make a claim through the CmS so it’s all above board. Then you can pay what they say and it’s all done and dusted.
I would not be handing over any money without CMS giving you the amount, then it’s all logged and records are kept. I doubt she will be getting £300 if your dh has his child half the week.

Also he could represent himself in court and it’s £255 to apply for a court order

Id do this.

Take the wind out of her sails.

He needs to apply for a court order to keep the contact as it is, then its all legally binding, the court wouldn't look favourably on her stopping contact to get money either.

I understand her being pissed off, but that's not your responsibility.

If she stops contact then she still wouldn't get any money and her food bills etc will go up too.

Could your dh not afford any amount from his benefit money? £140 a month is a lot to lose out on indefinitely while still having the same bills. Or could he have her more?

He would love to have her more but she will not let us, won’t even let us have week on week off. We have her every weekend 4 days 3 nights. She said she would lose her benefits and stuff if we had her more.

Even though yes we could pay something I feel it would then be affecting our abilities in our own home as my salary is not huge and we don’t get a lot of benefits just a little bit for disability which a lot of goes to my husbands physio. My husband offered to stop paying dance and give her that money if she was struggling financially but she said no as it’s not fair.

Could you not just help her out a bit. If you are comfortable like you say why would you not want to? This is your husbands daughter. She's probably struggling and while that's not your problem legally I wouldn't want my husbands daughter to be at a disadvantage. It must be hard for her seeing you all enjoying life while she is struggling so much. He does need to help his child and while I understand he's not working, you are and as a unit I think you could come together to help.

Why doesn’t she work?

She can’t claim anything from you at all. DH’s ex wanted my salary assessed years ago (as well as DH who paid maximum CMS amount and has never missed a payment). She wasn’t working herself, either. Lawyer made it clear I could win the lottery and she couldn’t claim a penny.

I’d pay for DH to get his access sorted in court though.

Thanks for your message. She doesn’t work as she has a fiancée who has a good job and says that having the kids is a lot of work. She has never had a job though.

My husband and I don’t have separate money we have a joint account and everything is shared. If I had a lot spare I would do anything to keep our family together. Even though we are comfortable we don’t have thousands in the bank. Unfortunately his ex seems to think we have thousands just sat in the bank.

@Mamaatwork sounds very similar situation. DH’s ex lived off spousal and CM, as they’d agreed when they first had DC that she’d be a SAHM and she didn’t see why that should change. Hadn’t had any career either, just min wage jobs until that point.

Either way, there’s nothing for you to pay. I used to think that even if I wanted to work to contribute for SDC in their home with her, there was no way I was doing it with my baby DC in full-time childcare, so I could help her to stay at home with her (school-aged DC).

If you don’t have the money, don’t waste any more time worrying about it. If your money is pooled, then you’re already contributing massively to them when they are with you.

Maybe the Mum should get a job instead of getting everyone else to pay for her child.. just a thought.

This. Legally you don't have to but why wouldn't you want to help support your partner in this?

If your husband pays anything for his dd it will impact his home and he doesn't want that?

Meanwhile his dd is impacted and that's fine?

The mum isn't in the right for wanting money from you, but she's right that her dds dad should be trying his best, even if that means him losing out on a couple of his holidays per year tbh.

He has already said he is happy to stop paying dance if the money is needed for food but she thinks we should pay both. He pays for her dance classes and pays for her school uniform. We also have her 4 days/3 nights a week. She is not going without. Plus the holidays are not just my husband on a jolly, we take our daughter together and my stepdaughter always comes with us.

Saying he will stop paying for her dance lessons is a bit of an arsehole move though, that's making the Mum out to be the bad one because she's chosen practicalities over a club her dd loves.

You're expecting the Mum to make hard decisions like that, while you're taking his dd on several holidays a year, but then he can't afford a tiny bit of maintenence.

She's obviously not perfect by any stretch, there's more she could be doing, but you and your dh are making sure you still have a very comfortable life with plenty of holidays, then making ex choose between food and dancing for dd. I can absolutely see how that would grate a bit.

Well I wouldn’t be giving her £300 per month from my salary in your situation. She’s got a nerve . I do think your dh should be giving her something though, from his disability payments. He should go to court to formalise arrangements so she can’t threaten him in the future when things don’t go her way.

As she's threatened to withhold contact over money, I'd agree with going for a court order for contact and CMS in terms of money.

I'd be reluctant to give her mother money directly because of the precedent it would set, but equally, surely an amazing dad doesn't want his daughter choosing between her dancing and food on the table unless it's really necessary? Could you as a household take on more of your DSD's expenses to ease the pressure on her other household? Buy more of her clothes and shoes, not just school uniform? Cover pocket money and those various random school expenses? Is dance her only hobby, or are there other fees/subs to be covered?

Do you not think the child’s mum should go get a job to bring in some money to support her own child instead of expecting OP to support her more than she already does?

Dance is her main hobby but we pay for all other little clubs and things she wants to do like art club at school etc. We also cover the insurance and the dance show tickets for the whole family. We cover her birthday parties and school trips etc. She has very little clothes at mums as mum only has her on school days as we have her weekends but it is only holidays when she has her.

She is only little bit has her own GoHenry card which we pay for and put £15 a week on if she is good at school and home.

I would also like to add that mum has a fiancée who lives with her who has a fantastic job so if I’m having to pay surely he should have to contribute as well.

It sounds like you're covering pretty much everything you practically can, then, and you know DSD generally has a good standard of living in the ways that matter to a child.

And yes, in terms of fairness, the fiancé living in the same house absolutely should be coming above you in terms of covering household bills. If they were absolutely skint, even due to laziness, I'd not see a child go hungry over that fairness, but that doesn't sound like the case. It sounds like they do have enough money to run the household – they'd just got used to having more when DH was working and are upset about losing it. No doubt your household also had more money before DH's accident and might prefer to have it back (as well as, you know, DH's health!).

Are there any signs that DSD is actually going without when she is at her mum's, or is it just her mum complaining?

She said she would lose her benefits and stuff if we had her more.

If her fiancé has such a brilliant, well paying job she won't be getting much in benefits surely?

She is a very healthy little girl and eats well yes.

In terms of benefits I’m not sure all I know is what she said which was that we couldn’t have her more than 182 nights a year as she is the main parent and isn’t losing her benefits. I know when she and my husband was together she never told the benefits people he lived in the house so she could claim but I don’t want to assume this is happening again.

Ex is taking the absolute P. You and your husband are n9 doubt having her more than 50% as you have her every weekend. No wonder she doesn't want her less, sge hardky has her!.
Court order is needed as she's being very unfair, needs to be a week on and a week off or you have her Sunday to Wednesday (or similar).
I wouldn't pay her anything personally, she needs to get her arse in gear and get a job!

A woman lawyer pointed out that relying on maintenance is a risky move as the payee can find themselves in a situation where they cant/dont pay as has happened here.

I would suggest keeping records of how much time your stepdaughter spends with you and any records of contact with her mother. If she does start playing silly b**s it will be quite clear what her motivation is.

As suggested on other threads dont respond to her.

If your partner is making an insurance claim for his injury clearly there may be money in that to make up for what he hasnt been able to pay.

As you are a medic, would any of your professional associations be able to help with legal costs?

You can DIY as I did and the Court Fees are not that bad

It's pretty shocking that previous posters are telling you to fund this unemployed woman who has zero to do with you.
Obviously don't pay her. Your husband needs to get a court order to prevent the woman withholding his child, and he needs to go through CMS to see if he needs to pay her at all.