Child’s father threatening court for custody

[Wednesdaymornings]

Hi all, am in a bit of a panic as my child’s father called me out of the blue to tell me he will be taking me to court for custody arrangements.

Reason being is that he can’t trust me apparently. Didn’t elaborate on what that meant and I have never stopped him from seeing our son. We broke up a year ago and ever since he has been horrible to me and very inconsistent with contact.

Our child is only 2 years old and barely has any relationship with him so if he does go to the courts it’s unlikely he will get 50/50 right?
Id also like to know roughly what age they would grant 50/50 if after some time he was consistent with contact,

I’m in two minds as to whether I think he acc is telling the truth or just trying to scare me, his actions over the past year have showed me he doesn’t give 2 shits about our child since he can’t have me. He didn’t even get him a Christmas present! And now he wants custody. Do me a favour! He’s a very spiteful man tho and quite unpredictable, so a part of me is nervous he’s being for real and I’d just like to get ahead of my self and here others experience with this.

thanks

Has he actually applied yet? There a big difference in saying he will to try and scare you and actually applying

@TinyMouseTheatre no I don’t think so, he said he will be doing next week as soon as the DNA test results came back (he requested one bcus I opened a CMS claim.)

It's all about the maintenance! I hate men like this. He's going to have a lot of hoops to jump if he's been neglectful. I wouldn't worry until you receive the papers.

You say he "barely has any relationship with him". What does that mean in terms of practical arrangements? How often does he see him? Does he have over nights?

Courts tend to want to keep things in a fairly settled routine for small babies and toddlers so the chance of him going to court and being given 50/50 immediately is slim to none.

If you are in England then you will be asked to go to a mediation meeting first. Beyond that if you do eventually go to court then you will be expected to try to facilitate a relationship between your child and him. If he has had very limited contact with your child to the extent he doesn't know him then in the first instance I'd be asking for supervised contact at a contact centre with a court report with a view to moving supported contact.

My ex-husband applied and was granted 50/50 for our two sons when they were 3 and 6. I was the primary caregiver up until then.

You mean he wants to be the resident parent? And take the benefits? Register at a doctor etc. I bet he doesn’t. He’s just making threats. DD is very young and he won’t get 50:50. He might get more than he is bothered to do at the moment but see a solicitor if he threatens and you get notification he’s going ahead.

The best way to stop this is to be really keen about it. Tell him how glad you are that he wants a proper relationship with his son now.

Lay out the terms of 50/50 that you think will work, how the finances will work (eg he’ll need 3 sets of uniform, to pay for nursery and then school lunches and after school care on his days once your DS is older ), Remind him that he’ll be responsible for half the school holidays so work out how each of you will use your annual leave, and that while you’re out of the country on holiday with friends or a new partner you’ll expect him to make your child available for a call twice a week. Make sure he realises that he’ll be expected to take 50% of sick days off if your child is ill and to ensure he gets to friend’s parties, football clubs, swimming lessons etc when they fall on his weekends.

Reiterate just how great it will be to finally share the parenting load and that now you’ll both have equal time to go out with friends, work extra shifts and have relaxing downtime it will be a huge benefit to you all.

Annoyingly he won’t stick to any of that, they rarely do, but the bonus is you get more time with your little boy and hopefully more CMS.

I'd do similar to the PP. I wouldn't mention 50/50, but would send a really positive message back, saying you think it's lovely he wants to be more involved and that regular planned contact will be great to allow him to build a proper relationship with DC, as the current unpredictable (in relation to DC's regular routine) visits don't allow this to happen. Then go on to add it will be really helpful for you too as it will give you some respite and allow you to establish a better working pattern/more hours if you are moving away from ad hoc contact - you had been especially worried about having to cover nursery fees by yourself and how you would balance work/AL with the school holidays too in future, but sorting his split of them out now would be a weight off your mind.

If he is genuinely saying all this to upset you and avoid CM, he needs to see how it is actually helping you out and not necessarily saving him money. If he doesn't believe it is a way to 'get' at you, he loses that motivation. Bonus being that nobody can say you've been obstructive if it comes to court.
I would also quietly keep a diary, noting when he sees DC (and for how long), when he cancels arranged contact, and things like no Xmas present. That way if it comes to court, you can demonstrate you have tried to work with him, but how useless and unreliable he is. You don't need to try and row back on an agreement of 50/50, but argue based on his current level of contact, just set out in a regular pattern.

I would also, like pp, be positive about him seeing the child. Either he will step up and do it, which will be really good for your son, or he won't and you'll have lots of good evidence for court.

I'd send him a really positive message saying how delighted you are that he wants more, regular time with DS. Reiterate what regular contact you're happy with him having now, suggest that happens as a starting point, and say how good it will be for DS to have regular time with his dad.

Every time he doesn't turn up text him to confirm that he hasn't turned up and that DS was disappointed. Keep a record of them all for court.

Also, start from a place of assuming that he will provide everything that DS needs (except things like a favourite cuddly toy etc). Any time that you have to send other things, text to confirm you've done that and keep the messages. "You said today that you don't have any clothes for DS so I've sent him with some. Please can you make sure you provide clothes for his time with you in future."

50/50 would be utterly stupid at this point. There’s no legal concept of custody. Custody, as shorthand, often means being the resident parent and getting the benefits, etc. He is not likely to want that or get it. He might want to see the child more and that might well be possible but the op needs legal advice.

The op should keep her own councel. Don’t engage and see what he does. Take advice though.

As others have said send a positive message and set out increased contact. Set out a gradual build up to 50/50 and make sure you say this is because child needs to build a relationship as the current inconsistency hasn't built a relationship. Don't make it accusatory or antagonist just make sure the fat he currently doesn't make the effort is in there- always always think about how your email will help you/appear in court. Never speak in the phone always have a written record

He would get 50% gradually.

If he applies, play him at his game.

50/50 means paying 50% of the nursery bill since the starting point for contact would be each parent alternating weekends so that they could chill with the child or take them to see that side of the family. He can’t claim every weekend in order to manage 50/50.

If your ex works at night or travels for work then he’ll need to rearrange his work schedule or change jobs. He can’t have you pay for nursery, you pick up then pick the child from your house on his day. If it’s his day, he needs to pay for nursery, drop off and pick up or pay someone to do it. If child is ill on his day, he has to take the day off because no childcare will accept a sick child. Once school starts there’s 13 weeks of school holidays a year. Even if he had a magic job or working 9-3, that’s childcare that he has to pay for on his days.

I think that he’ll quickly realise that paying CM is a lot cheaper than paying 50% of nursery and doing the graft of drop offs, rushing to pick ups etc Plus men like that will be driven crazy by the idea that you’ll have lots of free time to have fun like shagging other men or seeing friends. It might be worth giving him the impression that 50/50 is a great idea to throw him off.

Hi, It's understandably worrying. It's actually called a Child Arrangement's Order. This is not exactly based on 50/50. It's for the courts to decide what contact the residing parent should have if any, what risks are there towards the child. It's whats in the best interests of the child, for the child to be heard is from the age of approx 10/12 years+.
Cafcass will be involved if there is evidence of abuse.

I would suggest to him you welcome the order. He can apply for C100, you will receive documents in the post and what his statement is.
Have you proof of his behaviour and past/current child arrangement? Document everything!
Is he paying CM or is there a private arrangement?
What arrangement is in place?
Is your child at risk from either of you?
Is your child well looked after and all needs are met by either of you?
Is other parent on child's birth certificate?
What concerns the other parent?

Parents should always be child focused.

First, he will need to organise mediation- this will be a few hundred for the MIAM and the first meeting. If this fails, he can then apply to court and pay out more money. His best case scenario is that they introduce a slow build up of days/overnights working towards 50/50. He's not going to stick to that schedule, especially considering he's going to have to continue paying maintenance throughout all that.

Would going through the courts be a bad thing it’s independent

trying to placate and sort it between yourself often doesn’t work

I'm so sorry, you must be devastated

This isn't ever a possibility with my DC but I'd be distraught if so. I hope it all works out for you in the end

@AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring Unfortunately it didn't - my sons are 15 and almost 18 now so the damage was done.
Unfortunately it's on me for marrying a true narcissist though - it's the price you pay. The family courts are a shambles and Cafcass simply unfit for purpose.

I'm so sorry 😔

@AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring Thank you. I'm now very happily remarried with a four yo daughter but I think I'll always be angry that I was never able to be the mum I should have been to my beautiful boys ❤️
Slowly they're beginning to see the truth...

What contact does he have now?

Why would it scare you if he wants 50/50 he should have 50/50 he is the father the child wouldnt be here if it wasnt for him also.. but no he will not get full custody but he will get a considerable amount of time untill the child starts nursery etc then he will get alternative weekends and shared holidays.

Start having a generic response to everything “ok, thanks for letting me know” then end conversation.
its threats. He is not bothered enough he just wants to scare you.
get a solicitor name and phone Number just in case and to be prepared but sounds like nonsense.

Just the usual scare tactics at this point try not to worry. The fact he barely sees him and is angry about the cms case being opened pretty much says it all.
Keep calm and cool and let him crack on (he won't, classic absent father threatening 50/50)

Why is 50/50 a threat all parents should be 50/50 with there children you wouldnt have children if it wasnt for men but for some reason alot of women like to play god with childrens lives any women who doesnt agree on 50/50 isnt a good mother.

Tell him contact via solicitor only from now on then...and mean it. If he won't been pay cms which is usually a pittance amount how will he support a dc at his home? Scare and nothing more...
Or send him a list of things he will need to have at his home. Bed /buggy /clothes.. Ask him what size nappies dc uses and tell him to get plenty in.. Suggest he let you know when he is ready for 50/50..